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Is Isolation Really My Destiny?

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Fox

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So this is very new to me. I've never been on any kind of forum in my life. And I certainly didn't think I'd be posting on this one. Do people talk about how they have PTSD? I was diagnosed in 2012 with PTSD. A little after with cPTSD too. People say PTSD is with you for life. I thought I was different. I just went through a time of very mild symptoms and thought I must have cured myself through mindfulness and meditation. I was even off medication for the last two years. Managing with therapy, meditation, mindfulness and exercise. A little mild mania or anxiety but for months I had a reprieve. I guess at the least I'm lucky compared to some. But It turns out I'm not special. PTSD has come back and kicked my arse. I'm struggling to think, communicate, nightmares, crying, panic attacks and dissociating, hyper vigilant, isolating, feel safer alone, and just had to end a new relationship. I've had to take time off work again. All because I watched something on Tv that triggered me. I don't have a support network (no friends or family) beyond my therapist and I live alone with my dog. I work in law enforcement so that's not exactly an industry leading the way in terms of support for people with PTSD. My last boss did his best to have me fired because of it.
My idea of socialising is to go to the health food shop and chat with the woman that owns it. Or go to yoga and talk to the instructor before class. Today I cried for 50% of my class. Probably because I saw my therapist today. I asked for some suggestions to aid me in a technique where you imagine your most loved and supportive people all surrounding you and really imagine the love and supportive feelings they give you. Something to draw on in lonely dark times. It's a great resource. IF you have supportive people in your life. I asked her how might I go about this technique given I don't have anyone. She suggested imagining someone entirely new that would give and love and support in all the ways I need. For a second I thought this could work. And I'm sure it probably can. But I broke down at the thought of being so lonely and broken and pathetic that at the age of 37 I have to conjure an "imaginary friend" to feel less isolated, connected and loved . So for the length of my yoga class today I imagined what my new friend would wear. What he would look like, how he would listen to me and what he would say to me in support. And I cried. And I cried. And I cried. On the plus side I have this new imaginary friend. On the negative side I now feel COMPLETELY insane.
 
I can relate. I've thought several times I've had my shit under control only to learn my shit has a mind of its own no matter how well I feel I'm controlling things. It's a painful dance I've learned to prepare my toes for. I've had to build up my tool box with many things I never thought I'd seek out on a regular basis (thanks to bartering making it possible), like massage therapy, acupuncture, herbal tinctures, breathing techniques, daily purposeful and fun movement, etc.

I have support available if I call upon them and their schedule jives with my needs, but, reaching the point of feeling comfortable in doing so varies with each day. Some days I feel like I can take on the world and comfortably venture out into it. Other days, I can't even stand to have a generic discussion with the hubby or any loved ones about anything. Been there tried MANY meds through the years and suffered even more, so that's no longer an option for me.

You mentioned visiting the health food store and talking to the person who works there. Sounds like one of my favorite past times, too. Even folks who I was once very close to now seem distant as I continue to learn more about myself. Some are clearly not a healthy outlet and I had to decide to let them go. I changed my whole consumption lifestyle in the process, making it even more awkward as much of our social happenings from birth have been designed around food and drink.

I kind of dig the idea of the imaginary friend and may try it out myself. At least I wouldn't have to explain all of my food choices and why I chant and stuff to them. lol I tend to often think of my younger self and how she'd like to be treated, spoken to, etc. throughout my days and that helps a lot. You're definitely not alone in the isolation arena. Being the love we never received is difficult to wrap our hearts and brains around as so many of us have never been taught a healthy version of self-love to begin with.

My bad, I forgot to say welcome!!!! Glad you decided to be a part of the community. :)
 
Welcome... so glad you are here.. we may seem like imaginary friends because you can't see us... but there is a forum full of people who understand and someone is here 24/7. We talk about pretty much everything here. There are some great 'fun' threads if you are in the mood to laugh....
I'm sorry for the reason you are here, but glad you found us.... this is my only PTSD support, tho I have friends in real life... they are clueless when it comes to this part of me... I come here and I am heard and supported....
Nothing wrong with having an imaginary friend.... they always loves us, always understand....

Are you in a situation where you can have a pet? Many of us have rescue dogs.... we sort of save each other... wonderful companions on the days we just can't do people...

Sorry to hear, yet again, that law enforcement has so little tolerance or understanding... but you are not alone here...

Happy you are here !!!
 
I don't have anyone either. Recently some things have helped immensely.

I practise metta everyday (sending loving kindness to self and others) Google it if you wanna try - I just do 4 minutes a day at the end of my meditation.

I write a few sentences in a journal everyday with an intention to reconnect to myself, as mysrlf how I feel, if there's anything I'd like to do etc

Also have spent some time everyday in nature, helps to feel connected to the earth. I actually say hello to the trees and sky and birds (not aloud but hey)

I found a group I can go to every week for survivors of csa (SOSAA)

I found another organisation that I can contact to ask about peer support (mind)

I stopped looking at Facebook so much - drastically reduced my feelings of being lonely

Focusing on the fact that I don't have anyone is guaranteed to have me full of the most painful grief feelings, so I try not to do that and instead focus on tge little ways in which I do feel connected

See if you can start thinking up small steps you can take.

Small steps taken often really add up

Best to you
 
I can relate. I've thought several times I've had my shit under control only to learn my shi...
Thank you so much for replying! Sounds like we have similar tools in our kits. Loving kindness and compassion, loads of herbs. I love science supported tools but always open to new stuff. Brain biology fascinates me. I feel my tools are effective and necessary. I guess I struggle hardest at not having a support network. That's when I feel like I really fall down. But I guess that just brings me back to my tools anyhow. Thank you again ❤️
 
Damn, I feel that.

I do have like 2 friends and a boyfriend, so not exactly. But barely anyone really knows me, cliche as it is, and sometimes the thought you have to make up people in your head to have acceptance is plain depressing.

Welcome to the community, and I hope you can make some friends here, I promise we are not imaginary! Its all real people sitting on the other side of every post in this forum with real issues like yours. I hope that comforts you somewhat, but an imaginary friend is still fine xD :)
 
Welcome. :)

@Bearlinda has offered some really good suggestions. I especially like the small steps reminder. I have to tell myself this constantly so that I don't get ahead of myself and then end up unwinding. My journal and a couple of forums are good for interacting with others and myself in terms of my thinking and then also for some fun (Social forum).

Sorry to hear about your uptick in symptoms. I understand about TV and have to be very careful of what I watch. Also, I am alone as well. I have no one, literally, that I see on a regular basis. Why I have a cell phone is beyond me. For now, it's only to hear back about jobs and to conduct business.

It saddens me and I consider what you are considering quite a lot - Is this forever? Like you, I converse with a lot of "strangers," taking an opportunity to interact when I can. I'm tending toward isolating right now and know it's not a good thing, so I've made an effort to go out each day for a little while if only to take a Sunday drive with one of my stuffed animals and go into the market for fruit or something. I'd like to have a real animal, but can't afford it.

Sometimes, I go for coffee or to the library just to be in the company of others, or I'll go browsing at a store or to the grocery. I've been contemplating going to an Al Anon meeting, but really don't know if a recovery group is what I need right now as I tend to take on the emotions of others, so unless it is a meeting full of recovery it would not be beneficial (not to sound selfish, I just don't have the juice to help others right now and can't afford to be triggered).

I also lean heavily on my faith, but don't feel comfortable in my church right now. It is so huge, with so many people to shake hands with, and the music is so loud, and it's dark in there like a theater... Anyway, many triggers, but I may start looking at another smaller church where I can just go and be. In these times, I tend to turn to nature and prayer. Nature is a good tonic for a lot that goes with CPTSD. I have found it to be very grounding and calming. It helps to get me out of my mind for a moment. I love trees, landscapes, the sky, birds... Can you take your dog on walks or to the park/beach? From what I've seen on TV, dog owners tend to strike up conversations around their dogs. Just a thought?

As far as imaginary friends, sometimes my little one will peek out, but most of the time I hang tight with one of my stuffed animals. I just went out on errands today with one of my kitties. I carry her along with me in a satchel and leave my purse at home. Insane? Well, I've thought about it, but I'm done with labels. I'm just trying to do the best I can with what I have and with what I can handle right now. One day at a time. Best to you. VB
 
I don't have a support network (no friends or family) beyond my therapist and I live alone with my dog. I work in law enforcement so that's not exactly an industry leading the way in terms of support for people with PTSD.

You situation sounds much like mine except I was military. There isn't much I can say to help except perhaps welcome, you are not alone.
 
Thank you so much for all your responses It has helped immensely. While my tool kit is very stocked it's unbelievable how much knowing I'm not the only one helps. I was believing my isolation was due to some fundamental flaw in me or my personality. Now I can see it's PTSD. And I can also see that my "good" periods have been due to isolation from media, TV, Facebook and other social media and avoidance of triggering individuals. Helpful but still lonely long term. I also realise even though I don't have a support network I'm lucky to have my rescue animals of a dog, four chicken and a horse plus living in the countryside but near the ocean. All wonderful grounding things. Thank you all again. You are angels ❤️
 
I don't have anyone either. Recently some things have helped immensely.

I practise metta everyday (...
Thank you Bearlinda. I love your approaches we sound similar! I practice metta too. I can be very helpful! At times like this though I feel so disconnected it becomes intellectual rather than practical and really feeling into it. But I continue to try. I'm lucky to live in a stunning location in a beautiful part of Australia and I try to connect in w nature daily. Animals/nature and music are my joy!

There are no support groups for my situation up here or anything similar unfortunately. That's why I'm here I guess. Thank you so much for for your words time and kindness. Small steps. What a great reminder x
 
Welcome. :)

@Bearlinda has offered some really good suggestions. I especi...
Violetbutterfly! My heart aches that you can't have even a pet. I'm very lucky in that regard. 4 chickens, a horse and dog. All rescues.
Stuffed animals don't poop everywhere so you're on a winner there. Whatever it takes to self soothe that isn't also self destructive.
Like you I find nature so helpful and spend as much time outdoors as possible. Lately has been very difficult as nature has been hard on us down here for a while. A massive cyclone and major flooding meaning that I currently live and work in a natural disaster zone. Particularly where I work it feels and looks very third world. So sad. I'm so lucky I wasn't physically affected.
I feel like I relate to you also so thank you so much for sharing <3
 
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