sun seeker
MyPTSD Pro
This is probably going to be long. Hopefully, it's coherent. I posted a thread a couple of days ago, "Frozen in Dread". I am only partially out of the state described there and not fully connected to the world yet. There's a ton of processing involved and I am nowhere near finished, but wanted to document my journey and open it up for discussion. There are so many pieces to this, which to write about first...?
On the other thread, someone called the state I was describing tonic immobility. That gave me pause because I associated that name with a state of paralysis, or playing dead. When I freeze, I am physically still capable of movement, but every instinct tells me to hold still. I spent a long time searching for information on this, and was unable to find any information on whether there is a continuum of tonic immobility. For now, I'm hypothesizing that there is, with playing dead on one end, moving through the state I experience, out through some other states I also experience but don't know what to call. Would love to know what others think or have experienced in this regard. Thinking about how it applies to my life, this continuum would explain much.
I have an anxious attachment style. Knowing my family, that's no surprise, though now I say that I think about my siblings and one of them at least has a very avoidant attachment style. Anyway, I know I've always been this way. I think of being told how when I was three, my mother spent several weeks in the hospital, and my father hired a babysitter for me. I would sit at the window all day long, refusing to engage with her, waiting for my siblings to get home from school. Now I think, was I frozen? There is a huge fear of anything good being taken from me if I'm not 100% vigilant all the time. Losses and betrayals (which are another kind of loss if you think about it) of any kind hit me hard. Very hard. I don't know how to release them. Each one triggers a whole line of them probably going back to pre-birth and my reaction is immediate and visceral. Total freeze. A cognitive approach doesn't work with this at all. It's too primal.
So many things have been shifting in my life just in the past few weeks. Some of you will have read the thread I started, "Working With Body Memories". And have I ever been working with them. Maybe it's just time, or maybe the tools I learned there and elsewhere are just enough to unlock them, or I have enough support now, or a combination of the above. When I look at that thread I can't believe it was so recent. I went from there into knowing the shortness of breath I was experiencing was about something that really happened, but not knowing what, to an intense flashback where I had to recognize that I did know what. That there was at least one time in my life when I was smothered, arms held down, unable to move to protect myself. The details are still vague but the reality of it is now incontrovertible in my mind. Looking at the visual components, I see myself roughly age four, lying in bed afterwards, immobile. I get the sense that if I stayed very, very still I could believe I was dead and not have to feel the overwhelming sense of betrayal, which to a small child has to be devastating to the point of shutdown, unable to cope.
And now, I still don't know how to cope. But I intend to learn. Perhaps it was the combination of that memory and some other stressors that put me in such a frozen state a few days ago.
When this happens, I find a quiet, protected place to curl up, though sometimes if I feel especially worthless, the floor will do. Under furniture works. Bed, wrapped tightly in a blanket, is a step up. I curl into a fetal position, muscles tight, hands made into fists and held in close to my body. My eyes are open but only just - someone called it a dissociated stare and that's apt. My breathing slows. If the house gets cold (I heat with wood) I just pull in tighter. I can stay in this position for hours at a time, or longer. In a less extreme version, with breaks, I've stayed there for months. During the worst of that one my poor daughter was calling me a few times a day to make sure I was getting up, eating a little, keeping the fire going. I feel so guilty about that. I stop eating and drinking, or do so only minimally. Can't say how I'd react if anyone talked to me, because I live alone. Thinking back to when I was a child and did this... hmm. I remember one time as a teenager staying curled up like this in my room for several days, not interacting with anyone, but then, no one tried very hard to talk to me, I think. Memory on that one is vague.
As mentioned, I can move if I absolutely have to. When walking, I am bent over, clutching my stomach at the level of the solar plexus, as if I had a bad stomach ache, though I don't. Protecting my hands and feet - especially my hands - feels very important. Let them stray from closed fists held close to my body and I have the strongest urge to pull them back in. Someone suggested this is part of the freeze response because we need our hands and feet to fight or flee. To me it feels more like if they are exposed, someone will grab them.
So I lie there and will my mind to blank out. I have to say in that state I'd welcome passing out and not having to feel anything, but what happens is a sort of frozen dread. My thoughts do slow down and if possible I drift in and out of a light sleep, without moving out of the fetal position. Time gets blurry.
The continuum part comes in here. I began to understand this as I emerged from this state this time. There is a gradually lessening freeze, for me anyway. Before now I have done nothing in particular to ease this, but just waited for it to pass. Total helplessness, hopelessness, waiting for time to ease the pain or something good to come my way to get me out. This time, I was more proactive, that that has been fascinating.
Lying there, I tuned in to what my body was telling me, and got the impression of being very young and lying there curled up, my mother screaming. I don't know whether at me or someone else. What I felt was the hatred in her voice, how out of control she was, how there was no safe place for me. I got the feeling of being kicked in the stomach repeatedly. I think that part has to be symbolic of how that sense of not being safe feels to a small child.
So okay. I worked a lot, lying there, on psychic protection. (Sorry if this gets a little weird for some people.) Using colours and textures, building barriers around me specific to keeping my mother's energy out. That process went on for a while.
Next I validated myself, telling myself that yes, this was how it felt, as if I was being kicked in the stomach and there was no safe place. All this took a few hours.
I came out of it eventually enough to get on the computer and post my thread on being frozen in dread, but then had to find a safe place to sleep. Even bed felt too vulnerable for a while so I curled up under the piano with a blanket tight around me, then the couch surrounded by pillows to make a nest. Interesting, I have a real terror of being anywhere small and enclosed if there is anyone blocking my exit, but otherwise if I'm alone, small spaces feel protective. I drifted in and out of an uneasy sleep. Had a dream about calling an old friend who said in the dream that she was upset because a relative of hers had just had an arm badly injured or ripped off. ???
The next day I was out of it enough to start working on it. Did a lot of energy work on myself, a lot of praying for protection and healing, a lot of EFT. That wouldn't have been possible in the thick of it. You have to unfreeze to a certain extent before you can tap. You have to be able to pull your hands away from your body. It helped some. I was able to come to the computer again and do lots of research over the next day or two on the freeze state and I have to say, what people have written on this board is much more helpful than anything I found anywhere else.
Still, I couldn't find anything anywhere on whether there is a continuum; the terms freeze state, tonic immobility and catatonia are used interchangeably and there is very little about what is going on internally, what it feels like, what the process of emerging from it involves. Pretty sure I don't have the latter (catatonia) at least in the way the term is usually used. There is a little bit available on the somatic experience, mostly by Peter Levine, and I intend to get my hands on some of his books. I love watching his video clips. Such a kind soul.
Doing lots of reflecting on my life, I gained some insight on how the freeze state has dominated much of it. Looking back, I don't think there is an example of the fight response in my life. Ever. Gulp.
I've said for a long time that I have cycling depression and anxiety, but I'm not sure this is really an accurate description. The anxiety is really flight - trying desperately to control my life so things that trigger that black horror that I feel in the frozen state won't happen. Then something triggers that anyway. I go into the freeze state. Eventually I emerge from it, and then what I've been calling depression all these years ensues. But is that what it really is? I'm tentatively hypothesizing that my depression, at least some of it, is really a less intense phase of the freeze state. I develop something like agoraphobia, but it's not classic agoraphobia, it's an extension of that fear of coming out of the fetal position. I get so I'm afraid, for instance, of going upstairs in my own house. I spend a lot of time huddled in whatever space feels relatively protected. Moving feels unsafe. Eventually I emerge into the outside world, but don't socialize or take risks, always in a hurry to get home to my comfort zone - except it's not really comfortable, just familiar.
I got blamed for this a lot. I spent long stretches of my childhood hiding under furniture or in alcoves, closed in on myself, not wanting to move. Told I was lazy or to "show some initiative". I am in fact anything but lazy. When there is work to be done and I'm in a state to do it, I work 12 hour days or more. Was about to start giving examples but realize I'm being defensive and I'm sure you guys aren't judging anyway, so I'll stop.
With this realization, I started exploring what my body wanted. I wanted it to wake up, uncurl, feel its strength. It disagreed. My arms felt weak, my teeth didn't want to clench, my arms didn't want to uncurl. My hands still felt vulnerable and jerked back whenever I let them stray too far. So okay, I would find a compromise. What would make it safe to move again? Starting with the hands because they were the most symptomatic, first I tried opening them and telling myself over and over that it was safe to do so. They were less than convinced, so I moved on to asking whether there was something besides curling up that they wanted to do, and the answer was shake. So I shook them. Vigorously and for a long time. If you've seen an autistic child flapping their hands, it was like that. The flapping motion expels some of the tension. Rubbing them together works too.
Then my voice. My mind wished I could scream to let out the feeling of being attacked, but my throat would not cooperate. It was still muted in fear. What it would agree to was humming. The same two notes, over and over. Or clicking my tongue.
And so on. I spent a few hours finding ways for my body to unfreeze in ways that felt safe.
Parallel to all this, I read about tonic immobility in rape cases, and how there are researchers trying to get proof that it is a real condition so the claim of "well, she didn't say no so it wasn't really rape" can't be used. It made me reframe some of my own experiences. I was sexually assaulted (not raped) a few times as a teenager and young adult. I never even admitted that to myself because... I didn't say no. I didn't fight. Under attack, I go limp and mute. And it wasn't THAT bad... but looking up the criteria, yes, they counted as sexual assault. After one of these times I went home and told a friend what had happened and her response was "and you LET him?!" Starting to forgive myself for that...
There are more body memories in here. I'm still struggling. But now I have some tools to use. I want to free my mind and body from this freeze state so I can get living my life.
If you've made it this far... thank you. I'd love to know what you think.
On the other thread, someone called the state I was describing tonic immobility. That gave me pause because I associated that name with a state of paralysis, or playing dead. When I freeze, I am physically still capable of movement, but every instinct tells me to hold still. I spent a long time searching for information on this, and was unable to find any information on whether there is a continuum of tonic immobility. For now, I'm hypothesizing that there is, with playing dead on one end, moving through the state I experience, out through some other states I also experience but don't know what to call. Would love to know what others think or have experienced in this regard. Thinking about how it applies to my life, this continuum would explain much.
I have an anxious attachment style. Knowing my family, that's no surprise, though now I say that I think about my siblings and one of them at least has a very avoidant attachment style. Anyway, I know I've always been this way. I think of being told how when I was three, my mother spent several weeks in the hospital, and my father hired a babysitter for me. I would sit at the window all day long, refusing to engage with her, waiting for my siblings to get home from school. Now I think, was I frozen? There is a huge fear of anything good being taken from me if I'm not 100% vigilant all the time. Losses and betrayals (which are another kind of loss if you think about it) of any kind hit me hard. Very hard. I don't know how to release them. Each one triggers a whole line of them probably going back to pre-birth and my reaction is immediate and visceral. Total freeze. A cognitive approach doesn't work with this at all. It's too primal.
So many things have been shifting in my life just in the past few weeks. Some of you will have read the thread I started, "Working With Body Memories". And have I ever been working with them. Maybe it's just time, or maybe the tools I learned there and elsewhere are just enough to unlock them, or I have enough support now, or a combination of the above. When I look at that thread I can't believe it was so recent. I went from there into knowing the shortness of breath I was experiencing was about something that really happened, but not knowing what, to an intense flashback where I had to recognize that I did know what. That there was at least one time in my life when I was smothered, arms held down, unable to move to protect myself. The details are still vague but the reality of it is now incontrovertible in my mind. Looking at the visual components, I see myself roughly age four, lying in bed afterwards, immobile. I get the sense that if I stayed very, very still I could believe I was dead and not have to feel the overwhelming sense of betrayal, which to a small child has to be devastating to the point of shutdown, unable to cope.
And now, I still don't know how to cope. But I intend to learn. Perhaps it was the combination of that memory and some other stressors that put me in such a frozen state a few days ago.
When this happens, I find a quiet, protected place to curl up, though sometimes if I feel especially worthless, the floor will do. Under furniture works. Bed, wrapped tightly in a blanket, is a step up. I curl into a fetal position, muscles tight, hands made into fists and held in close to my body. My eyes are open but only just - someone called it a dissociated stare and that's apt. My breathing slows. If the house gets cold (I heat with wood) I just pull in tighter. I can stay in this position for hours at a time, or longer. In a less extreme version, with breaks, I've stayed there for months. During the worst of that one my poor daughter was calling me a few times a day to make sure I was getting up, eating a little, keeping the fire going. I feel so guilty about that. I stop eating and drinking, or do so only minimally. Can't say how I'd react if anyone talked to me, because I live alone. Thinking back to when I was a child and did this... hmm. I remember one time as a teenager staying curled up like this in my room for several days, not interacting with anyone, but then, no one tried very hard to talk to me, I think. Memory on that one is vague.
As mentioned, I can move if I absolutely have to. When walking, I am bent over, clutching my stomach at the level of the solar plexus, as if I had a bad stomach ache, though I don't. Protecting my hands and feet - especially my hands - feels very important. Let them stray from closed fists held close to my body and I have the strongest urge to pull them back in. Someone suggested this is part of the freeze response because we need our hands and feet to fight or flee. To me it feels more like if they are exposed, someone will grab them.
So I lie there and will my mind to blank out. I have to say in that state I'd welcome passing out and not having to feel anything, but what happens is a sort of frozen dread. My thoughts do slow down and if possible I drift in and out of a light sleep, without moving out of the fetal position. Time gets blurry.
The continuum part comes in here. I began to understand this as I emerged from this state this time. There is a gradually lessening freeze, for me anyway. Before now I have done nothing in particular to ease this, but just waited for it to pass. Total helplessness, hopelessness, waiting for time to ease the pain or something good to come my way to get me out. This time, I was more proactive, that that has been fascinating.
Lying there, I tuned in to what my body was telling me, and got the impression of being very young and lying there curled up, my mother screaming. I don't know whether at me or someone else. What I felt was the hatred in her voice, how out of control she was, how there was no safe place for me. I got the feeling of being kicked in the stomach repeatedly. I think that part has to be symbolic of how that sense of not being safe feels to a small child.
So okay. I worked a lot, lying there, on psychic protection. (Sorry if this gets a little weird for some people.) Using colours and textures, building barriers around me specific to keeping my mother's energy out. That process went on for a while.
Next I validated myself, telling myself that yes, this was how it felt, as if I was being kicked in the stomach and there was no safe place. All this took a few hours.
I came out of it eventually enough to get on the computer and post my thread on being frozen in dread, but then had to find a safe place to sleep. Even bed felt too vulnerable for a while so I curled up under the piano with a blanket tight around me, then the couch surrounded by pillows to make a nest. Interesting, I have a real terror of being anywhere small and enclosed if there is anyone blocking my exit, but otherwise if I'm alone, small spaces feel protective. I drifted in and out of an uneasy sleep. Had a dream about calling an old friend who said in the dream that she was upset because a relative of hers had just had an arm badly injured or ripped off. ???
The next day I was out of it enough to start working on it. Did a lot of energy work on myself, a lot of praying for protection and healing, a lot of EFT. That wouldn't have been possible in the thick of it. You have to unfreeze to a certain extent before you can tap. You have to be able to pull your hands away from your body. It helped some. I was able to come to the computer again and do lots of research over the next day or two on the freeze state and I have to say, what people have written on this board is much more helpful than anything I found anywhere else.
Still, I couldn't find anything anywhere on whether there is a continuum; the terms freeze state, tonic immobility and catatonia are used interchangeably and there is very little about what is going on internally, what it feels like, what the process of emerging from it involves. Pretty sure I don't have the latter (catatonia) at least in the way the term is usually used. There is a little bit available on the somatic experience, mostly by Peter Levine, and I intend to get my hands on some of his books. I love watching his video clips. Such a kind soul.
Doing lots of reflecting on my life, I gained some insight on how the freeze state has dominated much of it. Looking back, I don't think there is an example of the fight response in my life. Ever. Gulp.
I've said for a long time that I have cycling depression and anxiety, but I'm not sure this is really an accurate description. The anxiety is really flight - trying desperately to control my life so things that trigger that black horror that I feel in the frozen state won't happen. Then something triggers that anyway. I go into the freeze state. Eventually I emerge from it, and then what I've been calling depression all these years ensues. But is that what it really is? I'm tentatively hypothesizing that my depression, at least some of it, is really a less intense phase of the freeze state. I develop something like agoraphobia, but it's not classic agoraphobia, it's an extension of that fear of coming out of the fetal position. I get so I'm afraid, for instance, of going upstairs in my own house. I spend a lot of time huddled in whatever space feels relatively protected. Moving feels unsafe. Eventually I emerge into the outside world, but don't socialize or take risks, always in a hurry to get home to my comfort zone - except it's not really comfortable, just familiar.
I got blamed for this a lot. I spent long stretches of my childhood hiding under furniture or in alcoves, closed in on myself, not wanting to move. Told I was lazy or to "show some initiative". I am in fact anything but lazy. When there is work to be done and I'm in a state to do it, I work 12 hour days or more. Was about to start giving examples but realize I'm being defensive and I'm sure you guys aren't judging anyway, so I'll stop.
With this realization, I started exploring what my body wanted. I wanted it to wake up, uncurl, feel its strength. It disagreed. My arms felt weak, my teeth didn't want to clench, my arms didn't want to uncurl. My hands still felt vulnerable and jerked back whenever I let them stray too far. So okay, I would find a compromise. What would make it safe to move again? Starting with the hands because they were the most symptomatic, first I tried opening them and telling myself over and over that it was safe to do so. They were less than convinced, so I moved on to asking whether there was something besides curling up that they wanted to do, and the answer was shake. So I shook them. Vigorously and for a long time. If you've seen an autistic child flapping their hands, it was like that. The flapping motion expels some of the tension. Rubbing them together works too.
Then my voice. My mind wished I could scream to let out the feeling of being attacked, but my throat would not cooperate. It was still muted in fear. What it would agree to was humming. The same two notes, over and over. Or clicking my tongue.
And so on. I spent a few hours finding ways for my body to unfreeze in ways that felt safe.
Parallel to all this, I read about tonic immobility in rape cases, and how there are researchers trying to get proof that it is a real condition so the claim of "well, she didn't say no so it wasn't really rape" can't be used. It made me reframe some of my own experiences. I was sexually assaulted (not raped) a few times as a teenager and young adult. I never even admitted that to myself because... I didn't say no. I didn't fight. Under attack, I go limp and mute. And it wasn't THAT bad... but looking up the criteria, yes, they counted as sexual assault. After one of these times I went home and told a friend what had happened and her response was "and you LET him?!" Starting to forgive myself for that...
There are more body memories in here. I'm still struggling. But now I have some tools to use. I want to free my mind and body from this freeze state so I can get living my life.
If you've made it this far... thank you. I'd love to know what you think.
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