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It's been many many months, she's still numb

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My sufferer is a loving, intelligent woman in her late 20s who has transformed into a stranger as a result of awakening to repressed trauma related to sexual abuse when she was younger. I can't properly express on here the extent to which I am committed to seeing her through this painful (and no doubt very long) journey that she has finally realized she needs to go on. I even feel guilty having to post on here to vent.

She has been emotionally numb for all of 2017, and it's not the lack of love and intimacy that is wearing me down - I have done enough research to know that all of her emotional resources are tied up right now - it's the lack of empathy and remorse. I guess that's all in the same emotional bucket, but for some reason those are the things that I take personally. I can understand her not being able to access her feelings of love right now. But when she gives an empty apology after treating me poorly and I tell her that I would like to FEEL the apology and not just hear the words, she looks at me like I'm some annoying, high-maintenance partner. She can't possibly understand why what she's said and done isn't enough.

The longer she goes in this fog, the less she seems able to see that her behaviour is cold and hurtful. When these dormant demons woke up and took hold of her, I was able to survive the emotional withdrawal because I read up on it. What I wasn't expecting was for this to go on for so long. I was expecting a period of maybe a few months of complete emotional blankness, then maybe some stretches of her being back to herself, then more blankness and isolation. I guess I was expecting waves. Waves I knew I could ride. But this just feels like she has died - I didn't think someone could have that empty look in their eyes and that flatness in their voice for so many months.

Not sure what will happen. Days like today I sound like someone who can't handle a PTSD relationship, but 90% of the time I'm pretty patient and resilient. It's just that she can't find a therapist she likes, she's drinking a lot, and she can't seem to come unstuck - and the longer this goes, the less effort she seems to be putting in to getting better. Almost like she's just accepted this is her now. And that's what scares me. I know if she's not putting in the work to get better, to learn the skills necessary to manage her symptoms, to find a therapist she feels comfortable tackling these issues with, then she will not get better and we will not make it.

Thanks for listening. Feedback welcome.
 
I don't think this is the typical PTSD relationship. I guess what I mean is that you have the patience of a saint, most would have exited the relationship long ago...... She may not be able to be in a relationship right now. What is keeping you there if you're not getting any of your needs met?
 
If she doesn't seek treatment nothing will ever change! And when/if she does it can literally take YEARS of therapy to get to a place to be in a committed relationship.

Kudos to you for TRYING to help her but she needs to realize her situation and address it. Is she educated about PTSD and it's symptoms?

You can't help someone who doesn't help themselves.
 
Thanks for responding, guys.

In regards to what I'm getting out of the relationship? Currently, nothing. Zero. But everything that we had and that she was before she fell into this hole was perfect. I couldn't even dream up a better partner or better relationship. That woman has vanished, so the reason I hang on is that she is still in there somewhere. The personality change and the emotional numbing has been so dramatic that it is clearly not just a run of the mill falling out of love or anything like that. It's pretty obvious that she's sick. Would I leave her if she had cancer? Of course not. I stay remembering the woman I'm in love with and who loved me back. Not wanting to abandon her when she's not well, but also selfishly not wanting to lose someone who fit me so well. Is she that person now? No. Do I believe that person and that personality has vanished off the face of the earth? I certainly hope not.

Re: is she educated about PTSD symptoms, it's hard to explain but I'll try. When she first noticed the darkness creeping in and she was experiencing panic attacks, she was making an effort to understand what was happening to her. She sought therapists - what I thought was pretty smart was she met with five therapists so that she could find the best fit. She eventually picked one but stopped going after a couple sessions, not really giving a clear reason why. Since then she seems to have less interest in understanding her condition. It's as if she has, I guess, succumb to her illness? She feels like a piece of shit (her words), she won't hear any differently, and she won't do the work to get well - either because it's too hard or because she feels she doesn't deserve to get better. It's hard to say, her communication hasn't been very clear or, I hate to say it, logical for some time.

I know what this sounds like and I know what I would think if I read a post like this. If my needs aren't being met, why the hell am I sticking around? I guess it's because I see how much pain she's in. No normal, healthy human acts this way. We all change by some degrees and have aspects of our personality that are buried and can then come out, but this has been a full blown transformation. I don't want to abandon her. Yes, I have needs too, but I'm healthy. I don't have panic attacks, I can feel a full range of emotions. She can't, but she could before. I loved that girl for a long time and she loved me. I certainly don't think it was an act. So to believe that girl is gone forever? I don't know, that's hard to grasp, especially when I believe mental illness is treatable.
 
FYI the chronology:

-Girlfriend is loving, amazing. A dream girl. A year of uninterrupted bliss.
-Girlfriend starts acting a little weird but she's very stressed at work and her living situation (we talked about moving in together in a few months to address that) so I don't pry, just continue to be a loving, listening presence.
-Girlfriend reveals she had been raped and had put off addressing the trauma it's caused for years. But now the trauma has suddenly come back full force and she needs to work through it. I tell her I am here to support her as much or as little as she needs me.
-Seemingly overnight, loving girlfriend is gone. She's cold, lacks empathy, and quite frankly is acting like a real shitty person.
-I continue to hold patience, recognizing it's a major thing to share that with me and she's probably in a great deal of pain.
-Eight months later, she is no better. She still describes herself as emotionally numb. She is no longer pursuing therapy. She drinks to avoid the pain. She has gone from being the most selfless, caring person I have ever known to someone so cold and selfish that I know I wouldn't be friends with her if I met her today.

As you can imagine or perhaps relate to, watching someone you love morph from soulmate into distant stranger has been very jarring. The woman who exists today is not the woman I have known and loved, and not the one her long-time friends are familiar with either.

I feel like whoever did this to her wanted her to feel worthless, wanted her to be alone and not have the love in her life that she's entitled to. It feels like if I let her push me away, her attacker will have won. And once I'm gone she will think to herself "see, I really am a piece of shit."
 
I didn't read your last post yet. Going into work.....

Search the forums about the honeymoon stage.

I'll come back later. :)
 
The woman you knew, in toto, is gone.

Trauma changes us. Trauma effects change us.

Parts of her will indeed come back with treatment, but it's a crapshoot as to exactly which parts come back and which ones don't.

I hesitate to label sufferers as selfish, but it is indeed selfish to be in a relationship and not be pulling ANY weight. (The first/foundational part of this being taking care of yourself.)

I also think the cancer analogy is a bit off. Nobody is saying dump her because she's drowning in symptomatic PTSD. What is being said is that she won't ever change if she doesn't TRY to heal. You're at risk for becoming codependent. Why throw yourself under the bus for someone who for all intents and purposes is GONE? (No healing = girlfriend gone, not coming back).

Some of us don't start to heal until we hit rock bottom. Has it crossed your mind that you are possibly enabling her enough to avoid treatment? VERY POSSIBLE! Some sufferers won't start on a healing path until they've lost everyone/everything. It's just the nature of the beast. So playing knight in shining armor is doing her no favors.....this is not cancer. This is PTSD. Very different.
 
Search the forums about the honeymoon stage. :)
The more time goes on, the more it seems very possible that's what it could be. Which really sucks, because it sure didn't feel like a stage. We were both practical people. It will be very sad if it turns out the past year wasn't real but just a long honeymoon with someone who isn't actually capable of a real relationship.
But if that's what it is, that's what it is. The thing is though that I've had relationships that flame out after the honeymoon stage. When that happens, at least there are still traces of the love and respect that we had for each other. In this case, it would be like the honeymoon ends and she ceases to be herself or care that I exist. Rough...
The woman you knew, in toto, is gone.

Trauma changes us. Trauma effects change us.

Parts of her will indeed come back with treatment, but it's a crapshoot as to exactly which parts come back and which ones don't..

You may very well be right. In that case, it feels like she was hit by a drunk driver or something. That sudden and unfair of a loss. Traumatic for me as well.
I also think you're right that I could be enabling and she really has to hit rock bottom and feel the totality of her losses. That day may very well be coming soon.
 
I guess that's where I have to start grieving myself. So hard to grieve the loss of someone who is physically still there.

And if there's no saying which parts of her will ever come back in healing, I hope remorse and empathy are two things that return. If those feelings of love are gone forever, it would be nice if she could one day treat me like a person again.
 
I've been down this road many many times. I totally understand your point of view because I feel the same way about being the supporter and knowing the person you love and who loves you is in thete SOMEWHERE. I've been doing this for 35 years, so I want to give you a little advice that it took me forever to learn. First! Take care of yourself. Do things with family and friends without her to get your emotional needs met!! There is a big difference between sympathy and empathy. I was always sympathetic. It's like if my husband and I were walking down a road and he suddenly fell into a well without warnong . . . Well I would jump into the well with him to support him. Then he would withdraw more because not only is he stuck in the deep dark well . . . So am I. Then he would feel worthless and have self hatred because he caused me to jump in the deep dark well. So I've learned to empathize with him. If he falls into the well now, I just lay over the edge and offer my hand, or talk to him about how he can get out. I encourage him . . . I support him but I no longer jump in with him. He copes so much better and pulls himself out of the well. #2. You need to see a therapist yourself. They help you with coping skills. I never realized how much I enabled my husband and actually made things worse even though my intentions was to help. You have to help yourself before you can help her. I wish I would have learned all this earlier because now my husbands PTSD does not control my emotions. I can be content and happy when ptsd raises it's ugly head and he gets over things much faster now. My prayers for you and your girl friend.
 
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