Last night I watched the video on here about young military men who returned and committed suicide, often shortly after having ptsd. I saw their family grieve and how they pleaded with government to take some responsibility. It was very sad to see these young men giving up, giving in, and taking their own life.
If I had cancer, or a friend or relative did, and exhausted all treatment options unsuccessfully, I would not question their choice to stop the pain and commit suicide rather than wait for nature to take them. I would not call them selfish and would not judge them negatively. I believe in assisted suicide in such situations. I think it is very humane. To be able to chose a time and have closure and have things in order, and to be able to say what needs said to their loved ones sounds to me like and end with compassion.
I read many posts on here, some doing better and finding hope, others struggling horribly, and others just surviving. We all suffer ptsd, but our situations are still very unique.
I have survived many things in my life and had always been quite resilient. I may not have always done the right thing or thought straight and healthy, but always got back on track to good health and mental health within a very reasonable period of time.
My therapist says my ptsd is caused by childhood trauma, and while I dont debate that with her as she does make sense, I am not totally convinced of this. I do know that I had symptoms of ptsd following a 6 yr extremely abusive marriage from age 17 to 25. The symptoms worsened a couple of years later. I was treated for co-dependency and had symptoms managed if not eradicated. I worked through childhood issues from a standpoint different than trauma therapy. Mostly CBT therapy, re-learning skills, challenging thinking, etc. My life became very positive and good. I was always a very resilient person that used humor as a defense mechanism. At no time did I ever entertain the idea of suicide. I was able to forgive my mother. I was even able to forgive my ex husband who abused me verbally, physically, and sexually.
In a 2 yr period, my mother passed away, my grandaughter died of SIDS, and my quadropalegic nephew was brutally murdered by a drug addicted intruder. During this time, I was dating a therapist that was a sociopath and I was being stalked. He was also drugging me and raping me repeatedly-unknown to me at the time. He turned out to be the stalker. He was a puppet master. I became a bit hypervigilent. I felt very sad for awhile. I pulled myself up and reported him to the licensing board. He was found guilty and disciplined. I discovered there were many serious complaints about his behavior involving sexual addiction, acting it out with clients, and other devious things. I moved on. Slowly I took my life back. I did not feel helpless. I stood up to him and took action. At no time did I entertain the thought of suicide.
In 2006, I had a bad fall and was unconscious. I have a mild traumatic brain injury. This was the beginning of my life as I knew it changing drastically. The hospital missed a broken rib, which ended up puncturing my lung, and then I was told I had a blood clot in my lung. After further tests, I was told it was a mistake. My health declined. I had financial struggles. My personality was different. I was more impulsive. I made some bad decisions. I suffered depression and anxiety. I got angry. I had nightmares. Several months into this I had fleeting thoughts of suicide. There was lack of treatment. Since I was able to function, walk, talk, care for myself, the things that I experienced were minimized. Nobody seemed to specialize in TBI. I lost assertiveness skills. My attempts to be assertive came across as anger. I guess I lost self awareness.
In 2008, I dated a man that turned out to be controlling. When I did not give in to an unreasonable request and asked him to leave my home, he refused and called the police. The cop had an attitude immediately and sided with the boyfriend who was a former law enforcement and FBI agent. The officer insisted that I was someone else. He brutalized me, sticking a gun in my face, arresting me, injuring my arms using excessive force. He took me to an alley. He verbally assaulted me repeatedly. He was told to bring me to court rather than jail (because I worked with the justice system in the past and others knew I would not do anything illegal-which I did not). He paraded me around with criminals and collegues with my body parts showing. This broke me. My sense of humor is gone. I attempted suicide following this. I am not resilient anymore. I am apathetic, lack motivation, struggle cognitively, am plagued with depression and anxiety. I isolate. There has not been one day since this event that I have not thought or flashbacked or dreamed of the event. There is a constant re-inactment. There is not one day since this event that I have not wanted to die and thought of suicide. I dont know how to laugh anymore. I have pushed my friends and family away. I have no will to live. I have been in counseling ever since. I make my family miserable. I am an empty shell. I am an embarrassment to my family. I lack trust completely. When I am lied to-it is as if a switch is flipped.
I have a lawsuit against the police. Many lawyers have said that it was illegal arrest and excessive force. I think I now live to fight police brutality and for no other reason than to prevent it from happening to other women. I am sure I can win but it has been years in process and will be many more. If I was given 10 million dollars I would still not be happy. Its not about money. I died Dec. 16, 2008. My health has declined. Most outings are to the doctors or for tests or for pain injections. I cant go into a grocery store (where I fell) without xanax. My health is getting worse. I stay in bed most of the time. I only go downstairs to let my dogs out and bring food and soda up. I am on serious meds for pain, anxiety, sleep disorder and depression. Each cause other side effects. It is a vicious circle. I want off the merry go round.
I feel very rational. I dont want to live anymore. Im not emotional about my decision. Im not sad. Im exhausted. My life is fear based. I have hurt the people that I love enough. I have burdened others and caused them worry. There is nothing that I want to do, no place I want to see, nobody I want to know, and nothing to look forward to. I cannot financially support myself. I am hopeless and I know it. I dont have a fight in me. I have been broken.
Are there others that believe that we should have the right to a peaceful death and to chose to not live to just exist without any quality of life. I have compassion for terminally ill patients. I believe that mental illness can be terminal, and while it is not for most with ptsd and I do believe that others can get better, I do not believe that of myself. I also think that it is the combination of TBI and PTSD. Some helplessness began with TBI, but PTSD has broke me.
I am hoping for serious discussion on this topic. I have read much about suicide, and the thought is that nobody would commit suicide if they were not mentally ill or rational. I can agree with the mentally ill, but even mentally ill can be rational.
I welcome any viewpoints on this topic.
If I had cancer, or a friend or relative did, and exhausted all treatment options unsuccessfully, I would not question their choice to stop the pain and commit suicide rather than wait for nature to take them. I would not call them selfish and would not judge them negatively. I believe in assisted suicide in such situations. I think it is very humane. To be able to chose a time and have closure and have things in order, and to be able to say what needs said to their loved ones sounds to me like and end with compassion.
I read many posts on here, some doing better and finding hope, others struggling horribly, and others just surviving. We all suffer ptsd, but our situations are still very unique.
I have survived many things in my life and had always been quite resilient. I may not have always done the right thing or thought straight and healthy, but always got back on track to good health and mental health within a very reasonable period of time.
My therapist says my ptsd is caused by childhood trauma, and while I dont debate that with her as she does make sense, I am not totally convinced of this. I do know that I had symptoms of ptsd following a 6 yr extremely abusive marriage from age 17 to 25. The symptoms worsened a couple of years later. I was treated for co-dependency and had symptoms managed if not eradicated. I worked through childhood issues from a standpoint different than trauma therapy. Mostly CBT therapy, re-learning skills, challenging thinking, etc. My life became very positive and good. I was always a very resilient person that used humor as a defense mechanism. At no time did I ever entertain the idea of suicide. I was able to forgive my mother. I was even able to forgive my ex husband who abused me verbally, physically, and sexually.
In a 2 yr period, my mother passed away, my grandaughter died of SIDS, and my quadropalegic nephew was brutally murdered by a drug addicted intruder. During this time, I was dating a therapist that was a sociopath and I was being stalked. He was also drugging me and raping me repeatedly-unknown to me at the time. He turned out to be the stalker. He was a puppet master. I became a bit hypervigilent. I felt very sad for awhile. I pulled myself up and reported him to the licensing board. He was found guilty and disciplined. I discovered there were many serious complaints about his behavior involving sexual addiction, acting it out with clients, and other devious things. I moved on. Slowly I took my life back. I did not feel helpless. I stood up to him and took action. At no time did I entertain the thought of suicide.
In 2006, I had a bad fall and was unconscious. I have a mild traumatic brain injury. This was the beginning of my life as I knew it changing drastically. The hospital missed a broken rib, which ended up puncturing my lung, and then I was told I had a blood clot in my lung. After further tests, I was told it was a mistake. My health declined. I had financial struggles. My personality was different. I was more impulsive. I made some bad decisions. I suffered depression and anxiety. I got angry. I had nightmares. Several months into this I had fleeting thoughts of suicide. There was lack of treatment. Since I was able to function, walk, talk, care for myself, the things that I experienced were minimized. Nobody seemed to specialize in TBI. I lost assertiveness skills. My attempts to be assertive came across as anger. I guess I lost self awareness.
In 2008, I dated a man that turned out to be controlling. When I did not give in to an unreasonable request and asked him to leave my home, he refused and called the police. The cop had an attitude immediately and sided with the boyfriend who was a former law enforcement and FBI agent. The officer insisted that I was someone else. He brutalized me, sticking a gun in my face, arresting me, injuring my arms using excessive force. He took me to an alley. He verbally assaulted me repeatedly. He was told to bring me to court rather than jail (because I worked with the justice system in the past and others knew I would not do anything illegal-which I did not). He paraded me around with criminals and collegues with my body parts showing. This broke me. My sense of humor is gone. I attempted suicide following this. I am not resilient anymore. I am apathetic, lack motivation, struggle cognitively, am plagued with depression and anxiety. I isolate. There has not been one day since this event that I have not thought or flashbacked or dreamed of the event. There is a constant re-inactment. There is not one day since this event that I have not wanted to die and thought of suicide. I dont know how to laugh anymore. I have pushed my friends and family away. I have no will to live. I have been in counseling ever since. I make my family miserable. I am an empty shell. I am an embarrassment to my family. I lack trust completely. When I am lied to-it is as if a switch is flipped.
I have a lawsuit against the police. Many lawyers have said that it was illegal arrest and excessive force. I think I now live to fight police brutality and for no other reason than to prevent it from happening to other women. I am sure I can win but it has been years in process and will be many more. If I was given 10 million dollars I would still not be happy. Its not about money. I died Dec. 16, 2008. My health has declined. Most outings are to the doctors or for tests or for pain injections. I cant go into a grocery store (where I fell) without xanax. My health is getting worse. I stay in bed most of the time. I only go downstairs to let my dogs out and bring food and soda up. I am on serious meds for pain, anxiety, sleep disorder and depression. Each cause other side effects. It is a vicious circle. I want off the merry go round.
I feel very rational. I dont want to live anymore. Im not emotional about my decision. Im not sad. Im exhausted. My life is fear based. I have hurt the people that I love enough. I have burdened others and caused them worry. There is nothing that I want to do, no place I want to see, nobody I want to know, and nothing to look forward to. I cannot financially support myself. I am hopeless and I know it. I dont have a fight in me. I have been broken.
Are there others that believe that we should have the right to a peaceful death and to chose to not live to just exist without any quality of life. I have compassion for terminally ill patients. I believe that mental illness can be terminal, and while it is not for most with ptsd and I do believe that others can get better, I do not believe that of myself. I also think that it is the combination of TBI and PTSD. Some helplessness began with TBI, but PTSD has broke me.
I am hoping for serious discussion on this topic. I have read much about suicide, and the thought is that nobody would commit suicide if they were not mentally ill or rational. I can agree with the mentally ill, but even mentally ill can be rational.
I welcome any viewpoints on this topic.