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I'm Not Alone, This is All New to Me - Finally

Discussion in 'Introductions' started by goingonhope, Oct 2, 2006.

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  1. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    Hello,
    Found this forum and I’m in awe. Diagnosed with PTSD in 1995. The diagnosis follows the trauma(s) by far. Managed to live/exist sedated for yrs w/ alcohol, ciggarettes, sedation and distractions, ect. I guess I’m glad I did. Now have a good husband and two beautiful children. I’m not saying that we and our life is simply wonderful. I’m not even normal. Though, I suppose I prefer my abnormal self to the normal selves of many others. Whatever it is, it’s a far cry from yester-years, ie the living nightmare of seemingly endless hell. The actual traumatic experiences began early in life and continued and continued. I’ve been erratically and periodically re-living them for some time now. I know little about the criteria for PTSD and or recovery from it. I know what I’ve endured. I’ve been in and out of much denial. I've taken little medication, but powerful nonetheless, as a PRN on and off. These days, I quite often resent doing my best to cope with my alcoholism, while keeping home and trying to raise two young children. I’m married, and live in the Eastern part of the US. Though it’s been almost ten years since my last alcoholic drink I seldom feel like a success. I smoke cigarettes like a fiend, even with lung cancer rampant throughout original family. What I've done and do, for the most part, is suffer greatly and deeply in silence with my PTSD. People either have not cared or couldn't handle it. I did receive some great therapy in my past. It helped, nothing more. My PTSD is the result of unremitting years of helpless and hopeless childhood threats against my/our lives ~terror, abuse, neglect, corruption, domestic violence, attempted murder, psychological torture, eating disorders, rape, assaults and perhaps even my own alcoholism/ isolation. I can’t even believe I’ve written this. I’ve never ever acknowledged all this before together and it gives me a little compassion for myself. Something highly unusual. Again I’m in awe. I’ve said far to much and I’m nervous. Thank you Anthony for welcoming me to this site. I’m feeling hopeful. I figured I’d live out the rest of my life isolated and alone with this suffering. Feeling ashamed that this introduction is about me and contains so much. I’m in a great deal of confusion and quite frankly probably will get very little sleep tonight. I’m brand new to this and thanks to all of you so much for your willingness to post. I’m not alone. Thank you. And, Hello !!!
     
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  3. cookie

    cookie I'm a VIP

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    hi, goingon, welcome to the forum. i know what you mean about not believing that you've admitted these things. this is a safe place to sort things out. i'm sorry you had to have those things in your life. seems like a bunch of us are in the same boat. i think i haven't had it quite so rough as some, and i am thankful for that. it will amaze you the useful info you can gather from this site.
     
  4. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    Welcome goingonhope! (gonna have to shorten that LOL)

    Nice to meet you.

    Bec
     
  5. reallydown

    reallydown I'm a VIP

    Hi Goingonhope, welcome to the forum.

    i think Cookie pretty much covered it...sounds like you've really been through more than enough crap for 3 lifetimes...anyway, welcome and feel free to rant and rave...this is a really good place to do that.
     
  6. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Hi Hope,

    Welcome to the forum, and glad you decided to say hello publicly. Thank you for your kind remarks, much appreciated.

    Isn't it amazing how much we all have suffered in silence at some point within our lives, or our near entire lives, though hope does exist for us all, and is within grasp for anyone who really wants it bad enough. Healing is hard, and I will say it is likely the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life actually, facing past fears and traumatic events. We relive them constantly before we heal, then we relive them again with more intensity during the healing process, though the end reward is by far a better outcome.

    It doesn't shock me nowadays to the endless shit life can deal out to one person. It is for nothing more than my willingness to refuse defeat, that life is more full of good than bad people. Humanity is still intact, which is what confirms this for me.

    Hope, I am glad you found us, and I think we can provide you the "hope" your looking for. Look forward to chatting with you lots more.
     
  7. permban0008

    permban0008 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    Hi Hope,

    Prefer to shorten that to a positive form. Welcome to the forum.
     
  8. Nam

    Nam I'm a VIP

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    hello, hello! Glad you've found us! 1995...wow...along time.
     
  9. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    Hello Again!

    Thanks again so much for welcoming me. Probably will make some mistakes along the way as I’ve never communicated on line. Not even by email. Wishing all of you the very best throughout the next 24 hrs. In my life I’ve noticed that the rewards of perseverance are unlike anything we could have ever dreamed. Extraordinary! May you tackle yet another extraordinary step into healing today. That’s what I wish for all of us, whether we know each other or not. PTSD sufferers must be some of the most courageous people there is to meet. “Inch by inch life’s a cinch, yard by yard, life is hard.” LOL
     
  10. kimG

    kimG Well-Known Member

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    Hi Goingonhope...or Going...or GOH...heck, maybe I'll just call you Hope.

    First of all, welcome to the community. I know I'm not the first to welcome you, nor will I be the last. Please know that we're all here for the same reason: PTSD. Some of us here are the sufferers (like myself) and others are the spouses, close friends, girlfriend, boyfriend, common-law whatevers who are affected by it too in the way we relate to them and the world (my husband is one of them; he's on the board too - he's not too hard to find and I'm sure you'll know which one he is when you see his name).

    Please be assured that we know what you're currently going through with the symptoms of PTSD. No matter how we got it, we all suffer the many of the same effects - triggers, outbursts, anger, fits of rage, dissociation, depression, suicidal thoughts & tendencies, eating disorders, hypervigilance, memory problems, etc. For me, finding this place was a godsend; I could read and write about what I thought & felt, consciously and unconsciously and I knew others would understand. There were very few people who knew about my life (the real me, not the one I presented to most people), because I kept it to myself. No one here is going to tell you to "get over it and get on with your life", as so many do who don't really understand.

    And NEVER apologize for spilling your guts, writing long posts, or telling us all how you feel. Remember, your healing IS about you, so your thoughts at this time on this board should be about you too. Only by understanding what you're going through will we be able to help you to help yourself...and you never know who you will help too, just by letting someone else know they aren't alone in what they are going through.

    I'm sorry to hear about your life growing up. Although I don't know any specifics, I can relate as I, too, suffered years and years of abuse at the hands of my mother and brother (mom- physical, brother - physical and sexual). I am working through my own demons regarding that and I take it day by day. If you read some of the posts, you will see that there are others here who, unfortunately, suffered at the hands of those who were supposed to care about them and for them, yet either were ill-equipped to or refused to.

    You'll find coming here is sometimes better than therapy. Many times I feel that way because I honestly don't think my therapist has an inkling of what I went through or what I go through on a day-to-day basis because of it. Sure he has a "textbook" knowledge of it, but nothing beats first-hand knowledge and that is what you will get here. Keep an open mind (I know, hard to do with PTSD, but it helps tremendously!), be willing to work on the PTSD, and know that it won't go away completely.

    Welcome!
     
  11. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    Thanks Kim for your welcome, I cryed when I read it the other day. In a good way. I just knew you knew. Please, does anyone know if trauma can hurt some 30 yrs. later. Last night, and as a result this morning, I felt horrible after sharing about physical beatings, that in fact happened 30 yrs. ago. In error I called it 20 yr. memories. It was 30 yrs. now. Am I crazy, I could feel this anxiety that any moment my head may be yanked back and I would receive a blow to the head. I was alone! Kids and husband asleep, much noise from the wind, but alone. I remember things said, then. ie. "Your making a mountain out of a mole-hill." "It's all in your head, that was nothing." So ANGRY right now. So FEARFUl. Feel worthless, grrrr.
     
  12. cookie

    cookie I'm a VIP

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    hey , hope. i know it's hard to believe that stuff from that long ago can just all of a sudden knock you down, but it can. same thing with me. i never dreamed you could get p tsd from something so long ago.
     
  13. kimG

    kimG Well-Known Member

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    Hope, yes, it is possible for it to still hurt 20, 30, 40, or however many years later. I was abused, starting around age 5 until I was 22 (that's when I moved out of my parents' house) and now I'm 40; I can tell you the pain I feel is just as real as when I went through it way back then.

    And, as far as it being all in your head, well, yes it is. And it needs to get out. Therapy and talking about it, processing it, letting people know about it will get you through it and get it out of your head (well, not really out, but in time it will have less and less of an effect on you).

    For me, feelings of worthlessness and despair knock me for a loop, blindsiding me even, when I am alone. It's something else I need to work on!
     
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