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I'm Not Trying To Be Dramatic - Really, I'm Not

Discussion in 'Introductions' started by Rob T., Mar 31, 2007.

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  1. Rob T.

    Rob T. Active Member

    Hi, This is Rob S.

    My sadness and fear levels are almost complete, so this is probably the worst time to try to Introduce myself on a PTSD forum. Or, actually, it might be the best time, come to think of it.

    Most people are look like a threat to me. When I was 8 years old, a man who was a relative of mine attacked me and either knocked me out or knocked me into hysterical memory loss. He covered up his attack + my family believed him. when I was about 5, I went to a new school and was beaten by 5 kids I didnt know. I dont remember that day at all. I seem to have a lot of bad experiences, it almost reads like a cheap novel. If I felt like joking I'd put in a joke here.
    I can't stop my hands from shaking-I'm nervous and scared to talk about my PTSD or other things. I used to own a small plymouth car-and ran into a deer once + knocked it down. I've had to stop for deer too many times in my car. I've had to stop for jaywalking people too much in my car. I've been in over 4 auto accidents. one of which nearly killed + nearly crippled my mom. I was harrassed a lot by kids who carried knives when I was a teenager. one kid threatened my with a deadly weapon. Trust is very hard for me. I'm over 30. I've been trying to get into comfortable therapy for the last 14 years. Several friends said I could call them when I was unhappy. I had lost 2 friends that way, and another friend is drifting in that direction as well.

    Trust people? can I tell who is lying? hardly. sadly, my parents like acting + so do a lot of my sisters-so my judging who's giving me an act or a lie is really hard for me. My kidneys have problems, to add to my emotional hurts. oh gad. I feel so trapped. I feel so alone. My roomates aren't here now, so there's no one for me to talk to. I feel so sad. The people I talk to don't believe that I can be as sad + feel as vulnerable or hopeless as anyone.

    People expect me to be superman + let every pain just roll off me. I'm not superman, my pains are beating the tar out of me. I was home alone when the U.S. was attcked by planes on sept. 11th 2001. I was living about 90 minutes from New York City. I had to talk to 4 of my relatives, including some sisters that day-they were calling to be sure that my Dad and I hadn't been killed in NYC that day. Including 9/11 probably sounds like a ploy to be dramatic, I didn't mean it to be. sorry. I believe I can find a therapist and beat PTSD. But is probably going to be long + hard for me. I guess it is for everyone. I feel like apologising. This problem feels so: unreal, and frightening. I feel like a jerk for unloading my feelings like this. sorry. It's just every day feels so scary, cold and alone. And a few friends of mine have walked away from me. I feel so sad. It is so hard to believe that things will work out on days that are scary and lonely.

    Talk to You Later, Rob S.
     
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  3. Rob T.

    Rob T. Active Member

    Hi folks,

    I hope that my [introduction posting] wasn't too strong. I had been down and lonely for a lot of days, when I got the opportunity to post my introduction post, i just fell apart and didn't hold back anything. I probably could have introduced myself with 45 less paragraphs. : )

    Have a Good Day,

    Rob S.
     
  4. willing

    willing Active Member

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    Rob no apologies needed. Welcome to the forum. This is a great find for you. Good job. Way to be proactive in your healing. And that is what it is you are doing healing. What an aweful thing sounds like you qualify to me but we'll leave that to professionals I guess. I totally understand too that you feel like a jerk when you let out everything. I do too so I relate. My life sometimes feels like a movie it is so surreal at times. I get lost in time often and things while they are happening feel like they are on the screen and I am observing in third person. Can you drive even? I would be scared to death. Anyway, I guess what I would want you to know is that after reading what you have been through I would be just as anxiety riddled an lonely too. I can tell some of my friends are pulling away, but I just have to remember is I am all I have and as long as I am honestly working on healing then it is okay. Some can't be around us because they too have PTSD or they just can't handle it because they relate so much they take it on. So they need their space and I let them. But I always remember it is them not me that has the problem. It is not because of me. Keep writing and sharing.
    Take Care,
    Patty
     
  5. Rob T.

    Rob T. Active Member

    Dear Patty,

    Thank you for replying to my posts and for understanding my feelings. It realy does encourage me to keep going and to keep working on my problems. Thank you for telling me that I didn't have to call myself a jerk for totally unloading my feelings in my introduction post. It really made me feel very, very good to hear that.
    I really feel good that I've found the people at this forum. it really makes me feel good to know that a group of people are "in the same ptsd boat" with me or are in a [similar ptsd boat with me]. I'll try to say that a different way. It really makes me feel good that other people are working on PTSD, like I am working on PTSD. It really makes me feel good that people accept me as I am and don't look down on me or ostracize me for PTSD and things like it. Thanks for your reply. It really does make me feel better and encouraged.

    Have a Good Day,

    Rob
     
  6. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    Hello Rob,

    :hello: Welcome to the forum Rob. I wish I had more time to say a little something, but right now I'm sneaking just a bit of time on the forum.

    I just want you to know that there are others here that will be welcoming you too.

    Rob, I know exactly what you mean when you say, what you did above in quotes. Me too! It was always this way for me too and for to long, but truly has been getting better with my persistent efforts to heal, and to grow in all area's of my life, no matter what.

    Again, welcome to the forum and no need to apoligize for anything in your intro.

    Hope
     
  7. Rob T.

    Rob T. Active Member

    Dear goingonhope,

    Thank you for your reply to my posts. It really makes me feel good that other people can relate to my PTSD experience. I really enjoy the encouragement and support that you and other people give to me in this forum. I really appreciate your replying and talking to me about my intro post. That is really nice of you to to do that for me.

    Have a Good day,

    Rob
     
  8. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Hi Rob, welcome to the forum and look forward to reading you around the forum.
     
  9. Rob T.

    Rob T. Active Member

    Thanks anthony,

    The forum seems like a great place to be.

    Have a Good Day,

    Rob
     
  10. Marlene

    Marlene I'm a VIP Premium Member

    Rob,

    Welcome to the forum. This is one of the few places in my life where I feel comfortable (outside of my family). And the only place I know I can go and not feel quite so alone with everything PTSD related. The community I've found here, yeah-it's just words on a computer screen, but it's real. Real people who really care.

    Again, welcome.
     
  11. nov_silence

    nov_silence Well-Known Member

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    Glad you are here!
     
  12. Rob T.

    Rob T. Active Member

    Hi Marlene, thank you for the welcome. I'm glad that there are people to support you + I and all the other people who are on the ptsdforum.org.

    Good Day, Rob
     
  13. Rob T.

    Rob T. Active Member

    Hi nov slience,

    Thank you for welcoming me to the forum.

    Have a Good Day,

    Rob
     
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