• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

General Intervention Is Coming.... Looking For Feedback.

Status
Not open for further replies.

Livy's Mom

Confident
Hello everyone,

I have recently separated from my sufferer... Well he separated himself from us, you all know how it goes!

Quick background is we have a 3 year old daughter and he is an alcoholic.

He has been out of our home for two full weeks and I'm focused on my daughter and I. Very proud of myself by the way, I have put much less energy and effort into "fixing" the current situation than ever before and kudos to me for that.

So now that I have taken a hands off approach and am focusing on just me and her, his Mother has initiated the process for an intervention.

My education on interventions is strictly from the A&E series so, I'm no expert.

Their plan is to hold this intervention in the coming week. They have asked me to participate and I have said no at this time.

I said no, not because I don't want to help him but when he is "doing what he does" moving out, saying I don't love you blah blah blah, after he leaves us and is talking with family and friends he blames me for all his troubles. He tells people that he drinks so much because he just couldn't stand the misery of being with me! He says that he doesn't need help for his PTSD, he manages it just fine on his own. Just yesterday he told a good friend not to listen to me because I have a tendency to make up stories... Sweet lord. Lol.

So here are my thoughts/questions to everyone.

1) I feel as though attending the intervention could possibly derail it. Since he has used me as his excuse for drinking to others. He also uses our relationship as a great deflector of concern about his PTSD, example being "I don't need treatment for my PTSD, I just don't love her and I don't want to be with her." This works well for him because that happens right! People end relationships all the time without PTSD so why can't he! I believe that if I am there, the talk will be about me and the relationship he doesn't want vs what it should really be about and that is him going to dual diagnosis treatment for both of his illnesses.

I would like your feedback on whether that is the right choice. I did say I would like t send a representative for my daughter (likely my mother).

2) have any of you heard of an intervention taking place where it is PTSD/Substance abuse? I did some google searches and really came up with nothing. I'm worried about how it is going to go and whether it's even the best thing to do to someone with PTSD. I am not driving this train but I of course ant to help in any way possible.

3) there are very few people who I believe will even participate. He is a master at being the good guy and wearing a facade of normalcy. I suspect none of his close friends or family will be of any help since they are tremendous enablers.


All thoughts and feedback are welcome.
 
I think it is very, very smart not to go... Keeps it from being seen as a manipulation to get him "back", keeps the focus on what the intent of the intervention is, & something I don't have quite enough coffee in me to fully explain. (The words 'target for misplaced anger' are in there somewhere).

The intervention isn't a bad idea necessarilly, although ganging up on a vet isn't usually the smartest thing a person can do, it can sometimes be effective where nothing else can be. It can also blow up in everyone's faces. Best of luck to your MIL. Do be prepared for him to show up railing at everyone (since you won't be there, you may be seen as an ally against stupidity), or for him taking off completely for the next several weeks/ months/ etc. The last time someone pulled something like that on me, it took me about 2 years to calm the f*ck down. But I'm not known for being smart & am known for both disappearing acts & overreactions. I have however participated in the exact same sort of thing, but we were mates, and we were also prepared to deck him, duct tape his ass, throw him in the back seat, sit on him, and physically carry a recalcitrant package into the VA. His mother thought the duct tape ridiculous. Duct tape is f*cking useful. Didn't end up needing it.
 
Last edited:
How much do you know about how this is going to be handled? Is it a "do it yourself" project, or do they have professional help? Are they planning on shipping him right off to rehab, or what? "Professional help" seems like a good idea. I can see a multitude of ways for this to go off the rails if it turns in to just family and friends ganging up on him and venting. If they're going to do it, doing something that might actually help seems like a good idea.

How do you feel about him and the relationship? If it's "over" as far as you're concerned, I can see staying out of it completely. If you haven't given up on the relationship, it seems like you'd want to be involved, at least behind the scenes. I'd sure express your reasons for thinking it's better if you're not there. Maybe there are issues there that really DO need to be brought up, but it has to be done in as controlled a way as possible. If you just avoid any involvement at all, I'd expect others (including him) to assume you're done with him and the marriage.
 
Wow, all great responses! Thank you everyone.

So it is being handled by a professional and I believe the an is to have a facility ready if he says yes, that he will be taken to immediately. I am participating in some ways behind the scenes. Organizing and providing medical information, things of that nature.

I have no intention to give up on the relationship (at this time) but I really do believe it will give him an opportunity to redirect the issues at me and avoid facing the reality of the situation although he may just do that anyway without me there. I believe that IF he does get help then down the road we may be able to discuss the Relationship things we need to. But there is absolutely no point in attempting that right now. If he doesn't go, I obviously have to reassess my situation.

I am worried he will lash out on everyone and feel attacked. An intervention seems like it's exactly the kind of situation that would trigger him into fight or flight no?!

I still think a letter on behalf of our daughter is required but nothing to do with our relationship.

By the way, while his family is attempting to get everything I. Olace I am
Learning that getting a vet proper care is next to impossible.
 
I was going to say what @City Slicker said.

I was pressed into joining an intervention, with professionals. It didn't work, and the abuser made life a nightmare for me, for a very long time, afterward. (Among heightened abuse and acting out, he did some things to make me very sick, that nearly killed me, in retaliation.)

You know him best of all. Definitely, trust your instincts, above all else.
 
I am worried he will lash out on everyone and feel attacked. An intervention seems like it's exactly the kind of situation that would trigger him into fight or flight no?!
It would for me! LOL

But that's why I asked if there was professional involvement. Obviously, something needs to change, because his life isn't working as is, and it's fairly likely he'll have, at best, mixed feelings about hearing this. (On some level, he also might be relieved, it's just hard to admit that sometimes.) A good professional should be able to direct things a bit and keep them from spiraling out of control. After all, you all want to help, not just beat up on him.

Good luck, I really hope this goes well!
 
Ugh... My gut feeling is that I don't want to be there. I know something has to be done and things have to change but this method worries me.

I'll give my feedback to the professionals and see what they say.

Maybe I'm so uneasy about it because it feels like the last effort. If it doesn't work I can't see him improving in any way.

Just hearing some of the "bottom lines" from his family made me tilt my head like huh?!?! For example they stated if he didn't go to treatment they would not have contact with him while he's under the influence... I said well that's not really a consequence... He doesn't want any contact with any of us Hahahaha.

He's isolating and perfectly content with us staying out of his way.

When he hears that he's gonna think jeez is this all I gotta do to get you people to get off my back!

Sigh...
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top