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Its not self sufficieny you isolate yourself!

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Rani G2

MyPTSD Pro
Need once again, to get this out of chest. As, it hurts and feels like a burden at times. Right now, it hurts and I dont find the right tool to regulate these emotions.

I have been isolating myself, from time to time. Its an ambiguous thing wanting friendships with people.The seeking I tend to identify as weakness, the not having is leaving me disconnected. I have been an admirer of the hermit existence, people who leave Zivilisation. This comes from a deep grievence, I guess no need to say that. I hardly let others in, fearing that my weakness comes to the surfance.

I still cant relate due to mistrust, I cant because I dont want to be dependent. Which doesnt mean I have to become dependent in a friendship. Why do I identify wanting to be in connection with others as weakness? From a rational point of view, I know its not true.

This leaves me sad, very much.

Shankara
 
I think I could have written this, word for word.

:(

:hug:

I don't know why I feel that if I have friends etc that I'll feel weak and needy and dependent.

I've always wanted to feel independent.

But it leaves me lonely.

Why does friendship feel like the opposite of independence?

Maybe part of it was the abuse? And then I had friendships where I was forced to conform to the group in order to fit in. Reliving the same dynamic?

I'm just terrified of people. Letting people get to know me------they will take all the bad stuff about me and use it against me.

But I digress. I don't mean to make this all about me, just hoping to show that you're not alone.

I don't know how to fix it. I wish I did.
 
You have expressed something I feel @Shankara . I too fear being dependant. It feels wrong and incongruous. I've been learning a bit about attachment styles and it makes my experience more understandable and will offer me a way in to moving on.

For now it helps me to know that I sit in a category of people who are Dissmisive-Avoidant. There will be a way to work on that, when I am ready.
 
@EveHarrington
I've always wanted to feel independent.
I get you. I have been testing Isolation (Not always a choice, as I was lonely).
as if I have to harden and form myself to face life. The more I am able to stand on my own, the powerful I become. This is, surely coming from the abandoning part. I never want to feel that loneliness I felt as a child again! The abuse is a major part of it too, just like you say.
Why does friendship feel like the opposite of independence?
We havent learned, or didnt have any role mdels to teach us healthy relationships where boundaries are being respected. Its a taking thing, no one cares, no one gives a f*ck. We were objectified to satisfy others needs , my own identity, my own individuality didnt matter at all. Thats what I experienced. It takes a while to realise that I am valuable enough to deserve that respect.
What do you think?
I'm just terrified of people. Letting people get to know me------they will take all the bad stuff about me and use it against me.
To get that out of your system, it takes time, and we need to make other experiences. We still guard ourselves strongly. Emotional security is in our hands, I cant control others, I can influence my own emotions. This is just blahh from my side. I still cant do it in a healthy way.

You can write about yourself here....I am fine with that.

Shankara
 
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For me it was a defensive living style.... If I was independent/self sufficient and isolating no one could get close and hurt me. Pesky thing was life is about relationships and yeah it had a lot to do with my own perceived defects. I had to endeavor to re-examine, self parent, and generally try to bring myself up to speed at least to the point where I felt that I could endeavor to risk "trust" but not blindly. Trust became a calculated risk and an assessment.

I am better served that way... for instance, instead of "trust but verify", I trend to operate on "verify, then risk trust." (subtle but distinct difference that works for me)
 
I can try. Rather than trusting first, I have a filter for people/personalities/situations whereby I investigate/verify first before extending trust. A for instance would be my being a member here for a year before extending off forum support. That was 50/50, so now I read diaries and posts of members before I extend peer off the forum support.

Verify (in as much as possible) and then choose, whether or not to risk/extend - trust.

Questions?
 
Perhaps, re-examine what "self sufficiency" really is/means and weigh it against the fact that no one life can exist in isolation/in a bubble without what I call the law of diminishing returns. The smaller the life/the more isolation, the larger the importance these issues can become.
 
I can tell you too that you're not alone. Isolation can be awful, yet socializing can be so difficult.
When I'm down I feel like, to be around other people I just have to hide so much, and pretend so much, it's too exhausting.
OP: "I hardly let others in, fearing that my weakness comes to the surface." I think like Albatross says, it has a lot to do with defensiveness.
And that means "a need to defend" - i.e., to protect. We want to protect ourselves from being hurt, and our need for connection is exactly the spot where we are so wounded. (I say "we" but if I'm wrong, please just leave being anything that doesn't apply or isn't helpful!)
I know with me, one defensive strategy I use a lot is the pre-emptive strike (actually aimed against myself, or against a potential connection). When I get to know someone and feel drawn toward a deeper friendship, toward connection, the strategy kicks in: "I already know this person would not like me - would reject me - if they really got to know me, so I am not going to let them get to know me."
I'm on this topic today because I'm invited to a birthday get-together tomorrow. A small, low-key, friendly gathering in a lovely rural spot. Of the three people I would be most likely to be able to leave my apartment for, two of them will be there - and one of them is the "birthday girl." (But I'm in such a state lately, I'm thinking of "calling in sick.")
They are nice people and pretty good friends, but my inability to trust keeps me from really connecting. Instead I torture myself. So many times, after we've had a really nice evening together, I spend the drive home and all the rest of the evening, sometimes into the next day, tearing myself down for being an idiot - "Why did I say that stupid thing? Why did I fail to say that intelligent or amusing thing? I'm such a loser, I'm sure they hate me now, if they didn't before." Maybe it's not so much that I don't trust them, personally, as that I don't trust nice feelings, kindness, caring. Don't trust, or just remain permanently wary (if there's a difference).
Sorry, I didn't want to hijack the thread! But maybe there's something here too that someone can relate to and feel less alone. Reading the above definitely helped me in that way. Thank you all for sharing.
 
Yeah I can't do it I'm too submissive so I isolate instead. I can't properly hide it unless I'm with my wife. It's really funny because she pushes me in front of her and pretends that things are more traditional and so do I. But really my submissiveness is such a handicap I have to isolate mostly. The other thing that's really disastrous is I start to feel threatened and I act badly. I become abusive as a defense which doesn't work. That's the hardest part and I can't control it. If I'm with my wife though she like gives me signals and I can behave.
 
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