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Relationship Is It Possible For A Carer To Adapt?

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Shadowofdoubt

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I have been reading a lot about the pushing away and isolating that sufferers tend to do, and relate to the "walking on eggshells", not knowing if you should contact them or not, etc. etc. I have greatly appreciated all the input from both sides.

I know everyone is different in how they deal with things, I'm just curious if there are carers that have been able to adapt to the sufferer's cycles and not take it personally when they dis-connect and push away. (Much easier said then done).

It may be wishful thinking on my part but I have hopes of continuing a gaming friendship online with a sufferer and want to know what I can do/ what I shouldn't do, to make it work out. Maybe someone can teach me the trick of emotionally detaching :). It's like I need to pretend I don't care, when I really do.
 
Hi @Nera. I'd be tempted to say it's more that you learn how to cope as it's not a lifestyle I'd like to adapt to. I'm 7 years in and thankfully, aside from extraordinary circumstances, it's fine for the greater part as otherwise I guess I wouldn't still be around.
 
I'm working on coping. The next step, though, will be letting go. Sometimes it all seems so foolish, since mine was only an online friendship, but the feelings are real, non- the-less.

I have been expecting him to come around and " snap out of it" but it hasn't happened yet. I am going to send him another "real life" card this week, more-so for my sake, I guess. I just need to know I've tried my best to offer support and let him know I care.

I wrote a poem I'm gonna send, and wanted to share it:

I can accept you need your space
And sometimes just really can't "feel"
And aren't able to control your reactions
When I seem to make things too real

I can give you some understanding
Even when things make no sense to me
I can wait for your "storm" to pass
To when it's a bit clearer for you to see

I can have compassion for your struggles
And forgive the times you may lash out
I can learn to lessen what triggers
And what PTSD's all about

But I can't stop myself from trying
To support you as you try to mend
And I can't stop my heart from caring
I hope one day you'll trust I'm a friend.
 
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I have been expecting him to come around and " snap out of it" but it hasn't happened yet.

Just wanted to say... When you get PTSD, you are reborn as a new person. The rebirth has some very severe side effects. Eventually, the side effects may be overcome. For many that will be decades in the future (if at all). Often side effects do not show until something triggers them the first time. they were always there. The trigger just wasn't there.

However, the new person that they have become can never go back to what they originally were. Further damage can drive the person on to more rebirths, but it is a one way process.

So "snap out of it" is a very dicey way of thinking.

Bear
 
Thanks for the response bigbear, I didn't mean I expected him to snap out of the PTSD, I meant more-so the recent episode he's been going through where he has shut me out. I have only known my friend on-line (gaming) for the past 6 months, he had opened up in beginning and told me he had PTSD.

This forum has been a HUGE eye-opener on what PTSD does to a person. It was so hard to understand his behavior and how he could become so cold so quick ...and I reacted to that like anyone who doesn't understand would: hurt, angry, and confused.

I'm hoping now that I have a better understanding that maybe our friendship can be salvaged, and I'm hoping he may be open to that once his stress cup settles. That is what I meant by the words "snap out of it".
 
I'm a sufferer myself. I know you mean well, but if I was in a bad place, this poem might just make me feel worse in that so many perceived flaws are pointed out. Sometimes less is more. Perhaps just tell him you're here for him and leave it at that.
 
I have PTSD and my ex, I suspect, had it too. He was the one who behaved like this man. As @Solara says, well-intentioned as your poem is, I wonder if it would not just make him angry. I know my ex would explode if I wrote something like that. Solara's suggestion is a good one. And it is great that you understand PTSD better now.

I also wonder if your poem doesn't also sort of say you'd be prepared to put up with bad behaviour from him. It is one thing understanding why it happens, but saying it is ok to treat your partner like that isn't maybe the best thing to do, in my view. But you know this guy best of all of us.

My ex hated that he had confided in me in ways he had not confided in anyone else. He evidently felt disempowered by it, and had major trust issues. He would come close, tell me stuff (without me asking), then feel insecure and claim I had forced it out of him, then he'd run, and then he'd be back and the same thing happened again. I know, because he told me, that he was aware of this pattern and hated it in himself, but it was never going to work if he wouldn't seek help for his problems. Really in the end, the only thing you can do, is wait for him to decide what he wants, and then see whether you are happy then, if you are even still around, with what he offers you. It sounds like you got too close (for him), and he needs this 'unreal' space to unwind and escape his real-world problems, and there you are, knowing what is really going on, and he feels constrained by it.

If he values your friendship, maybe he will suggest another 'venue' for your relationship, but I'm not sure it's going to work you being part of his 'unreal' and 'real worlds simultaneously.

I do hope things work out for you.
 
I so much appreciate that you responded solara and echo, cause that is what I need, someone who might better understand the space he is in. I'm bummed now because I sent out that poem already, yesterday afternoon.

Ugh. Last night I went into the game and onto teamspeak, as one of our other gaming friends was on. Well, HE (sufferer-S) ended up coming into teamspeak and joined the game. First time He'd done that in a while. I asked the first gaming friend to ask S if he would prefer I left and was told it was fine if I stayed, so that was nice. S ended up not staying long at all ( rage quitting...that is a whole other subject...I believe this video game triggers him). It was a big relief to at least know he is okay.

So I wish I never sent that out now. I still don't know how to handle it all...Just be quiet and see how it plays out is all I can really do. Again thanks greatly for your responses, and feel free to share anymore insight you may have.
 
Nera,

What's done is done. The best thing you can always do is to act like a friend. Drop thinking about the poem unless S brings it up. S needs people who can accept him.

Bear
 
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