JessicaLee
New Here
Although it's been years, I still struggle to feel entitled to my pain. It sounds silly, but I attribute it to part of the stigma surrounding mental illness. In fact, I've started this post four times already and closed the tab. I'm more likely to respond to other people in support than ever talk about my own struggle.
For the better part of 5 years I endured strange and difficult situations. They were difficult alone or as a handful, but there were relentless, so they really beat me down. It took me a year and a half to fall into unrecognized depression, and I shrugged it off, because I was never physically harmed and I never experienced loss, so what did I have to be depressed about? It was a lot of emotional abuse from others, and it snowballed, with each situation adding to the weight. It involved stalkers, sexual harassment, restraining orders, legal battles, threats to ruin my career, bad relationships that I couldn't recognize as abusive until later, and being completely isolated from my family because of where I lived. I mean that's a really surface level description, but hopefully it gives people an idea of what I'm talking about. I took on responsibilities that required significant mental endurance, furthering my exhaustion, taking more and more from me. My best friend with a history of mental illness (that was severe) was the first person to say out loud that I'm depressed and I should get help.
So after living with depression and not feeling like I was allowed to be I finally walked into a doctors office and figured out I was dealing with major depression. It still took me six more months to get on antidepressants. Mind you, the entire time I was taking on more responsibility than I probably ever will. I was multitasking between graduate school, teacher credential training, and full-time teaching at about 75% of a teacher salary in one of the most expensive places to live.
I was very isolated and alone because of where I lived, and I didn't have any decent support. It made it that much worse when difficult situations would come my way because I had no one to count on. Before I started antidepressants I was so empty and lifeless. I would go to work, put on a good face and when I got home I get in bed until the next day when I would go to work. I had nothing inside me and my mom begged me on the phone to do something because she knew I was going to die if I didn't. Antidepressants helped a little bit. Unfortunately, my best friend had really developed a codependent relationship with me and I didn't know how influential she was, in a very negative way.
There were periods of good, very few, but I was a fighter so when I did have a win it was very empowering. Honestly, if I wasn't teaching I don't know that I would have had the strength to do it for so long. I really credit the kids for making me strong, because I could and would not EVER bring what was going on in my mind into the classroom. I did the "fake it til you make it" thing. I did make it. I saw a psychiatrist who tried prescribing other medications in addition to antidepressants, all of which seemed to do nothing. Even with a few wins along the way I wasn't getting better.
I hit rock bottom eventually, having some kind of a breakdown. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship but I didn't recognize until later and it did cause so much additional harm that it pushed me over the edge. The months that followed were absolutely horrible. Even though I could feel at that point, I felt extreme loss and worthlessness. I knew that I had to do something to change my circumstances, and it just hit me in the face one day that I was the only one keeping myself in my circumstances. No one was forcing me to live thousands of miles away from my family where I had no support, in a place that, by nature, would continue to cause pain. It was a relief to know that I was going home, so I went. I sold off my entire life, quit my job sooner than I would have liked to, and moved to my parents home where I could heal and recharge. I have not been depressed in a very long time. I wanted to go off antidepressants and I've been tapering for a while very successfully. It's been very slow, but the clarity that has returned to me is incredible. I'm really happy that I'm going off of the medications because I know I'm ready. The rest can be worked out through therapy.
This June it will make a year I've been home, and I've done everything in my power to move forward, but I'm stuck. The last couple years of my life haunt me. My anxiety has a lot of power over me, and I struggle to feel allowed to have posttraumatic stress. Once again it's that "Well I didn't have it too bad so I should be able to move forward." All of the horrible things that happened, when put in perspective seem minor, but I know that I should not compare my pain to others, especially to minimize my own feelings. It doesn't make it less real, it just stops me from helping myself. I don't trust other people and I give up on people very easily. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. People will disappoint me and hurt me so when they do I know I'm right so I pull back and isolate myself even further. The mental block I have is so powerful that I can't overcome even though I've overcome much harder things. I can barely leave the house, and I can't go on time. When I go to sleep, sometimes my anxiety holds me hostage, and the things that haunt me will just flash into my mind and it feels like being punched in the stomach. I have nightmares reaffirming how worthless I am. I can't bring myself to initiate the things I need to do to have a full life like reaching out to friends, family, doing anything that would resemble a normal life outside of being a recluse. I have to let go of what's left of those years and I can't on my own right now. I've always been so capable of rationalizing and understanding my experiences. In many ways I've been my own therapist and I've been very successful. But I don't seem to be able to let go of my pain. I can't rationalize it away because it's just the reality of life. I don't have unrealistic expectations or a skewed perspective. If anything, I understand it extremely well and it is just the way life goes. So at this point, I need to let it go. All of it. I need to be capable of having a normal life where I can leave my house, be social, and go to bed at night knowing that it was just a regular day. I don't know how to feel closure and the only thing I can think that would help is to start initiating a regular life because I think things will fall into place as I do move on. I don't feel like I'm allowed to be so traumatized. I am, but I don't feel like I should be. I don't know where to go from here. I don't have health insurance and I don't have the money to pay out-of-pocket for therapy. I reached out to a clinic that uses a sliding scale so therapy would be affordable. I called twice and they never returned my calls. It's not hard for me to give up, it's almost second nature at this point.
I really hope I can find the closure I need through some support here. Thank you for reading.
For the better part of 5 years I endured strange and difficult situations. They were difficult alone or as a handful, but there were relentless, so they really beat me down. It took me a year and a half to fall into unrecognized depression, and I shrugged it off, because I was never physically harmed and I never experienced loss, so what did I have to be depressed about? It was a lot of emotional abuse from others, and it snowballed, with each situation adding to the weight. It involved stalkers, sexual harassment, restraining orders, legal battles, threats to ruin my career, bad relationships that I couldn't recognize as abusive until later, and being completely isolated from my family because of where I lived. I mean that's a really surface level description, but hopefully it gives people an idea of what I'm talking about. I took on responsibilities that required significant mental endurance, furthering my exhaustion, taking more and more from me. My best friend with a history of mental illness (that was severe) was the first person to say out loud that I'm depressed and I should get help.
So after living with depression and not feeling like I was allowed to be I finally walked into a doctors office and figured out I was dealing with major depression. It still took me six more months to get on antidepressants. Mind you, the entire time I was taking on more responsibility than I probably ever will. I was multitasking between graduate school, teacher credential training, and full-time teaching at about 75% of a teacher salary in one of the most expensive places to live.
I was very isolated and alone because of where I lived, and I didn't have any decent support. It made it that much worse when difficult situations would come my way because I had no one to count on. Before I started antidepressants I was so empty and lifeless. I would go to work, put on a good face and when I got home I get in bed until the next day when I would go to work. I had nothing inside me and my mom begged me on the phone to do something because she knew I was going to die if I didn't. Antidepressants helped a little bit. Unfortunately, my best friend had really developed a codependent relationship with me and I didn't know how influential she was, in a very negative way.
There were periods of good, very few, but I was a fighter so when I did have a win it was very empowering. Honestly, if I wasn't teaching I don't know that I would have had the strength to do it for so long. I really credit the kids for making me strong, because I could and would not EVER bring what was going on in my mind into the classroom. I did the "fake it til you make it" thing. I did make it. I saw a psychiatrist who tried prescribing other medications in addition to antidepressants, all of which seemed to do nothing. Even with a few wins along the way I wasn't getting better.
I hit rock bottom eventually, having some kind of a breakdown. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship but I didn't recognize until later and it did cause so much additional harm that it pushed me over the edge. The months that followed were absolutely horrible. Even though I could feel at that point, I felt extreme loss and worthlessness. I knew that I had to do something to change my circumstances, and it just hit me in the face one day that I was the only one keeping myself in my circumstances. No one was forcing me to live thousands of miles away from my family where I had no support, in a place that, by nature, would continue to cause pain. It was a relief to know that I was going home, so I went. I sold off my entire life, quit my job sooner than I would have liked to, and moved to my parents home where I could heal and recharge. I have not been depressed in a very long time. I wanted to go off antidepressants and I've been tapering for a while very successfully. It's been very slow, but the clarity that has returned to me is incredible. I'm really happy that I'm going off of the medications because I know I'm ready. The rest can be worked out through therapy.
This June it will make a year I've been home, and I've done everything in my power to move forward, but I'm stuck. The last couple years of my life haunt me. My anxiety has a lot of power over me, and I struggle to feel allowed to have posttraumatic stress. Once again it's that "Well I didn't have it too bad so I should be able to move forward." All of the horrible things that happened, when put in perspective seem minor, but I know that I should not compare my pain to others, especially to minimize my own feelings. It doesn't make it less real, it just stops me from helping myself. I don't trust other people and I give up on people very easily. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. People will disappoint me and hurt me so when they do I know I'm right so I pull back and isolate myself even further. The mental block I have is so powerful that I can't overcome even though I've overcome much harder things. I can barely leave the house, and I can't go on time. When I go to sleep, sometimes my anxiety holds me hostage, and the things that haunt me will just flash into my mind and it feels like being punched in the stomach. I have nightmares reaffirming how worthless I am. I can't bring myself to initiate the things I need to do to have a full life like reaching out to friends, family, doing anything that would resemble a normal life outside of being a recluse. I have to let go of what's left of those years and I can't on my own right now. I've always been so capable of rationalizing and understanding my experiences. In many ways I've been my own therapist and I've been very successful. But I don't seem to be able to let go of my pain. I can't rationalize it away because it's just the reality of life. I don't have unrealistic expectations or a skewed perspective. If anything, I understand it extremely well and it is just the way life goes. So at this point, I need to let it go. All of it. I need to be capable of having a normal life where I can leave my house, be social, and go to bed at night knowing that it was just a regular day. I don't know how to feel closure and the only thing I can think that would help is to start initiating a regular life because I think things will fall into place as I do move on. I don't feel like I'm allowed to be so traumatized. I am, but I don't feel like I should be. I don't know where to go from here. I don't have health insurance and I don't have the money to pay out-of-pocket for therapy. I reached out to a clinic that uses a sliding scale so therapy would be affordable. I called twice and they never returned my calls. It's not hard for me to give up, it's almost second nature at this point.
I really hope I can find the closure I need through some support here. Thank you for reading.