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Relationship Kissing??

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queen

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Question for those supporters and sufferers out there in relationships.... Is it common when in a relationship with a sufferer to avoid kissing? I've been seeing my sufferer for almost 8 months now. While he's done a lot of warming up in terms of affection (in the beginning, he avoided it like the plague), kissing usually only happens when saying goodbye. A hug and a peck on the lips. But it also took me a long time to norm that behavior with him. However, that's really the only time we ever really kiss. No make-out sessions, no PDA's for damn sure, and no kissing during sex either. I'm a super affectionate person by nature, but I'm learning to pump the brakes for him so he's comfortable and gets there at his pace. Just wondering if others have similar experiences..... Thanks!
 
I'm a sufferer, and no...kissing is not my thing. I don't like my face being touched in general and I'm very sensitive to touch.

I've been married 15yrs and in that relationship for almost 20 total. I still don't like being kissed other than a small kiss on the lips or cheek sometimes. I don't kiss during sex nor do I seek it out.

PDA like hand holding are fine.
 
Isolation and avoiding intimacy is certainly a big part of PTSD for a lot of people.

Speaking only for myself, I avoided all types of intimacy with my wife for a few months & wasn't even consciously aware I was doing it. I didn't kiss or hug her at all, let alone anything else. Once I was diagnosed and started treatment that all started to change along with a lot of other things, although it was all quite gradual.

Hope this helps.
 
Not necessarily the kissing specifically... But my vet definitely has times when he does not want to be affectionate, or even physically touched at all.

It comes and goes with his stress levels. I also know it's a "him" thing, not a "me" thing... It took awhile to figure that out the first time it happened though.
 
What if it isn't a pace issue and he just avoids affection in general? Or is an unaffectionate person even without PTSD? I worry as you state that you're a very affectionate person. So am I. I say this out of concern as I have been with guys who aren't affectionate and I feel starved, even deprived. In the end I realize that I need to be with someone who can show me affection. Otherwise it feels mechanical.
 
It's definitely person specific. I need to feel safe and know they are really safe. I let people touch me, but it's work and I have to put effort into it a lot of the time. Kissing included, it's not my go to, being touched. Some people, it's a love language. Good Lord, it's my husbands! But it's not mine and it's mixed in with trauma.

Sometimes it's getting past the initial pain and know that I do in fact need physical touch. Because I do, even though I fight it and it doesn't always feel good.

But I only let people touch me whom I know very well. Once I learned how to distinguish between good and bad touch and how to understand my body? It got easier to accept touch on a small level, with more consistency.
 
What if it isn't a pace issue and he just avoids affection in general?

Good question. Initially, he avoided all touch except during sex, but even then, no kissing. But it seems that the more time we spend together, the more he accepts touch/affection from me and the more he initiates it. If I give him his physical space, let's say on the couch for example, he'll say, "why are you so far away?" or even will just come over and cuddle with me. He's more prone now to initiate affection than ever before. Only in the past couple months has he initiated the goodbye kiss/hug, because before it was me doing that and I think he just let me.

It's definitely person specific. I need to feel safe and know they are really safe. I let people touch me, but it's work and I have to put effort into it a lot of the time.

This is helpful to hear, and I think this is probably very close to his experience as well. He is a combat vet, so touch isn't necessarily mixed up with his trauma specifically, but he definitely has intimacy blocks/barriers. I can see that he has put a lot of effort into meeting me part way, because my love language FOR SURE is physical touch and his is SO not. So I absolutely appreciate the fact that he's trying and has progressed leaps and bounds in that respect.

The safety thing is something that's always in my mind too, and I've tried to show him every day that he can trust me and be safe with me, and I know that takes a ton of time. But I don't think we would have gotten this far if he didn't think I was a safe person.
 
I think touch for me is somewhat natural, because I don't know the words.

Whatever it is, I think being authentic is most important.

:hug:
 
This really helps for me to hear other people going through this. Although some of it could be the age of my Vet. He is 15 yrs older than me. But he has changed dramatically in his affection. When we first started dating we were having a lot of kissing and 'make out' sessions for lack of a better term. Then it just all gradually changed. I think the emotions overwhelmed him. He is also a recovering Alcoholic. There are times when he can really hug me tight then other times I think I could just walk out his door, say goodnight and he may not do much of anything if I didn't. It can be really frustrating not knowing what to do.

I need to learn better not to 'force' my affection on him when I can maybe sense he doesn't want it. It's a difficult thing to do because I was always the one anyway to initiate any kind of kissing, etc between us even in the beginning. So it's a hard thing to figure out now.
 
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