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Issues With Wife Having Male Friends

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Nate24

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I have PTSD due to a life or death incident I was involved in as a police officer. I have been in therapy for over a year. Invalidation is major part of my Ptsd. My recent struggle has been with my wife going out with other male friends without me. Her main one, I dont believe she is physically attracted to but I still get very insecure when she goes out drinking with him. Usualky it ends up with them meeting up with other guys too. I do not believe she has ever been untrue to me but I'm sure every guy who gets cheated on believed the same thing. I Understand her claim that she needs to spend time with friends and I know me and my PTSD can b difficult to live with but I basically have a breakdown everytime she goes out like that. Anger and rage! Am I out of line and need to loosen up and not giver her grief over this? (It's inpossible for me to loosen up about it). If she asks my opinion about going out I tell her it's fine because I dont want to b an ass and say no u can't go out w friends. Then I sit around in a world of hell. And then it causes a lot of stress between us. Anyone with similar experience or input? Hard to explain on here but I tried to clarify. Thank you
 
First of all @Nate24 , I am sorry you are struggling but glad you are in therapy. I don't believe your feelings are invalid, not saying you have anything to worry about but saying everything is fine to your wife isn't fair to either of you. I think you can share your feelings without giving her grief. I too am guilty of telling my husband fine when it isn't and it only leads to more problems down the line. It must be incredibly challenging to be a police officer and see what you see. I am glad you are taking care of yourself, but it's important to let your wife in so she can support you.
 
I wonder if your work environment with the police and the PTSD that has resulted from it has made you less trusting? Both of your wife and the people she socialises with? I'm not saying that there is no possibility at all that your worries are unfounded, just that PTSD alters our perspective of the world and the people in it. When your wife asks you how you feel about her socialising with other men in her friendship group, I would let her know that you trust her, but it does concern you. Hopefully this will give her the opportunity to reassure you without feeling like you are condemning her friends. Just saying things are fine when you don't feel like they are is going to store up unresolved issues that could affect your relationship in other ways.

Do you know the people she is meeting? Either way, why don't you suggest going along with her, getting to know them and giving everyone a chance to get to know you? You could settle your fears and expand your own friendship group.
 
My definition of "going out drinking" is leaving the house with the intent of getting drunk. What's yours? Because if THAT'S what she's doing, "going out drinking" seems like it would be a problem all by itself. And, we all know (I think) that one of the first effects of alcohol is to lower inhibitions. So, to me, there's a big difference between going out to the movies with friends of the opposite gender and going out drinking.

I'd like to think you were at least invited? I can understand not wanting to go. I feel that way a lot. Back when I was married, I made an effort to suck it up and go to events now and then, just because I thought it would be appreciated. (I don't know that it was.)

But, I've also experienced the female partner with male friends from the other side. I have always tended to have close male friends. The last guy I was involved with had a HUGE problem with that. The fact is, he's long gone and my friends are still my friends. I couldn't see any reason to be disloyal to long time friends over a more recent relationship. It didn't seem fair to my friends. Who really ARE my friends. I have to admit, at that point, I hadn't had therapy and there was a lot going on I wasn't aware of. I took his "rules" as being about ME, not him and HIS problems. That he didn't think I was trustworthy and all that. It very much got to be a wedge issue. If I was 10 minutes late getting home from work, it was "Where have you been and who were you with?" My job was such that being late was part of the deal. I resented his attitude. I didn't think he owned me, but he seemed to feel differently. There were times when I was tempted to cheat, just because I was already paying the price, so why not? (I'm glad, BTW, that you're taking responsibility for your own insecurity. Good for you!)

I agree with the others. You shouldn't lie to her, you should be honest about how you feel. She deserves to know. That's really the only way you can work on the issue as partners.

As far as cheating goes, if someone is going to, they're going to. Even if you could force them not to,what would be the point? If they aren't staying in the relationship because they WANT to, what's the point of the relationship? I understand how feeling like you're in control of things can make you feel safer. That's probably a topic for therapy. Have you brought this up there?
 
Thank you, I do know them and trust no one. My belief is that any one of them would take advantage of the situation presented itself. It's not to say I don't like them, I just believe they would act in a heartbeat. I do go along when I can and I believe at times it upsets the other people. My wife knows my anxiety with this but she says it shouldnt keep her from hanging out w friends.
 
If my husband went out drinking with other women, without me, I would be hesitant. I would really want to know why, and I would want to get to know the women he hangs out with. Build my own friendship with them. If they were having a business lunch, that would be fine. Or if he was going out with a group of guy friends and other women happened to be coming along, to go hiking or do some other thing that doesn't involve becoming drunk, then that would be more ok with me.

But if my husband was going out drinking at night with other women, especially if they were women I already didn't trust and who didn't like me, I would be upset too. I would feel torn between wanting to respect my husbands freedom to keep the friendships that he had before we got married, but also wanting to make sure he was being safe and not screwing around.

I have trust issues too though.

It sounds like she has a group of male friends you don't like or trust, and they don't like you much either? Are there specific reasons why or is it just that you don't want her going out with any friends or any male friends without you?

Maybe it's time you and her invest in building relationships with new friends, new mutual friends that you both like. Maybe it's also time for more "date nights" for you and her to go out together, to do things you both like to do together, with or without friends. Couples counseling might also be a good idea.
 
I do know them and trust no one. My belief is that any one of them would take advantage of the situation presented itself
Then, I guess, my personal next step would be to explore how realistic that thought is. Because you might be right, and it might be the PTSD talking, and it's hard to know, at least from here.

And, THIS might be worth discussing with your wife too. Does she see them the same way and how does she think about this? You don't have the right to control her (and it doesn't really sound like you're trying to), but you DO have the right to be comfortable with your relationship. She needs to be as respectful of your feelings as you are of hers.

What happens when you try to talk about this? Does she listen to you? Does she at all understand where you're coming from? Does she seem to care? (Because it seems like she should.) If this is too difficult a topic to handle by yourselves, I think maybe a little couples therapy might be in order. It's sometimes easier to get to the bottom of things with a little objective help. Her willingness to work on this and respect your feelings probably says a lot about how she really feels about the relationship.
 
It's not that I don't like them. When we go out together I get along fine with them. However, I do believe they would rather just have my wife with them. I don't really trust any male in a situation w my wife that involves alcohol and me not being around. I have no doubts that they would take advantage of a situation.
 
She does listen and u derstandin but I guess that is where more frustration comes in. She knows how bad it affects me but would rather continue to do it rather than not. I try hard to b ok w it but I can not control my anxiety. I Make every attempt to b included but at times it's just not possible.
 
It's not that I don't like them. When we go out together I get along fine with them. However, I do believe they would rather just have my wife with them. I don't really trust any male in a situation w my wife that involves alcohol and me not being around. I have no doubts that they would take advantage of a situation.
Ah. That sounds like trauma related thinking. In your line of work as a police officer, you have probably seen all kinds of horrible things that can happen with alcohol.
 
I don't really trust any male in a situation w my wife that involves alcohol and me not being around. I have no doubts that they would take advantage of a situation.
I would try looking at this from a few different angles.
First off, do you trust your wife in situations that involve alcohol? Because if this is about the possibility of cheating then it takes more than just one person. If you're secure in your marriage then trust her not to make that choice.
Second, do you trust yourself in a situation that involves alcohol? Would you take advantage of your friend's wives in such a situation? If no, then maybe consider the possibility that the male friends she is choosing to spend time might share the same morals as you regarding cheating? If yes, then maybe that's the issue to look at?
Also has your wife shown bad judgement in her choice of friends before, male or female, that is causing you to feel that her judgement is off now?
Do you, or would you, have difficulty with her going out drinking with female friends without you or is just male friends?
 
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