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I've lost myself after many family deaths

Discussion in 'Death' started by Kattie, May 19, 2017.

  1. Kattie

    Kattie Guest

    My father passed away 6 years ago. 6 month before my grandmother, 1 year later another grandmother.
    So many losses in a short time and I haven't been the same person. I've tried therapy, but give up when therapist seems uninterested in what I'm talking about.
    My father's death was the worst one. It happened after Christmas. I somehow feel if I stayed and didn't go back home 3 hours away, maybe it wouldn't have happened or maybe I could have helped. I knew simething wasnr quite right because ge said "make sure you take care of yourself" when I hugged him to go home. 2 days later I got a call he was sent to the hospital. Without thought, my husband and I packed a small bag of clothes for us and our 2 children, jumped in the car for the 3 hour trip. He was in the hospiral for 2 weeks, then sent home on hospice. Just the memories of him so weak and everytime he opened his eyes we would try and talk to him. I whispered "I love you dad". He could barely speak, but got out "I love". His last words to me. He suffered tremoundously. He passed of intracranial hemmorage at 61. I constantly relive everything and every detail. He's in my dreams but doesn't talk. He's just off to the side. I don't know what this means but all I want is to be normal again. I feel we've lost part of mom too. She has not been the same and every year her health is getting worse. So much to take in. I've tried therapy and try to explain these feelings but, as you see, no one wants to listen to a life story. Any advice?
    Ronin, Flip flop and Rain like this.
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  3. Rain

    Rain Believe the children Premium Member Generous $250+

    I have experienced many deaths in my family and what I found each time that people are afraid to talk about death and just do not do it. It is a hot topic and makes most people uncomfortable. I even joined a grief group and it did not help me after my husband died.

    I think the only people who will talk to you about this are people who have experienced it in their own lives and walked in your shoes so to speak. I understand your search to find others who can be comfortable listening to you share your experience. I have been there too. I have a friend who could not be there for me for when my husband died. Two years later her own husband died and now we have grown closer as a result of a shared experience. Common ground seems to be the bridge for me to be able to talk to others about this. I would not wish death on anyone and it is a very painful time in my life to have gone through so I understand your pain and grief. I hope this helps. I am sorry for what you have been through. I know how hard it is to lose a lot of people.
    Junebug and Flip flop like this.
  4. FireSign8

    FireSign8 Active Member

    Dealing with loss takes time & many of us take longer than the rest of society to "get over it". It is all about being about to process the act of life death & loss & apply it to our own lives. That can be scary for people because death is such a personal issue that is based in fear in most of what society & our families teach us. I learned to not fear death by facing it as a passing into another world where we just live a different type of life without our body. I won't know until I actually do die, if this is a true fact, but the religious alternatives leave me with panic & takes from my day to day life in the NOW!

    I was happy to see my Father be out of his pain & fade into darkness. Death is a way out that we all must take someday. Fearing it only makes understanding it less possible in my mind. My stepfather denied me the final act of saying goodbye to my Mother by not telling me she was hospitalized. Someone called my ex 3 months after her death when they had no way to find me. I had the same mailing address. Guess they don't send notes of death in some families!

    Anywho, death never gets easier as time goes by. It just becomes a part of life. I stopped going to funerals when I noticed the only people crying were the ones who never got alone with the deceased when they were alive! Be happy it's not you & try not to leave a mess for your own kids, friends & family to deal with in the event that you suddenly die! I am currently tying to do this for my kid so she won't be sitting around wondering what to do with all of my silly crap & have in boxes!:hug:
    Junebug, Flip flop and Rain like this.
  5. Flip flop

    Flip flop Active Member

    Thank you for your post! Planning ahead out of consideration for loved ones is one of the most caring and truly unselfish acts that one can perform, IMO.
    "Be glad it's not you," is something that helps me feel a bit better about some of the recent deaths in my family I have had to deal with. Sometimes, it seems that some of the simple ways of looking at reality provide tremendous relief of stress and a bunch of worry. Thanks again for your helpful post!
    Ronin and Rain like this.
  6. Nessa7

    Nessa7 Well-Known Member Premium Member Donated

    Have you tried seeing a counselor that specializes in grief? I have never received grief counseling, but it was one of my first therapist's specialties. Maybe it would be more helpful.
    Ronin likes this.
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