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Is it ok not to have friends?

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I have no intention of interfering with their lives, it isn't my business.
Fair warning... if you know she’s cheating on him, and choose to lie to him and keep him in the dark? Expect to be on his enemies list when he finds out.

Once you know someone is being hurt, being silent is a choice.

I’d also look at whether or not your lying and hiding her betrayals for her is an extension of your own DV & abuse.

ETA... I’m just about furious with your former friend. Assholes like her who target DV victims, because they know they’ll keep abusers secrets, and who has so little respect for you she plans to parade her husband around your HOME, expecting you to pretend and keep quiet like a good little door mat who knows her place, disrespecting you in. your. own. home. :mad: Oh I’m just so damn furious for you.
 
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I e asked myself the same thing you mentioned about wanting to know if one is a magnet for people with “issues.”

To be honest, I think I have picked poorly at times. I always like to help people and on some level I know I pulled myself out of the ditch as a young person and led a good life, even in my DV late in life. But I find I give people too much rope, I forgive early warning signs and I need to do better about this. This gal cited racism in her community as the reason she had few friends...now that I have barely come to know her I see that is far from the issue, she has a lot of serious problems.

if you know she’s cheating on him, and choose to lie to him and keep him in the dark? Expect to be on his enemies list when he finds out.

Yes, I would agree and I accept that outcome. But I have found interfering "however right" I may be does not justify upsetting 2 entire family units. And this is not my first "rodeo" unfortunately....and have seen the fallout. To be blunt, in my experience the cheated on spouse knows there is a problem and is looking away. Not everyone one wants "to know" from my experience.

Also there is a bit of self protection, her consort is the police chief and very upstanding in the community. He is tall, handsome...and she is obese and crippled. I am not being mean but their affair is rather shocking, i can't explain entirely but I feel afraid of him now, something is seriously wrong with the guy. I suspect he has a sick power play as he has a lovely wife, wonderful kids, charmed life from the outside.

Sorry, I do not want to mess with him. When she first told me all of this I nearly didn't believe her and she indicated it was in the past but quickly it came clear it is true and ONGOING. I am pissed she saddled me with this knowledge.

I’d also look at whether or not your lying and hiding her betrayals for her is an extension of your own DV & abuse

hmm, interesting take, I will have to think on this. I think with her you hit it on the head, I feel she and I have DV elements brewing. Yuck.

Assholes like her who target DV victims, because they know they’ll keep abusers secrets, and who has so little respect for you she plans to parade her husband around your HOME, expecting you to pretend and keep quiet like a good little door mat who knows her place, disrespecting you in. your. own. home. :mad: Oh I’m just so damn furious for you.

THANK YOU! This is something I have felt, she is taking advantage of me and my newness to the area. I shut her down early on from discussing her ongoing involvement as I didn't want to hear it but it seemed clear she equates my "secret" with hers! Mine is not a secret but I see no reason to advertise. There is a difference! Secrets were part of my DV and I hated it so much. I want to live open like I did before my DV.

I feel my supposed friendship with her has more of a DV slant, incessant lying to me/others, violating my boundaries. With her I need to push back on my co-dependence.

She even once indicated she was "covering" for ME so that people wouldn't ask me about my ex and it made me angry I told her I would deal with that and anyone can ask me anything. I really dislike her attempting to put us in the same category, like she and I against everyone else.

And she is stalking me again. 3x this week showing up unannounced at my house. Yes, I asked her ages ago to stop this. First time i sent her away, second I didn't answer and this time I didn't answer but she SAT IN MY PARKING LOT until I was jostling the window shades cleaning and came running up!

I confronted her, she started lying brutally like a child, she will look me in the eye and said this is the "first time she stopped by" (when I confronted her just a few days ago at my door?!) and then she says we had plans. She lies like a little kid, say it enough and it must be true? Honestly I think it has become a habit, she lies so much she does it automatically and can't keep her stories straight.

I shut her down, didn't want to hear it. I told her she is not welcome, I do not want her to come by anymore. I made her repeat it and sent her away as she likes to pretend things weren't said....

I'm starting to get really angry, she needs to leave me alone.
 
You are so right, they eventually reveal themselves. I was very happy to start socializing and I thin...
She sounds like the kind of gal that sees a nice patient person who kindly listens to people and their stories but doesn't gossip and she's taking advantage of this nice person, YOU. She's toxic. Stand up for yourself, don't let her get away with her manipulative shenanigans and stay the hell away from her. What she is doing is not Ok and yes we all have issues, but she can't use that as an excuse. She obviously needs to do the right thing and be up front with her husband, but right now, she's trying to cover it all up with lies and manipulation.
 
She's toxic. Stand up for yourself

stay the hell away from her.

I am doing my best to do just that. I felt sorry for her early on but her behaviors are just getting....weird. I want her to stay away and she will because I am done with her. Given her unreal level of lying lately, I am starting to question a lot of things she had said/did.

In any event, I don't want to know. And I do know she is toxic...very toxic and damaged.

She is my "wake up" for taking friendships slower and testing the waters. I was excited to befriend someone, just out of my DV and I should have been more cautious.
 
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