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Sexual Assault I'm Not Sure If I Was Sexually Assaulted?

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pineapple98

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Last year, I lost my virginity to someone I had previously dated. We had talked about having sex before, and he was coming from another state to see me. I was very nervous when I heard he was coming but i was scared about what he would say if I said i didn't want to sleep with him. Fast forward to the night of. I came into the room and said I wanted to take a nap (because I was so nervous). I laid down on the bed and after a little while of not being able to sleep, he started poking me. He looked at me and said "it's time for us to have sex now." I don't remember if I said OK or not.
He started undressing me.
I was shaking.
He mentioned that I was shaking and I expected him to ask if I was OK or if I wanted to have sex. He didn't.
It hurt really bad, but I didn't say no or try to stop him from putting it in. I was in tears from how bad it hurt. He didn't ask me if I wanted to stop or if I was OK.
Later that night he asked me if I wanted to have sex again and I said yes. It hurt even worse than the first time and eventually I told him to stop. I had to tell him to stop three times (yelled it the last time) before he did.
I'm not sure if I was sexually assaulted or if it's just regret.
I feel that I was coerced into having sex because every time I mentioned that I may not want to, he would make me feel guilty about how far he drove and the money he spent on the hotel room.
 
My therapist would say that at any moment you say "no or stop" and they don't, it is rape. I don't know what you call yours because he did stop but on the third shout out. He obviously didn't care about you or your well being at any point of this event. I would end this.
 
Rather or not it was rape is debatable and you probably won't be able to get back at him legally unless you actually told him no or to stop and he forced it anyway. I would recommended that you should probably stop seeing them, though. It's really obviously you were uncomfortable and didn't want it and they didn't seem to care at all. To me it seems like signs of them being untrustable and having an unhealthy sex life. However, considering you were the one it happened to it's your judgement that counts.
 
I figured you wouldn't but I felt it was worth mentioning. Your feelings about it are understandable. If I was in your shoes I would feel sexually violated, I'm sorry you had to go through it.
 
@pineapple98 if you need help working through your feelings there are many better places to get it. Nobody here is a professional. We are just people with PTSD.

Have you tried phoning a sexual assault hotline? There are online versions as well. A quick google search will lead you to them.
 
I'm just confused as to how I should feel about it.
Why?

Do you feel one way if it was assault, and another way if not? From what you describe of the first time, I'd say no, that was not assault. I'm sorry, it sounds like you were afraid (the way many people are) to say that you did not want to have sex - because you didn't know how it would affect your partner.

You do have the right to change your mind, at any time. You have the responsibility to communicate that. You did communicate it the second time, and he did stop.

I think you had a tough experience, and I'm sorry for that - truly. Working through your feelings - why you thought you had to do what you didn't want to do, what you were afraid of, and how you can believe in your own wants more completely, and have confidence in them - that's what seems to matter here.

You might need to do some work around the fact that you did consent, but seem to think that it will feel differently if you can believe that you didn't.
 
I think you need to examine why you were afraid to tell him no in the first place (it's clear that you were nervous and afraid, but do you have a history of abuse in your life that might have contributed?). The dynamic that you describe sounds incredibly creepy to me -- because it sounds like you were terrified of him even before the sex took place. And it kinda sounds like he got off on you being afraid. But at the same time, I'm not sure you can call that assault. Ideally, yes, he should've asked if you were okay and asked why you were shaking and crying. A loving partner would normally do that.

But him not asking if you were okay, and not saying anything about you shaking and crying, doesn't make it rape.

It does sound like he was sleazy ("It's time for us to have sex now" -- who says that? Really?!) and aggressive, and he treated you like crap. But I don't think that can be considered sexual assault.
 
I would say this is definitely sexual assault. Even when you did say yes, it sounds like you didn't mean it. To a court, that time would not have been "rape," but if in your body you feel that dirtiness and violation, that is rape.
And as for the time when you had to say stop three times for him to physically stop, I believe that is most definitely rape.
We believe you, stay strong.
 
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