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I'm not depressed or suicidal or popping pills anymore

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Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
edit: (I clicked on a notification and when I paged back it was gone. I just logged back in and here it is well, I guess I'll have to post it now.)

I don't know where to put this. I want to put it in the depression section because I want it to help someone. I don't know if that's right. I doubt any of them would read it because I would not have wanted to read it when I felt like that.

One morning in my forties I walked into the room my wife was in and I said "I think I was sexually abused when I was a child." This was the beginning. A few years later the pain became so intense I turned to pills. It worked for awhile, then it didn't work so well anymore. I was lucky I lived.

I really did get help finally. It took a long time, I was self medicating, I went through a lot of therapists. I never could keep a job. All my interactions with others were fatally flawed and in the end, I realized I was working always to get people to not like me or even hurt me. I knew this was coming from my sub conscious, that I couldn't stop it. (I was right) Being expelled from the group is like being killed. Not being accepted by the group (any group) is the worst thing that can happen to a person I think.

Well, I don't try to be accepted anymore. I know and understand what happened to me now. I am working on trying to be with others. I would like to be able to go back to work somehow. (I really need money lol so that would be good) I am working on it. I am always submissive. This is very hard in our society because men are not supposed to be like that and they are hard on you if you are. I am not going to go into all the gory details about sexual abuse and what it does to boys, this is a PTSD forum and so there are people who wouldn't understand and shouldn't have too. I'm a male survivor to use a term from another board. I know this and I know the things it caused in me and in my life and I know it's abusive reactive and I don't have to hate myself about it anymore. (Not as much anyway)

My wife is supportive and has helped me through all these years of therapy and not working. Even she saw and accepted it finally. For years in therapy even I really did not even believe it. I didn't believe I had cPTSD. I didn't believe I had repressed memories. I just thought I was bad. I thought I was making excuses. I thought I was born like that. It was really hard on everyone but things are much better now. Yesterday was Father's day. My family was so good to me. There were some very dark years.

It feels so good to keep letting it out. It's like getting all the poison out. I just know there are so many people are walking around like I was. It was not really a question of keeping secrets or not wanting anyone to know what happened. It is so different than that. You remember things but you don't, you know things but you don't. That's what disassociation is, and repression.

In so many ways I am being "myself" right now. I know a lot of what I think of as myself is abuse reactive but I have to live like this at least for now. That whole old life, it's all over in so many ways. I was not me, I was not anyone. I was really just a shell of a person. It was just constant pain. Always being like "will someone please help me can't you see this pain?" So awful. I remember trying to do things that were supposed to be fun, it was like going into battle lol. I was always so tremendously upset about everything, always being triggered and having episodes. Looking back I can see now I was waiting always for the next trigger. I just thought that was "how I was."

Now I'm not depressed, there is recovery or at least there's something besides being depressed. I just think it has to come out. I had to be made whole, to come back together with the parts the trauma cut off. I found out I could be with it and be with another person and they could know and they wouldn't punish me or reject me. Then I was able to begin to do that with myself. It was so hard to get it out. Not just talking about it, I found you could talk about it but not really get to it. It has to be ready I guess. Talking about it is not accepting it. I didn't really need anyone else to accept it, I had to. That's what I'm doing now in therapy. I think that's what therapy is, I've been wondering about that for a long time. Writing this was helpful, thank you.
 
@Mach123 , this is one of the most powerful shares I have ever read by a man. So to the point, you shared a lot in a few words...

I hope everyone here reads your post... a lot of hope in your message.. self forgiveness and honest about your continuing struggles... thank you so much for sharing... so glad you are here....
 
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