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I'm Not Sure How To Feel

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My heart hurts. My body aches. I feel empty inside. The blood is my only choice. Shed some she says you'll feel better, less dead. You'll always be broken bitch, try all you want, you will never succeed. I want to be accepted, I want to be loved, I don't want to be that scared child cowering in the closet hearing everything around me; screaming, fighting, doors slamming, people crying,....everything. Emptiness in the heart is a void that almost nothing can fill, you can try to heal but there will always be stitch marks. I am empty inside and out. f*ck it.
 
I only have a sec as I have to get off to work, but saw this and couldn't let you sit alone with it, although I know others will reply. I HEAR you and I know those feelings and that pain. I also know those desires. You are not alone in feeling this way and you are not alone on this journey.

I have read so many entries out here that tell me healing is possible and that the void can be filled. Please read more posts and hang in there. Hang on until you find a place to start healing.

Also, if I'm understanding your post, please don't cut yourself. It's not the answer. I've been there - it just leaves visible scars to parallel the scars on the inside. Find another way to let "it" out.

I'll check back in over the holdiays. Do you have someone you can call in real-time, like a friend or a therapist? Take care. VB
 
My problem is I've been going to therapy for 3 years and I'm still not done working on it. Why haven't I made leaps of progress?! :mad: I know I'm not alone in this but sometimes it's hard to see the big picture. I know cutting isn't the way to go and I won't do it but God that would just an amazing release right now :( . I also very much hate the holidays. I need to make way more progress than I have been and I hate that I won't let myself because I just start to shut down.... f*ck! :mad::banghead: I hate all of this. Why can't I just be normal?!
 
You've summed up questions and quandaries that I've seen posted out here over and again, and that I feel myself. What I've learned here and through some 12 step programs is that it takes as long as it takes and that the only way out is through. You have to trudge through the mental mud puddles and quagmires to get to where you want to be. Everyone is different, so your way through might be different. However you do it, you have to find some way to support yourself and cope for the long haul. It's darn hard work. I've seen it written over and again. I've experienced it over and again. I'm just starting up therapy again after 8 years of bad therapy and a break. I'm so discombobulated at this point, that I wouldn't know where to begin to explain, but the encouragement out here is tremendous. You've found a good community.

I totally get the need for knowing an end date, a "normal" life that is free of this roller coaster of an existence, the pain and frustration, the need for release and numbing. I think it was about a month ago that I wanted to run a razor up my arm. Hello, where did that come from? I haven't cut in a few years, but something triggered that response. Instead of cutting, I tried to determine the trigger. I'm doing that now with a couple of addictions I have. Trying to figure out why I want to be numb and comfort myself at the same time. It's 1/8 inch by 1/8 inch that I work on this. Sometimes 2 steps forward, 1 back. I'm learning from what I'm reading out here and from my new T, that I have to start acknowledging what I am doing that is good for myself and the progress I am making. Also, to be compassionate with myself and not be judgmental. I hope all that makes sense.

There are many helpful tools out here if you look around at other posts. Even doing the daily "gratitude" and "feeling" postings is helpful under the "Social" tab. Also, if you are so inclined, there is a post by SheilaKathy where members write about different aspects of Christianity. I also have a post out there about inspiration songs in case you like music. I say: "Bring as much light into your life as possible to stave off the darkness." Whatever that might mean to you - i.e. nature, a pet, art, music, funny movies....

I wish you the best and hope that others with more Experience, Strength and Hope (ESH) than I will chime in. For now, I offer hugs of encouragement and wanting to let you know that you are not alone. Take care. VB
 
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