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I'm So Confused, Concerned, Lost...and Feel Guilty...

Discussion in 'Supporter Discussion' started by Nonie, Nov 5, 2007.

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  1. Nonie

    Nonie Member

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    Hi all, i'm new to posting, but have been reading the message board for a while now. First of all, i have to say that you all are so full of encouragement, and i like how the sufferer's view and the carer's view can be shared in one place...and everyone helps. This was just what i was looking for.

    My bf ended our relationship for reasons he said couldn't explain. He's military and constantly deploying. He wanted to still be friends, but i was having a hard time accepting that, since my feelings were still very strong. Anytime i told him i can't do this anymore, and i need to let go, we got into a huge fight, and wouldn't talk for a while. Then we would end up reconciling and talking again. He knew i was hurting and was upset, and it would make him upset too, but nothing changed. I guess i just wanted closure to the break up, but wasn't getting it because i didn't know why he ended it. It got to a point where i was absolutely drained from everything. At this point i figured it's probably ptsd, but at the same time i wasn't too sure because he would tell me from time to time that he misses me, and thinks of me everyday, that his thoughts of me make him happy and they help him sleep at night, that he does love me and want me, but he feels dead inside. He said he needs to find his own answers and doesn't want any help from anyone, because it tears him down rather than bring him up. Also he said nobody, including me, will ever understand what he's going through.

    I guess it just got to a point where it was too much push and pull for me. I was trying to be there for him and encourage him to get some help, and just trying to be a good friend to him, since he wanted to remain friends after the break up. On the other hand i was struggling with being his friend because it was killing me inside that i had such strong feelings for him still, and overnight it seemed like he lost all feelings. Anytime i would talk about the break up and try and either get closure for myself, or try and fix the relationship, he would get really mad at me and dissapear for a while. Yet, he would come back later and talk to me as if everything was just fine and nothing happened before. This was really doing a number on me, i was so confusedddd. I didn't know if he ended it because of some particular reason...like did he fall out of love with me, has he met someone else, did i do something wrong?? Or if he ended it because he's numb and possibly has ptsd but just doesn't know it yet? I guess that's why i stuck around for so long, because i wanted to believe it was possibly ptsd.

    (Just an FYI: As soon as i saw signs of ptsd, i sent him some information to read and did not pressure him to get back to me, but only when he was ready. He appreciated my help and the information but said he felt too uncomfortable to talk about anything, or the possibility of ptsd. He also said he knows that isn't what i want to hear, but he doesn't know what else to say...he's just confused and doesn't have a clue.)

    He was showing signs of ptsd very clearly, IMO...from his actions, behavior, attitude, personality, including some of the things he shared with me that bother him sometimes. I believe he was talking about flashbacks (but didn't realize that's what he was having since he described it as being a weird and strange thing and he doesn't feel normal for it). He also told me he has countless thoughts about the people in Afghan/Iraq cities he's been into and wonders how many survived, how many are injured, how many children are injured or have been killed, are the children without parents, how many mothers have died, pregnant women.

    He said his mind is consumed with thoughts of children--he finds himself thinking of situations where he sees children about to be hurt or killed, and right before it happens, he fades out and comes around, and doesn't realize what just happened, and the whole time it was happening his body was frozen. I'm not too sure, but i thought these might be flashbacks perhaps? Am i wrong? Is it something else?

    He doesn't sleep well, he barely sleeps, he can't fall asleep, he wakes up randomly, he's always exhausted, his mind shuts down on him and he can't concentrate sometimes, his typing skills have gotten worse over time; he can't spell simple words anymore. He thinks he's gotten dumber over the years. He doesn't like to smile or laugh anymore and if he finds himself doing so, he quickly stops and goes back to his serious mode, i guess.

    His co-workers think he's changed, they joke with him telling him he needs to see a therapist, and he's always off daydreaming or on another planet. He spends long days in the office...longer than he should have to. I think he's become a workaholic.

    It's gotten to the point that we don't even talk anymore, he had stopped contacting me completely through email or instant messenger, and i wasn't able to call him since he's in iraq, and he didn't call me either though. I told him i needed some time and space to heal, and get over the break up because it still hurts quite bad. I still love him, i always will, i want to fix our relationship and i want him back, but i can't handle this anymore...there's just too many conflicting emotions i'm feeling. It's such a cycle...he shares and opens up a little about what he thinks about or whats bothering him, i listen, then he dissapears for a while, i get distraught because he's dissapeared for so long and try and email him and i show my concern for him and pour my heart out to him, he rejects it politely, i get bitter, we argue, we don't talk for a while...then he comes back to talk to me again after a while. AND THE CYCLE REPEATS ITSELF.

    **sighhhh** This has all happened while he's on this current deployment. It's been so hard to deal with it. In 7 months of being there, he has called me ONCE, and that was after he read my LAST email attempt to cut ties with him because i couldn't do this anymore. During that conversation we didn't talk about anything to do with the relationship or my email, or anything he's going through. I tried to lighten the mood though and we had a few jokes and a good conversation i suppose, but only because i made sure i sounded okay and happy, so that he could be in a more comfortable mood too.

    When i wrote the most recent email to him telling him i need time to heal and gather my thoughts and i won't be contacting him for now, he actually accepted it, but this is where he also admitted that he has a mental weakness, and is embarrassed by it, and he needs to find the answers himself, without anyones help. He also told me that he tried to tell me in the very beginning that he is a brick wall, and doesn't share anything with people close to him, and that i wouldn't totally accept that. He said he's dead inside, but he still cares about me, misses me, loves me, and thinks of me everyday, as i mentioned before. I feel like he finally let the cat out of the bag to me in his response, confirming that he does have a problem and that he needs to deal with it alone.

    Why did he wait so long to finally tell me this? I have a feeling he's had this for a while, but it's progressively gotten worse over time. Did he not tell me because he didn't want to lose me entirely, even though he ended it? Am i doing the right thing by backing off and not contacting him now? Is that what he wants? I have no clue what he wants. I always wonder if we will ever get back together again. This is the guy who told me a few months back that he wants to marry me and have children together.

    I just don't know what to do anymore, or what i can even do to help him. Even though we have no contact right now, should i still let him know that i care and that i'm here for him? This is just so overwhelming for me. I feel like i'm constantly stepping on eggshells with him..and he told me he feels like he's stepping on eggshells around me.

    I don't know, but i just feel so guilty for cutting all communication with him, i feel like he was expecting something more when i replied to his last e-mail, but i didnt. I just told him i hope he finds his answers soon, and that he feels better.

    OK, Now on to me:

    I've had 2 "episodes" this week, where i have felt like i was literally going to die, and had no idea what was going on. One occured when i was asleep--i woke up out of nowhere and couldn't breathe, sweated profusely to the point that i felt like i just stepped out of the shower and my shirt was soaked, i couldn't move, or breathe, my heart was racing..i got out of my bed and tried to stand up and make my way to the bathroom. I could barely walk, i felt like my legs were giving way on me. I struggled to get to the bathroom and without knowing what i was actually doing, i ended up laying down on my bathroom floor. At that point, i felt like i was having an out of body experience, it was so strange, i didn't know where i was, or what was going on. I felt like i couldn't function, or think at all. My stomach was hurting bad, and i felt nauseous, but i couldn't throw anything up. I also ended up with diahrrea for 40 minutes. I really thought i was going to die, it felt like a heart attack, my throat became the size of a straw. It really scared me and shook me up for the rest of the day.

    Since that episode which was on the 31st october, i have had a tingly and numb feeling in my feet and hands ever since. I also have constant butterflies in my stomach, they never EVER go. They're always there. I feel like im nervous about something but i don't know what. I always feel worried, and i don't know what i'm worried over. I keep feeling like something bad is going to happen. My body is constantly shaking, particularly my hands and feet. I feel my heart racing at times, and i get headaches a lot. Sometimes i get stomach pains. I've lost my appetite, and can't stand looking at food anymore. I struggle to eat, and i've lost 15lbs in 3 weeks. I have sudden outbursts of tears, and i just cry so hard, and i feel a pain in my chest.

    The second "episode" was this morning. I was already awake, but i felt my legs just go dead, and the same thing happened again, minus the severe sweating. And i still have the butterflies constantly and the nervous worried feeling. It never leaves. I also noticed that my memory has gotten weaker. When someone says something to me, i literally forget it 2 minutes later, and have to ask them what they just said. It's so weird. I've never been like that before. I have a great memory and i remember even the smallest details, but these days it's so strange. I forget so many things, even if i was just told at that instant. It's pretty much gotten to the point that people are asking me if i'm okay because i always have a "worried" "scared" or "nervous" look on my face, and i'm too quiet, and i drift off.

    This is just really scaring me, i don't know why this is happening to me. Could it be a result of the break up, or my relationship with him?

    I'm so sorry this is so long....i am just a huge mess right now. I don't know what to do. Any help would be really appreciated, thank you.
     
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  3. Kathy

    Kathy I'm a VIP

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    Welcome to the forum Nonie, lovely to have you and I am glad you decided to post. You are correct; there is much support and good information upon this forum for those who will avail themselves of it.

    Your boyfriend's symptoms do indeed sound like PTSD, however it would be best if he were evaluated by a qualified professional. That is the only way for him to know for certain, and self-diagnosis is not a wise idea. Not to mention, a diagnosis means he can be properly treated and may be entitled to certain benefits as well. Ultimately his decision though naturally. From what you say it sounds as though he may not be ready for such a step.

    Now from what I understand, he is currently deployed? You have been discussing your relationship and highly emotional matters with him whilst he is deployed? As a military wife myself, I must say, that is not a wise idea in my opinion. Whilst a soldier is deployed, he is in a very different mindset than when he is home. He is under a tremendous amount of pressure constantly. It is unfair to expect him to make certain emotional decisions whilst in that state of mind. I know many soldiers whilst deployed receive "Dear John" letters and such, it is most common, however I have always thought it rather unkind, to put it mildly. They are in a different world over there, and whilst you should be truthful to them in your communications, certain issues are best left to when they return home. At least that is my personal feeling and opinion, from years of experience.

    The episodes you describe of yourself sound very much like panic attacks and general anxiety. They could very well be caused from your current stress and worry. Again however, it would be best to be evaluated by a professional, to rule out anything physical. If you are having panic attacks, there are certain breathing and relaxation exercises which can be helpful. Learning positive self-talk can also be helpful. To get you started, try reading the following posts in the Information section:

    [DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread160.html[/DLMURL]

    [DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread3248.html[/DLMURL]

    [DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread5650.html[/DLMURL]

    [DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread3223.html[/DLMURL]

    There are several more which may be helpful; especially in the Anxiety and the Pain Management sections. In any event, welcome to the forum once again, do take care and well done for sharing.
     
  4. Nonie

    Nonie Member

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    Kathy, thank you for reading my post and responding. Yes, he is currently deployed, and has been there for a few months now. I'm sure it doesn't make much of a difference, but if it helps to know, he works in an office enviroment everyday, and once in a while, he goes on field missions.

    We have been discussing the relationship issue because it came out of nowhere. He was the one who wanted to break up, and didn't have a reason to explain why? Because of that, i became very emotional and wanted to fix the relationship. I didn't want to end it, but he stuck with his decision. Naturally, i did pester for an answer, because i needed some closure, but i wasn't getting any at all. Furthermore, i didn't think it was fair to me that he ended it through an e-mail, and asked him to call me and tell me it's over so that for myself it will actually sink in, and that i will get the closure i need, and move on. I know that sounds selfish, but i just don't think that was right to do it through an e-mail, and he refused to call me because he thought i wanted him to twist with guilt and hear me being upset. That wasn't the case at all, i just needed to hear it from him and then i would have known for sure that it was truly over. After a while it seemed as though he was just looking for excuses to validate the relationship being over.

    Also the fact that he wanted to remain friends with me after he broke up with me, kinda bothered me. Like i said in my first post, he still told me he missed me, and loved me and cared for me very much, and that he thinks about me everyday. I guess that was toying with my emotions, since my feelings were still very strong for him. So when he would open up and say those nice things to me, i would try to fix things with him, but it always failed. It made me feel bitter, emotional, a wreck.

    I've always been there for him, no matter what. I feel like i was a great gf to him, i sent him packages, i constantly e-mailed him even while he was gone on field missions for a month or two..so that when he came back he knew i was thinking of him. I would talk to him on IM every night, and lose my sleep to talk to him at his convenience. At times, i think to myself that from the beginning of the relationship, i was the only one who put so much effort into the relationship and was more emotionally connected to him. At one point he even told me that i put more effort into the relationship than he did, and it felt like he had no remorse over it, and that hurt a lot.

    I know that he needs to see someone to be properly diganosed if he has anything. Right now, i don't even know if he is seeking help or not, he doesn't speak about it. Well, we have no contact right now, and it's been about a week. I seem him on IM sometimes, and i have the urge to message him, but something always holds me back. I know he sees me on there too, but he doesn't message me either. It just makes me think so much...that is he waiting for me to message him? Does he want to see if i will make the effort to contact him to show that i still care about him, and that i'm here for him if he ever wants to talk? I just don't know. In his last e-mail, he did tell me that he needs some time and space too, so i'm doing as he requested and i've backed away. At the same time, this time apart, and no contact is just killing me.

    I guess i just don't know if i should let him know that i still care and i'm here for him?? I feel guilty because i feel like i walked away from him, but i haven't. I do want to be there for him, and it kills me that he pushed me so far away.
     
  5. Nonie

    Nonie Member

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    Sorry Kathy, i forgot to reply on the portion about myself. I had a hunch that it could be anxiety or panic attacks. I have been looking into doctors, and will be making an appointment sometime this week. I do feel that this has all been triggered by the relationship ending, and the way it ended. I feel like i've also slipped into mild depression, because i have sudden outbursts of tears and crying for no reason along with loss of appetite, and dramatic weight loss.

    Thank you for the links, and your help regarding this matter. I will be taking some time to read through them and try the breathing exercises too.
     
  6. Kathy

    Kathy I'm a VIP

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    To someone without PTSD, it would seem rather insensitive to go the email route rather than speaking directly. However Nonie, perhaps that was all he was capable of at the time. PTSD sufferers can have much trouble with confrontation and the emotions of others. It can be most overwhelming for them at times. As difficult as it is, it is important to not pester and push them beyond their limits. It often only makes matters worse. So, it is best to respect his boundaries, even if they seem unreasonable to you.

    If he indeed has PTSD and is currently not being treated, I doubt he was purposely toying with your emotions Nonie. Again, please remember, PTSD is a very serious illness which effects how one relates to others. He is likely confused about what he wants. Must you tolerate that? No, absolutely not, you have your own boundaries and you must decide for yourself what you will and will not tolerate. However, it is important to remember that he is not the same as a man without PTSD, and his actions will likely not have the same intent.

    Since he has directly requested space Nonie, it is important you honour that request. He is likely overwhelmed at present, and if you don't respect his wishes and contact him, you may push him away further. Honestly I would wait until he contacts you, as difficult as that is for you. You are having anxiety issues yourself Nonie. Therefore, perhaps it is best for you to concentrate on yourself at the moment. Take time for yourself, practice the exercises, and get help if need be. If you do plan to be friends with him in future and/or get back together, you will need to be strong. Take care.
     
  7. nyc

    nyc Member

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    Hi Nonie,
    My heart goes out to you.
    It's 2 am I hope this is not too rambling.
    I am having the same/similar issues with my bf who has shut down, locked himself in a cage, and pushes me away. I appreciated Kathy's words of wisdom- because I need to be reminded that my bf (ex- he has dumped me several times) is ill and his condition is very serious. But my irrational side is going crazy. I too feel like I'm getting some kind of secondary depression/anxiety.

    It's so difficult to give bf space when all i want to do is be there for him. But, I'm doing my best. I keep reading reading reading to get my head around his ptsd. And to be honest I am starting to lose hope because I can't hang in there on my own anymore. And he seems to have lost his hopw. He can't see his future at all.

    The weirdest part is that he went into therapy to sort everything out so that we would have a chance- and from that very point 6 months ago, our relationship totally disintegrated. He doesn't feel anything for me at present- not even care. This is quite devastating to hear. he smokes pot quite regularly and I feel that this is contributing to the numbness, depression, and detachment.

    I am now aware that he has been lying about many things. as well I feel that it's part of his daydreaming world where he is not bound by truth. This has been painful. I don't know if this is part of ptsd.

    I was quite pushy asking him to get the emdr- but his therapist has only one this with him twice in 6 months. She told him that his healing would take 12 months but he has asked me not to wait.

    When we are close he gets anxiety attacks, incredible heart palpitations, He's had facial rashes, vomiting. It's heart breaking to think that this is what I cause in him. All I can think of is that I need to let him go because of this. But it's so tragic when I feel that he is the sweetest person that I have ever met- and it kills me to watch him suffer.

    I'm so relieved that he is seeing the shrink every week, and his mental health at this moment is more important than our relationship. But it really has been a painful time. I have no advice for you because I feel exactly what you do.

    I asked my bf if I could see his shrink so I could be more helpful and able to respond to his needs. He wasn't up for this. So his shrink has recommended someone for me to see so I can find out what I need to do to be more helpful a nd react appropriately to his ptsd. Because I really think i make things worse sometimes and push him away more.

    It's hard to know if it's time to cut my losses- everything is spinning out of control. Is there a point you get to where you feel like you're just co- dependent in a relationship with someone who is not able to give anything. Or do you hang in there because this guy didn't deserve to go through this and he is the most wonderful person imaginable who is going through a ridiculously painful time and doing everything necessary to survive it.

    Right now I'm giving space and trying to gently be there for him every now and then. I'm trying not to give up- but it's hard when he keeps pushing me away.

    Jodie
     
  8. Kathy

    Kathy I'm a VIP

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    Welcome to Carers Jodie, lovely to see you posting in here and I hope you derive some support from it.

    I must reiterate, even should your intentions be good, even if you are affectionate, kind, helpful and so on - if it is not wanted it is still as much of a violation of his boundaries as if you were nagging or nasty. No difference. In fact my daughter (who has PTSD) has remarked to me that kindness is worse some respects, as she feels more obligated to accept it, and guilty therefore when she rejects it. I cannot stress enough the importance of giving a PTSD sufferer their needed space.

    It is difficult to say. You may want to ask the sufferers themselves this question. My own personal opinion - it could be dissociation or some other such symptom, it could be denial on his part, or it could be lying simply to avoid having to deal with certain aspects, if he feels he is being put under too much pressure. When someone is very stressed they will generally take the easiest route to avoid further stress, and lying is often much easier than telling the truth.

    I must disagree with the therapist providing you with a definite timeline for his healing. The time it takes for someone to heal is a highly individual matter, dependent on many different factors. Additionally, whilst much can be accomplished in 12 months, I do think it is a rather short period of time for most as far as the healing process goes.

    Again Jodie, no means no. If he asks directly for space, or says he does not want help, then do not offer it. Wait for him to come round to you. The most helpful thing you can do is respect his wishes and learn about PTSD as much as you can. You will indeed push him away more if you do not respect his boundaries. I hope the professional you see will be helpful for yourself Jodie. Many carers go into therapy for themselves. I am currently in therapy, albeit grief therapy. Your number one commitment is to your own well being. You can not give away what you don't have yourself. Do take care.
     
  9. nyc

    nyc Member

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    Thank you so much Kathy. I really appreciate your words. I need to hear all of this- from someone who knows. I'll keep away until he asks and work on myself a little more.
     
  10. Kathy

    Kathy I'm a VIP

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    Good luck to you Jodie, just keep learning and being willing to learn, and take care of yourself, that is most important. If you concentrate on those aspects, everything will fall into place, however it was meant to be. At least, that is my belief. Take care.
     
  11. Nonie

    Nonie Member

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    nyc/jodie: Thanks for posting. It's nice to know that i can relate to someone on the board who is going through something much similar to me. I'm sorry to hear things are so rough. It has been a long time since i've posted in this thread, so i'm hoping things have improved for you/both of you?? Please share an update..and i hope you were able to go to the therapist meetings with him, or alone, and were able to get a good insight on your situation. How does the situation stand with you both currently? And how are you feeling?
     
  12. Nonie

    Nonie Member

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    Thanks for your reply again, Kathy. I did exactly the above and stuck with the no contact/need space and time deal. Like i mentioned in my first post in this thread...we had both said we needed the time and space--so, since we we're in agreement with that, i stuck to it.

    Ever since those e-mails were written back and forth, i never got in touch with him again. I didn't e-mail him, i didn't IM him even though i would see him online either. He never e-mailed me, and he never IMed me either when he would see me online either. This went on for about 12 days....but yesterday he broke the No Contact Rule.

    I'm not too sure why he did this?? He asked me how i was, and what's new? I told him i was doing good, and nothing new going on, just the same old. Then he took it upon himself to tell me that he found a new job stateside. So i told him "good for you, i'm happy for you". To which he told me "Thanks, i hope i pass their requirements, i kinda need this...". And i had wrote back and said "Yes you do".

    After that, there was a long 2-3 minute silence, but i could see that he was typing me an IM back, but was taking a very long time writing it. I noticed it would say he was writing...then it would stop...then it would say he was writing...then it would stop....so i'm not too sure if he ended up deleting a LONG IM that he perhaps was going to send me?

    In the end, what he ended up writing back was pretty short...He said "Anyway...just wanted to see if i could say hi, i'm going to sleep now...hope all is well with you and that you are well". Those were his exact words. And as i was typing him a response back..which would have eventually read: "I'm doing great, thanks for asking...take care, bye"....he had already signed off. So that last message i was going to send him, never got delivered. Maybe he signed off so quickly because i was being so short/blunt or too the very point?

    I didn't say anything that could have lead to a conversation. He did most of the talking, and i was just responding to his messages with 3-4 words at the most. I didn't ask him any questions about his new job, or where it's located exactly, or when he's coming back home from Iraq, or if he's expected to stay in Iraq until this deployment finishes....i didn't say a word that would have LEAD to a longer conversation.

    I'm not sure why he broke the no contact rule here, especially since he said he needed time and space himself...he also told me to take all the time i need, and then contact him when i'm ready. Clearly, i am not ready, yet he still took it upon himself to message me last night when he saw me online, and there have been days within the 12 days of no contact...that we were both online at the same time, and i completely stopped myself from contacting him, and so did he. Yet, last night he messaged me.

    Not sure what to think of this...i feel like he is messing with my emotions, because he clearly stated in his last e-mail to me that he doesn't want to talk about why he broke up with me, and he is sick and tired of it. So if that's the case, then why is he keeping in touch with me?? He knows i'm hurting so BAD over all of this, and he knows i care so much about him too. I also feel like he messaged me to let me know he got a job back stateside, and perhaps he wanted to see for himself if he still has a chance to reconcile with me when he comes home eventually?? I'm not sure,any insight at all, Kathy? Or anyone else perhaps?
     
  13. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    There is your reason for him making contact. He wanted to see if he could say Hi and that you were well. That's it. That is his reason. You are trying to read way more into this than there is.Attempting to read more into this is just going to end up with hurting yourself. He gave you the reason. Accept it.


    Clearly you don't get it. Him not contacting you is about him, not you. He is the one with PTSD, right? You are the healthy one, not him. Does he mind read? How is he supposed to know that messaging you upsets you? You can block him. You can choose to not answer etc. Take some responsibility here.

    He is messing with your emotions. Again your just not getting this here. You need to read this thread: [DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread6023.htmlH[/DLMURL]

    As you can see, he is the one that is very ill. He is NOT doing this to you on purpose. He is NOT doing this to hurt you. Yes you hurt. Yes you feel bad. However, it does not compare to what this man is going through. Enough with the "I'm the victim" attitude. If you want to be involved with this man, give him space. If he contacts you, great. Don't start twisting it into it could mean this or it could mean that and he's doing this to hurt me. Your angry with no contact and your angry with contact. What makes you happy here?

    You need to realize he is very sick. You are not. You are not playing on the same field and you need to take responsibility for your feelings and not put that on him.

    bec
     
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