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Is It All About Materialism??

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J_trustno1

MyPTSD Pro
Where do I start? Maybe partial introduction is necessary here.

It is related to childhood labor, YES!! I was forced to work at the age of 12 by my mother's narcissist brother whom I hate the most! The reason for this was that we came here in this country from my home country at the age of 12. The reason for coming here was that my father was abusive and always belittled me n my mother. This man never supported us financially. It was very difficult to live there when you couldn't even afford vegetables n fruit.. YES, we were vegetarians but that man was cheap enough to afford anything. He believed in saving his money and investing it other than fulfilling our needs. Sometimes I wonder why he even reproduced!

Anyway, So we got here in year 2000, when I was 12. It was my mother's relatives who invited us here. So we owed them our lives from saving us from that man! (yeah, right!! huh).

Moving on, (there is so much to write here). There was yet more to come. Mum's brother disliked for some reason. His daughter was 9 and his son was 7 at that time. He feared that we will outdo his kids in study. So he started bullying me at home. Whenever he would come he would scare me and vent at me to make me cry. I would have to run to my room to shut the door but he would come running after me to take the piss out of me. (Doesn't he sound like psycho to you guys?? I always thought so!). In fear of him, I would avoid him to my best. He would challenge me that I will never do well in Intermediate school and won't learn English. But I proved him wrong so he felt quite bad for it. Then his next goal was for me to start working at the age of 12. Unfortunately, that Friday I felt like eating a poppadom and the ones he sold at his restaurant tasted damn nice. So I asked my mum's sister (We lived in her house when we got here, paid her rent though) for a poppadum. She told me that she's going to that restaurant and I can pick a pack of poppadum from there, I agreed.


(I'll add some more tomorrow). Should sleep now!
 
Thanks dear billie. You are a true sweetheart. I read your dairy and felt sad for what you had to go through. I was feeling a bit off for getting into too much detail in one go. But I will write some tomorrow. Initially I didn't have enough courage to start the diary because of my trusting issues. I still have them. But i will keep things short for now till I start having the confidence in the world especially the cyber world.
 
Today was full of turmoil after having an argument at home. I felt I haven't achieved much in these 14 yrs of my life. Still feeling like a failure and feel as if life is stationary especially when I see their (as discussed above) kids having leisure time and enjoying their holidays + traveling. I've stayed in the same place and still making ends meet. Still not having a job.

Worst thing is I've lost a good friend here. There is no more contact between us. It sucks when you lose people in life. It has happened again. And it seems life isn't a surprise anymore. Everything has been preplanned and it's repeating itself over n over again like the past 14 yrs. Still losing friends, still losing people in life, still making ends meet and still stuck at the same spot. It feels as if you need money to be happy!! (which i believe cannot be true as I still believe money can't buy happiness). But they weighed us with money. The more money you have the more respect you got regardless of how many women he slept with (the narcissist ) I was talking above.

Continuing from yesterday's post....

She asked me to grab the pack of poppadoms from the restaurant while she'll wait for me in her car. So I agreed. I went there to grab the pack. As soon as I entered the restaurant door, she drove her car and left me there. I was confused to what was happening? I didn't know what was behind this entire conspiracy. Later I discovered that it was that bastard, (From now on I will disclose the name I gave him 14 yrs ago,, I called him "Butcher" because the way her tortured me), and her sister's plan for me to be at the restaurant. Yes,, I was honored with a job that day to work as a waitress. My mother was there too. Butcher told me off and told me to read all the instructions he had written for the staff in his work dairy. He asked me to read that 10 pages of notes. Anyway, after that I was told to take an order from customers who came in for dine-in. I can vaguely remember, they ordered drinks which included diet coke and sprite. However, I spelt coke wrong, i didn't know how to spell that. Moving on, butcher then gave me other lecture about manners and how to deal with customers. He threatened my mother earlier. She told me to lie to people about my age and tell everyone that i am 14 still being at the age of 12. I didn't know why i was made to lie about my age. I didn't want to lie about my age and I didn't lie about it because no one asked me about my age there.


I'll come back it tomorrow because not feeling so great about it.
 
Hmm.. had a fair day today. However, learned one of the most important lesson of life today which is no friendship is permanent. As soon as people realise that you can't do the same for them, they abandon you. Or when you become too boring or open up more to people they tend to withdraw. This time it happened on virtual world. I'm having self doubts now. I am back to the same feeling that I have been thrown down the deep end. Hey, I try talking to them but it seems I am not that important anymore and maybe don't provide the support like others. No hard feelings, I should just toughen up and move ahead in life than depending on people. You can't depend on people regardless they are in real life or virtual life. However, this leaves me in a turmoil about future relationships. I feel that my future partner will leave me too or I will not have good friends in future. Starting to feel lonely over some stupid internet friendship (isn't that foolish of me? huh!). But being dumped last year (although, i did find out he was just fooling around with me while having a gf which i got to know this year) and now this friend leaving, it feels people don't value me as much as i value them. I don't know what to look up for and what to conclude from this? Shall I keep positive outlook of life or be stuck in that vicious negative cycle again?
 
Hang in there jess. When we have been abandoned as a child or deprived of the basic needs that children have like love and nurturing, it can be very difficult when a similar thing happens as adults. I struggle with these feelings and I understand and totally relate to the desire to give up on people all together. But please don't.

Try to be strong for your Self so that when you feel like you have been deserted you will know that you are a worthwhile person and it's most likely not personal. Especially in the virtual world. It's hard to see the real life that gets in the way of virtual friendships.

I hope it wasn't me that has left you feeling this way jess, your a great girl and you are valued here.

Good on you for starting your diary. It's a very hard thing to do.
 
Today was a busy day for me. I had to get some financial stuff sorted, apply for jobs and then got a hair cut (layered and they are up to my shoulder length). I get annoyed with long hair for some reason. Long hair just don't let me be myself but with shorter hair I feel the sense of freedom and lighter.

Emotions wise, I was okay but there was this loneliness that has been inbuilt for years now. I felt the need of being with someone close and being able to share my life with them n allow them to share theirs with me. At the same time I had fears of seeing a future relationship which involved being taken for granted, treated like a doormat like my mother was by my father, being verbally and emotionally abused by men like how it has been happening in my mum's side especially. I just can't take that crap anymore. I've had enough of that shit treatment and I can't take it anymore. I deserve respect like anyone else so why shall I put up with this?
It's ironic how I felt little to no self worth last year that I used to put myself down but not so more anymore. However, I still hold that negative view about men and relationships. I just don't know if I can trust men anymore and I don't if I will ever meet someone of an equal frequency to mine. It is very difficult to find that one person in the population of ~7 billion people. Btw internet is the worst place to look for relationships because I've seen bad results in the past. Oh well,, I don't know what the future holds but all I know is that NO MORE OF THAT TREATMENT!!!!
 
Back to square one again!! I hate PMS for making my hormones crazy and making me feel sad over the past again n again!! :( very mad and sad at the same time. I hate it when I want to move forward but my fears and insecurities won't let me. I'm scared about the future over and over again! I feel that I need to share every single detail about my past to the future person or else I am cheating him! I know it sounds ridiculous. I feel he needs to know that I was molested at the age of 9 by my mum's brother-in-law!! huh!! I hate this family tbh!! This dark past makes me feel dirty about myself, I feel no one will understand me in future, he will judge my character based on this!! I hate these self doubts and what ifs, I hate it!! I'm feeling very impure right now and I don't know how many tears it will take to wash this guilt out my life. I hate it when a child is abused! I am so damn confused whether he will need to know about this??
 
(hugs) billie. I was crying earlier over this billie. I start feeling dirty over that one incident that I shed tears because of it. Sadly I cried today. I feel the person will blame me for it. That incident only happened once where he touched me but I was lucky enough to run away before being raped!! But still that act of his was shameful enough. I wish I could castrate that bastard!! Seriously, men like this should be castrated! f*cking hate these bastards!! I want him to rot in hell, for the child abusers not just mine!!
 
Gosh, my anxiety is building up. I'm very damn stressed. All the credit goes to my brother and that butcher's ex-wife for making nasty comments about. I'm having horrible time and lost in what to do. Secondly, my period started a week earlier than it normally would've started. It is all due to the elevated stress during this month from all sorts of things. First being no job, second people commenting on my relationship status and then my brother n this butcher's ex-wife. Argh!! my life is feeling like hell right now. I can't sleep at night and my brain is working at a 150 km/hr all day making me thing too much. I keep thinking at night that I can't even get to sleep even when I do sleep, i have broken sleep or nightmares. It feels as if my antidepressants have stopped working. Damn it!!! I don't want to change medication. And now these cramps!! I hate my life right now. I know that i am exaggerating but I'm mentally not stable right now!
 
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