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Sufferer Introduction - Looking For Ways To Manage Anxiety

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BSM

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Hey.
My name is Brittany and I'm 21 years old. I was sexually abused multiple times between the ages 4-6. I actually can't even believe I'm here right now typing this. I've come a long way, like most of us have. The point of these forum sites is so we don't feel 'alone' and we have some extra support (which I desperately need at this point in my life). But the reason I've never reached out, the reason I've never tried to help people who've been through what I've been through or one of the reasons I don't really talk about it much is because I AM A SURVIVOR. To the fullest. And there are many out there who sadly didn't survive. Or are on a much harder, longer road. I've read stories and listened to other victims and my heart just sinks. I could only imagine their pain. I know I am far from alone. But for some reason in my life I have this issue where I try to be (and show the world) how incredibly tough I am. If you talked to any of my family, or even my husband, they will tell you how strong of a person I am. But I'm finally starting to admit to myself that I'm not. I need to break down. I feel weak on the inside but won't let it out because I feel like I'm almost not allowed to.

SO me coming a long way started out with dealing with the issue first. The police, the court, the trial, all that. I couldn't even tell you how extremely vivid all of 'those' memories are, even the sexual abuse ones. Then I went through over 7 years of therapy, which I believe helped me tremendously. But since then my life has been pretty rocky with my family and my home life. I have parents that do love me don't get me wrong, but I think everyone suffered their own way when this disaster hit. Being a parent myself I could not even imagine the pain to know someone hurt my child. I'm sure it did a mental number to my entire family's minds as well as mine. So because of this and because everyone went their own way, so did I. Its a great thing, I'm so thankful to everything that happened to me (yes, everything) because it's made me who I am today. I'm independent, smart, logical, and am definitely strong. But like most I have my ups and then I have my far, far downs.

I have PTSD, anxiety and depression. From my perspective all that means is my actions day to day is effected by my past. But to actually live with it, is just awful. I can't even get into details but here are a few examples: I have to check behind the shower curtain every time I go to the bathroom, as well in the car before I drive. I freak out in huge crowds, and around almost all men I feel 'uncomfortable' with. If I even thought for a second someone was following me, I wouldn't hesitate to walk into a police station even if I looked like a nut job. I am constantly living with the fear that I'll be attacked or raped.

Luckily, I found a really great husband and have a beautiful, healthy baby boy (15 months old). I really just want to love life and be happy, but when my depression sinks in I just feel like everything sucks. Due to our financially situation we haven't really been on our own and its killing me. We've tried over and over for the past 3 years and everytime it blows up in our face. This time, I have just effing had it. I just want to curl in a ball and cry. I'm want to be a good mom, I love my son so much but I need to start my healing process, or I need to get close to a finish line. I can't live my life this way anymore.

Therapy is awesome, but at this point in my life (more crap I don't feel like typing) it's not possible. Which is fine because I've gone through so much I pretty much know the gist of what they will say to me. Here's the thing; breathing, meditation, calmness and all that bullcrap doesn't work. I CANNOT calm myself down. And I struggled with this for so long, until I finally admitted to myself that that's what anxiety is. It is literally a chemical imbalance in your brain which is why I cannot control it. I try to be this strong woman and control everything because a part of me believes that it's still possible but only when I admit that it is impossible and there is a reason I cannot do this is when I feel better about myself. But it still doesn't help my problem.

Yes I'm on medication. I've heard of at least 20 different names of different prescriptions from at least 10 different doctors. And a couple of them I've actually tried. I don't like medicine even though I know it helps control the imbalance in my brain. I just want to do it on my own (even though admitting I can't is half the battle). I don't want to be on meds my whole life. I want to have more children someday and just live normally, except I'm not normal at all. I guess I just want happiness. I want to stop being so anxious and worried, and I want to stop all the bad thoughts. I'm recently (like within the past few days) realizing I need to face what happened to me 17 years ago to deal with my current issues. A lot easier said than done.

So I don't really know what I'm trying to accomplish here. I type a lot maybe I just need to talk. Maybe I need to know there is an end to all of this crap emotions I'm going through. I just want to be DONE with all of this so I can start living my damn life. I'm frustrated and am definitely at the end of my extremely long rope. I don't know how much further down I can go down.
 
Welcome!

You know, our culture tends to tell us that breaking down, falling apart, and so on is a disaster, a bad thing, and and end of something. In reality, that's just mythology. Falling apart is the beginning of the healing process, especially if it includes therapy and support.

Falling apart, breaking down, cracking up is like a door opening to a better place. The glass is half full.
 
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Thank you guys very much. After talking to my husband we decided therapy really is the only way I'll be able to start healing. I'm not sure where to go from here (after thinking I knew what I was doing for the past 15 years) so I need to talk to someone who can guide me. It's just such a process to find a good therapist, and our schedule/money just makes it impossible and exhausting. But it's the only way and I know and it'll pay off in the end. I'm going to reach out as much as I can. I went through all the phases of healing (regret, sorrow, unfairness, angry, then accepting, then angry again, ect.) but I never talked about it. I never shared my experiences. Why would I ever want to? But maybe my emotions stay bottled because my memories do.

Thank you guys again I'll be looking forward to getting to know everyone :hug:
 
Therapy with a psychologist or someone with training in "talking" therapy is critical. Some of us are also taking prescription medication, but *my* personal belief is to let your talking therapist recommend that if they think it would help. Remember, they work for you.

Choosing a therapist is hard. A lot of us have had bad experiences. My recommendation is to set up sessions with a few, after you've checked out their credentials online. Then you can reject the ones where the chemistry isn't there.

Talking is crucial. Why? Because that's how your traumatic experience gets put on the table so to speak and then you can begin integrating it in normal memory, the way you understand other events in your life. Traumatic memories get stuck in another place in your brain and affect how you react to everything. Talking it out allows your brain to process things in a safe environment.

Check the Articles section of the forum for some great material there. Also check the books section. There are lots of books on the market that can help, a lot.
 
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Thank you! I've never even thought to research PTSD (trust me I google everything so it's surprising I haven't) and maybe it's because I'm scared or subconsciously didn't want to face it. Either way what you said about memories makes a lot of sense, I'll definitely check out those articles :)
 
Welcome. I recognise so much of myself in your post.

I also am new to this forum, but it is really helping me. Wishing you the best.
 
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Hi BSM,

Welcome to the forum! :)

Certain types of therapy can help a person figure out things about themselves, find tools for controlling or relieving symptoms, but ultimately therapy should provide the tools and the framework a person needs to get to the root of this disorder and deal effectively with the trauma and its results. Exposure therapy and dialectic behavior therapy can help with anxiety and you may want to check them out. EMDR is another type of therapy that many find helpful.

Debbie
 
Certain types of therapy can help a person Exposure therapy and dialectic behavior therapy can help with anxiety and you may want to check them out. EMDR is another type of therapy that many find helpful.

Thank you I didn't even know there were different types of therapy. I thought there was just physiologist and therapists. I'll have to google "exposure therapy" and "dialectic behavior therapy" ....I'll definitely check that out thank you! :)
 
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