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Relationship Im New Here,,, Im Feeling Anxious, Shut Out, Invisible And Near On Hated.

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redsandy

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Hello all. I haven't used a chat forum in 20 years! I hope I can remember the etiquette :)
Anyways - Im feeling pretty bad,,,,I adore my hero husband, he is everything to me, and would never speak out of turn. But, sadly, for 2 years now I've been dealing with lies and secrets and evasive behaviour from him - he's gradually withdrawn, and now he is emotionally void ,, but only with me,,,, he is superman at work (still serving,,) and a big smiling support for all others,,, which I admit makes me jealous, and it hurts very much to know I struggle alone for weeks with no contact, but he's there for everyone else. But I guess that's personal crap.
Anyways, he dismisses me, plays down my feelings, stonewalls, gives the silent treatment, doesn't sleep, keeps secrets, is irritable, forgetful, sometimes seems confused, and lots more besides that may come out further down the thread,,, I can't think of everything and will answer honestly to any questions ----- though if I ask my husband one I'm shut down on,,, and its sad.
Anyways, here was me thinking he was an a@$ hole,,,, but it's been brought to my attention he may be suffering from ptsd,,,he's done 23years to date, infantry, 10 tours.
It's just all I know is I'm suffering, it's been cruel sometimes - if it is ptsd he's not admitting it,, I get the blame for things he imagines will happen that haven't even happened yet.
If it stands a chance it is,,, how can I cope with how it's making me feel, so I can be strong enough to help him,,, and how do I get him to realise it's just not healthy to shut down, isolate and ignore your wife and that maybe he's holding too much in?
I've rambled, I might not be making much sense,,, but I am really quite confused, and feeling deeply concerned.
 
In sorry for what you're going through. I'm no doctor or therapist so obviously I can't diagnose nor would I try. I can only tell you about my experiences, so here goes.

I am a suffer / survivor of PTSD. Most of us don't know we have it until a professional gives us a diagnosis. The problem is getting us to go to a professional... I didn't admit there was s problem until 35 years after my initial traumas ended. Yup 35 years later.

You see for me to ask for help was to admit I was weak (in my eyes), to admit I was broken. I even had issues asking my husband for help, I bottled up feelings because it was safer to do that than to chance my husband thinking negatively of me. I had been fine (just fine according to me, my husband might tell a different story) for 35 years. I kept my trauma from my husband until last year...

I was fine at work, with friends, with Coworkers, with strangers, with kids, etc. The problem was my frustrations and anger would come out when I was the most comfortable, where I felt the most loved and supported, where I felt I "could be my True self." So my poor husband got the brunt of my bad behavior. :( Sound familiar?

I have now been in therapy for a year. I'm doing much better, learning how to communicate instead of yell and get angry. I'm dealing with the PTSD fallout, and how to control my life in a healthy way. I am so thankful that I decided to go to therapy.

One thing I have to say is this, for me had my husband tried to push me into therapy I would of refused to even try; I would of dug my heels in the ground on principal alone. Because he supported me, and I never ever felt forced, when I was ready for help I asked him to help me find that help and I was very appreciative.

Good luck with your journey, I hope it ends in a positive way. ♡ Raven
 
Thank you raven - you've been very open and honest.
My husband has shown no anger or violence - shows passive aggression, snorts, sneers and sighs,,,,it's oozing out of his pores but he's adamant he isn't angry because he isn't shouting, he says he isn't blaming me because he hasn't said the blame word,,,,but when you're being called a nag, being dismissed for being too sensitive, being told secrets are kept because you'd only over react, criticise, have a tantrum etc ( with no grounded reason to assume so) it's damn hard not to feel blamed,,,, isn't it?
 
Raven,,,please tell me how your husband bore your behaviour before you got treatment,,,,did you ever lose respect for him because he tolerated it? You see I'm scared to take this much longer for fear of him seeing me as a push over or a doormat, losing my value to him and eventually his love :(
 
@redsandy ,Being passive aggressive is a bad behavior, I used to do it too. I was never violent, although I used to yell now and again. I would shut down, not talk, then do passive aggressive things to get my point across. Everything you wrote sounds very familiar.

I can't tell you what to do, you need to decide "how much" you're willing to put up with before you say enough is enough. Just because we have PTSD (maybe in his case as he hasn't been diagnosed) is no reason to treat our spouses badly.

Some people set ground rules. This is what I expect, this is what will happen if those expectations aren't met. Just really think about what you want changed and what you're willing to back up if it doesn't change. Don't make empty threats as that doesn't help anyone.

Keep letting him know you're there for him and that you're willing to help him. My husband told me he'd go to therapy with me if I wanted... it was a nice gesture. I actually had him come to a few of my sessions so he'd understand what I was going through and how to better support me. ;):)

I hope your husband gets to the point where he's able to ask for the help he needs. Hang in there. :hug: Raven
 
I'm really scared,, when there was a chance he was just an a hole it was different,,,,, now I'm afraid he could snap. I'm afraid to set Him off, to face more hurt, or to lose myself even more. The snap line stories are quite often horrific - nobody wants that for anyone, especially their lover.
Try telling a passive aggressive they're being aggressive,,,,they just don't get it, because they are lying to themselves maybe?
 
,, when there was a chance he was just an a hole it was different

Why was it different when you thought that? He's still choosing his behaviors. It's up to you how long you're willing to accept them. That's really the bottom line isn't it?

People treat other people how they are allowed to treat them. They learn how they are allowed to treat them by seeing which behaviors their significant other allows them to get away with. I know this from experience. I don't say this to be harsh but so you understand.:shy:

So as I said earlier, what behaviors are you willing to accept and which ones are a deal breaker? Also, what do you think about possibly going to a therapist to talk about your husband? That's another option.
Hang in there, don't lose sight of yourself and your wants and needs in this relationship as you also matter! ;):hug:Raven
 
When II thought he may just be an a hole, I felt permitted to be angry
Now I feel I have to be tolerant until he seeks help himself
But in the meantime I'm still angry, and feeling invalidated by him,, it's a nasty place
I am talking to the padre,,, and therapy is being arranged for me
Thank you - I like your candor :)
 
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