A
Asit
Hi,
I haven't been in recovery very long, less than a year, for csa. Something I noticed right off the bat was how I sexualized other people, especially people who reached out to me or inspired my trust.
I got that under control consciously, or at least I thought I did. Told myself that it's not okay to fantasize about people in my life. I seemed to understood that pretty quickly.
However, I also suppressed my sexuality, either consciously or unconsciously I'm not sure. Been trying to reintegrate my body with my mind and spirit. I noticed my sexuality kind of springing forth on its own, and I think that sexual energy is related to letting go and creativity and healing, so I'm trying not to just completely repress it.
That said, sometimes there are sexual images that come up very strongly and it is upsetting to me in that they involve people who are trying to help me. The images are not violent or aggressive, they are not even necessarily explicit, they are of people in important helper roles experiencing sexual pleasure. It almost reminds me of when I was a child and became aware that my parents and teachers also used the toilet. Like I just need to ignore and get past and keep going. Like it's not really a big deal, unless I make it a big deal. I'm the adult.
Trying to talk myself through this. Thoughts and images come and go, it's up to me whether or not I entertain them. I struggle with acceptable vs unacceptable. T told me that it's acceptable to fantasize about people from the past who are no longer in your life, celebrities, and people in the world who you do not have a close or working relationship with. I thought I "had this," but now the images seem to just push through.
There is a comforting feeling to these intrusive images, in the sense that there's a message like, "It's okay for you to sexually pleasure yourself because it's a healthy thing to do. I'm healthy and so I allow myself to receive sexual pleasure too." However, the whole entire idea of needing someone else to give me permission or help me feel okay to give myself sexual pleasure, is kind of getting at the crux of my abuse and manipulation. It's kind of creepy to think that I would need permission from someone else to experience sexual pleasure. So there's competing messages, that's probably a big source of my tension.
If I were giving myself advice I would say, give it time to work itself out, know that you are just the observer, you do not need to follow every thought or image that pops into your head. Keep going, keep trying to trust yourself, keep letting people help you. You are in charge.
Perhaps this is similar to some of my other challenges I've seen in recovery. For example, the depression comes and goes. The first time it happened I was so upset and had a hard time handling it. When it came back I had a few more coping skills so I experienced it differently, it wasn't necessarily harder, but it was different, more complex I think.
Maybe that's how it is with lots of the symptoms. Deal with something. Seem to get it "under control". Things change. Focus shifts. Work on something else for a while. Old thing comes back but is experienced from a new point-of-view with new coping mechanisms. (Ideally, but it could be without a new point-of-view or new coping mechanisms and that's the feeling of beating your head against a wall.)
I haven't been in recovery very long, less than a year, for csa. Something I noticed right off the bat was how I sexualized other people, especially people who reached out to me or inspired my trust.
I got that under control consciously, or at least I thought I did. Told myself that it's not okay to fantasize about people in my life. I seemed to understood that pretty quickly.
However, I also suppressed my sexuality, either consciously or unconsciously I'm not sure. Been trying to reintegrate my body with my mind and spirit. I noticed my sexuality kind of springing forth on its own, and I think that sexual energy is related to letting go and creativity and healing, so I'm trying not to just completely repress it.
That said, sometimes there are sexual images that come up very strongly and it is upsetting to me in that they involve people who are trying to help me. The images are not violent or aggressive, they are not even necessarily explicit, they are of people in important helper roles experiencing sexual pleasure. It almost reminds me of when I was a child and became aware that my parents and teachers also used the toilet. Like I just need to ignore and get past and keep going. Like it's not really a big deal, unless I make it a big deal. I'm the adult.
Trying to talk myself through this. Thoughts and images come and go, it's up to me whether or not I entertain them. I struggle with acceptable vs unacceptable. T told me that it's acceptable to fantasize about people from the past who are no longer in your life, celebrities, and people in the world who you do not have a close or working relationship with. I thought I "had this," but now the images seem to just push through.
There is a comforting feeling to these intrusive images, in the sense that there's a message like, "It's okay for you to sexually pleasure yourself because it's a healthy thing to do. I'm healthy and so I allow myself to receive sexual pleasure too." However, the whole entire idea of needing someone else to give me permission or help me feel okay to give myself sexual pleasure, is kind of getting at the crux of my abuse and manipulation. It's kind of creepy to think that I would need permission from someone else to experience sexual pleasure. So there's competing messages, that's probably a big source of my tension.
If I were giving myself advice I would say, give it time to work itself out, know that you are just the observer, you do not need to follow every thought or image that pops into your head. Keep going, keep trying to trust yourself, keep letting people help you. You are in charge.
Perhaps this is similar to some of my other challenges I've seen in recovery. For example, the depression comes and goes. The first time it happened I was so upset and had a hard time handling it. When it came back I had a few more coping skills so I experienced it differently, it wasn't necessarily harder, but it was different, more complex I think.
Maybe that's how it is with lots of the symptoms. Deal with something. Seem to get it "under control". Things change. Focus shifts. Work on something else for a while. Old thing comes back but is experienced from a new point-of-view with new coping mechanisms. (Ideally, but it could be without a new point-of-view or new coping mechanisms and that's the feeling of beating your head against a wall.)