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Is It Me Or Is It Him? Please Someone Shed Some Light.

Discussion in 'Supporter Relationships' started by re0916, Apr 8, 2011.

  1. re0916

    re0916 New Member

    Thank goodness I have found this forum. I have spent hours reading and I am starting to wonder does he have the PTSD or is it me? I get so angry with him, at the smallest thing, I almost go into a tantrum state when he doesn't understand my point. He shuts down emotionally sometimes, but most of the time he constantly needs the reminder that I love him, and wants to be shown affection. Except sometimes this annoys me, and gets on my nerves.

    I have been abused by past partners and think maybe it is me who has the PTSD? (Anyone's thoughts)

    I have recently gone off my depression medicine due to lack of insurance and I am really starting to feel like I am losing it. I snap at everyone and everything. He is the one that is supposed to have PTSD, yet he can walk away when I get like this, and I go and attack even worse, and follow him. I say such hurtful things sometimes, and most often regret them later.

    Can someone help me and add some insight for me?

    I have recently been laid off, I moved across the United States to get married to him, and left all my friends and family, and I am telling you all this so you have some background on me. He on the other hand was in the military says he has PTSD, and the VA is going to test him in about another month. I feel like perhaps he fakes it, and tell him so. I don't mean to be cruel to him, but he seems like he constantly needs to tell people what is wrong with him, and I believe he does it to get attention.
  2. The Albatross

    The Albatross A product of decisions rather than circumstances Premium Member

    In my case it was me that has the PTSD. My husband shuts down emotionally when he is frightened. Something in his family of origin that has made our relationship more difficult because of the different parenting styles. Mine was an emotive, high volume volcanic erruption. His was neglect and simmering bickering. When I trigger and get a rage response, he shuts down. I have begun to understand this and there are cues now that I can see when this occurs.

    Most often, it is hard (also past abuse issues childhood and an ex husband) for me to express when I'm disturbed. I want something, but don't know how to make my wants/needs known in words. For years, I found I ramped up a lot of frustration because I thought my spouse was doing this to me. But have changed this opinion in the last couple of years because I found for myself that it was dangerous and threatening to ask or communicate and risk being vulnerable.

    I am coming to terms with that now, and try to resist breaking over him like a tidal wave when I start getting the cues. Pause is something that helps. I take a time out and retreat, giving him space to feel safe. The retreat also gives me time to process what is going on and what the heck I'm trying to express.

    Your post though has other competing issues and I'm just throwing them out there so that you can consider finding support. Going of your meds, is best done only under your doctor's supervision. Perceptually you are in chemical withdrawl. Please see your doctor.

    Unemployment is a big stressor and for me that touches off safety and security issue, anxiety too and contributes to depression. Maybe not the best time to go off your meds, depending on your diagnosis.

    You are not physically near your family, but with skype, the world is a smaller place. You made a choice to marry and come to the states. Try to be accountable for your choice and look for ways to be more connected to your family because what I hear you saying is that you need or want their support and are feeling semi isolated from them.

    Nothing is to be gained by instigating a dispute with your partner. I tend to be like you describe your partner. When I talk or write it helps me with my PTSD because I have to slow down my thoughts long enough to put them into words. It is a way to stop the fireworks in my brain, and help me process what I am thinking. Sort of like changing the speed of a record from 78 to 33. My husband initially didn't support me. Not only didn't it help, I became depressed and suicidal. I also became violent and when I snapped I punched my way through the door that had our guns in it because I couldn't find the key. I didn't even know I'd broken my 4th metacarpal until 3 days later. Nothing good comes from me attacking my partner to the point of shut down.

    I get twisted up when I've got too much stuff going on. I do better at managing though, when I can separate the competing issues and slow them down to one or two at a time so they don't overwhelm me and trigger me to fight. When I trigger I feel like I'm fighting for my life, just like I was for my worst trauma. I try to think of that old joke, "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time."
  3. AngelaMarie

    AngelaMarie One moment at a time is the best I can do! Premium Member

    Welcome to the forum!

    I can not tell you which has PTSD on the information you have provided. Maybe both? Maybe one? There are some articles on here that tell you more about the condition and what causes it. Self-diagnosis is not a good idea. I do think it's great that he is getting looked at next month for the condition. Maybe that will give you more understanding.

    I moved to Europe over 13 years ago to get married and left everything I knew. It was so very hard I can not even describe it. I wonder if you feel trapped and lonely? Also, going off the medication is difficult.

    You have alot going on and I just want to wish you well and I am glad you are here.:p

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