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Jim and I Feel Guilty

Discussion in 'Supporter Discussion' started by Kathy, Mar 10, 2007.

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  1. Kathy

    Kathy I'm a VIP

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    Our niece Evie (batgirl) was admitted to hospital about an hour ago, for better pain management. She has cancer and her pain has been horrific as of late. After returning home, Jim and I had a long discussion about Evie. We realized we are very relieved she's in hospital, not only for her sake, but for ours as well! It seems we need a bit of a break from her. The physical illness coupled with her PTSD symptoms have made for some pretty intense times lately. It will be so nice to be able to relax for a while!

    Well, Jim then said he felt rather guilty about that, and I admitted I did too. We know that our feelings are normal and that we must take care of ourselves as well. I well remember being happy when our kids were away for a bit and we could be alone together, and this is a very similar feeling. However in Evie's case, her being so ill and needing so much support, I feel rather nasty for being glad she's not home.

    She's pretty sharp however... just before we left her she said in all seriousness, "I hope you two enjoy your break from me!" So if even Evie realizes we need a break, why do I feel so guilty right now?
     
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  3. Claire

    Claire Well-Known Member

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    Maybe its as simple as you not being able to give her what she needs right now, but what you have done is right for the moment. You are right its normal to feel bad but it'll probably do you all good to have a break. Everyone needs time for themselves.

    Evie is always telling you how much she thinks of you 2 on this forum. I like the way you communicate via the forum sometimes, it makes me smile. I wish I could communicate at that level with my own family. She is lucky to have you 2 looking after her.

    Have a good rest.
     
  4. waynes

    waynes Member

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    Please have alittle fun?

    Jim, Kathy,
    It's understandible that you might feel some guilt, but please don't let it squelch having some R&R.:eek:ccasion: Evie knows that you need it and you can not help her right now.. Please enjoy some of this time.. You both need it and deserve it!!!:hello: :thumbs-up

    Wayne and Marilyn
     
  5. Jim

    Jim Well-Known Member

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    Yes, makes me smile also. Has to do largely with her difficulty with the spoken word. We get many written notes, messages via the forum, even PMs from her on here. I've no complaints about that. We'll take communication with her in any form she'll give it.

    Thank you Claire, Wayne, Marilyn. We plan to have a good rest, and hope it will be as guilt-free as possible.

    Jim.
     
  6. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Kathy, the human soul often feels guilt for thinking about itself over another. Why? Built in genetic mechanism maybe! Maybe more a social issue in which we are raised to feel guilty if we think about ourselves first! Guilt is not all bad, but more about who owns the guilt.

    Lets be honest, Evie is taxing to take care off with cancer and PTSD. We can admit it and believe it, or we can admit it and think it. Thinking something often causes guilt, where believing something does not. You think the time away will be good for you, so your brain automatically creates a requisite amount of guilt as a consequence. So... the solution; to believe you need time away from Evie whilst she is hospitalized and accept that she is taxing mentally and physically to care for full-time, as that is the truth in which you accept, thus the guilt is much less / non-existent. Evie has accepted the truth, so she doesn't feel guilty for you having time away from her, she is not trying to draw you in to be beside her bed the entire time, because she already knows you need a break.

    Food for thought I guess. The moral though is there is a big difference between thinking and believing something. If we don't believe in our thoughts, then we often find negative emotions lingering that we cannot associate realistic measures, commonsense or facts in order to counter balance.
     
  7. jods

    jods Well-Known Member

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    Hi Jim & Kathy

    It's a mixed bag of emotions isn't it?!
    You must be relieved because you know that Evie can have 24hr care & has all the medical support that she needs.
    It's just that the house feels different without her there.
    I know you will still be busy going to see her, but please take the time to do the silly little things that you haven't been able to do for a while.
    It will give you the chance to recharge your batteries a bit too.
    They need the break from us sometimes too!

    Take care.
     
  8. Kathy

    Kathy I'm a VIP

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    Anthony and jods, thank you very much for your insightful answers. I apologize for not having much to say in return. Both Jim and I are rather exhausted, fighting off the flu, and so it's a turning out to be a very good thing to have some distance from Evie at present. We're not feeling guilty anymore! We do still want her back home of course, but I think this break is very necessary for all of us.
     
  9. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    I am glad your not feeling as guilty Kathy... that is a good thing. It took a while for Evie and I to discuss these exact aspects in relation to guilt, hence her contacting you both in the first place, as she had a lot of guilt with expectations, burdening you both, etc etc. She fought past her guilt to be with you again, hence why she understands you both needing time from helping her.
     
  10. Jim

    Jim Well-Known Member

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    Very true. Believe we knew this, but didn't really consider it. Good to be reminded. Thank you Anthony.

    Jim.
     
  11. Kathy

    Kathy I'm a VIP

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    My, it seems like all my husband and I do on this forum is follow each other round and agree! Ha, ha. But I must say, thank you as well for this. Sometimes we don't give Evie enough credit for her insight into matters. She really surprises us at times and seems to know us just as well as we know her. We really are quite proud of her, in spite of enjoying the time apart.
     
  12. TinCanCommando

    TinCanCommando Member

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    Well Mum then I guess it's no different than how you two are in real life then! Shit... always agreeing with each and practically joined at the hip.... bloody annoying. And feeling guilty? For what?? Being the best bloody parents on the planet?? Oh please.

    To be serious, I do understand the guilt. I think I felt a bit of that with Evie myself when I was with her. It was right around trauma anniversary time for her and things were really bad. She was seeing that squishy bag thing or whatever the **** it was. Seeing Eric. Christ it was terrible. I was really useless to her too. It was such a relief to have the two of you take over. I felt selfish, like I failed her, for wanting a break so soon. Well if nothing else I'm glad to know I'm not the only one feeling that way!

    Cheers, Brian
     
  13. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    I can't resist.. I must reply!

    Although I can understand the guilt.. you guys are doing amazing things as a family. I could only imagine this type of support!

    Your family has become my role model for what I want in my support system. I think.. ALL.. of you are amazing. Faults and all.

    Everyone needs a break once in awhile, that is perfectly natural! You too Brian! We are hard work and we know it. We are not the easiet people to live with!

    *hugs*

    bec
     
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