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Undiagnosed Intro, Suspect Ptsd, Two Questions If Anyone Can Advise Me :)

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SGT1209

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Hi, I grew up with good and bad times. For this purpose... in a home of verbal, emotional and physical abuse from both parents - the normal hits, and then beltings with hairbrushes and tree branches, teeth pulled with the string tied and the door being slammed. Bullied through primary and into secondary school, and at family outings. Nothing I have ever done has ever been good enough for my mother. (I know I am good enough - and it is some of the people I attract in life). I have been blamed for my fathers medical history for 25+ years by her. I had a shotgun at my head from a b/f in my late teens. My husband was controlling and abusive - I walked with the children because of his abuse toward them. I met a man and had a relationship for 4-5yrs - we did not live together - he is a narcissist and admitted he had anger mngmt issues and sexual addiction - we tried counselling. He abused me, threatened my life, the childrens, my families - i had repeated contact with police, their counsellors, dv counsellors and support groups. He said i would always have to look over my shoulder, and his threats were very real at the time, there was sermonising by him. A car accident - no physical injuries - car a wreck. The emotional scars are always hidden as we know and physical scars heal. After being punched several times, nearly having my neck broke twice, he escalating to rape and lastly a good bashing. Later he walked away from all by signing a paper. I followed due process with the police and had a detective tell me he was only playing games with me. I went through months of staying hidden at home, terrified to go out, checking the street, cars, not eating, dry wretching, vomiting, flashbacks and endless cycling of events, bursting into tears whenever/wherever, I couldnt feel anything. I stopped seeing counsellors and support groups. A year later I put myself into counselling as I needed to find clarity with it. Then I met a beautiful man, and we had so many pleasant times, I moved in late last year and we had a couple of minor issues with his children and ex g/f's still in his life when he had said to me early in the relationship that he had removed all contact with them. I moved out earlier this year, because of his emotional and verbal abuse, and he had squeezed my wrists tightly on 2 occasions. However, during the living together period I was fearful, scared, concerned and worried, i felt he wasnt telling me the truth on many things, he was not being supportive, and anarchy ruled in the house when the children were around and he was not. When I mentioned the children's behaviours he said it came from his exwife and he wouldn't do anything about it. We have talked a lot since, me wanting understanding of what happened and how we can change the issues we have - we both agree they're is fixable and that there was much good between us (and I now know more about his lying and why I felt like I did (because of things he has admitted). Since then, there is a trust issue between us that we know is fixable - but he is concerned about the length of time it will take.
I would like to know if ptsd is what I was dealing with in the relationship but didn't understand it - I have not ever felt so confused and lost and my self esteem crumbled in a short time. I believe we triggered one another, and small things followed. There were two instances where I got loud and did not understand why (I have not ever before - hasn't been my nature - it concerned myself and he, we talked but not going into our feelings - which he had bottled and we both did not want that to happen with one another from the outset. I am still experiencing symptoms (I believe this is because I continue talking with him to resolve our issues - we meet at his place at the end of the day, eat, talk, go to bed, and he is nice, then turns nasty after what we share in bed - I ask why he does it - he says it's because 'you get in the bed' - I tell him I do it because of my feelings for him. It's been a month since we met up - I do not foresee another meet up. My symptoms are continuing (they have been present for many months now); this man does not know the abuses I have been dealt by others, I intended telling him all, and about my ptsd fear (when it first triggered between us) and believed he would support me - the belitting and putdowns had begun and everything I asked to do for myself, with him or with children was rejected by him.
I have recently completed a work contract and am between work at the moment - I look daily and have an interview next week. I have by choice cut myself off from 'life' at the moment - I don't like it - however, i feel it safe and best for now, I have sleep problems (amongst other), and when sleep finally takes ahold (say 0700 in the morning) - I wake a few hours later with the mindset that there is no reason to get up, and lie there for another 6 or so before I do get up - my mind cycling. This morning I had a meltdown when i got into bed for the second attempt to sleep at 0500, I wanted to sleep and now I had to go through that - then a thumper headache - I do laugh sometimes at myself. I have completed studies and placements in MH and know a little, and enough to know that I have to pull myself out of this and get strong - easier said than done this time.
I know I need to talk to a doctor and then another to sort this - the stigma as we all know is not nice. I have not spoken to my family for 3+years because of the torment from the previous man - a sibling told me to never tell. I do not trust anyone in my family enough to talk to them about my life and in turn they keep it to themselves.
I have two questions, 1) can trauma and ptsd show up in a relationship without you recognising it, and only realise later?... I have read a few posts here to know that others have similar issues and i suspect it does.
and 2) can ptsd block memories?... I have blanks in my recent relationship and I have been told of a couple of things I did which I have no recollection of.... any advice is sincerely appreciated re these two questions. Thanks
 
Seems that you already know what to do and are seeking affirmation and validation. I agree you will need help to untangle this... we can't say if someone has PTSD or not as we are not qualified to answer that. But I will encourage you to seek counseling to help you to help yourself. You seem very smart and very strong, but very wore out and unsure of yourself...
Seek counseling, and see how that helps you and let us know how you are doing.... gentle hugs for sharing.
 
Hi ladee, Thankyou for your reply. I feel i have no self-esteem nor much else at this time and I have always put others before myself. I have always kept busy and perhaps pushed me and thoughts and feelings to the side - that's why it has 'hit me/come at me' now. I agree with what you have said. Pushing myself to counselling is my barrier - I am my barrier at this time. Will update when I make progress. Thank you kindly :)
 
I'm confused by your first question.

PTSD may flare up in a relationship but it won't exist only during a relationship as that's not the nature of the disorder.

If you're having situational reactions, they may be trauma related but it's not PTSD.

Memories can be blocked for whatever reason, but it's not PTSD that is blocking memories. People with traumatic pasts who don't have PTSD have repressed memories, too. I guess what I'm saying is that PTSD is a specific set of symptoms and it's not a matter of the disorder repressing your memories. Memory repression happens to all kinds.
 
Hi Eve, I appreciate your words. I do not disagree with anything you have said. It existed outside the r/ship. There is far more than what was written here originally. Previous counselling leaned towards this. I am concerned about the blanks.... and have made appointments today. :)
 
Congrats on making the appointments!! Sometimes we simply need to be told we are not crazy, given a gentle nudge to seek help, and then we can do what we knew to do in the first place. We are happy you are here and will be with you on this healing journey if you need us... Thanks for updating and getting that much deserved help... gentle hugs if you accept.
 
Welcome to the forums :hug: I hope this spot helps you. It's extremely valuable as a result of the mass measure of individuals who feel comparative and understand eachother. There is a great deal of counsel and backing to be found here :) I trust this stunning group helps you as much as it helped me, reading all the similar stories, and taking in a lot of support along the way. Hugs in the event that you accept :hug:
 
@SGT1209 Welcome to the forum! :)

Personally, I believe that relationships are only as healthy as the people that are in them. With that being said, take the time to focus solely on yourself and your own healing. You deserve to be happy and comfortable in your own skin.
 
Hi, my diagnosis is PTSD and Clinical Depression..seeing T once a week (and its a struggle to make an effort to travel to that), prefer natural therapies... they want to start CPT for the PTSD if anyone has done this therapy - how was it for you? I am currently dealing with the insomnia and headaches... i have much time for other things however, the insomnia with the cycling going on in my head and headaches/migraines leaves little time for anything else.
 
1) can trauma and ptsd show up in a relationship without you recognising it, and only realise later?... I have read a few posts here to know that others have similar issues and i suspect it does.
Absolutely. PTSD does not have a defined period when it appears. Years, decades even, later, is quite normal.
2) can ptsd block memories?... I have blanks in my recent relationship and I have been told of a couple of things I did which I have no recollection of.
PTSD? No. Trauma is what blocks memories, and dissociation is what fragments memories. PTSD is just a name for a whole group of symptoms lumped together, it isn't anything beyond that. Dissociation is actually normal. We all do it. With trauma, it can simply be worse, thus you dissociate and your brain doesn't encode its senses correctly into memory, thus you don't remember something clearly that you may have just done.
 
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