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Just Lost My Support Network.

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Wyakin

MyPTSD Pro
I am not one for opening up. In fact if my problems had not been affecting my work I would never have told anyone. Two people know what is going on and see me regularly, my manager and my colleague. They have both checked in on me regularly, instigating 75% of outside work communications. I have just started to be honest with them, to finally feel like I don't have to hide every emotion I am feeling but I have avoided giving any details.

Today I had a meeting with the head of HR (who is also the CEO). Firstly she told me that not making eye contact was childish and asked me why it was I could speak normally to her and not my manager who was also in the room. I didn't tell her that was because I was only capable of behaving normally towards one of them at a time and just being in there was taking all my energy. She pushed for information on what makes me struggle to cope, I gave her some examples but they weren't good enough. The thing is I don't always know what is going to make me bad, there are too many variables.

All along I have been asked to communicate when I am struggling. To let my colleagues know that I am going to go and do x job because I am getting wound up or starting to panic. I was asked to do this by my manager but now I have been told that it is unprofessional and I shouldn't do it. If I am struggling I am to take myself off and get space then come back when I am ok. If I want to work through it I have to put a brave face on and pretend everything is fine.

The hardest part though was being told I am not to speak to my manager and colleague who have been in contact with me outside of work about how I am feeling. As I said at the beginning I do not instigate most of the conversations and I do my best to not tell them things I worry might hurt them. There have been a few dark moments where I have told them I can't cope and they do know that I am self harming but I haven't told them any more. I mostly talk to them about them as a way to feel a connection with another person.

Now though I have nothing, no one. I don't feel like I can ask how they are incase they then feel they have to ask me how I am. Neither of them have complained about talking to me outside of work but both have said there were moments when they felt out of their depth and that they were very worried about me. The head of HR has said that she has to think about them and their emotional states, which I completely agree with but to tell me I cannot contact them at all has left me feeling more alone than ever.

They are now both terrified that I'm going to do something dangerous because I cannot turn to them for support so I am not sure how this helps them at all!? I feel empty and lost.

I feel like I have just been told off for finally starting to come out of my shell and admit I have a problem that I cannot handle alone. Now I don't want to open up to anyone. I let my defences down but I will not let it happen again.
 
Work is a place where we have to have our boundaries firmly in place.
The old saying, 'Don't fish where you work' (or something like that) referring to not dating coworkers is very good advice.

I've always found that letting my boundaries down around coworkers has always led to trouble. You HAVE to see these people everyday. If something goes wrong in your personal relationship, it makes working mucho stressful.

Try to start a support system outside of work and for now, just forget about the drama this has caused for you and what they said. Cut it off. Start fresh again and find an activity group, support group, therapist......something where you can be safer. You are never safe in the workplace with personal issues. IMO. Better to get this quickly then spend a ton of time suffering from the after affects.
 
@Wyakin - I am sorry this meeting didn't go the way you were expecting or wanting. It does sound a bit harsh, but perhaps in the end it will be better for your career if none of them know what you are dealing with in detail. The CEO doesn't sound like she understands. What might help is if you get the support of a therapist who can write to the HR department and explain things, rather than you trying to do so in this random way. I know I couldn't do so. My therapist gave me a 'To whom it may concern' letter which I send to anyone who needs officially to know what is the matter with me. They all sit up and notice because it comes from a professional and not just me.

I believe from what you said yesterday that you were hoping your workplace were going to provide you with therapeutic help. Is this still the case? I do hope so for you. But if not, I would really urge you to get yourself a decent trauma therapist - none of us can deal with this on our own.

I am so sorry you feel so abandoned just now; I am struggling with that myself. We are here for you. Big, gentle hugs in the meantime.
 
Eyes not tracking/inability to make eye contact was something called to my attention that I needed to pay attention to. It was not the messanger, but the message I attended to. Enlisting people to run interference for me and my short comings bit me in the ass.
 
@Echo It was very intense. I tried to make sense but she just kept throwing questions after question at me and I could feel myself shutting down. They are still willing to pay for private treatment however we are going to see how long the NHS wait is.

The thing is I know the two people I was speaking to will be sat at home worried about how I am but they won't ask and I won't tell. None of us are willing parties in this decision. I have helped both of them through their own issues in the past and I am supporting one of them even now but they are not allowed to help me and I am not allowed to ask them to.

@The Albatross I have a big problem with eye contact but it is improving. I am able to make and maintain eye contact now when I concentrate but this particular meeting was too intense for me to do it successfully. To be chastised like a child for something I cannot help at the very beginning of the meeting made me feel like an idiot and completely prevented me from being honest about what I struggle with.
 
The remark can be received various ways. Your interpretation was "like a child". Though it is doubtful that that was the inference. Most often, I find, it is an observation - in my present - not a hearkening back to my childhood. Just an observation.
 
I did exercises in making eye contact for several years on and off. Friends and folks from church helped me with this. It helped.

If you have a friend that is willing, you sit down in a comfortable way, talk and joke even, but maintain eye contact. The person can impersonate your boss or the CEO for you, if you can give them some pointers on things they do and say. If you flinch or look away, have the person say and do the same things over and over again for you until you have mastered the eye contact. It can't hurt!
 
Wyakin, I'm sad for your loss and your pain and I'm sorry that you've lost your network. With regards to letting your defenses down, walls that keep others out trap you inside and isolation brings nothing but pain. Have you considered journaling for the time-being? It's not like having a friend to talk to, but at least you can get the words out. When I journal it forces me to put the pain in words. I use it to link the pain I'm feeling to the thoughts in my mind in a way that forces me to slow down and think (best case) and allows me a way to express the emotions safely (worst case). Until you find a human connection it's a way to work with your pain. Best wishes and many hopes for healing.
 
I went through three years of dealing with my husband who had severe dementia and the only support I had was on this forum. People got me through it.

I recommend starting a trauma journal and get support through this forum. It is superior to none at all.

It is so hard to lose friends who support you, as I well know. My whole life was being my husbands care giver twenty four seven and it was a impossible situation.

As for the eye contact, can you look above their heads as though you were making eye contact? Just a suggestion.

I really feel for you. My husband died almost a year ago and I have way more support in the real world now. I am starting over to moving on and starting over in my life.

I am sorry that HR is not understanding of where you are coming from but I agree with those who said not to make confidents of co workers. It will lead to more troubles.

It took so much courage to write this out and you are a skilled communicator. You are not alone, we are here for you.
 
@Wyakin - It sounds like you really took some steps to open up to the two people. Please don't let how things turned out take away all the good from the fact that you did reach out and open up to support. That is a huge step!

It sounds like they turned out to not be the best people to reach out to over the long term, and now you know, and you can keep working at finding even better people to reach out to

Can you do the private therapy even just for the short term until the NHS comes through?

I'm glad you are posting and reaching out here.

Building a support system for myself is something that takes a lot of trial and error. Sometimes, I learn the hard way someone wasn't the best person to include in my battle with PTSD, and it is so hard to get through it and keep trying - but I can tell you that it is so worth it to keep at it.
 
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