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Sufferer Introduction & admission to sheppard-pratt

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KicatsDID

New Here
Hi there, so obviously new & thought I’d give this a go. I’ve tried online support groups in the past but they never dealt specifically w/cPTSD & dissociative Identity disorder. I have a lot of behaviors I struggle with- passive suicidal ideation (sometimes not to passive), PTSD episodes in form of dissociation to alters & somatization problems where I re-experience the abuse physically or have emotional flashbacks. I have also struggled with self harm since the age of 7. I have 6 alters that I know of & one that wants me dead. 5 of my alters are so lovely but I fantasize about suicide daily. I’d really like to stop existing & perhaps become dormant somehow so I don't have to be present & participate in life any longer. I have an extended family who either refutes or minimizes the abuse & I’ve cut contact w/my parents (my primary abusers). I’ve tried to keep my disorders secret from friends & coworkers but it’s difficult when I switch personas or miss lots of work because of my episodes. I have been accepted for admission to Sheppard-Pratt as of yesterday & frankly it’s a last ditch effort to keep me from killing myself & learn the skills I need to function & maybe even thrive on a daily basis.

So, I suppose that’s enough to be going on. Thank you for posting on this forum- knowing I’m not alone already makes a big difference.
 
Kicats Hi I'm glad you're reaching out and getting help. I can relate to the years of abuse, and denial of it by others who should know better, leading to the desire to check out.

Being abused and then having the reality of it dismissed is a severe double whammy and it can feel like you're here by mistake. Instead of doing
what all humans are meant to do in childhood, getting to know yourself and your deepest passions. Instead of enjoying life and experiencing love. I'm always amazed at how some people have so much love in their lives. I'm not typically a jealous person, but I admit that I feel very jealous when people describe their close family relationships. Sometimes I just can't bear it and have to walk away.

Don't know if this suggestion is relatable or helpful, but I'll pass it on just in case it might be. I've found that watching videos of people rescuing animals and restoring them to health tobe very comforting. These animals are often filthy, very traumatized, they really look like the garbage they're often found lying in. Their transformation is amazing, some are truly beautiful, and those that are not physically beautiful are made so by their radiant happiness
and health. It's a wonderful reminder that all of Gods creatures were meant to be loved and live in health. It is clear that it is our natural state, something that is every creature's birthright.

It is a tragedy that not everyone can experience this growing up. Some of us have to create this for ourselves after growing up so traumatized that we are more akin to infants in a sad and fearful adult costume. It's so easy to hate ourselves when we can't play pretend that all is well when we've never been held safely, never had the most basic necessities of care to feel engaged in our own survival.

I wish you luck with the program, please never give up. There's a reason why each of us is here. Often those of us with lowest circumstances end up having the most to give. Take care
 
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Thank you so much! I used to work in a no-kill animal shelter & found the experience rewarding but also triggering so I had to let it go. I’m hoping if I can learn to manage my symptoms I can go back to school & train for a job in healthcare where I can help people but not be too hands on- like medical lab technologist or something where I can contribute.

It’s good to hear I’m not alone w/regard to the denial of abuse. Well not good exactly- I wish no one had to go through any of these issues. The denial is just as triggering as any flashback & the gaslighting makes me feel even more insane. And supremely angry- it took a lot of courage & trust for one of my child alters to show me what happened. I already knew of certain incidents that occurred during onset of puberty, but nothing like what she shared w/me. I feel like I owe it to this little girl to honor that trust & care for her- esp since she only came forward when I cut off ties w/my abusers. Until then she lived in terror I would return to my parents & so never shared her memories. I found her hiding in a cage in my mind- she looked like an animal she was so covered in filth. Anyway, when my parents, brother, or my other extended family members suggest my alters are lying it makes me livid. My relatives are going to great lengths to help me receive treatment for suicidal ideation & self harm, so it’s hard to stay angry at them at the same time they knowingly (or not) use the same gaslighting techniques as my abusers. Ugh, abuse in family systems really is pervasive. I get so jealous none of the other victims in my family have dissociative episodes or body memories that essentially tattle on me for not having processed the trauma when I’d rather they not see & comment on it w/enormously unhelpful suggestions or rationalization about how I’m the only one who believes anything happened.

Ok I’m ranting now... the thing is I also identify with how some families can be so loving or at the very least not experience an environment where secrets are kept behind locked doors & the outside world can’t be let in. My family is very respectable on paper, but lord help them all if it got out they “broke” one of their family members. And my DID & cPTSD is a smoking gun no one can really ignore since it isn’t a genetic disorder & there’s only one way for it to develop. Which is not from living in the safe & nurturing environment they try to present to the rest of the world.

Thank you for your support & comments. Take care!!!

Sincerely,
Sarah
 
Hi Sarah I'm so sorry you had to go through that hell. It sounds like you have a very good understanding of you and your conditions.

I honestly believe that once we start to process the trauma and alters.... It's easier.. Time... It takes along time.. But at least you are trying.... That's a huge step. I know that doesn't take away the pain, humiliation, hurt... Im glad you have found this forum.. Because these people help but more so understand... Take care....
 
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