Hi, I grew up with good and bad times. For this purpose... in a home of verbal, emotional and physical abuse from both parents - the normal hits, and then beltings with hairbrushes and tree branches, teeth pulled with the string tied and the door being slammed. Bullied through primary and into secondary school, and at family outings. Nothing I have ever done has ever been good enough for my mother. (I know I am good enough - and it is some of the people I attract in life). I have been blamed for my fathers medical history for 25+ years by her. I had a shotgun at my head from a b/f in my late teens. My husband was controlling and abusive - I walked with the children because of his abuse toward them. I met a man and had a relationship for 4-5yrs - we did not live together - he is a narcissist and admitted he had anger mngmt issues and sexual addiction - we tried counselling. He abused me, threatened my life, the childrens, my families - i had repeated contact with police, their counsellors, dv counsellors and support groups. He said i would always have to look over my shoulder, and his threats were very real at the time, there was sermonising by him. A car accident - no physical injuries - car a wreck. The emotional scars are always hidden as we know and physical scars heal. After being punched several times, nearly having my neck broke twice, he escalating to rape and lastly a good bashing. Later he walked away from all by signing a paper. I followed due process with the police and had a detective tell me he was only playing games with me. I went through months of staying hidden at home, terrified to go out, checking the street, cars, not eating, dry wretching, vomiting, flashbacks and endless cycling of events, bursting into tears whenever/wherever, I couldnt feel anything. I stopped seeing counsellors and support groups. A year later I put myself into counselling as I needed to find clarity with it. Then I met a beautiful man, and we had so many pleasant times, I moved in late last year and we had a couple of minor issues with his children and ex g/f's still in his life when he had said to me early in the relationship that he had removed all contact with them. I moved out earlier this year, because of his emotional and verbal abuse, and he had squeezed my wrists tightly on 2 occasions. However, during the living together period I was fearful, scared, concerned and worried, i felt he wasnt telling me the truth on many things, he was not being supportive, and anarchy ruled in the house when the children were around and he was not. When I mentioned the children's behaviours he said it came from his exwife and he wouldn't do anything about it. We have talked a lot since, me wanting understanding of what happened and how we can change the issues we have - we both agree they're is fixable and that there was much good between us (and I now know more about his lying and why I felt like I did (because of things he has admitted). Since then, there is a trust issue between us that we know is fixable - but he is concerned about the length of time it will take.
I would like to know if ptsd is what I was dealing with in the relationship but didn't understand it - I have not ever felt so confused and lost and my self esteem crumbled in a short time. I believe we triggered one another, and small things followed. There were two instances where I got loud and did not understand why (I have not ever before - hasn't been my nature - it concerned myself and he, we talked but not going into our feelings - which he had bottled and we both did not want that to happen with one another from the outset. I am still experiencing symptoms (I believe this is because I continue talking with him to resolve our issues - we meet at his place at the end of the day, eat, talk, go to bed, and he is nice, then turns nasty after what we share in bed - I ask why he does it - he says it's because 'you get in the bed' - I tell him I do it because of my feelings for him. It's been a month since we met up - I do not foresee another meet up. My symptoms are continuing (they have been present for many months now); this man does not know the abuses I have been dealt by others, I intended telling him all, and about my ptsd fear (when it first triggered between us) and believed he would support me - the belitting and putdowns had begun and everything I asked to do for myself, with him or with children was rejected by him.
I have recently completed a work contract and am between work at the moment - I look daily and have an interview next week. I have by choice cut myself off from 'life' at the moment - I don't like it - however, i feel it safe and best for now, I have sleep problems (amongst other), and when sleep finally takes ahold (say 0700 in the morning) - I wake a few hours later with the mindset that there is no reason to get up, and lie there for another 6 or so before I do get up - my mind cycling. This morning I had a meltdown when i got into bed for the second attempt to sleep at 0500, I wanted to sleep and now I had to go through that - then a thumper headache - I do laugh sometimes at myself. I have completed studies and placements in MH and know a little, and enough to know that I have to pull myself out of this and get strong - easier said than done this time.
I know I need to talk to a doctor and then another to sort this - the stigma as we all know is not nice. I have not spoken to my family for 3+years because of the torment from the previous man - a sibling told me to never tell. I do not trust anyone in my family enough to talk to them about my life and in turn they keep it to themselves.
I have two questions, 1) can trauma and ptsd show up in a relationship without you recognising it, and only realise later?... I have read a few posts here to know that others have similar issues and i suspect it does.
and 2) can ptsd block memories?... I have blanks in my recent relationship and I have been told of a couple of things I did which I have no recollection of.... any advice is sincerely appreciated re these two questions. Thanks
I would like to know if ptsd is what I was dealing with in the relationship but didn't understand it - I have not ever felt so confused and lost and my self esteem crumbled in a short time. I believe we triggered one another, and small things followed. There were two instances where I got loud and did not understand why (I have not ever before - hasn't been my nature - it concerned myself and he, we talked but not going into our feelings - which he had bottled and we both did not want that to happen with one another from the outset. I am still experiencing symptoms (I believe this is because I continue talking with him to resolve our issues - we meet at his place at the end of the day, eat, talk, go to bed, and he is nice, then turns nasty after what we share in bed - I ask why he does it - he says it's because 'you get in the bed' - I tell him I do it because of my feelings for him. It's been a month since we met up - I do not foresee another meet up. My symptoms are continuing (they have been present for many months now); this man does not know the abuses I have been dealt by others, I intended telling him all, and about my ptsd fear (when it first triggered between us) and believed he would support me - the belitting and putdowns had begun and everything I asked to do for myself, with him or with children was rejected by him.
I have recently completed a work contract and am between work at the moment - I look daily and have an interview next week. I have by choice cut myself off from 'life' at the moment - I don't like it - however, i feel it safe and best for now, I have sleep problems (amongst other), and when sleep finally takes ahold (say 0700 in the morning) - I wake a few hours later with the mindset that there is no reason to get up, and lie there for another 6 or so before I do get up - my mind cycling. This morning I had a meltdown when i got into bed for the second attempt to sleep at 0500, I wanted to sleep and now I had to go through that - then a thumper headache - I do laugh sometimes at myself. I have completed studies and placements in MH and know a little, and enough to know that I have to pull myself out of this and get strong - easier said than done this time.
I know I need to talk to a doctor and then another to sort this - the stigma as we all know is not nice. I have not spoken to my family for 3+years because of the torment from the previous man - a sibling told me to never tell. I do not trust anyone in my family enough to talk to them about my life and in turn they keep it to themselves.
I have two questions, 1) can trauma and ptsd show up in a relationship without you recognising it, and only realise later?... I have read a few posts here to know that others have similar issues and i suspect it does.
and 2) can ptsd block memories?... I have blanks in my recent relationship and I have been told of a couple of things I did which I have no recollection of.... any advice is sincerely appreciated re these two questions. Thanks