JEKBreatheandBelieve
MyPTSD Pro
Today's therapy session has wiped me out. Of course I haven't been sleeping much anyway lately, but now I feel like I could sleep for days and days. I am so exhausted.
My therapist said that not a lot was said during my session (I have DID so I wasn't completely present for the whole session), but we both agreed that something big was happening. A newer part came out to play a game and talked a little. She talked about not liking trees, but I do not know why- I will have to ask my therapist is there's an explanation for that. Then, she switched to the other child who said something about "not a pretty girl" and was apparently re-living the trauma.
When the feelings became too intense, the part that holds the feelings came out. She scratched to the point where I was bleeding. She tried to work with my therapist to stop. She calmed and then the feelings came back. She apparently started shaking.
When I came back, I could not get the room into focus. I cannot describe the feelings that I had. I thought I was going to be trapped in that state forever. But I made it to the bathroom and eventually out to my car, but I got lost along the way (in my mind, not literally). My therapist said that my angry one tried to come out to drive. Apparently she is 17. My therapist convinced her that it would be better if I drove home. I think that I didn't make it to the car because as we were leaving, my therapist said "Say good-bye to this office" because she's moving offices over the weekend. I have done well not freaking out too much about that until she made that comment. It seemed so silly that I couldn't tell her why I freaked out.
I am not sure why I am posting all this, but it felt like I needed to share. Sometimes, no most of the time, I really wish I could just stay me. My therapist says accepting the DID is the first step to improving/working with it, but I still struggle to accept it beyond the fact that I know it's there. And now I am more exhausted.
My therapist said that not a lot was said during my session (I have DID so I wasn't completely present for the whole session), but we both agreed that something big was happening. A newer part came out to play a game and talked a little. She talked about not liking trees, but I do not know why- I will have to ask my therapist is there's an explanation for that. Then, she switched to the other child who said something about "not a pretty girl" and was apparently re-living the trauma.
When the feelings became too intense, the part that holds the feelings came out. She scratched to the point where I was bleeding. She tried to work with my therapist to stop. She calmed and then the feelings came back. She apparently started shaking.
When I came back, I could not get the room into focus. I cannot describe the feelings that I had. I thought I was going to be trapped in that state forever. But I made it to the bathroom and eventually out to my car, but I got lost along the way (in my mind, not literally). My therapist said that my angry one tried to come out to drive. Apparently she is 17. My therapist convinced her that it would be better if I drove home. I think that I didn't make it to the car because as we were leaving, my therapist said "Say good-bye to this office" because she's moving offices over the weekend. I have done well not freaking out too much about that until she made that comment. It seemed so silly that I couldn't tell her why I freaked out.
I am not sure why I am posting all this, but it felt like I needed to share. Sometimes, no most of the time, I really wish I could just stay me. My therapist says accepting the DID is the first step to improving/working with it, but I still struggle to accept it beyond the fact that I know it's there. And now I am more exhausted.