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I'm So Over It - Husband an Iraq Veteran

Discussion in 'Supporter Discussion' started by kguyton, Jan 9, 2007.

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  1. kguyton

    kguyton New Member

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    I am new here, and found this site a little too late - i'm afraid. (But I am still writing anyway) I have been married to my school sweetheart for two years now. We hadn't seen each other for 20 years, were each divorced and he found me close to our hometown. He was the love of my life back then- and I married him one year after we reunited.

    He told me that he had been to Iraq, had a parachuting accident, and was "damaged". I knew him when we were kids, and his family, and never dreamt it was something we couldn't overcome.

    However, we have been through suicidal tenancies, hospitalization as he was deemed a threat to himself or others, detox from a vicodin addiction only to be replaced with a raging pot addiction (all day every day), and I feel so angry now.

    I have been very supportive and patient - he is in a group therapy twice a month at the Vet Center - and needs to go to rehab then inpatient PTSD treatment which is like 4-5 months all together.

    We have a business together - but it wasn't working - so I took a job to ease the stress - and now I resent that he can't help me at all by remembering ANYTHING. He is totally numbed out, resents my constant nagging (brush your teeth, shave your face, call your son) The house, the car, nothing is clean or organized or maintained....and I am resentful too.

    His counselor asked me to write a letter explaining ouyr life - and he freaked! His family freaked! They are all - like this is very very bad.

    When will it get better? Will it get better? And will all of this be healed? His family told me, "You might have to be the bread winner" - how attractive is that? I can live better on my own!

    I know I married into this situation - and I have enabled him quite alot - by trying to minimize stress and problems by constantly reminding him of everything -but I am so confused. I feel like no matter which way I turn it will be unpleasant. I am so over it. Life shouldn't be this hard.
     
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  3. jods

    jods Well-Known Member

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    Hi kguyton

    I'm sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time at the moment.
    What are you doing for yourself, are you seeing a doc so you can unload what you're feeling. As much as we want to be there for our partners we must take time to look after ourselves. If we don't then it ain't pretty for us when we hit our wall too!
    I know it sucks seeing them like this but at the end of the day would you want to walk a mile in their shoes?
    Take care of yourself & know that you're not alone in dealing with all that PTSD can offer!
     
  4. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    First why did a counselor ask you write a letter of your life and it end up shared with him or family beyond the couselors office??? That is just a big no. Y'all should be able to keep this more personal with family.

    Why is being the bread winner so horrible for you? Men and women do it in exchanging roles everyday now, PTSD aside it is still so. Comes with that whole we can have a swim suit above our knees and vote. Even with this I was a breadwinner in the undiagnosed phase.

    Are you better off without him you or are you better off $$ wise without him?

    How do you think you have enabled him? In what way?

    It is good he is going to therapy and rehab is good too if it is required to go inpatient. But one thing you have to know and understand this is not a quick fix. PTSD does not go away. You learn to manage your symptoms and not knowing the extent of your case you could be the "bread winner" period. But he also may be able to heal enough in time to contribute. Don't think for a second it does not really bug him being unable to contribute. Hubs is up; I am going to poke him this way to post to yours. As again, I can just give the PTSD point of view.
     
  5. Jen

    Jen Well-Known Member

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    But he also may be able to heal enough in time to contribute. Don't think for a second it does not really bug him being unable to contribute.

    I read your post this morning Veiled. Hubby gets really frustrated with himself because he cant contribute to helping me with our business as much as he would want to. This frustration brings his stress level up then the IBS kicks in ( which seems to be an ongoing problem at the moment). It is a vicious circle at the moment. I tell him dont worry about it I can manage which I can ( I have to it is our livliehood!) I wish he would sit back and not stress.
    Jen
     
  6. hannah

    hannah Active Member

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    Hi K - equally sorry you re in turmoil but I understand where you are coming from and disagree with veiled - each situation is different and I have had to enlist family members as my husband was so aggresive to me and only me (other than boss) he was too much too handle on my own and reluctantly had to share the situation with others for my own sanity. dont like to admit this but even callled the cops one night in the sight of having him sectioned for emotional abuse ! god havnt admitted that yet. I love him more than I did 27 years ago but he was killing me with mental trauma.

    you have to assess your situation and deal with this monster the best you see fit ........
     
  7. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    Hannah, needing to talk with family is one thing, but things that go on with the therapist should stay there. When hubs brought home info shared with the doc to me it blew up big and ugly. There is a difference between going to family and friends for support and sharing personal therapy assignments unless the doc is telling you to share this info.

    Jen, it is so hard to sit back and not stress. Me, not stress? Just does not seem to fit in the same sentence. So I get why he can't. But just stepping out of your way may be very good for you instead of with our incredible "mucking it up" talents in the way! Good luck on that. Hubs would be better for advice on that one.

    My hubs saw me stay in the home not working outside it for 5 years. He has dealt with the worst of it for over a year and a half. I am still unable to "function" like normal people but I will go out on a limb and say he has seen me come around some and improve. But soon as I work on one issue another leaps out. But we both hope for me to get to a point I can handle working again. I think my pay check if it ever happens will go to putting the retirement PTSD care has sucked out back and not in daily expenses. I feel a lot of pressure (from me not him) to put the retirement back and build it up. It was my shape that made it *poof*.
     
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  8. Jen

    Jen Well-Known Member

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    Thanks Veiled you say you work on one issue another one jumps out?
    Hubby had been doing ok but decided after 10 months to go and talk to mechanic about getting his beloved ute back on the road its going to cost a bit but he is kicking himself that he shouldnt have got the work done on it in the first place. This decision was made earlier last year when he seemed to be be on a good place in his mind. before he crashed.

    So on top of that stress he has gone of his Panadeine Forte tablets painkillers which he has been popping for at least 6 years that I know off. So he is going through withdrawal at the moment. I really hope he gets through this rough patch his body is playing up a bit but I am really encouraging him to hang in there but he is doing it hard at the moment.
    Jen
     
  9. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    Jen, yeah, it is much like my life of another decides to be dealt with. I have had multiple traumas and they started as a toddler/baby from trying to be set ablaze to the last another rape. I know as I was told. Some things I know more through being told than I actually remember (repressed memory) Just lucky enough to keep finding it (not). So now I am trying to cope and adjust to processing it all. I do one at a time but it gets jacked up as one can seem to intertwine with the next and when it does that it is ugly as no break. My diary is a novel but public. Hubs does not go there as well, it is not something I am open with him yet fully. It will happen. He knows most. But it is public as he said he would stay out of diaries for me and not look at mine. I think a big step for me as I trust his word.

    Withdrawls... Oh how painful; I think my hubs can help you with that. I just thought I was dying period and clueless to what really happened in life. We have not done a cut in about a month but I was doing steady hits on it for 6 months once a week cutting (too much a cut was dangerous). If you have any withdrawl questions ask as I will point hubs here. He is busy playing my old role but has promised to me to at least look here once a day now and at least one post. Not like he does not have his hands full... But sometimes I have to take a large dose to keep me out of ER when I have a crash.
     
  10. Jen

    Jen Well-Known Member

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    Thanks Veiled I am going to ring his Doc today about it.
    Obviously his body is ridding itself of the codeine but if I can get something to make it a little bit bearable for him so he doesnt go back on to his painkillers thinking thats the easy way out.
    Jen
     
  11. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    Jen, my advice look to herbs. Like the simple chamomile tea. Withdrawals will hurt like a mother. No way out of it, like being pregnant and not round. Heating pads for bad aches, cold clothes for hot flashes, blankets for chills, a trash can lined close by for suprise I am puking suddenly now, and most important during withdrawals a gentle voice and hand. But he will have to go through the pain, no way around it. Just like our trauma we tried up, over under, and side ways... You just have to go through it. Hubs would have been here by now but he is busy running kids and the sort. Also he is a bit blunt like me to get it out now, he does not want to sound abrasive. Shit if he BSed me all the time (he does some) I would crown him :) So he is normally a straight shooter, he just does not want to jump in and shoot himself in the foot I think. Something I say has to provoke a post from him huh?
     
  12. Jen

    Jen Well-Known Member

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    Thanks Veiled I suppose a bit of TLC will help him with this actually I am quite proud of him for going of these tabs after such a long time.
    It gives me the shits that the Government make it so easy for them to become addicted like he can get 6 pkts of 24 tabs at a time for about $2 because he is on a pension and when he uses his yearly quota they just prescribe something else.:dontknow:
    Jen
     
  13. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    I just "adored" the docs for loading me down with highly addictive meds...
     
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