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Relationship Is Staying Friends Better?

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JM318

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I am new to this site. My boyfriend broke up with me (second time in our almost 2 year relationship) I always knew he has "emotional issues" but he was recently diagnosed with PTSD last month and has not seen a professional for help yet. He served in the army for 4 years, and upon coming home his father died and we started dating a few weeks after. Our relationship is pure, deep, and fun. I have never connected with anyone else so perfectly before. We have the normal relationship "you're a pain in my ass" moments but we never raise our voices, put each other down, or call each other names. Our first breakup lasted 3 weeks and with no contact. He told me he didn't think he would ever love me. When he decided to get back together he told me he was scared to "spiral backwards" because it hurts him, and he was in a deep depression being apart. 6 months later he told me he loved me and never stopped saying it. We had another week separation but didn't break up, when things got really stressful at work, and with some time and space he told me he loved me so much and he was sorry but he had a lot on his plate. We talk about our future together, being married, traveling, how we want to retire. When things are good, he plays with my hair when we talk to each other, doesn't stop touching my butt, and he is so adamant on Sunday is "family day" with our "daughter" (dog). The second break up was so out of the blue, the week before he told me he loved me so much, and then the next we were strangers. I cannot initiate no contact with him bc we are in a college class together. I had noticed he was a bit different since the semester started but I didn't think much of it until now. Stress is definitely a trigger for him. He tells me (during both breakups) that he never got a chance to sort out his life when he got home from the military or mourn his fathers death. He still texts me (I never initiate contact first) and it's only about school. He told me monday he wouldn't be in class bc his army buddy died and he didn't feel emotionally stable to be in class. I thought to myself (why is he telling me this) but I think if it was completely over he wouldn't be reaching out to me. My best friend told me that I should remain "friends" with him, stay in contact, don't dig into getting back together. Just be supportive and help him if he reaches out. When we had class the other night I never wanted to leave. I loved interacting with him with our lab experiment, it was as if nothing was wrong and I can still feel our fire burn. When we walked out I waited at the elevator and he told me to come with him to take the stairs. I asked him if it was really over for us and instead of saying yes he said "for now" and he kissed me on the forehead. This is hard for me but I know my number one wish is for him to have the courage to seek help and get better. Is it true that people who suffer from PTSD say things that they don't mean to push us away? Bc he did say (when we were breaking up) that he wasn't happy, that I deserved better, that he didn't long for me like he should. To me that's complete bullshit bc his actions say differently. Do you think he is just numb and confused? Do you think he will come around and respect me more for sticking by his side (staying mutual rather than being cold)? I love him more than anything, and I never pictured a life without him. I am taking everything day by day but would appreciate any advice.
 
I think what he says is what he means. When PTSD gets inflamed its retreat time. Too overwhelmed to navigate relationships. Without therapy to address the symptoms and severity of unmanaged stress, he will continue to cycle through calm followed by fleeing stress. You can't take it personally and you can't cure PTSD with saying I love you and the world is just full of roses. For him, it's a mine field. I think he's sincere when he says he loves you and I also think he's sincere when he says he can't handle stress. It is a wild ride. Without therapy you can count on him continuing his cycles.
 
Pretty much, yeah

So my ex told my best friend (mutual friend) that he feels trapped with me and feels better when he's not with me. I had no idea and he never tried to communicate this. My best friend told me to move on. He said he asked if it was military/PTSD related and he said no.
 
Hi JM318,

This site is new to me too, but I'm learning a lot. Also, it is a relief to talk about living with a person whose "cup" is mostly filled with trauma that can be triggered at any time.

My husband comes from a very violent (physically and emotionally) family, from a different culture. There was no help or relief for him all of his life. I am writing to you because his leaving at the slightest sign of normal relationship tension seems common for a ptsd sufferer. I sympathize because there is a loving, terrified, helpless person inside the lashing out and leaves. When you love someone, how can you imagine abandoning them because they are sick?

This is the hard part, because you have to take care of yourself. You must. I have found that when I take care of myself and think of my husband as a dear friend and not someone who can meet my normal relationship needs (like reciprocity), I can love him freely, gently, and more effectively. I don't really know how a marriage or family stabilizes with a ptsd sufferer if the sufferer does not get help.

I have literally had to tell people in my life that my husband is a little like a stray dog who bites when you come near..even when it is with just a kiss. I has been exhausting, 14 years of trying. He is so tired too. Friendship with him is loving and caring for the puppy that bites due to trauma, though from a distance, because you will be in really rough shape in a few years if you continue to want more. I don't know if I'm right. I only know that I am sad and trying to recognize the right thing to do for my son and myself. We love our sufferer dearly. He has all of the fight or flight, crazy disproportionate reactions to minor stress, etc.

I wish you Godspeed and clarity. After fourteen years of trying everything, I can tell you, at the eleventh hour my son and I have a chance to recover from this.

Perhaps he is pleading for you to love him from a distance too. I don't know. But, it can drag out for a long, long time.
 
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that he feels trapped with me
Just because he 'feels trapped' with you doesn't mean that you have trapped him. A feeling is not the same as the reality. The feeling of trapped-ness may be a 'ghost emotion' from the past that has been triggered off.

This is not to say that you should keep trying with him, but instead to say that there are times that PTSD'ers feel shadows of the past that they may think is all about you, when in fact, it is not.
 
Thank you all for the feedback it is truly appreciated. I'm so sorry foofnick for your situation, it kind of makes me realize that although I love him, we are not married or have children and that would make things so much more complicated. I hope the best for your family. Did you say if he's getting help or not? I would say if it's been that long, it's not fair to you to stay at a distance and be "friends" for his sake, you deserve to be with someone who will fulfill your needs. Maybe walking away and losing you would make him have a change of heart.

UPDATE: He initiated contact at school and I said "I didn't know you felt that way" and he said he wouldn't exactly word it as feeling "trapped" but rather that he wondered if I knew who he was, and that he's unsure if he even knows who he is. I think what it comes down to and what I gathered is he thinks I was taking away from his freedom to ride his motorcycle or do what he wants to do. Again no communication with that. He still says "it's over FOR NOW, we don't know what the future holds", and he told me he loved me. He hasn't asked me to get my things yet, but I told him I was moving and I would need to stop by.
Now at week 3 after our breakup, since planning to get my things, he randomly texted me mid work day and said "Do me a favor and don't bring my father up like you f*cking know him. You never have and never will. That's all I can f*cking think about and it f*ckig infuriates me. Unless you have some off the wall fact that only I or my family would know about him then you're nothing more than a f*cking liar taking a shot at my weakness" he has never sworn at me before. EVER. And this is so random.

I wrote back "I don't know where all this anger is coming from, I've never had anything to say about your father. I hear your stories about him and I listen, and I know you're hurting, and that is natural for anyone to feel. That doesn't make you a weak person, that makes you a human being. And I adore you even more bc of your struggles. You are a decent man, who wants nothing more than a simple life and to do the right things, and you're your own worst enemy. The reason why any of us are in pain, is because it's REAL, what we have together is real, our obstacles are real, your own demons are real, and emotions are meant to be dealt with. The military teaches you the opposite. I will be there to support you, I am supposed to be strong when my partner is weak. Why can't you just understand that we all have flaws and we all need fixing, stop being so hard on yourself and just take everything day by day. You just threw away everything we had, are you going to wake up one day and regret it? I am having a hard time dealing with the fact that I lost my best friend, what I thought was my family, and that one day you'll all just be a memory to me. If you want me out of your life just say it and you'll never see me again."

He texted to apologize, I ignored him. He texted again about class, I ignored him. He apologized in person after class and said I didn't deserve the anger outburst. I didn't accept I just slightly smiled. And then he texted the next day and apologized on being cold about getting my things and I can take as long as I need. I then deleted him from all social media and am continuing no contact except in class when we have to.

I guess what I'm asking is, what is the meaning to all this? Why does he want to be friendly and smile at me, tell me he loves me, get angry at me about his fathers death..... Is it too soon to tell if things are really over? Or does he just feel guilty with no intentions of getting back together? Is this PTSD or no? He says no to our friend, but I'm wondering if he's just ashamed and doesn't want to appear "weak".
 
Thank you all for the feedback it is truly appreciated. I'm so sorry foofnick for your situation, it kind of makes me re...
Hi Jm_318,

Wow, just wow...I see that you try to put forward, in his direction, compassion and adult levelheadedness, almost like a parent. This is sooo familiar to me. I think one way that (maybe) one can recognize whether it's PTSD or not is when genuine empathy falls on deaf ears..or there is a brief moment of softening inevitably followed by inappropriate anger outbursts and abandonment. It is so sad. I can't imagine what it must be like to be in the sufferer's head. It was once described to me by a professional as a swirling maelstrom, a mine field. Sadly the parts of the brain that employs reason and relationship, has been bypassed by LIZARD BRAIN.

My 'husband' walked out last Sunday. He woke up angry and couldn't sustain civility. He cooks a lot and randomly when he is about to explode. He had a giant pot of swiss chard from the garden on high heat, with no water in the pot, a pound of bacon on high, and was preparing to deep fry some rainy day fritter things. I was in our tiny kitchen trying to get some dishes out of his way at least, and I turned the bacon down to medium. The swiss chard was burning...In about 4 minutes he went from "how dare you turn down the heat on my cooking" to announcing divorce to my son who was upstairs, very anxious.

My son and I have stabilized five days later maybe because this is the 8th,10th, (maybe more??) time he has done this, but it's not normal and not healthy. What's different this time is that he posted somethings on Facebook that could be considered an emotional punch in the gut. A picture of a woman crying with the caption, "She told him it was her or the motorcycle, and then I saw the longest wheelie of my life.." This, after he left the home of the woman and son who try and love him.

He also posted a video that is supposed to be funny but is just misogynistic. The video is of a man and his young son (who could be ours) driving along a hot desert road . A police officer pulls the man over and hears muffled cries of a person in the trunk of the car. He asks the man and boy to get out of the car and open the trunk. They do and there is his wife, mom of the boy, in the trunk. (As I write this my heart is racing because it was really ugly for him to post this). The wife is pregnant and gagged, hands tied. She gets out of the trunk and tries to yell to the officer and to the husband. The men look at each other, shake their heads, and put her back into the trunk. The officer lets the man and boy go. They drive into the desert...

What does a gagged and hog tied person being driven into the desert imply? There are plenty of misogyny websites that have material like this. Sorry, I just had to tell someone...

I think there comes a time when a person who suffers from PTSD, untreated, develops and defaults into destructive and sabotaging behaviors.

Sorry so long, I just looked at the time and I am going to say Happy Birthday to my father at 5:30---will absolutely look for your posts later

Foofnick
 
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I'm so sorry I didn't get back to you sooner! I have been moving into a new home about 30 minutes away and I'm exhausted! I'm sorry this happened to you and your child, how have you been holding up and has he contacted you? If he does decide to come back (which I think he will with some space) I wouldn't take him back with open arms, at least not so easily. Put your foot down and let him know (PTSD or not) you will not stand for this. Men want the chase and I feel in both of our situations our men know we will always be there to put up with their shit and whenever they want they can have us. We need to make them think differently or they will never seek the help they need and in my case, perhaps mine won't even come back this time. It's been 3 weeks today. This time last year we were getting back together. I have a feeling bc we have been in some sort of contact because of being in class together, he hasn't grasped the fact that I'm really gone, but then again he was the one who broke up with me so this is what he wanted. All I can do is better myself and be happy and if he comes back, then it was meant to be. I have times I really don't think this will be the case, and other times I feel like it will happen but he'll come back when it's too late, and either of those paths brings me to him. I have anxiety about him moving on, but I don't think he will so quickly, I think he needs time to focus on his goals. Either way, idk what's going on in his head, if he loves me enough to give it another try or if he just loves me and that's not enough. :/ I hope things work out, I will check to see if you respond and will be there for you, focus on you and your child, I know it's easier said than done, maybe start something crafty, bake, start a TV series, maybe even start a journal to get your feelings out, just stay busy and try to stay away from checking social media bc I've been doing that, and my horoscopes, I even went to a psychic, and none of it makes you feel better, it just makes you feel worse. Just focus on YOU and your happiness. It will only make him see that you are okay without him and that you don't NEED him. Goodnight, and I hope you're enjoying Halloween, it's crazy me and him haven't been together for a Halloween ever bc we've always been broken up in October. :/ and I used to love this holiday.
 
Jm318,

You are so kind to get back to me! This has been a week of grieving, dreams at night that everything is okay and loving and then, I wake up. This is the first stage of shock. I have had experiences in the past like this when the loss is a deep injury and it's like you are in ICU for the soul for a couple of weeks. The heavy chest, no appetite, forgetfulness and only being able to do a certain amount of tasks before exhaustion hits. I have been going through this, grateful for this website and your responses. Also, I have been trying to be brave and "do nothing", just let the change happen.

Though, I did invite him to walk with us Trick or Treating in the neighborhood. He came. It was so sad for me, I kept walking ahead of the group or off to the side to cry in private! He came back to the the house and sat at the kitchen table and carved at a pencil with his pocket knife for an hour or more. I listened attentively to him talking about entertaining Facebook videos and thought to myself, "This is the same as it's always been...he has no idea of the pain he has caused or that I am in, OR he has no idea how to talk to me." He also gets angry if I need to talk with him about having some sort of understanding. So, for fourteen years, I have been literally stuck in this place where communication wasn't an option! He just sat there.
So yes, I have heard from him, seen him...his whittling helplessly at my kitchen table when a marriage has died of the neglect of adult communication and all he can do is show me youtube videos of silly things instead of look at me and talk to me.

Suddenly, I wasn't so sad!!! I almost couldn't wait until he left. Such a mixed bag of feelings when a relationship needs to transform into something different!

When you speak of how you busy yourself with things and taking care of yourself, you sound so strong. I am amazed when people can do that. You mentioned that you and your boyfriend always break up in the fall...I wonder of the shortening days effect his mental health and he can't cope well with it. A lot of people here in the northeast of the US have depression triggered by the low sun.

Maybe all of these struggles are symptoms of us, as carers, moving on from this and going forward to something healthier. They say that pulling away from even something unhealthy hurts, like detoxing....

Let's stay in touch, much love

Foofnick
 
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Yes thank you for replying too. There's a sense of comfort when you are suffering with someone else, and being able to help others when you're in a bad place also makes you feel better. From what I've read and my own experiences with no communication (mostly on his behalf) I feel like the guilt of them knowing they have issues and hurt us over and over, weighs them down as well. Maybe he's avoiding the post-argument conversation because he just not ready to face it. It's not that he's not hurting inside. He is lost and confused in his own head, and not able to manage his thoughts, pressure, regrets, doubts, all emotions, so he is avoiding it all and just wants to feel the normalcy. I still feel the fire when mine talks to me in class, when he smiles at me, or jokes with me, bc deep down we care for each other but I ignore talking about the relationship bc he was the one to walk away, and he needs to be the one that's ready to talk about things, otherwise if I tried to pry it out, it wouldn't feel sincere to me. If space/freedom is what he needs then I will let him free. If he comes back and regrets it and it's too late, than that's something he will have to live with. Trust me, I am strong bc I don't have any other choice. I have my own life to live and my own goals, and although i am deeply hurt that he doesn't want to be a part of my life, well someone else will come along. I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason and we all have our own choices. If researching PTSD helps, Google "no contact rule" how to get your ex boyfriend/husband back. Read about the males perspective. It helped me tremendously during our first breakup. Men need that chase. Become the woman he fell in love with. Be strong, independent, show no weakness. When you see him change your mood. Rather than being mopey, and miserable, put a smile on your face, wear something new, do something different with your hair. Make him wonder why you're doing so well. When you see him, don't tell him everything about your day, stay away from posting on social media, always leave a mystery and leave him wanting more. Both breakups I lost 10 lbs in a week, have had to get sleeping aids to get a decent night of sleep, had to take personal "mental health" days off. So trust me it's very hard, but surround yourself with happiness, stay busy, lean on people who care, and when you have bad thoughts, teach yourself to focus your thoughts elsewhere. I wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and talk to myself. I'm honest to myself that I am going through a hard time, but I am beautiful, and worthy and today is going to be a better day. Eventually you will train your mind to keep out the negative thoughts and you will feel better as time goes by. How old are you by the way? And where are you from? I'm 27 from CT.
Also, I know stress is a trigger for him, so since the semester started he's been different, it's very overwhelming for him. And he doesn't handle stress well and that's when his symptoms happen. He told my friend that it's not me at all and that he loved me but he just wasn't happy. It's hard to love someone else when you don't love yourself. I'm giving him time to get his ducks in a row but if he happens to not come back, I will already be okay anyways. I don't plan to set myself up for disappointment, so I'm treating it as if he's not coming back. I am also wondering if maybe something happened in the military during this time of year that triggers his symptoms as well but I'm unsure. Just keep praying and keep pushing forward. I'll be by my phone all night. :)
 
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