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Is It Ok To Get Angry At Other People?

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Meadowsweet

MyPTSD Pro
Lately I keep coming across people who have got angry at others, and remain completely unapologetic afterwards because they seem to feel that their anger is ok and it's justifiable for them to express it at others.

I know that it's unhealthy to suppress anger and it is healthy to accept that we are angry and to find a way to release it. So I know that feeling anger can be perfectly justified. But when people use their anger to have a go at others that seems so wrong to me (other than extreme circumstances, like being in physical danger)

People sometimes blow in the moment and don't manage to control their anger. It happens, and I can empathise with that. But when that happens and the anger has subsided, I would look at that as something I didn't want to keep repeating - and look at ways to manage the anger better and maybe apologise if it's appropriate.

What I can't understand is the attitude that it is acceptable to angrily rant at a specific person or group of people. Or that it is ok to do that and that it is justified for them to do that. The justification seems to be that they are annoyed or hurt by the way someone else has treated them, and that makes it ok for them to hurt others.

If everybody felt that way, it would be back and forth and never-ending. The person getting angry obviously doesn't feel that it's ok for others to hurt them (otherwise they wouldn't feel anger) so what makes it ok for them to hurt others?

Unless you or someone you're protecting is in physical danger, is it ever ok to express anger directly towards others?
 
Ah Ha! Moment...

I notice when I get overly stressed and my anxiety is at an all time high my anger tends to flair. Unfortunately my venting is unhealthy as my selected targets, there are many, seem to be very dangerous! I won't give examples as they can be construed as negative thinking that could have me hospitalized.

How I overcome these is realizing is: 1. there is no basis for this irrational thinking and 2. The threats involved are empty and void of action (empty threats) and are a behavior from previous trauma which is inherited within my DID system. At least by writing this as I am with this response I am aware of this issue which is a way of coping with this major issue. I can't change this behavior easily and every time I get stressed this seems to be a repetitive pattern.
 
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I think it is OK to express anger toward others, but there are healthy ways to do it and then there are unhealthy ways. A healthy way would involve something perhaps upon the lines of using "I" statements to say "I feel angry when you XYZ" whereas an unhealthy way of expressing anger would involve screaming and being emotionally abusive toward the other person.

I know that a lot of people feel quite justified in their anger ranting. My mother is one who will direct her anger at you and rant about something totally random, but when you say "please stop yelling AT me" she says "I'm not, I'm just ranting" HMPH. Her attitude is that it is everyone else's fault for not being able to take it. (She had this same attitude when defending her father, my grandfather, when he would do his angry ranting and people decided to distance themselves from him because they just couldn't take the angry ranting anymore.)

So yes, I think there are healthy AND unhealthy ways of expressing anger. I think that maybe what you're talking about is more along the lines of yelling, raised voice, or screaming type of expression of anger? In that case, then no, I don't think its appropriate. Well, raised voice CAN be OK at times as long as it's not abusive in nature, but I don't think that yelling or screaming at someone is appropriate.

I know I am guilty of expressing my anger toward others in unhealthy ways, but I am now more cognizant of it and make sure that I apologize when I act inappropriately. I know it doesn't make up for the fact that I acted that way in the first place, but it's a start. I am also trying to be more aware of how I express my anger. As of late I've been quite angry as a part of the grieving process, but I am VERY surprised that I haven't directed my anger at anyone. Ok, so I have become a bit frustrated with people, and I know that my frustration shows at times, but I don't show anyone the full force of my anger. At the most I am like "eff this" or "eff that" in my head, so nobody can hear my ranting. Well, unless they have ESP lol.
 
Anger is just an emotion. It's what we do with it that matters. It generally isn't healthy to totally ignore it and repress it. It never really goes away when we do that. But it's also not ok to be verbally abusive or rude or dump on people.

Anger can be fuel to assertively ask and seek change in respectful ways - but it's not an excuse to be a jerk to others.
 
A healthy way would involve something perhaps upon the lines of using "I" statements to say "I feel angry when you XYZ"

I think that maybe what you're talking about is more along the lines of yelling, raised voice, or screaming type of expression of anger?

I think you make an important distinction here between 'I' statements and 'him, her, them, you....' statements. The 'I' statement somehow shows that the angry person is taking ownership for their own anger, it demonstrates some awareness of being self-responsible for their actions/reactions.

Whereas the second/third person statements are giving other people responsibility for the anger and the reactions the angry person has to it. It shows that the person doesn't recognise the culpability for their own actions. And recognising that we are responsible for our own actions, is what enables us to self regulate and choose not to damage others. It's this need to self-justify by placing blame on others that bothers me.

Like you Solara, I do it in my head, but the distinction is maintained between me feeling that way, and somebody else needing to take responsibility or have my feelings dumped on them.

I think, my sensitivity to this is that lack of self-responsibility/culpability along with blame and self-justification are the king-pins of habitual abuse. The abuser can keep abusing because they find reasons why it is ok for them to do that, even if they believe that it's not ok for others - like their circumstances make it different for them.

So i think when I see this happening, it sounds sirens in my head of 'potential abuser'.
 
It depends on the language used. I think it's ok to express annoyance, as long as it isn't an attack like using the words "YOU wasted my time you f***ing ****", but rather "THIS was a total waste of time" ;)

It's also ok to express anger, but learning to do that in a way that doesn't hurt others is an artform. Most people find anger really scary, and I think that is something that people may also need to learn to adapt to because society teaches us that anger is an unacceptable "negative" emotion, when in reality it is just another human emotion that deserves expression like all the others do, but it's not easy, especially if some have grown up around angry people who were violent towards them. That can make it very hard to adjust to anyone else that isn't their family, being angry.

Just my opinion. I was brought up in a family where I wasn't allowed to get angry, and as a result, I became very depressed, which is what happens when a person is made to suppress their natural feelings of anger or annoyance. That isn't healthy. It's healthy to express every feeling...it's the way you do it and the language that is used that determines whether you are being abusive, rude, bullying etc..Definately yelling and screaming is unacceptable.
 
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I think it is important to realize that the person who is angry is the one who owns that anger. I know I was a sponge at taking on other people's anger and I am now able to allow them to own it without cowering. It was a process though.
 
Anger is like everything else. It can be healthy the same as it can be abusive. It is all about balance. Balance combined with intelligence determines the outcome. Anger is a healthy tool. Anger is pain. Pain that can be used for many worthy causes.

As a child I found anger useless. And an excuse for them to abuse me more. I had to think fast on my feet. I couldn't control the idiots in my environment. I could out think them. :) IMO Anger is what made them idiots. I could only protect myself. That I did!
 
I think it is important to realize that the person who is angry is the one who owns that anger.

Very important! The cycle of abuse thrives on anger. My abuse had nothing to do with me. The idiots feed off each other. It wasn't my fault I was born. It is not my fault what I look like and God knows I didn't want to F the males in my family! Looking back...in some ways I probably should have refrained from calling them idiots. Then again...it is literally the reason for my peace/piece..LOL of mind.
 
I was brought up in a family where I wasn't allowed to get angry, and as a result, I became very depressed, which is what happens when a person is made to suppress their natural feelings of anger or annoyance. That isn't healthy. It's healthy to express every feeling..

I was brought up this way too, and I agree about suppressed feelings causing depression. But at the same time, I think it is a worthwhile skill to be able to not blow up at people angrily, and although my suppression went to far as a child, I'm glad to have that skill.

When I feel like firing off at somebody, I do it by writing down all those horrible thoughts I'm having and swearing to my hearts content. I write because it helps me to get to the issue that is causing me pain, so it deals with my anger. But I don't aim those feelings at another person, because I don't want to hurt them.

.it's the way you do it and the language that is used that determines whether you are being abusive, rude, bullying etc..Definately yelling and screaming is unacceptable.

This seems like shaky ground to me. People can be extremely nasty, damaging and abusive based on their blame and anger, whilst not swearing or shouting. The same thinking is behind it - that somebody else should be hurt, because the angry person is hurting.

I was a sponge at taking on other people's anger and I am now able to allow them to own it without cowering.

I'm getting better at it.

Anger is like everything else. It can be healthy the same as it can be abusive. It is all about balance. Balance combined with intelligence determines the outcome. Anger is a healthy tool. Anger is pain. Pain that can be used for many worthy causes.

What does this look like in practical terms?
 
I don't think that everyone who expresses anger or annoyance is necessarily wanting or meaning to hurt anyone...they are just expressing themselves. Intent is everything. I guess we will have to agree to disagree here.

I never said that blowing up at people is ok. Expressing anger in a way that doesn't entail yelling or screaming is an important skill to learn. I usually go punch a pillow or journal as well. I don't think I've had an explosive episode for about 10 years now, and the last one was under extreme duress and very difficult circumstances.

What was shaky about what I said when mentioning language and the way it is used in my previous post? Of course people can be nasty in many overt and covert ways, without yelling and screaming, but I was speaking about a person expressing their anger in a healthy way, making it about how a behaviour makes them feel and not attacking the other person with words like "you".

This is why I don't get it when people tell someone else that they are attacking them online when they cannot actually hear tone of voice, or see the persons face or body language...which are all key factors as to whether someone is being passive aggressive or otherwise being nasty without actually yelling or screaming.

Sure, sarcasm could be definitely a way for someone to direct anger at a person, and then absolve themselves of any damage done, saying it's "just humour", but beyond that it is usually the receiver making meaning and hearing tone that may not necessarily be there. In person it's much easier to read...online it's much easier to misconstrue. If a person is calling someone names then clearly that is being abusive, but just getting angry about something isn't necessarily done with the intention to hurt anyone.

It probably is a better idea to stop and take a minute and go somewhere else to breathe or journal or do whatever you have to do to avoid exploding...but if anger comes up and it's not expressed by verbal abuse or taunts or sarcasm then how can it be something the person is trying to hurt someone else with?
 
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Anger is a human emotion. It needs to be expressed. I was too afraid to show anger. I went the other way...fearless. (Fearless and terrified at the same time!) While it caused me more abuse. It was worth it. I hid in closets like everyone else. Out of sight out of mind. You never knew when they would go off. Its the best any child can do in those/these circumstances. I was the tattletale. The narc. The dumb one who stood up to psychopaths. I wouldn't change it for the world!:joyful:

I understand anger. I understand they were mentally ill. My siblings didn't have the courage to stand up to them. I do and did. Unfortunately and no nu nada zero fault of mine... that left me experiencing the brunt of their anger as well. I will always know they are cowards. Period. I don't/didn't take anything they did to me personally. It wasn't about me in the first place. It was/is their inability to control their anger. That's my gift for enduring their abuse. A beautiful one at that! I am currently looking for the same thing I was looking for as a child. Ending the cycle of abuse. My young self stood up to them and my adult self can make a difference. The dysfunction in my family was too deep the best I can do is join a cause and be another person trying to end the cycle of abuse.
 
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