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Relationship In Love With Ptsd Suffering Army Vet And Very, Very Confused...

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Celia82

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Whoa.. this is so amazing. This is my first time on this forum and I can recognize SO many things, from the concern when he disappears, the intensity when he is there, the respect for and wish to help with his struggle... please excuse a long post. Never had anyone to talk to about this.

My problem is, that I am madly in love with an army vet, who suffers from ptsd and anxiety. I shouldn't be, because he is married. His marriage is rather new and has never been very happy - he had only known his wife for a year when we met - and according to him she has had several affairs and generally treats him very badly, starting arguments, very controlling etc. He got his ptsd diagnose shortly after the married, and she sort of never opted for a life with a ptsd suffering vet, you can say. But I have no wish or intentions of breaking up a home. It really wasn't intentional that I fell in love with him.

He fell in love with me too, very much so, it seems. We met through volunteer work, we were both involved in and it happened the first second we saw each other. We never acted on it, of course – I don't cheat and neither does he, but we talked, and there was no point in denying the very strong feelings we had for each other.

We met a little over two years ago and became very close very fast, talking and texting and so on. Very big words about being soul mates etc. He asked me again and again if I would be with him if he left his wife, but after half a year I ended it, because of a lot of rational reasons - he is in treatment and struggling, but very hard-hit from his PTSD/anxiety, and we both felt it wouldn't be the right time for him to make big changes in his life. And of course it wasn't fair to his wife either. I am well aware that many of the members in here a strong, loving wifes of ptsd sufferers, who put up with the most insane things for the one they love.. and no matter how "my" sufferer describes his relationship, of course it is only his side of it. If he wants to end his marriage it should be because it doesn't work, not because of me.

So I ended it, and I think that was a huge breach of trust for him, and we didn't speak for half a year. A time during which he (I later found out) got much worse and I was going to pieces missing him so badly every second of the day.

Then a year ago we met again through work, and my feelings were absolutely the same. I have always had a very rational approach to life, but I started to realize that this might be something breaking the boundaries of rationality. Two years is a long time, and I have not had a single second awake since we met first, where I have not thought about him. I love him so, so much - deeper and stronger than anything I have ever felt before.

He has changed, however. When we met again he insisted his feelings are the same, but he doesn't confide to me in the way that he used to (he used to text or call my many times a day, and always when he was feeling bad). And no wonder, since I told him to share those thoughts with his wife instead.

Problem is, he doesn't. He doesn't share them with anyone. And I hear from our mutual friends that he is isolating and feeling very, very bad, talking about wanting to divorce etc. He has been hospitalized with panic attacks a few times too.

I last heard from him a month ago, when I told him I was there for him if he needed me, and that he should contact me if he wanted me in his life.

We agreed long time ago that if he needed to feel my closeness, but didn't have the energy to talk, he could always just text me a <3. So today I saw he was online on social media for the first time in a moth and sent him a <3 and got the same back.

So my question now is - what to do?? I know very well that all rational thought tells me to stay far away and let him solve his problems with his wife. That the intensity of our romance as well as the problems in his marriage are most likely due to the ptsd, and that we would have the same problems if we had a relationship that became every day life. And I really don't want to encourage big changes in his life, that he can't handle.

Only problem is, I just can't get over him. I love him so, so much. I cannot bear the thought of him feeling left and alone. I have seen his depression and his panic attacks and I know what I would be opting for... He has ptsd, but he is also a good, kind-hearted, intelligent and strong man, and there is nothing in the world that I want more than to be close to him, to hold him through his nightmares, to empower him through his struggle and love him through his life. I want to be there for him in what he is going through.

But should I tell him that? Or should I give him space and let him come to me? Maybe he is feeling too burned to dare to let me in close again – maybe he is simply over me – maybe he is feeling too bad to have room for anyone at all in his life.

What is your experience? And especially for those of you suffering from ptsd; what you prefer in this situation? I know I'm being selfish in missing him, but I want nothing but the best for him.
 
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Its very easy for people to blame problems in their life on their relationship. It so easy to think 'if I was with someone who understood me all my problems would go away". His PTSD will not go away if he leaves his wife. It won't go away if he starts a relationship with you. I bet his wife has seen the ugly side of his PTSD up close. I doubt you've seen more than a glimpse of its shadow.

I would let him know that you are not prepared to be part of his life unless and until he leaves his wife. If he does - then you two can find out if a relationship would work. If he doesn't - stay away from him. Sending a married man love hearts is not appropriate - PTSD or not.
 
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