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Dom Violence Just out. life begins again

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Cannottakethis

MyPTSD Pro
Last month I told my husband of over 5 years that I wanted a divorce. This was not the first time that I had said this, this was not the first time that the word divorce was brought up. This is not the first time that I had been so upset, so just dysregulated, just so thoroughly hopeless in the relationship that I wanted it to end. Four years ago I had a restraining order against him, this husband because of his abuse. But I took him back as we sometimes do. I have realized that the last five years I have been living in almost constant trauma and fear, waiting for the next insult, put down, or being yelled that. Although I was told that it was always my fault, I know that it wasn’t. I was gaslighted constantly, and although I was told that I was loved, I was treated as if I was despised. When I told my husband last month that I wanted to divorce, he told me no, as if I didn’t have a choice in the matter. There was a weekend of fighting about this, and I got to the point where I decided that dying would be a better choice than staying married to him, so I took all of my medicine, too bad two bottles of Ativan, and just told him I couldn’t do this anymore. Of course this led to a hospital stay and commitment to a psychiatric hospital, but he finally got the message that I can’t be with him anymore. He swears he loves me, he swears he wants to change, but I will never trust him again. He goes through Mood swings where he will say how much she loves me, and then tell me how inconvenient it is that I wanted a divorce and he has to go home with his parents and help maybe I should move home with his my parents even though my father is dying of cancer and it is not possible. He is angry and conniving and trying to get over while smiling at me. Since we have been together, I have been hospitalized psychiatrically eight times. He takes no credit or blame for this, blaming it all on my own says, but I have never been hospitalized in any other relationship or marriage. There has to be something to this. I know it. I’ve been hospitalized more with him then all of my other previous hospitalizations put together. He has kept me in a steady state of hypervigilance, anxiety, and feeling overwhelmed and just negative thoughts about myself constantly as he would insult me constantly and put me down. Always tell me what I should have done instead of telling anything good that I might’ve done.
Since he has left, I feel so much better! Later, and more free. Although I have been on Social Security disability for since 2014 which was his idea, I have applied for some jobs because I feel ready to go back to work. He has taken every bit of my individuality away for me, and all control. I am trying to take control of my life back now and it feels great. Just driving wherever I want to go whenever I want to go feels so good.I didn’t realize how lost I was until he left and I was able to become myself again. I didn’t think I would ever be strong enough to do this, but I am. I am strong, I can do this.
 
Huge congratulations!! Love your title too. Yes, life begins again. One thing I've found
since being free of the near constant abuse, is that it is such a beautiful experience
meeting and speaking with kind people. They are out there, but I totally forgot that
when I was overcome by PTSD symptoms and exhaustion. And just enjoying a peaceful
household. Wow! Bliss!!

Enjoy your newfound freedom. Beware of any hoovering (if he tries to get back together
with you, or revive the relationship in any way). No contact is the only way to go. I discovered
the hard way when I continued speaking with ex by phone and occasionally in person after
we were separated. I wasn't tempted to get back together, but did want to find a sane way
to co-parent. Should have kept with family wizard, communication through lawyers and
no contact all the way.

Again, congratulations!! Enjoy your life. It's precious and short : ). You can do this!!!!!
 
The feeling of freedom is incredible. To have a friend come over, to have friends at all, or to go out with friends.... it’s so amazing to just have friends. And to have control. I love driving. I love being in control of my own destiny. I haven’t been put down or yelled at in 3 weeks and I feel like a new person.
 
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