Cannottakethis
MyPTSD Pro
Last month I told my husband of over 5 years that I wanted a divorce. This was not the first time that I had said this, this was not the first time that the word divorce was brought up. This is not the first time that I had been so upset, so just dysregulated, just so thoroughly hopeless in the relationship that I wanted it to end. Four years ago I had a restraining order against him, this husband because of his abuse. But I took him back as we sometimes do. I have realized that the last five years I have been living in almost constant trauma and fear, waiting for the next insult, put down, or being yelled that. Although I was told that it was always my fault, I know that it wasn’t. I was gaslighted constantly, and although I was told that I was loved, I was treated as if I was despised. When I told my husband last month that I wanted to divorce, he told me no, as if I didn’t have a choice in the matter. There was a weekend of fighting about this, and I got to the point where I decided that dying would be a better choice than staying married to him, so I took all of my medicine, too bad two bottles of Ativan, and just told him I couldn’t do this anymore. Of course this led to a hospital stay and commitment to a psychiatric hospital, but he finally got the message that I can’t be with him anymore. He swears he loves me, he swears he wants to change, but I will never trust him again. He goes through Mood swings where he will say how much she loves me, and then tell me how inconvenient it is that I wanted a divorce and he has to go home with his parents and help maybe I should move home with his my parents even though my father is dying of cancer and it is not possible. He is angry and conniving and trying to get over while smiling at me. Since we have been together, I have been hospitalized psychiatrically eight times. He takes no credit or blame for this, blaming it all on my own says, but I have never been hospitalized in any other relationship or marriage. There has to be something to this. I know it. I’ve been hospitalized more with him then all of my other previous hospitalizations put together. He has kept me in a steady state of hypervigilance, anxiety, and feeling overwhelmed and just negative thoughts about myself constantly as he would insult me constantly and put me down. Always tell me what I should have done instead of telling anything good that I might’ve done.
Since he has left, I feel so much better! Later, and more free. Although I have been on Social Security disability for since 2014 which was his idea, I have applied for some jobs because I feel ready to go back to work. He has taken every bit of my individuality away for me, and all control. I am trying to take control of my life back now and it feels great. Just driving wherever I want to go whenever I want to go feels so good.I didn’t realize how lost I was until he left and I was able to become myself again. I didn’t think I would ever be strong enough to do this, but I am. I am strong, I can do this.
Since he has left, I feel so much better! Later, and more free. Although I have been on Social Security disability for since 2014 which was his idea, I have applied for some jobs because I feel ready to go back to work. He has taken every bit of my individuality away for me, and all control. I am trying to take control of my life back now and it feels great. Just driving wherever I want to go whenever I want to go feels so good.I didn’t realize how lost I was until he left and I was able to become myself again. I didn’t think I would ever be strong enough to do this, but I am. I am strong, I can do this.