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Relationship Is It Unreasonable Of Me To Expect To Know What's Going On In Our Relationship?

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Wastinglight

MyPTSD Pro
I'm someone who believes that neither partner in a relationship should be in the dark on what the other person's intentions and vision of the future of the relationship are.

Lately, I have often felt frustrated because I don't know what's going on his head, with respect to the short term future of our relationship. Since, we became serious, he has always maintained that he considers this to be a long-term relationship and says he's committed to me. We talked about marriage recently - I told him exactly how I feel about that, and what I would like to happen. I was expecting to then hear his thoughts on the matter, but nope, as always, he is vague and non-committal whenever we talk about anything specific.

As for me moving in permanently, I'm still wondering whether he will ever ask me to. He still hasn't contacted DVA to enquire whether our relationship will impact on his benefits. I've mentioned it a few more times, but I don't want to nag him about it. It's his responsibility, after all. He seems to think that simply having me staying at his house every night is a massive commitment in itself.

The last time we discussed these matters, I made it clear that I wasn't trying to push him, I just wanted a better idea of where I stood with him. He made a stupid joke about me standing in the kitchen - he oftens makes dumb jokes instead of just answering the question. Every now and then, he even makes totally inappropriate jokes that seem a bit callous, and make me wonder just how important our relationship is to him

It's confusing, because the times that he actually does give me a straight answer, he says that he wants the same thing that I do (in general), but it's like he's allergic to talking about specifics.

Am I asking too much of him to request an 'update' on where we're at with our relationship?

I don't want him to feel pressured, but it's not like I keep bringing it up - the only times we've discussed it is when it comes up naturally in conversation. And we should be able to talk about this stuff, right? I don't want to have to shut the conversation down every time, just in case he feels uncomfortable. Hell, he feels uncomfortable talking about anything serious....

Yes, fear of commitment is definitely an issue for him, but I often find myself at a loss about how to handle these situations in an appropriate way.
 
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I would discuss it directly in terms of my needs. The non-negotiable part.

If you want an example of this, my partner (as a supporter) might tell you this one.

B needs me to be reasonably easy to contact. This is something that is difficult on multiple symptom levels for me. It's something I struggle with constantly, and I'm dysfunctional in nearly every arena with communication/being reachable. But it's non-negotiable for him. I have to reasonably accomodate his need to reach me or his need for me to check in when traveling.

We've worked on it. I'm not perfect, but I'm massively better. To be honest, my progress has been years in the making. I have ups and downs, but the ups are much more consistent this past year or so.

I would say you need feedback on the specifics of his foreseeable goals within your relationship.

As I'm sure you know, many suffers don't feel like a future exists or have trouble connecting meaning to the idea of looking forward in time. Maybe it's difficult for him to pin down goals, what's valuable to him that he wants to further as he moves forward, etc. But those factors don't change your needs. Your needs are your needs. You're allowed to have them, and you deserve to be able to share them.
 
You could discuss it directly in terms of my needs. The non-negotiable part.

Thanks for phrasing the issue in this way, it's helped me clarify my thoughts on the issue.

Thinking more about it, I have also realised that I have internal pressures going on in my head that make me want to seek reassurance that moving in is actually going to happen pretty soon. Specifically, my anxiety disorder creates a strong need to feel secure in relationships - to the point of being a bit clingy sometimes. Plus there's probably some 'shoulding' going on as well ie. self-talk like "You've been together almost a year, you should have moved in by now."

I have to remember to keep these internal factors in mind when I consider this issues.

As I'm sure you know, many suffers don't feel like a future exists or have trouble connecting meaning to the idea of looking forward in time. Maybe it's difficult for him to pin down goals, what's valuable to him that he wants to further as he moves forward, etc.

Yep, I'm definitely aware of this, but I find it very hard to get my head around.

He may simply not be able to identify or articulate how he feels about the future.

:hug:

Good point. This has occurred to me as well and I suspect you're dead right. The problem is, i really have no idea what to do with that knowledge. Just thinking about it makes me sad. And fearful.
 
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He may not have intentions and visions of the future, at least not like you do.

Your relationship seems to have disconnects on many levels.
 
Your relationship seems to have disconnects on many levels.

That could well be true. But there are many levels on which we are solid. I am sure that this relationship has enough of a solid foundation that it's worth pursuing.

It could be that he just needs more time. He has come such a long way in the last few years. It's not inconceivable that he will be able to overcome his fear of commitment (assuming that's what this is about and he doesn't have concerns about ME - in which he should be talking to me about it).

The main thing I'm struggling with is how to act in a way that encourages open communication between us in a supportive and loving way, while at the same time communicating my own needs clearly. Sometimes it feels like everything I say is wrong when we discuss important relationship stuff.
 
Sometimes it feels like everything I say is wrong when we discuss important relationship stuff.

Then he may just not be ready to be in one. Difficulty in communication will crop up here and there even once someone has done enough work to manage in a relationship. But if you can't discuss these things that's a sign. And accommodation within reason (being aware of communication style techniques for mitigation) is one thing but trying to figure out how to bend over backwards to keep him comfortable isn't going to help anyone.
 
@Wastinglight - :hug: if you accept them. I really feel for you because I don't have an anxiety disorder - just the usual human need for love and reassurance - and I have found the uncertainty of a PTSD relationship very hard.

My vet has talked about getting married, talked about living on our property for the rest of our lives, but has also threatened to leave at the drop of a hat on many occasions.

Even in trivial things it will depend on his mood. My car needs work. Initially he said that I could borrow his car to get to work while mine was at the mechanic. Then his anxiety levels came up and he said he doesn't want me driving his car ever again. (Suddenly I am not a good enough driver.) It can work the other way too. I'm flying to my homestate next month. Initially he said I would have to drive myself to the airport and pay for parking there while I was away because he couldn't face a 5 hr round trip. Then a few weeks later he offered to drive me.

Its hard feeling like I can't rely on him and I need a Plan B all the time. I am considering some elective surgery and I feel like I can't rely on him to look after me as it might make his stress cup overflow. I don't really have a Plan B for that one so I'm not sure whether to pursue the idea of surgery or just put up with my symptoms. Sigh!

I've learnt not to ask him about the future because whatever he says now may not apply in ten minutes when his stress cup overflows.:(
 
Thanks heaps for the hugs @Sighs, and I hope that things are going well with you and your man.

Yes, my anxiety does throw a spanner in the works - I am aware that I would have difficulties in any relationship because of it - GAD tends to make the sufferer overly needy somemtiems and there are times when I'm so anxious that no amount of reassurance is enough, so I suspect that I would feel insecure in any relationship, no matter what my partner said or did. One thing I am glad about is that my guy no longer enables my neediness (by my own request), which helps me in my recovery, because it forces me to stand on my own two feet and face my demons, and learn not to continually seeking the 'crutch' of reassurance.

My guy has never said that me that he's changed his mind about our relationship or his commitment to it (which is not to say he doesn't think it though!), he just tends not to want to talk about important stuff at all if he can help it, so I'm left in the dark as to whether his timeframes for tangible commitment (ie moving in, marriage) are similar to mine. It doesn't sit well with me, because I don't like making assumptions about what's going to happen, I want to be sure. I guess that's something I'm just going to have to get used to with him. Uncertainty scares the hell out of me though.

I totally get what you mean about not feeling you can rely on them - when I sprained my ankle, at one point I actually thought he was going to ask me to move back to my unit while i healed (which has a very steep driveway and a long flight of steps, very difficult to navigate by myself!).

And accommodation within reason (being aware of communication style techniques for mitigation) is one thing but trying to figure out how to bend over backwards to keep him comfortable isn't going to help anyone.

Yes, I totally agree Kefira, but to be clear, I don't try to bend over backwards to accommodate him. If an opportunity arises to discuss an issue that I want to explore further, I always take it, even though I know it makes him uncomfortable. I put his discomfort in the basket of His Stuff. I wish there was a way that we could discuss important relationship issues in a way that he was comfortable with, but that's not entirely under my control. I guess I was asking if anyone had any tips on how to approach issues differently that would make him feel a little less 'confronted' by relationship chats e.g. phrasing questions a different way.
 
If an opportunity arises to discuss an issue that I want to explore further, I always take it, even though I know it makes him uncomfortable. I put his discomfort in the basket of His Stuff
Really refreshing and good to hear :)/.

I guess I was asking if anyone had any tips on how to approach issues differently that would make him feel a little less 'confronted' by relationship chats e.g. phrasing questions a different way.
Unfortunately, I think this is going to be really based on the individual in question and maybe the issue and time of day. I know for myself that sometimes if I'm approached in a way that would normally be fine, but x/y/z happened that day, I'll react in a COMPLETELY different way. And I know for a fact that a lot of what works with communication for me is totally the opposite from what some of the other people here have told me works for them, or even what worked for me just a few years ago (or didn't WORK, if I'm honest, but it was what I could manage at the time).

I really hope you find a way to meet in the middle between your needing to be on the same page and his aversion to those kinds of talks. :hug:s if you'd like them.
 
@Wastinglight - as I said I feel for you because if marriage and children is what you want - and that's a pretty normal desire so you shouldn't feel that wanting those things is unreasonable - then PTSD makes it so hard. I'm in the much easier position of having a grown up child and no desire for more and having been married before so as much as some days I would like that commitment from my vet it doesn't bother me if we never get married.

Good luck with your discussions and thanks for the well wishes towards me and my man. :)
 
Unfortunately, I think this is going to be really based on the individual in question and maybe the issue and time of day. I know for myself that sometimes if I'm approached in a way that would normally be fine, but x/y/z happened that day, I'll react in a COMPLETELY different way. And I know for a fact that a lot of what works with communication for me is totally the opposite from what some of the other people here have told me works for them, or even what worked for me just a few years ago (or didn't WORK, if I'm honest, but it was what I could manage at the time).

Thanks - I suspect this is true of him as well. Lately I've been trying different approaches to see if that makes any difference. On occasion, he does seem comfortable and really opens up to me and even speaks in certainties. As you alluded to above, I am starting to suspect that whether he is comfortable discussing this stuff or not has everything to do with how he's travelling at that point in time, and not much at all to do with me.

It's always hard to know exactly what's going with him, but it seems to me that, a lot of the time he is so tied up in his own stuff that he isn't really thinking about our relationship at all. But, he told me recently that he wouldn't be in this relationship if he felt that it was detrimental to his recovery (and rightly so), so I guess I should just trust that we are travelling okay unless he states otherwise. Every now and then he comes out with "Thanks for being there", so I will take that to mean that he appreciates me still being around, even when he's struggling with his own stuff and isn't paying me much attention.
 
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