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Relationship Intimacy Problems And "i Don't Want To Hurt You Anymore"

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r00k4

New Here
Hi all, I am a new poster here. Wish I had found this site a long time ago!

I'll try to keep things short and simple.. just looking for some advice for those that have been there! I have read many many posts in my short time here and can relate to almost every post on here.

I was dating a man with combat ptsd for almost 3 years now. Marine, OIF, 2 deployments, injured in war, that whole deal. We recently broke up. He gave me the line of "You're too good for me" "I need to find my happiness" "I don't know what I want" "Doesn't want to hurt me anymore" ect.

In the beginning he did tell me that he had PTSD. I kinda knew about it but not too much, so I read up on it from professional websites and tried being prepared as I could be. We had a lot of ups and downs. Throughout everything I still cared, even now I still care. The main problem is that he did not seek treatment and was not on any medications. Of course, things got worse for us. He quit drinking as much after being with me, and I think that is what lead to his illness getting worse since he could no longer just drown his problems away. Not to be TMI but we quit having sex and being intimate, not because we didn't want to but because things around the house stopped us from doing so as freely as we would have liked (my mom is ill and was in the same house as us during this time) and I was having some health related problems 'down there' for lack of better words (ok, really TMI I know.. oops) He also got on this kick of playing video games alllll night. There was little time left for just 'us'. I feel guilty of this now because it is a very important thing to stay intimate with your partner. We tried to talk about it but it always ended up in a fight. We got complacent. Besides that, most things were good. We had problems but worked through them. We lived like this for probably 8 months.

Fast forward, my guy finally decided he wanted some space and couldn't handle the lack of intimacy. I understood, and he moved back to his house. We were still exclusive to each other, just giving each other space. We started having sex again since we could actually relax and unwind at his house without the added stress of my mother and family, and my female problems were finally under control. It was great to feel connected again. We did not see each other every day as we used to, but we did stay in contact and tried to sleep over on weekends since I have to work during the week. Well things were going good there for a little bit, then some things started happening and we couldn't see each other except for short times during the day. I had to work one weekend at nights, my mom had a stroke, he hung out with his friends all weekend one time, and the next thing you know it had been 3 weeks since we had had sex again. Well this week I was actually excited because I was going to be able to finally relax with him and spend some quality time with him, but he had an appointment with the VA on Monday (that did not go well because I think he was actually ready for help but they dismissed all his problems) and has just crashed since then. I went over to his house Wednesday night and even took him flowers to try to cheer him up, but he officially 'left me' that night telling me all the stuff I wrote above. I was crushed but thought maybe he just needed space. I told him that I was here to support him and understood if he was having a hard time. He said he needed no commitment, and that he didn't know what he wanted or how long it would take to be happy. And he said he didn't want to drag me along throughout that ordeal and he didn't know if he actually got happy if he would want to be with me anymore.

Needless to say, that sucked. Then things got worse. I found out he had been on a dating website for almost 2 months (prior to when he even left to move back to his house) and he even had plans to hang out with some girl the same night I went to his house (Hmm.. that's why he shaved his face for the first time in over a year :cautious: ). And he has tentative plans with another girl this weekend! Of course I was furious, hurt, everything. I called him and asked him why he gave me some sob story about finding his happiness when all he really wanted to do was see other people. He said that's not what any of it was about and he was just seeing what was out there. I was just in shock and extremly hurt. Then he gave me the line of 'well if you would have had sex with me more I wouldn't have to look anywhere else'... low blow.

Anyway, I let him be and decided to start looking up PTSD stuff, and that's when I found this forum. I had mentioned before that I looked up this stuff occasionally, but it was all professional websites and somehow I never came across a forum with sufferers and carers alike. I have read many posts on the mycombatpstd forum as well as many on here. I feel like I understand my guy better than ever now, and can look back at things and have a better understanding. Boy I wish I would have found this place a long time ago! Anyway I sent him an email (yes it is too soon I would think, but I did anyway) and told him I found this place and that I know he has felt alone for a long time and that there are others out there just like him. I told him that I was always here for him if he needed me. Thing is, if all of this would have happened without the whole 'dating site' thing I would feel alot better, but that whole thing just throws me in a loop.

At this point I'm unsure of what to do, I mean I know I can't change his mind if he wants to see others, but at the same time I feel like I can relate to him so much more after reading all these post and I want to help him get the help he needs. I feel like he is just having a breakdown, and his way of coping is partyin it up and girls girls girls, just like he was before he met me. Am I stupid to think there is even any hope? I am trying to keep myself together and stay strong, but it's hard, especially after everything we have been through. And I really do love the guy, which makes it harder. But I am trying to stay busy and hang out with friends. I did tell some of his family about him freaking out after his VA appointment, but they don't seem to think he has a problem either, they think that he just makes excuses. After being with him for so long and reading all these posts and especially the stuff on mycombatptsd, its like ah-ha! He sounds exactly like these people, and he does have a problem.

Any thoughts? Give it to me straight, I can take the painful truth!!
Oh yeah, and sorry this turned into a novel.. :oops: just a lot of stuff to get out there..
 
Hi, So sad you have been through so much with him. I think the other girls is a deal breaker for me.

He is not getting help. He needs to hit bottom and he does not sound like he has done that. I am so sorry to tell you this. I know you want to help him, but he has to want to help himself first. I am sure someone wiser will come along to help you.

Please take good care of yourself. He sounds set in his ways. I am sorry this is happening to you. I wish you the best with whatever you decide.
 
Hi gizmo,

Thanks for the words. I agree the other women are a deal breaker. Although, I don't know for sure if he has been out with anyone. I know he has to want to do this on his own, that's why I let him go so to speak when he said that he needed time that night. Then the next day I found out about the dating stuff which just made everything more complicated. He actually sent me an email back saying thank you for being there for me and sorry for being a d***. That was all though. As for me, like you said I'm am trying to take good care of myself. Going to the lake tomorrow with a few rowdy friends so that should be fun. Then I'm back to work next week so I will stay busy. I guess it's just wait and see from here.

Thanks for trudging through my long post hehe :)
 
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