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Just Waiting For It To Happen Again?

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Leisel

Confident
I feel like my whole life is just sitting here and waiting for someone to rape me, it's always somewhere on my mind even when I'm not consciously thinking about it (which I am probably about half the time). I sometimes try to just make it happen already. Go to dangerous places. Stuff like that. I looked into prostitution, nothing against sex workers, but for me i don't want sex, I would only do it because it feels like I shouldn't be safe.
When I hear loud steps, when I hear the sound of a door opening, when I try to go to bed during the day, when someone touches me from behind, when I shower, when I walk home, when I walk to class. I always feel like it's about to happen, and then when it doesn't, I feel guilty.
It sucks feeling like this all the time and I don't even know what to do. I feel like I'm just sitting around waiting for the next time and after that, it will finally be over. What "it" is, I don't even know.
I don't want to die but I think about suicide a lot and I want this feeling to be over.
It feels like im full of thick dullness, like the air in a steamy room where it's too stuffy to breathe, and somewhere in the corner there's terror banging on the walls.

A couple weeks ago I stayed at an emergency shelter and this boy was hitting on me and kept touching me and stuff and I didn't want him to but I didn't even say anything, I actually kind of flirted back? It was so confusing. I was so afraid to go to bed and yet I expected him to come in and when he didn't I was almost disappointed. Like, I feel like I shouldn't have all this emotion for nothing. I feel like if it happened again I would be validated. I don't want this to be misconstrued, because I really don't want it at all. So why do I have these thoughts and feelings?

Can anyone relate? Or explain?

Or say if it gets better? because I really, really hope it gets better, and that would be good to hear.
 
It does get better. It really does. I am not going to say it is easy..this healing journey. It is hard at times.
But so very very worth it.
I hope you have a Therapist. If not, we suggest you find one that deals with trauma.
We need support and people who understand.
You will find that here.
It takes courage to reach out. To let others know your fears and still be safe.
Hope you keep coming here and sharing and find a Therapist to guide and support you.
Gentle hugs if you accept.
 
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