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Intense Session- Now I Just Want To Sleep

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Today's therapy session has wiped me out. Of course I haven't been sleeping much anyway lately, but now I feel like I could sleep for days and days. I am so exhausted.

My therapist said that not a lot was said during my session (I have DID so I wasn't completely present for the whole session), but we both agreed that something big was happening. A newer part came out to play a game and talked a little. She talked about not liking trees, but I do not know why- I will have to ask my therapist is there's an explanation for that. Then, she switched to the other child who said something about "not a pretty girl" and was apparently re-living the trauma.

When the feelings became too intense, the part that holds the feelings came out. She scratched to the point where I was bleeding. She tried to work with my therapist to stop. She calmed and then the feelings came back. She apparently started shaking.

When I came back, I could not get the room into focus. I cannot describe the feelings that I had. I thought I was going to be trapped in that state forever. But I made it to the bathroom and eventually out to my car, but I got lost along the way (in my mind, not literally). My therapist said that my angry one tried to come out to drive. Apparently she is 17. My therapist convinced her that it would be better if I drove home. I think that I didn't make it to the car because as we were leaving, my therapist said "Say good-bye to this office" because she's moving offices over the weekend. I have done well not freaking out too much about that until she made that comment. It seemed so silly that I couldn't tell her why I freaked out.

I am not sure why I am posting all this, but it felt like I needed to share. Sometimes, no most of the time, I really wish I could just stay me. My therapist says accepting the DID is the first step to improving/working with it, but I still struggle to accept it beyond the fact that I know it's there. And now I am more exhausted.
 
That sounds like a hell of a session. When you have DID, does your therapist have a way to coax them out? Or is it a wait and see who shows up? Do you have any awareness at all that they take over, like you're standing by a window and can watch what's happening?
What happens when your session is over and you're not present? I would just like to know how I can support you. It does sound like it would be exhausting.
 
@KwanYingirl - My therapist occasionally asks for a specific part, but not usually. She will probably ask the angry part to come out next time because of what happened today. Usually it is a wait and see who shows up. Sometimes a part is triggered into coming out by what we are talking about. Sometimes I just feel like I have been asleep or blacked out. Other times it's like I am watching myself from either outside or within, but it's fuzzy. I can hear myself talking, but it's not me. It's pretty strange. If I am not present, my therapist will ask the part that is to go back in and get me. Two of my parts like to go to sleep with lullabies and then my therapist will wake me up. Some transitions back are easier than others. On a day like today, which has become pretty typical, I am exhausted. I have never felt like I did when I first came back today. That was scary because I couldn't figure out what was wrong or how to fix it. Thank you for caring enough to inquire.
 
I hope you are feeling better. I do get the far away feeling too where sounds are muffled and I am drifting in and out of consciousness. Some sessions are so confusing to me I have high anxiety for several days after.

I guess it would be a good idea to take care of ourselves so we can get through sessions at least with nourishment on board.

It sounds like a long process for you and for that I am sorry. I wish you were done with this part of your therapy so you can reap the benefits of the work. PTSD is hard work!
 
I have had two T's move offices while I have been seeing them and each time it really destablized the relationship with them, to the point I could not resettle. For me moving locations brought up alot of fears, I don't like the unfamilar it feels unsafe. Not logical I know, but feelings aren't always logical.
 
@shell - I don't like the unfamiliar either. I just keep telling myself that her original office was not familiar when I started. When your therapists moved were you ever able to stabilize with that person after the move or did you have to switch therapists? I think I'll be okay after awhile, but I hate that it will probably interrupt progress.

Thanks @KwanYingirl for your support. I have read that you dissociate a lot so I know you understand that part.
 
@JEKBreatheandBelieve I didn't have to switch therapist, but I did switch therapist because I was so avoidant. Just because it feels unsettling doesn't mean that you need to change, it just helps to acknowledge that you feel that way, and recognize that it's okay because it is unfamilar. It helps to stop the panic. Since I have found the right T, in a new office and it feels very right. I have found recognizing the hightened emotions helps to accept them and not destract from the relationship and what I am trying to achieve.
 
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