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Implode Or Explode?

Discussion in 'Dysregulation' started by anthony, Apr 8, 2006.

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  1. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    That is how I feel at the moment, though I'm not sure which one. I was going to post this in the hidden area for those with PTSD only, but the world needs to know what goes on with PTSD, and the crap happening inside us.

    My mind doesn't know whether I need to shutdown and implode, or explode in rage and anger at the moment. I know that explode is definately not the best thing, but neither is implode into a mess.

    For the last week I have constantly thought, is it really worth going through this shit for the rest of my life... the traumas that are within, the things within the world that have affected me so much to give me this illness. I feel like I am constantly fighting myself internally whether to stay or go from this world.

    My family is walking around me at the moment because I am struggling with life, and that is a repercusion of what we with PTSD live with daily, and our families. I don't know whether I am going insane or just crazy at times. With the tools, techniques and information I know about PTSD, and it still tears me apart at times.

    It frustrates me more when someone says "go see a counsellor"... like dur, I know what I have to do, and it has nothing to do with a counsellor, it has to do with getting it out of me in the right way, and not the wrong. I know what is right and wrong, but I feel like PTSD just completely turfs everything I know... something like putting it in a blender and forcing me to reconstruct everything I have just been working on within myself for the past months. It feels like a never ending battle to survive.

    This is me at the moment... and I am a bit of a mess, though trying to keep it together. I know that within myself, if I didn't have so many responsibilities around here, I would most likely check myself into a hospital for a while, to help me lower my stress levels and burdens... just to ground myself and get back with the program, being life.

    I try to be strong most of the time, to run this place and help others from bouncing off the walls, taking their lives, beating people in anger outbursts and so forth... but at the moment I feel like I'm right back to square one. Actually, I think everytime PTSD really gets a hold of me I go back to square one, start again. I feel like my life rotates around that storyline.

    This makes me always think about what I have said here before, in that "I would never wish this upon my worst enemies", thats how bad I believe PTSD is to live with. Doctors, counsellors, social workers and PTSD support persons, none of which can truly help me, as I have seen them all, and gotten everything that initially needed to be said off my chest, but now the same feelings just keep returning, pulling me apart both in mind and body. The physical side effects of PTSD suck... I am sick, worn out, exhausted and mentally just broken down.

    The thing is, is that when you know about the illness, are well educated on it, know the tools to use and techniques to use during these bad times, they still fail because the disorder is stronger than all these things... it is like going into a gun fight with a stick, each and everytime PTSD rears its ugly head in full flight, it consumes and takes over us.

    I know a doctor is just going to medicate me again, which is great during the initial stages when you don't know how to control this madness (highly recommended actually), but it does nothing for me now, as even when medicated, I still get the same strength affects inside me... and even the time between them is the same, medicated or not. I know that the only way to get past this is get it out of me, lye it on the table (or this forum so to speak) so that I am somewhat normal by the end of this.

    I am actually getting there now... but I know this won't last long. I really wish I never had this crap... and I definately wish everyone here didn't, cause this stuff is really quite consuming of us!

    I am listening to music, trying to get my shit together... but there is just so much general life stuff that is hard to deal with. Getting out of bed this morning was a struggle, let alone getting through the days. This network is just a hobby, and some parts of it consume so much of me that I get stressed, even though I have scaled so much of it down over the past year to run more without my input... going to the toilet is a challenge at the moment... how sad is that!

    I've had a conversation away from the general public, where I said I probably need to just breakdown and cry... as I haven't since my brother died many years ago... but I know that would only be a short relief of the pain and frustration that builds within me.

    PTSD is such an eye opener every day... something which I assimilate to people who comment on it without the illness, "is that they will never know, or even come close to knowing, unless they have it", and I stand by that every day. I know this is why we with PTSD all assimilate with each other far better than general society, our family and friends, because none of them truly understand the pulling and pushing we suffer 24/7 inside us. Just having my wife calling me for general things I know need to be done, but I just don't want to be called... frustrates the hell out of me, but I know its not a normal response. What is normal now I don't really know.

    Well, I have been and had a smoke, and feel a little better getting some of this out of me. See how long it lasts I guess.
     
    TXbandit likes this.
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  3. piglet

    piglet Well-Known Member

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    I hate that I understand all that you just said. But, I do know one thing, and that is that the bad times ALWAYS pass. It just seems like they're going to last forever. I think this is one of the scariest, loneliest, saddest and hardest things about ptsd - the struggle to find some faith or hope or just something to keep you going when you really really feel like ending it all.

    As for the crying thing. I rarely cry. I can sometimes cry for someone else's loss or hardship, but I can't cry for me. I think that maybe I'll lose it altogether and I'll get carted off to some asylum somewhere. Sometimes I think that's not such a bad idea, but I would miss my dog - although, if they let me take her with me, I might consider going.........
     
    TXbandit likes this.
  4. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Yer, its quite annoying sometimes when I read things here, and just go "oh my god... thats me all over" and having to realize it, then face another challenge.

    Geez I feel bette this morning though getting some of this of my chest. Until the next time I guess, when everything builds up to nearly burst.
     
  5. piglet

    piglet Well-Known Member

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    Glad to hear it! Not too bad myself today, despite a shit night, but the sun is shining....:)
     
  6. YoungAndAngry

    YoungAndAngry Well-Known Member

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    I hate to repeat what piglet was saying... but OMG... you have basically described my thoughts over the last couple of months. It seems like you can't think past that moment... tomarrow doesn't even exist. Hell, sometimes I don't even have the energy to change the channel on the TV

    And then I'll have good days... where everything is great.

    It's messed up, I know.

    The hospital part is what scares me... deep down inside, I would love to be put in the hospital (no worries, no daily demands) but I'm so afraid of what everyone would think. I think talking it out helps alot
     
  7. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    I know what your saying with the hospital... I have a little bub, wife at work, and well... if I needed to go into hospital, I probably couldn't anyway, with responsibilities around here. I think that is what the hospital would do, in that illeviate alot of the stress immediately by not having to cope with normal everyday demands... but saying that, these are the things we need to cope with and not hide from, thus helping us to move along in the world and live a semi-normal life.

    It frustrates the hell out of me daily, as it does everyone with PTSD I believe. Sometimes we just need to get things out, and that is our way to make us a little better. I feel great today after releasing that here (the first post)... top of the world today.

    Sometimes just reading things here can trigger me, and make me a little moody, but all in all, it is definately for the better and to make us all stronger, better people...
     
  8. YoungAndAngry

    YoungAndAngry Well-Known Member

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    I was only recently diagnosed (December 2005), and I must say that this illness has been the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with. On bad days I spend hours googling PTSD trying to find answers and coping stragtegies.

    How long have you been dealing with PTSD?
     
  9. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    I've had it since about 1999... that was about the time I went of the rails. I have only sought help since 2003, when my wife forced me too. It is from that point I wanted answers, because I never did like doctors, nor the theory that always gets thrown at a person, instead of experience... ie. they don't have PTSD, so how the hell would they know what I am going through. Saying that though, doctors definately are needed in the early stages, and possibly during your lifetime at points when things really go to shit, and they will really go to shit at points.

    Once your at a level to accept what is happening, that is the point at which you can begin to seek the proper help from such learning resources as attending the PTSD Course, or PTSD groups and so forth. The good thing is, is that your here, so you've obviously gotten past the denial, and now into the learning and how to cope and manage what you have. That is a really good thing, knowing from my own experience thus far. You should give yourself a pat on the back young&angry, cause your on your long road to living a better life than that if you remained in denial about the problem, and suppressed the problems at hand.
     
  10. YoungAndAngry

    YoungAndAngry Well-Known Member

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    Wow, I'm so sorry to hear "7 years" anthony... I couldn't even imagine.


    Avoidance had been my coping strategy... pretty much locked myself in my house, didn't want to accept what had really happened. Doctors have basically replaced my social life.

    That's why I'm so happy to have found this forum, it gives me somewhere to talk with others (who actually know what I'm going through) where I don't feel like they are analyzing or pitying me.

    You mentioned courses I could be taking, I'll definatly ask my counselor about that on Friday.

    At the beginning, I refused to take "medication", I basically denied the fact that I actually had a "real" condition. But it's been about 2 months on Effexor... it does seem to help me manage my outbursts, kinda
     
  11. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Good to hear mate that your being proactive and accepting the problem. It is managable, just not curable. Damn it! Lexapro is another good one for PTSD specifically, as it isn't a anti-depressant as such, more a drug to balance the chemical reaction between the right and left brain, which is the stem of the problem with PTSD. The right and left brain achieves a chemical imbalance... though these drugs don't entirely fix the problem, they are certainly good to have around during the initial stages and then when life falls apart.

    Courses, oh yer. VVCS offer many courses to help get us back into the scheme of reality, from lifestyle, to relationship to the actual PTSD course. You can find the [DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/announcement10.html"]national PTSD courses[/DLMURL] on this forum.

    I know what your saying with the "analysis and pity" from others... I hate that crap. I don't tell most people I know that I even have PTSD, for that exact reason. I have told people before, and they tend to treat me differently then... pity me as such, which pisses me right off. For the most part, we are the same as everyone else, and you wouldn't know a person has PTSD to look at them... its only when you get to know them and see them in more personal circumstances you find out.

    If people ask, I will tell them, but I don't make a topic off it myself. It sucks when you know people view you differently because of PTSD.
     
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2015
  12. YoungAndAngry

    YoungAndAngry Well-Known Member

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    I only told my parents about my PTSD when I had to take a medical leave from college. My brothers still don't even know, I don't know if I ever will tell them, I just don't want to "tarnish" myself in their eyes, I guess. and I don't want anyone else acting weird around me.

    Being fairly new to PTSD, I'm still learning about the medication options, I'll research Lexapro because my current medication (which is a mixture of anti-depressants/anti-anxiety) seems to take the edge off... but... I just think there must be more relief available. I just want to beg my Doc to give me something for a much-needed drug induced zombie state, (come on Doc... just for 1 day... 1 day of sanity) but I know it would be just avoiding the problem.
     
  13. JennaB

    JennaB I'm a VIP Premium Member

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    I'm really sorry to resurrect such an old thread anthony, but I'm glad I found it. It has helped me so much to actually read and be able to relate to what you were feeling and struggling with at the time.

    You really seem to have your shit together now, so to find this, where you were kind of lost in your head, makes me feel so much better about myself. I have said many of the same things myself and have felt the same way too.

    You have told me a few times to just accept it and not fight it, now I understand why you say that. And it's great to see that things do get better with time and hard work.
     
    James B. likes this.
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