I am not one for opening up. In fact if my problems had not been affecting my work I would never have told anyone. Two people know what is going on and see me regularly, my manager and my colleague. They have both checked in on me regularly, instigating 75% of outside work communications. I have just started to be honest with them, to finally feel like I don't have to hide every emotion I am feeling but I have avoided giving any details.
Today I had a meeting with the head of HR (who is also the CEO). Firstly she told me that not making eye contact was childish and asked me why it was I could speak normally to her and not my manager who was also in the room. I didn't tell her that was because I was only capable of behaving normally towards one of them at a time and just being in there was taking all my energy. She pushed for information on what makes me struggle to cope, I gave her some examples but they weren't good enough. The thing is I don't always know what is going to make me bad, there are too many variables.
All along I have been asked to communicate when I am struggling. To let my colleagues know that I am going to go and do x job because I am getting wound up or starting to panic. I was asked to do this by my manager but now I have been told that it is unprofessional and I shouldn't do it. If I am struggling I am to take myself off and get space then come back when I am ok. If I want to work through it I have to put a brave face on and pretend everything is fine.
The hardest part though was being told I am not to speak to my manager and colleague who have been in contact with me outside of work about how I am feeling. As I said at the beginning I do not instigate most of the conversations and I do my best to not tell them things I worry might hurt them. There have been a few dark moments where I have told them I can't cope and they do know that I am self harming but I haven't told them any more. I mostly talk to them about them as a way to feel a connection with another person.
Now though I have nothing, no one. I don't feel like I can ask how they are incase they then feel they have to ask me how I am. Neither of them have complained about talking to me outside of work but both have said there were moments when they felt out of their depth and that they were very worried about me. The head of HR has said that she has to think about them and their emotional states, which I completely agree with but to tell me I cannot contact them at all has left me feeling more alone than ever.
They are now both terrified that I'm going to do something dangerous because I cannot turn to them for support so I am not sure how this helps them at all!? I feel empty and lost.
I feel like I have just been told off for finally starting to come out of my shell and admit I have a problem that I cannot handle alone. Now I don't want to open up to anyone. I let my defences down but I will not let it happen again.
Today I had a meeting with the head of HR (who is also the CEO). Firstly she told me that not making eye contact was childish and asked me why it was I could speak normally to her and not my manager who was also in the room. I didn't tell her that was because I was only capable of behaving normally towards one of them at a time and just being in there was taking all my energy. She pushed for information on what makes me struggle to cope, I gave her some examples but they weren't good enough. The thing is I don't always know what is going to make me bad, there are too many variables.
All along I have been asked to communicate when I am struggling. To let my colleagues know that I am going to go and do x job because I am getting wound up or starting to panic. I was asked to do this by my manager but now I have been told that it is unprofessional and I shouldn't do it. If I am struggling I am to take myself off and get space then come back when I am ok. If I want to work through it I have to put a brave face on and pretend everything is fine.
The hardest part though was being told I am not to speak to my manager and colleague who have been in contact with me outside of work about how I am feeling. As I said at the beginning I do not instigate most of the conversations and I do my best to not tell them things I worry might hurt them. There have been a few dark moments where I have told them I can't cope and they do know that I am self harming but I haven't told them any more. I mostly talk to them about them as a way to feel a connection with another person.
Now though I have nothing, no one. I don't feel like I can ask how they are incase they then feel they have to ask me how I am. Neither of them have complained about talking to me outside of work but both have said there were moments when they felt out of their depth and that they were very worried about me. The head of HR has said that she has to think about them and their emotional states, which I completely agree with but to tell me I cannot contact them at all has left me feeling more alone than ever.
They are now both terrified that I'm going to do something dangerous because I cannot turn to them for support so I am not sure how this helps them at all!? I feel empty and lost.
I feel like I have just been told off for finally starting to come out of my shell and admit I have a problem that I cannot handle alone. Now I don't want to open up to anyone. I let my defences down but I will not let it happen again.