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Intrusive sexual images of safe people

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Asit

Hi,
I haven't been in recovery very long, less than a year, for csa. Something I noticed right off the bat was how I sexualized other people, especially people who reached out to me or inspired my trust.

I got that under control consciously, or at least I thought I did. Told myself that it's not okay to fantasize about people in my life. I seemed to understood that pretty quickly.

However, I also suppressed my sexuality, either consciously or unconsciously I'm not sure. Been trying to reintegrate my body with my mind and spirit. I noticed my sexuality kind of springing forth on its own, and I think that sexual energy is related to letting go and creativity and healing, so I'm trying not to just completely repress it.

That said, sometimes there are sexual images that come up very strongly and it is upsetting to me in that they involve people who are trying to help me. The images are not violent or aggressive, they are not even necessarily explicit, they are of people in important helper roles experiencing sexual pleasure. It almost reminds me of when I was a child and became aware that my parents and teachers also used the toilet. Like I just need to ignore and get past and keep going. Like it's not really a big deal, unless I make it a big deal. I'm the adult.

Trying to talk myself through this. Thoughts and images come and go, it's up to me whether or not I entertain them. I struggle with acceptable vs unacceptable. T told me that it's acceptable to fantasize about people from the past who are no longer in your life, celebrities, and people in the world who you do not have a close or working relationship with. I thought I "had this," but now the images seem to just push through.

There is a comforting feeling to these intrusive images, in the sense that there's a message like, "It's okay for you to sexually pleasure yourself because it's a healthy thing to do. I'm healthy and so I allow myself to receive sexual pleasure too." However, the whole entire idea of needing someone else to give me permission or help me feel okay to give myself sexual pleasure, is kind of getting at the crux of my abuse and manipulation. It's kind of creepy to think that I would need permission from someone else to experience sexual pleasure. So there's competing messages, that's probably a big source of my tension.

If I were giving myself advice I would say, give it time to work itself out, know that you are just the observer, you do not need to follow every thought or image that pops into your head. Keep going, keep trying to trust yourself, keep letting people help you. You are in charge.

Perhaps this is similar to some of my other challenges I've seen in recovery. For example, the depression comes and goes. The first time it happened I was so upset and had a hard time handling it. When it came back I had a few more coping skills so I experienced it differently, it wasn't necessarily harder, but it was different, more complex I think.

Maybe that's how it is with lots of the symptoms. Deal with something. Seem to get it "under control". Things change. Focus shifts. Work on something else for a while. Old thing comes back but is experienced from a new point-of-view with new coping mechanisms. (Ideally, but it could be without a new point-of-view or new coping mechanisms and that's the feeling of beating your head against a wall.)
 
I am trying to understand your post. You are saying that you have sexual fantasies of people in your daily life? Is this when you are in the room with these people or alone or in personal sexual situations?
 
It could be when I am in the room with them or alone. Usually when I am alone and feeling sexually excited for some reason. Sexual feelings just come up sometimes when I am alone.
 
It could be when I am in the room with them or alone. Usually when I am alone and feeling sexually excited for some reas...
We are all sexual beings. You say your thoughts involve recognizing that it is okay to pleasure ourselves by witnessing the example of these people in your life. Are you concerned that it is taking up too much of your time or somehow wrong because they are people you know? Is it becoming a compulsion? Are you afraid you will become sexually interested in these people and do something inappropriate?
 
Hypersexuality is a pretty common affect of PTSD, depending on the trauma (like CSA). Another common affect is hyposexuality, which is a protective reaction as a result of similar traumas.

CSA doesn't always have to include physical forms, which often makes recovery so frustrating for many Survivors at the beginning. Even if it's mental, emotional, or psychological (abuse and neglect, used to emasculate, dehumanize, debase, or otherwise humiliate), the crux of everything relies on some form of overwhelming sexual dominance.

Gender isn't exclusive, regardless of abuser or victim.

Part of what drives hypersexuality is an addictive need for pleasure, as you're aware. Addiction to sex and pornographic content (even to illegal and extreme categories), tend to be some of the worst-case scenarios to watch out for during recovery.

If you're at the point where you're sexually fantasizing about others, the litmus test is simple: Would the fantasies be considered "safe, sane, and consensual" in the eyes of the general public?

Safe: Not intended to seriously physically harm, maim, or kill either yourself or other parties involved. Not done in an environment or scenario that involves imminent or certain violent life-or-death events.

Sane: No illicit drug use for submission, no mental aberrations, hallucinations, illnesses, or deficiencies. All parties involved must be able to vocalize or otherwise clearly express rational cognitive skills.

Consensual: No acts with parties which are children, underage teenagers, animals, or deceased prior to the act. No drug use, mental or physical duress, threats, violence, abuse, blackmail, forced confinement, or other forms of coercion used to elicit submission or approval.

It's not a complete or thorough set of descriptions, but hopefully it did help provide parameters to start with. Regarding how to get a handle on the matter... relearn to intimately love yourself. What happened to you conditioned your current behaviors, but you have the power to recondition them back to a healthier means of expression.

Sexual desire, sexual energy, even sexual activity, it's a normal and healthy part of being human. While it's also healthy to live by "look, but don't touch", it's not healthy to suppress one of the most critical parts of your health. Serotonin is a major neurotransmitter that doubles as the endorphin for happiness and mood regulation. You don't need much for your brain to start producing it; cuddling, holding hands, hugging, kissing, little things like flirting, they're great for helping you stay positive and focused on healing.

It's perfectly fine to fantasize about others, especially if those fantasies involves SSC and genuine pleasure for all parties involved. But fantasies are just that: they're not real. You can't have Sunday brunch with an illusion.

That being said, fantasies are a much safer way to help us relearn to love others as we want to be loved... as long as we're able to remind ourselves that they'll never be as good as a real person. And that being with another person in a safe, sane, consensual situation is the highest form of trust you can give.

Those are admirable goals to strive for.
 
Are you concerned that it is...somehow wrong because they are people you know? Are you afraid you will become sexually interested in these people and do something inappropriate?

Yes, very much so, to the first question. To the second question I don’t think I would do anything inappropriate, but I feel self-conscious about giving off sexual vibes around them.
 
Emazih, I think everything you said was right and healthy.

One concern but I may just be resisting...

When you say, “If you find yourself at the point of sexually fantasizing about someone...” it sounds like “if you’ve already gone too far.” In other words, try not to do that? Or are you saying that since I am noting these thoughts as intrusive—in other words, “when you notice those sexual thoughts...ask yourself if they are SSC.”

I think that is a good test that I could use. It would not feel right to actively try to conjure up these people in my fantasies but if it happens I will understand that it is part of the process of relearning to be intimate with myself.
 
Do you have a partner? Maybe if you do then substitute them back in to your fantasies.
 
Emazih, I think everything you said was right and healthy.

One concern but I may just be resisting...

When you say, “...

On the contrary, it's quite healthy to fantasize. People do it all the time, usually involving someone we know (or know of). Sometimes it's our current partners, sometimes an ex, sometimes it's a friend, neighbor, coworker, or a complete stranger we pass by on the street.

Fantasies are tools of the imagination, and tools have no intent of "good" or "bad". That intent is purely based on the person having those fantasies at the time. You are the director of the movies inside your mind, you decide who does what -- and you decide what is considered "too far".

That's where the litmus test is essential. It's the safety that helps us become better, more compassionate lovers with future partners.

Fantasies are tools, a means to a better end. Use them, by all means, and use them well.
 
Told myself that it's not okay to fantasize about people in my life.

Why is it not ok? It is simply a fantisy and as long as it is not acted upon (sexual advances toward the person) fanastsies are perfectly fine. People have fantasies about all sorts of things, including sex, and many other things. It's actually quite normal.

T told me that it's acceptable to fantasize about people from the past who are no longer in your life, celebrities, and people in the world who you do not have a close or working relationship with.

Did they also say that it is ok to fantasize about people you are close to? If not they they should have and if they said that was wrong, bad, inapproprate or the like they are wrong.

Maybe that's how it is with lots of the symptoms. Deal with something. Seem to get it "under control".

There's nothing to get under control.

Ok, example from my life. I have MAJOR sexual fantiasies about safe people as well and always have. Today the biggest of those is of my therapist. I struggled with this a lot at first. "No! Wrong! Bad!" But then I told my therapist. We explored this. Slowly. And he had laid some very strict and clear sexual boundries early in therapy when I was massively coming onto him. Yep, that happened. But, when I had told him about these fantasies it was later on when I learned how to follow those boundries. We learned that it is my way to feel safe. To feel loved. And that is ok. It is actually a testimate to how much I trust my therapist and that's a good rhing. It is an intimate relationship really. This erotic transference. But that happens in other relationships as well.

The fantasies will likely change over time. But he gave me "permission", if you will, to have them about him. He said that as long as they stay between me and me and are not acted upon there is zero wrong with any fantasy. That it was ok to help myself feel safe in a way that was familuar to me. And so, I freely allow myself to do so. Also over time. And guess what? Over time (a few years) they indeed did decrease in volume. They still happen in times I feel very unsafe and that is ok. I no longer feel guilty over it. I would never act upon it and it is important to know what is just a fantasy and that you would never act upon it and what is congitive thought patterns that you would act upon. If that makes any sense. But they are your mind's coping stragey to feel safe and as you work through therapy that coping mechanism changes. But they are perfectly acceptable as long as they stay between you and you.
 
I think my “too far” meter is too sensitive.

A person's imagination can be quite powerful. It's not something you can simply "get under control" overnight. Creative outlets (like music, art, writing, acting, gardening, etc.) are similar to working out at the gym, but for your brain.

The only way you get stronger in either case, is to go slow and steady. For that, you have to start learning to take control of the exercises you do.

For that, you have to start learning to trust yourself.

And for that, you have to start exercising. Your T has the experience and knowledge to help calibrate "too far" meter. Rest assured, what you're feeling is normal for this stage of recovery.
 
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