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Innocent Memory and Then Boom

Discussion in 'General' started by HereIam, Apr 9, 2007.

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  1. HereIam

    HereIam New Member

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    For the last three weeks or so something has really been nagging my brain. Dragging me further and further into the spiral of my PTSD symptoms. I have written and even re-read previous memories hoping to find something more or dig deeper. Something to explain what is going on. The practice hasn't made me feel any better but not all the noticably worse. Then my therapist told me to write any memory no matter how innocent it seemed to me.

    Last night I finally wrote about a vague, seemingly innocent memory that has been popping up over the weeks - and I wrote, and I wrote and other things started to suddenly make sense. Other memories wove in. Timelines were suddenly filled in with missing info. I even found the trigger to this latest onset of symptoms two years ago.

    My body is vibrating from the stress, from the cortisone flowing through my system. I couldn't sleep last night. I prayed and prayed to just let me fall asleep. I couldn't take any sleeping pills as I have young children and have to get up with them in the morning. Every noise I heard I jolted. I just knew that because I finally realized all this that the person it was about was going to come for me now. Somehow he knows that I know.

    This morning in the light I am actually a little excited to find the center of my sprial. The place where so many things finally make sense. But at the same time my anxiety is bouncing all over the place. I don't want to self-harm, something totally different from any memory before. But, I do want to climb in my car and go harm someone else. Someone that at sometime actually had his nasty, dirty hands on my very own children. Thankfully never out of my sight - because I never ever could allow that and now I know why.

    I see my therapist in about two hours. I have to talk through this...
    I have to bring it out.

    Peace
     
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  3. Monarch

    Monarch I'm a VIP Premium Member

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    bringing it out

    It is hard to bring it out, hard to write down those memories, don't go too fast. I learned that the hard way, just breathe. I went too fast with things and spiraled out of control, ended up in the psych. ward after trying to step in front of a light rail train downtown. Try to calm it down and think about one thing at a time. The self harm thing is hard, I struggle with that and I can't tell you not the cut, it kept me from doing far worse things at times and it was the only thing I could control. I feel for you, memories and flashbacks are hard, dealing with them in therapy is harder but it does get better. Are you are medication? Paxel has worked great for me, my family life has done a 180 since I started taking it.
     
  4. HereIam

    HereIam New Member

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    It is not the act of writing the memories that is so difficult for me. Some have more of an affect on me, which means that is where I have work to do. I have a 20+ page document on my computer in which I am working to recapture my childhood. Not just the negative, but also the good things. There were so many blanks when I started at 19. Suddenly I was 19, crazy as a loon, with no childhood.

    This was a memory that was trying to come out for three weeks, and for whatever reason I kept pushing it aside. It dealt with someone that my family is having a real problem with now for many different reasons - and it seemed innocent at first glance. It was when I wrote it down, and then another one came and another one. Every single one by itself was not a bad or emotive memory. But, when I connected all the dots it was a biggie.

    I think the extreme response I am having is that it shifts my entire timeline (where did this all begin) ahead 3 years. It is also causing me a big sudden cognitive shift in my thinking around the abuse, because it is the first trauma I am actually not taking part of the blame in. Yes, much to my therapist's dismay I am still working on not taking blame for being sexually abused when I was six.

    I had an hour-and-a-half session with my therapist today. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. I'm finally at the point that I feel I need some sort of anti-anxiety medication, at least temporarily. I'm not a drug person when it comes to me. I popped enough pills as a teenager in trying to self-medicate. I've also tried several different anxiety and depression drugs over the years with not great results, and some horrible ones. This is kind of a big step for me to stand up and say I can't handle the physical aspects by myself anymore. I'll go back to see my therapist on Wednesday for a follow-up.

    Thanks for just being a place I can write this all out.
     
  5. Monarch

    Monarch I'm a VIP Premium Member

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    medication

    I too had a tough time with wanting to be on medication, I did enough drugs in my past that I didn't want to start that cycle again. Let me tell you though, I have been on Paxil for almost a year and it has probably saved my life. It just helps clear out all the junk so I am not so foggy and full of anxiety all the time. Now I have a easier time focusing and staying even, I don't fly off the handle as often and I can focus on working on my issues and really learning about myself versus just trying to make it through the day. It does take about 2 months to fully start working though so at first I had to use Xanex to help with the hard times.

    I too write down my memories or as I call it " my life story", I have about 36 pages right now. I don't have many memories before the age of 10 but I think it is because I am trying to protect myself right now and that is OK. Once I am able to understand my symptoms and go back into the past in a controlled manner we (my therapist and I) will dig into that together. What I am trying to say is don't rush it, deal with the present situations and get yourself in a good place, then work on learning more about your past.

    Just a suggestion.
     
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