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Imagine

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My ideal mom as a child - she took the form of an angel. In my dreams she was always smiling and warm. I can still imagine her. She would hold my hand when we walked never leaving my side. She would take me for ice cream and ask me what my dreams are and she would never laugh. She'd let me lay my head on her lap while she stroked my hair telling me stories until I fell asleep. She'd hold me when I was scared and rock me until I calmed down. She would teach me things like how to do my hair and feel good about myself. She would remind me all of the time that I was smart and pretty building my confidence for years to come. She would tell me I could do anything and be anything that I am good and loveable. She would never once threaten to tell my father or humiliate me. Her arms are always there to hug me when I cry and tell me it will all be OK. She'd never be violent, bitter or hateful. She'd love me and tell me all the time how lucky she is to have me as her daughter. If I made a mistake or did something wrong she would correct me not with torture or humiliation but with a stern loving gentle punishment. She would never tell me to go away or to get away from her, she'd always be there for me.
My ideal mom as an abused child - she never would have let any of it happen.

My ideal mom as a teen - involved in my life. Invested in my life by helping me with school and socially. She would pay attention to me and push me along in a positive direction. She would bring me shopping and make me feel good about myself. She'd teach me about makeup and taking care of myself. She'd be a mom I could run home to and tell anything. She'd be the mom I could go to for help when the very bad things happened. She'd dress my wounds and clean me up then take me for help.

As an adult obviously the ideal mom has changed a little bit but will always be an extension of the angel I created in my mind and heart. We'd go out to lunch and have talks. I could confide in her and she would still hold my hand in comfort. She would be the type of mom I would never have trouble picking a card out for or buying a gift for. We would take trips together and enjoy shopping with one another. I would never shiver when hearing her voice or be scared of the next words that came out of her mouth. She would look at me and tell me how proud she is of me and she could never ask for a better daughter. She would listen to me when I had problems and give me advice to help me solve issues that would arise. She'd be the mom I could pick up the phone and cry too or just call to say I love you.

Ok that is all I can get out - more than I thought I would say.
Maybe it all sounds silly...I don't know but growing up it kept me alive imagining a mom like the angel above.

@Snowflake what about you?

~L
 
@Lotis i will respond today. It's a tough question. My therapist asked me in session today and my eyes watered up and I started to cry. I couldn't answer it.

We will be talking about it again in Monday's session.

@Lotis -your response was amazing, well written, beautiful and perfect.

@DissociativeBelle -I agree it's not an easy question. What's one thing?
 
Hmmm this is difficult-

I want a mom that loves me, protects me, supports me, listens to me.

As a child I wanted a mom to consol me when I was hurt or scared -a mom that didn't let anyone touch me, a mom that didn't touch me. I wanted a mom that didn't hit me, call me names, chase me around with boobs out -I wanted a mom that I was excited to see and talk to. A mom that I wasn't scared of. A mom that wanted me instead of a boy. A mom that didn't kill my pets for not complying. A mom that taught me things, that praised me. That truly loved me.
 
My ideal mom as a child - she took the form of an angel. In my dreams she was always smiling and warm. I...
I am so touched by this - it brought immediate tears, I'm now sobbing like a child. I'm a man now (43) but this spoke to me.. my mother is a sociopath - I just wanted to be loved, cared for. While homeless at 15 I caught her at her home (shortly before moving away without telling me or leaving any contact info - not that I had any means of reaching her unless I used someone's phone somewhere - only pay phones and land lines back then) and finally got the courage to ask her a question I wanted to ask her as far back as I could remember (what did I have to lose aside from my self respect?) and asked her - we were in a quiet room, her bedroom, with no distractions, no noise other than the sound of my pathetic voice trying to see an emotion or reaction - any sign of caring for me in my dirty clothes and rumbling stomach - she ignored everything else I had to say until I asked her "don't you care that I am homeless? It hurt me when the police found me sleeping in the park and brought me home to you and you told him "I don't want him"... Mom.. the way you act towards me.. for as long as I can remember - it seems like.. I mean, it is like you don't even love me.." she seemed like she may still continue to ignore me, but she stopped fiddling with her ppwk, and began walking back towards me as I was sitting on the bed - then I followed with "..do you?" she calmly sat down beside me, finally looked at me in the eye, she was now only a foot away from my face, and said while shaking her head, without expression "No." Again now we both say in silence. My keen instincts confirmed - and I just got up and walked back out the door where the street was there faithfully and without fail was there for me, welcomed me in a cold embrace that made me feel better than she did.. God bless your tender loving heart for your incredible strength in posting this - these were my dreams/hopes/wishes also for a mother or the father that was missing and the abusive step father she married and encouraged as he abused me on daily basis. Thank you again for posting and I'm sorry if I sound scattered or creepy or sound self absorbed by my replying. I just yesterday found courage to share my feelings after discovering this site, and finally opening up about my life experiences, and actually sharing with the world. But this post realllllly moved me. Thank you, friend in pain. I pray you feel the warmth you have been searching for..!!
 
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