Just a nameless man
New Here
I've been lurking around these forums for a bit, but today I decided to sign up. Partially because I could relate to so many things many supporters have said, but more so to express what I've been silent about for 11 years. Hopefully it helps someone, I know just getting it out will help me.
My wife is a PTSD sufferer, and I am her supporter. In the beginning of our relationship, I thought she was just a very structured and introverted person. That was okay with me, I'm by nature a home body and enjoy time with family more than going out. She wasn't overly affectionate, but not mean. Some people are different.
I started to realize that my initial analysis of her personality was incorrect after the birth of our first child. That's when the bouts of rage started. I could do nothing right, and was constantly cut to the bone with her words. I specifically remember a time when we were going to the airport to pick up my father and I made a wrong turn. My father called my cell and asked what our ETA was, I told him and said "I love you" (as we always do when we end a call). She flew off, "I don't know how anyone could love you, you're such a worthless [expletive] up". I cried, I'm crying now remembering it. It still hurts. I didn't understand what I'd done to deserve that, I'd only made a wrong turn and we were there 2 minutes later. There was another instance where my aunt who has been living with MS couldn't take her pain anymore, and ended her life a few days before Christmas. Her response to that was "get over it". I spent the rest of the night crying into my cat, the only one who would comfort me; at that moment, my only friend.
After that it only continued to get worse. She'd tell me that I was too thin or too fat, and that it disgusted her to the point of not wanting to be intimate with me. Her bouts of rage were endless, and I didn't (and still don't) know what I'd done to provoke them. I was broken by her words, a shell of a person. I'm still recovering from that today, but I understand somewhat. Understanding doesn't make it better. I stayed then because we had a child.
She started seeing a therapist, and things got moderately better. She'd still rage, but it wasn't full of personal attacks. More often she'd retreat into herself and stay in bed, sometimes for days. I went from feeling like the scum of the earth, to just feeling alone. Do you know what it's like to lay next to a person, and yet feel so alone? I'm honestly reminded of the GreenDay song Boulevard of broken dreams "my shadow's the only one who walks beside me". There was one time I was in tears (from one of her outbursts) talking to a good friend across a table, and she touched my hand to comfort me. It felt so foreign, like a memory from my childhood of how things should be. Though she was still alive, I mourned the loss of my wife.
For years we've gone through the cycle of intensive outpatient therapy (day programs), inpatient stays, and outpatient therapists. They've helped, but it's taken the better part of 9 years. Three days ago she let me in just a little bit, and I saw the person I knew was there all along. Then she retreated. Those few hours gave me hope that she's still there. I just wish I could see more of her.
Thanks for listening to me ramble on. It's been a long day for me.
- Just a nameless man
My wife is a PTSD sufferer, and I am her supporter. In the beginning of our relationship, I thought she was just a very structured and introverted person. That was okay with me, I'm by nature a home body and enjoy time with family more than going out. She wasn't overly affectionate, but not mean. Some people are different.
I started to realize that my initial analysis of her personality was incorrect after the birth of our first child. That's when the bouts of rage started. I could do nothing right, and was constantly cut to the bone with her words. I specifically remember a time when we were going to the airport to pick up my father and I made a wrong turn. My father called my cell and asked what our ETA was, I told him and said "I love you" (as we always do when we end a call). She flew off, "I don't know how anyone could love you, you're such a worthless [expletive] up". I cried, I'm crying now remembering it. It still hurts. I didn't understand what I'd done to deserve that, I'd only made a wrong turn and we were there 2 minutes later. There was another instance where my aunt who has been living with MS couldn't take her pain anymore, and ended her life a few days before Christmas. Her response to that was "get over it". I spent the rest of the night crying into my cat, the only one who would comfort me; at that moment, my only friend.
After that it only continued to get worse. She'd tell me that I was too thin or too fat, and that it disgusted her to the point of not wanting to be intimate with me. Her bouts of rage were endless, and I didn't (and still don't) know what I'd done to provoke them. I was broken by her words, a shell of a person. I'm still recovering from that today, but I understand somewhat. Understanding doesn't make it better. I stayed then because we had a child.
She started seeing a therapist, and things got moderately better. She'd still rage, but it wasn't full of personal attacks. More often she'd retreat into herself and stay in bed, sometimes for days. I went from feeling like the scum of the earth, to just feeling alone. Do you know what it's like to lay next to a person, and yet feel so alone? I'm honestly reminded of the GreenDay song Boulevard of broken dreams "my shadow's the only one who walks beside me". There was one time I was in tears (from one of her outbursts) talking to a good friend across a table, and she touched my hand to comfort me. It felt so foreign, like a memory from my childhood of how things should be. Though she was still alive, I mourned the loss of my wife.
For years we've gone through the cycle of intensive outpatient therapy (day programs), inpatient stays, and outpatient therapists. They've helped, but it's taken the better part of 9 years. Three days ago she let me in just a little bit, and I saw the person I knew was there all along. Then she retreated. Those few hours gave me hope that she's still there. I just wish I could see more of her.
Thanks for listening to me ramble on. It's been a long day for me.
- Just a nameless man