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Relationship Just Need Some Support, Pushed Out By A Combat Vet With Ptsd.

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lanagirl28

New Here
Sorry for the book...

My fiance (no longer) just broke up with me a few days ago, the day before I was supposed to come home from a visit with my family in New York.

I met him a few months before he deployed to Afghanistan, and he had already served once in Iraq. He had a very hard time while he was over there, lost about seven of his closest friends. He had often told me I got him through the deployment, and during it we wrote letters and talked on the phone when he had access to one. He came home and of course things were a little different... he was a little different, but things were still awesome. He dealt with things sometimes, got tattoos for his friends, but overall he seemed okay. He got out of the military in April, drank a lot for a little bit, but calmed down. He began college in January, which he was excited about but nervous too... while also working as a security guard. He doesn't like the attention of recognition, doesn't like to be praised for going over there, but also felt like he didn't matter anymore.

Last August he proposed to me... it was the happiest day of both of our lives! We were still so in love, everything was great. By this point we'd been together about a year and a half, and we were staying with his parents while saving up. We got our own apartment, and things were great, but I had been noticing that his temper wasn't how it used to be with me. Before, he could get a little annoyed with his brother for being a pest or something, but never really took things out on me. He also saw counselors and doctors at the VA... he was put on medication but stopped taking it because he didn't like how they made him feel and he had some sexual side effects. After this the mention of going on medication to help him at all angered him so greatly. He asked me to see his counselor, which I did, and she helped me to understand how to go about an argument with someone dealing with PTSD, or even just someone who used to be in the military. I tried this but often felt like he didn't go by the rules. He stopped seeing his counselor, because he said he didn't have time. He

In February we had a fight, and he told me he wanted me to leave our apartment and go stay with my family, maybe just for the semester or something. We agreed that he hadn't had time alone when he returned to try to get back to himself, and maybe this was good... so I boarded the plane. That same day he was calling me telling me how much he missed me, how he couldn't imagine me not ever coming back to our apartment... he slept on the couch for the two weeks I stayed away. We talked about getting help, knowing that we were dealing with things a lot of couples don't have to. After my return neither one of us followed up on counseling, something I regret, but his excuse was he didn't have time, because of school and work. So he went down to part time work... and then ended up dropping out of college; he couldn't wake up on time, couldn't concentrate, couldn't relate to his peers, etc.

Just earlier this month we made the move with his family to Colorado. We were both so excited about our new lives, in a new exciting place. Just before leaving our old town he let me go with him to pick up his complete file from the VA. I was surprised because he let me read it all, when all he disclosed to his parents (who he's also close with) was that he had been diagnosed with PTSD on paper. He also had a birthday near this time, where he didn't let anyone talk to him and spent the whole day in a room by himself. He had been talking on and off about saving money and doing "a walk," pretty much across the country. When he told me this, I told him I would wait, and he expressed his relief because if I hadn't said I would wait he was going to have to do it anyways. So we made the move to Colorado, and he became excited after learning that they had a great VA and an excellent PTSD program readily available. The first week of living in CO held no real obligations... we were just hanging out with a few friends of mine over there, and he seemed so much better. He felt that 'CO was his therapy'. After we got settled into our new home and it was time to start thinking about jobs and such he became more on edge again, lashing out about little things. He had told me he was often having bad dreams, and also expressed anxiety and even a little resentment because he felt like he "always had people relying on him." He got involved with a volunteer firehouse, and even got a job, but I was noticing him drinking more, alone.

I had to go on a trip to NY to see family and straighten some things with school out, and just the day before he got together a bunch of his old favorite books for me to bring to my little brother, writing notes on the inside of all of them calling my little brother his 'little bro' and little bits about how he loved and missed him. We took a ride together and he told me that even though he'd done things he was proud of, he knew the proudest thing he'd ever do was marry me and make me a mother, and how finding all his old books had excited him about our future and our own children. Again, still very in love. We could just touch eachother and get turned on, were still intimate frequently. He took me out to eat and made comments about "oh I can just picture myself when I'm 80 with you..." That night he looked at me and told me, "I'm gonna miss the shit out of you, I always do when you're gone."

The next morning I woke up late for my flight and I was frantic, he wasn't understanding and was very cold, but still said goodbye and texted me right after I left and said "I love you, have a safe trip.. feel better." I cheerfully responded and thanked him for loving me, with a silly face. He responded with "I always will". I should also mention that just before I left we talked about him getting back into counseling, he promised that he'd get that ball rolling while I was gone.

The next week while I was away was fine, we were still talking about the engagement and the venues out in CO and we had a great phone call. That Thursday I found out my mom would need to have emergency surgery, so I needed to stay another week. I called him and he was supportive, told me he wasn't going anywhere and to take care of my family, and he loved me, would just be another long week without me. Saturday we talked and he was still sweet, just a little more distant. Monday I called him and he sounded depressed, his mother said he'd been up at night and sleeping during the days, just going out looking for jobs and going to the firehouse. She said he'd seemed sort of stressed or disheartened. He also quit the job he had found after just a few days. On Thursday I was scheduling my flight for Friday.

He called me that afternoon and said he didn't think it would be a good idea for me to come back, because he didn't know how long he was going to be in CO, because he was going to sell his car and do the walk... something he hadn't mentioned in a while. I asked if he didn't love me anymore, he said that wasn't it... he didn't know, he'd tried to explain what he was feeling, tried to write it down, but had been feeling that way this week. He said he was breaking off the engagement and felt like he couldn't rush the decision to marry me, I said we didn't have to get married yet. In the past he has sunk like this when I'm not around, but he has told me many times I've saved his life and once he sees me he's a lot better. So of course I asked him to let me come home, he said no that he would ship me all my things and I couldn't change his mind. He said he was sorry, and I asked if he still loved me, he said he didn't know. It was so unlike him, he just sounded so cold and robotic, numb. I asked him not to cut me out of his life completely, because we had both promised eachother so many times (him too!) that we would love eachother unconditionally. Just the week before we'd been talking about saving up for our wedding, or just eloping! Now he was saying he didn't know if he could picture himself marrying anyone. He didn't know if it was something I had done, but he just felt that he needed to do this alone and sort out his problems and he could make no promises to me, I shouldn't wait for him.

Now I am struggling because my whole world has been flipped upside down. It's memorial day weekend so I know he's having a hard time, and I just wish I could hold him! Saturday he texted me saying how sorry he was, he never wanted to hurt me or be cold to me or anyone, he had just wanted to help people and that's why he went in, and he even vented a little telling me he wasn't himself and he'd flipped out on his parents, didn't feel like he could go home. I just reminded him that I do love him unconditionally, I knew he would find himself again sometime, I'd be working on getting myself stronger this summer. I told him I wouldn't let him ship my things, because honestly I can't go through that, and I want to see his parents, and hopefully him, again. I am going to go there in a month or so and pack my own things up. In the meantime his mom said he has been very distant and has not seemed happier or more relieved. I have decided to give him time and space, and that maybe he will realize he is just in an episode and will get the help he knew he needed just a few weeks ago. He is so sweet to me when he is not in an episode and that is why I was so shocked that he could do this, everything was on track and now he doesn't know where he is or where he wants to be, doesn't want to be with anyone.

I've been reading my bible and talking to God non stop, and I FEEL that what he is telling me is to not stop loving him... that there's nothing wrong with loving someone, even from afar. I can't make him go get help, and that maybe God is using this time to speak to him privately. He was the one who bought me my own bible, but was not ready to go back to God himself. Everything I feel is that God is telling me to just hold on, to prove to myself and also to my ex that I am strong, and just let him know I am here for him. It is hard when he went from being so apologetic to just "I hope one day you can forgive me and see where I'm coming from..." I sure am trying! I have been reading about PTSD non stop and trying to wrap my head around what could have happened within the week to make just want to throw me away? I know deep down he loves and cares for me. I guess I just need some support.
 
Hello! And UGH!! I am so sorry you are going though this with your love. PTSD is an awful beast at times. It sounds like he doesn't regularly take his meds or go to therapy - he will need to do this if you have any hope of a "normal' relationship. I think you are doing the right thing - taking care of yourself and giving him the space he asked for. I don't have any great advice as I am going through a rough patch with my man right now too. I am here and listening.
 
I am on two weeks of no contact with my ex who also has ptsd... Not sure if he will ever call...but he pretty much told me the same stuff. It has been a rough one lately and I am trying to remain positive, doing positive affirmations etc...
 
Thank you so much for the support! I agree, he DOES need therapy! He's so stubborn though... if anyone pushes it, he'll be gone. I've talked to his parents some - from I've heard has just been on the go... or at least, not at home. He gets like this sometimes, but of course it's weighing heavy on me because I'm like, is he just out living it up? But I know a lot of times he's said that he just has to keep going, going, going so he doesn't really have time to think... but he's close to his dad especially and apparently when either of them try to talk to him he's just been walking away, only coming home long enough to grab a few things and then out the door again. I am just hoping and praying about it... hoping he finds some positive guidance!

Heatherfeather I am sorry to hear that. :( Was it out of nowhere, too? Everyone knows how he is with me, how much we love eachother, I mean sometimes I'm a pain in the ass but c'mon! I keep going back and forth, did he just stop loving me? This has been such a rollercoaster of emotions. I am trying to do the same thing though, just focus on me and I guess I'd want to make him proud, still. Started a new job today - am happy to be around people more, but was still in a funk all day.
 
J. Love it was a roller coaster...we have broken up and gotten back together 3 times already. This last time, I went to say goodbye to him and his son as they were leaving for FL for vacation and that was the last time I saw or hugged them both. By the time he was on his way back, something triggered him and now we are broken up again. Not sure if doing the no contact is hurting or helping but I know I have to heal myself. I keep trying to be positive and not sure if it is the end or not. It has now been a month since I have seen them :(

I feel for you J. Love! Keep positive (I know it is hard)! I have my really bad days and I come on here to read supportive things from other members.
 
I'm with you on this, I have been through this and am going through this. It hurts. I'm sorry. The worst is that they know you are crying and heartbroken and they can't console you or have any empathy. All you need if for him to hug you and ask you to stay. Tell you everything will be ok. That's all you need, that's all I need and I would walk this storm with him and try to see him through. Can someone find a cure for PTSD please??!!! Fact is, God did put us in their life for a reason. We just haven't figured out why yet because we never have any answers. Cherish the beautiful days with him, those days when you catch a glimpse of a bright smile and his sense of humor...I savor those moments. They are becoming more faint now and I am always second guessing myself of what I coulda shoulda said. How I should not have reacted to his hurtful ways. What do we do?
 
Reading these posts have really helped me, I spent a lot of time thinking "here we go, you picked another winner who is just gonna jerk you around" but now I see just how many people are living with same thing I am. I felt in part like I was reading almost verbatim what I would have wrote. The I miss you/I need space, Im no good for you/ I really want to be with you, and its only seemed to get worse the longer were apart. He is up north right now dealing with his home unit and being discharged while Im stuck down south waiting on whatever he decides to do, meanwhile we haven't spoke in a week. He dodges my calls and txts and then will finally call and act like nothing is wrong or go on to tell me how much he hates being there/his life/misses me/ I stress him out. Ugh they need to figure out how to perform lobotomies to remove the damaged parts of the brain that cause all this. Anyway I just want to say thank you, your not alone and now I know Im not either.
 
This is so insidious. I see it so much. It is awful how you can love a person so much and have a life together and everything is going well, and then this happens. It is good to have the supporter section to come to. All you can do is say you will be available, if this is what you want to do. And then let go and try to move on with your life.

I am sorry you are going through this. They have to be in treatment and on medication. When they quit that it goes downhill. They have to hit bottom and who knows how long that will take.

From what I have learned the best thing you can do is to take really good care of yourself and have a life without the person you have been loving. My heart goes out to you. Big hugs.
 
I can definitely relate to you on all of this. The more I'm reading, the more scary it is that SO many women are going through this.. and so many men. What a shame.

I wish I had better advice, but I feel as if I'm feeling the same way with mine. He says he loves me, and hopes one day I will understand why he's pushing me away. That he's angry inside and can't connect with anything. It's a scary thing. But from what I've seen you're definitely not alone, and I hope that he will get his head wrapped around things and get back into therapy! I'm confused as well though, the whole do I wait or do I let it go? Been talking to God myself as well.. and I feel the same. Something inside of me whether divine intervention or just my own brain, is telling me to hang on for him. Be there for him. He doesn't mean to do this; it's the PTSD, it's not really him. I wish you the best! *hug*
 
Thank you so much everybody! I feel like this forum has been so helpful and comforting. :) I can definitely relate to ALL of your stories. I am hopeful for each of your situations.

Right now it's been a month and everything is still weird and just doesn't add up. I've decided to just silently support him. I actually haven't tried to make contact with him, so we haven't talked. I'm happy to say I've surprised my family and have proved to be stronger than I thought... There are still hard days and hard moments where I hear something and over analyze it and it feels like I'm right back where I was the day it happened. Other than that I'm really working on trying to get stronger and make plans for after the summer, because my mind has been changing every day. I just don't even know where I want to be.
 
Ladies, this is all connecting with me, as well. That on/off switch and cyclic behavior, I've endured that, as well. This makes me so sad to hear that just the week before, you guys were making wedding plans. My husband may also have CPTSD, however, his is not ground combat related. He is in aviation, offers ground support. They, unfortunately, have their 'encounters' and stresses in flight. And he only shared that potential 'encounters' were on a weekly basis. I guess the reality that you're being engaged weekly for 7 months will do that, plus he was individually extended to augment relief squadron. Rest of his squadron came home.. we've been together 20 years. I'm doing the same thing and loving him through it, praying for him. THat's all that can be done right now. Husband also told me he is not interested in being with anyone else or even considering thought of remarrying or being with anyone else, just being alone. It's as though they've succumed to their internal feelings and do not want to bring us on the ride. Husband used the term stringing along in reference to not wanting to keep me when this is the way life is for him. No joy. In work, though, he performs fantastic. He's 'on'. It's all a waiting game, isn't it? How do WE meet OUR needs in all of this and stay sane? I read about secondary PTSD, and I think that could easily become my reality, as I also have a chronic health issue.

Lana, have you encountered any of those feelings yourself, just from this back and forth affect that you've been put through.. The rollercoaster? I hope that you have a good Summer and can relax.
 
I've been dating a combat army vet (Gulf War) with PTSD for almost 4 mos. Never dated a veteran before. Last week was his first "disappearance". Like everyone else here, things were going great, then whoosh...he's gone. Yesterday, I went down to the VA hospital to see if he was there, but no he wasn't...so I guess that's good...in a way. Things that keep me optimistic:
1. He is heavily enmeshed in the VA system, on prescribed drugs (more than I've ever seen one human take), and in constant therapy.
2. He is living in a VA facility where they have strict accountability...be home by 11pm, no alcohol, no women, if you don't come in at night you lose your room...he is very proud of how he adheres to their rules.
3. This tells me he is interested in getting well.
3. He's the one that told ME to take a chance in our relationship.
4. I think his increased feelings for me sent him off keel and added increased stressors to his life (I'm not saying that's good...I just think it was difficult for him to process)
5. All the information I've learned in the past few days from this website and others gave me a kind of plan of action where I will keep continuing on with my own life, keep my oxygen mask on, but write him weekly letters...newsy, but supportive, nothing too deep, adding some scripture (which he likes)to give him more support.
6. Let go of the outcome, be his friend first, let him know someone cares for him.
7. Be willing to walk away if I become sick in the process.
Praying for all of you here on this website,
Sincerely,
Dallas.
 
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