So this is very new to me. I've never been on any kind of forum in my life. And I certainly didn't think I'd be posting on this one. Do people talk about how they have PTSD? I was diagnosed in 2012 with PTSD. A little after with cPTSD too. People say PTSD is with you for life. I thought I was different. I just went through a time of very mild symptoms and thought I must have cured myself through mindfulness and meditation. I was even off medication for the last two years. Managing with therapy, meditation, mindfulness and exercise. A little mild mania or anxiety but for months I had a reprieve. I guess at the least I'm lucky compared to some. But It turns out I'm not special. PTSD has come back and kicked my arse. I'm struggling to think, communicate, nightmares, crying, panic attacks and dissociating, hyper vigilant, isolating, feel safer alone, and just had to end a new relationship. I've had to take time off work again. All because I watched something on Tv that triggered me. I don't have a support network (no friends or family) beyond my therapist and I live alone with my dog. I work in law enforcement so that's not exactly an industry leading the way in terms of support for people with PTSD. My last boss did his best to have me fired because of it.
My idea of socialising is to go to the health food shop and chat with the woman that owns it. Or go to yoga and talk to the instructor before class. Today I cried for 50% of my class. Probably because I saw my therapist today. I asked for some suggestions to aid me in a technique where you imagine your most loved and supportive people all surrounding you and really imagine the love and supportive feelings they give you. Something to draw on in lonely dark times. It's a great resource. IF you have supportive people in your life. I asked her how might I go about this technique given I don't have anyone. She suggested imagining someone entirely new that would give and love and support in all the ways I need. For a second I thought this could work. And I'm sure it probably can. But I broke down at the thought of being so lonely and broken and pathetic that at the age of 37 I have to conjure an "imaginary friend" to feel less isolated, connected and loved . So for the length of my yoga class today I imagined what my new friend would wear. What he would look like, how he would listen to me and what he would say to me in support. And I cried. And I cried. And I cried. On the plus side I have this new imaginary friend. On the negative side I now feel COMPLETELY insane.
My idea of socialising is to go to the health food shop and chat with the woman that owns it. Or go to yoga and talk to the instructor before class. Today I cried for 50% of my class. Probably because I saw my therapist today. I asked for some suggestions to aid me in a technique where you imagine your most loved and supportive people all surrounding you and really imagine the love and supportive feelings they give you. Something to draw on in lonely dark times. It's a great resource. IF you have supportive people in your life. I asked her how might I go about this technique given I don't have anyone. She suggested imagining someone entirely new that would give and love and support in all the ways I need. For a second I thought this could work. And I'm sure it probably can. But I broke down at the thought of being so lonely and broken and pathetic that at the age of 37 I have to conjure an "imaginary friend" to feel less isolated, connected and loved . So for the length of my yoga class today I imagined what my new friend would wear. What he would look like, how he would listen to me and what he would say to me in support. And I cried. And I cried. And I cried. On the plus side I have this new imaginary friend. On the negative side I now feel COMPLETELY insane.