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Know i’m being stupid but i can’t calm down

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barefoot

MyPTSD Pro
I have been referred to a sleep specialist about my night terrors and I now have to go in to do an overnight sleep study.

I had really been hoping I wouldn’t have to do an overnighter and had sort of convinced myself that I wouldn’t have to as my NTs are very unpredictable so the chances are that nothing will happen while I am there.

However, at my initial consultation a couple of weeks ago, the doctor said I need to do it and that they will only be monitoring and assessing my breathing etc - they are not trying to spot parasomnias including NTs.

He said I would likely have it mid-late February but I’ve now got an appointment for it on 14 January!

I can see the benefit of doing it sooner rather than later and just getting it over with. But I am feeling so, so anxious about it.

The main things I am losing my shit about are:

  • There being a camera in the room and being watched while I sleep.
  • The fact that someone could just walk into my room while I’m asleep (or awake) and do whatever they want.
  • How much they are going to have to touch me to wire me up - including sticking a mic on my throat, which is a body part that holds a lot of anxiety for me.

The whole thing feels so dangerous and so frightening.

Intellectually, I know they’re not just going to be staring at me sleeping all night (they will most likely be watching their screen of readings rather than actually looking at me). And I know no one is going to come in and do anything “bad” to me. They will only come in if I need a trip to the bathroom or if an electrode falls off and needs fixing or something. And I’m sure the staff there are very keen to make patients feel as comfortable as possible.

But knowing these things isn’t making it feel any less frightening. I am in a state.

I know I am being silly and overreacting. I know old stuff is being triggered.
And yet I still feel terrified. I can’t seem to calm myself at all.

Even the thought of a doctor taping a mic to my throat is really distressing and sending me into a complete panic.

I don’t know what to do :-(

How do you calm your fear/panic/anxiety when, intellectually, you know the fear is irrational but that knowledge doesn’t seem to be calming the anxiety at all.

Thanks.
 
Just want to say that I don’t think you’re being stupid or silly or overreacting. You have valid concerns and triggers even if they aren’t logical. Your amygdala is in survival mode. I’m sure you will get some good advice. The only thing I can suggest is to try noticing without judgement. It’s freaking hard, I know.
 
How do you calm your fear/panic/anxiety when, intellectually, you know the fear is irrational but that knowledge doesn’t seem to be calming the anxiety at all.
For me, that's where I go to working on my physical symptoms. Anxiety shows up for me in my breathing patterns, so instead of trying to apply the cognitive stuff and having it not work, I change the strategy to just applying breathing patterns, every time my mind wanders to the stressor. Do you know how your anxiety shows up for you, physically?
 
Is there anyone you’d feel safer, bringing with?

My son has had loads of sleep studies (time to put on the robot suit!), and I always just racked out on the companion cot along the wall. The children’s rooms actually had full fledged sleeping couches/daybeds for parents, just like inpatient... as well as a few of the posher adult facilities we went to... but the soonest available appointment was almost always at the bare bones adult facilities. Still, they’d usually roll a cot in for me / they had plenty on hand. It was a pretty normal thing for a parent or spouse to sleep over, as well.

A safety in numbers kind of thing an option for you?

***

While the children’s facilites were amaaaaazing with “sensory issues” (short speak for any of several disorders that need special handling in regards to touch, light, sound, pacing, etc.) I was super impressed with how well the staff handled a huge assortment of special needs type requests.

Granted, it makes sense. In addition to all the disorders that often require sleep studies (autism, etc.) they’re going to be pretty used to dealing with sleep deprived, nightmare having, pissed off, cranky folk.

Special Handling Required? Has seemed normal order of business in all the sleep clinics I’ve been to.
 
Stupid and silly? Pfft! The concept of sleeping (ie being about as vulnerable as I get) in a strange place seems like a pretty rational thing to get anxious about.

So, as well as reminding myself of all the things that will actually make this experience safe (the things you’ve referred to for example), I’d be saying: Thanks Brain for being in tune enough to be concerned for my safety, good job!

But you gotta do it, it’s going to help make things a whole lot better, so allow the anxiety to be there. Notice it - yup, totally normal anxiety response- and put it to the side where it can sit and continue on in its job to keep you safe. You don’t have to get rid of the anxiety, it’s serving a purpose and it will ebb and flow. But if you stop wrestling with it, and just let it be there on the side, you can go right ahead and do this sleep study anyway. Anxiety watching on from the sidelines:)
 
Thanks for the replies.

@MyWillow and @Ragdoll Circus - thanks for normalising my response. When I read your posts, I could hear what my T would probably say - that I wasn’t being silly, that it makes sense that I feel frightened, that it would help if I could simply acknowledge and accept the anxiety instead of fighting it and giving myself a hard time. It is a hard concept though - when I’m experiencing such high levels of fear, anxiety and panic, all I want to do is make it stop. It does feel like I’m going into battle with myself....which I know is probably counter-productive.

@joeylittle yes, cognitive stuff not working at the moment. Physical stuff...I tend to go into a physical freeze when I feel incredibly anxious. Like I get physically immobilised - because moving somehow feels impossible and dangerous - and I can then just sit rigidly for hours being flooded and overwhelmed with anxiety, stuck in rumination. And when that happens, yes, breath is affected too. I will hold my breath a lot. Or my breathing is shallow. And my chest feels heavy and tight.

@Friday My partner is the only person who I would feel safer with. Well, or my T, but she isn’t going to spend the night with me! ;-) I wouldn’t expect them to be able to accommodate an extra adult in the room. Also, even if they would, it wouldn’t really be practical for my partner to come. Also - and this may be me being stubborn and not helpful to myself - I think I should be able to do this by myself. I would feel like a bit of a failure if I had to have someone in the room with me.

My partner has suggested we try to get a phone call with someone before I go. And I suspect my T will suggest the same thing when I see her next week. I can see how getting clarity around what to expect and seeking some reassurances sounds sensible. But I don’t really know what they will be able to say that will actually help. I suppose, if I spoke to someone beforehand I could maybe let them know I am feeling very anxious (and maybe that I have ptsd?) and I could give them a heads up that I find touch difficult - so wiring me up will feel challenging for me - and that my throat is off-limits? Even my partner doesn’t get to touch my throat! I wonder if they would let me attach the thing to my throat myself instead...

It is also so, so difficult to get through to anyone on the phone there. And the couple of times I have had someone pick up, they have barely spoken English, have sounded in a rush to get me off the phone and have seemed pretty clueless about things - it’s been like a random person walking past has just picked up the phone! So the idea of having a phone call is also something that is ramping up my anxiety even though I think it is probably sensible to give them a heads up.

Bah!
 
@barefoot I identify with you. My neck is where all my anxiety goes to. The dentist-forget about it! I have very disordered sleep patterns and would like to have
a sleep test done. Like you, being watched while I sleep just gives me the Wilkes. But I’d really like to get an explanation about the what, where, when and how of my sleep. So far I’ve refused the test.

Electrodes don’t hurt, I worked for years at a large teaching hospital. The sleep testing tech used to pal around with us in the x-ray Dept on the night shift. He was very smart and interesting. Try to remember that the people who perform these tests are scientists. And another thing, all their movements are on camera. They are experts at what they do. Being watched made it uncomfortable for many of his clients. He’d walk with them and tried to ease their fear of being watched. They know this is difficult for people to accept.

My advice is for you to reframe the experience. Right now it’s flooding you with triggers. Try to be curious at what they can discover. Try to be lucky to have access to the study. Focus on the benefits and tell yourself the benefits outweigh the risk that you fear. Google the subject and see what info you can find. Knowledge is power!!! For me, having people watch me sleep is creepy to me but important to them.try to imagine that the results of your study could very well inform you of what can help you overcome your sleep dysfunction.

If the anticipation is overwhelming then better having it Sooner than later. But I do get your concern about your neck. Maybe intellectually knowing that the folks running the test are there to help you. Consider the fact that ALL of their clients are wracked with trouble sleeping and they are committed to getting you on your way to better sleep.
 
Thanks @KwanYingirl
I am focusing on some of the things you suggested. In particular, thinking of the sleep technicians as “scientists” rather than “doctors”. That may help diffuse some of the fear.

Also definitely keeping my eye on the potential benefits that doing the study will bring. If I don’t do it, I’m not going to get any treatment/improvement so I know I have to push through the anxiety and do it.

I spoke to someone in the sleep technicians department a couple of hours ago and she was very nice and patient with me and talked me through what will happen and answered all my questions.

Good things:
- I don’t have to have anything on my throat - this is a huge stressor that’s now out of the picture :tup:
- It turns out that all the technicians working my shift are female. Having someone in such close proximity and touching me while they get me wired up feels very anxiety-making. But I’m hoping that having a woman do it is going to be slightly less triggery than having a man do it.
- The camera displays a very small, infra red image so they won’t be able to see me in detail. They can really just make out that someone is in a bed. She said the camera is there for patient safety - eg if someone falls out of bed. I suppose this is a bit better than me thinking I am being broadcast on a huge screen in glorious technicolour!

It is good to get some clarity and I am glad I called them. Physically though, my body just still feels so amped. I am still shaking, my throat is still driving my me nuts (I’m realising that in answer to @joeylittle ’s question early in this thread about where in my body I feel anxiety, the answer is probably my throat! I will maybe start another thread about that)

I’m exhausted by all the anxiety. I feel like I should feel so much calmer now I have got more information about what will happen. I just still don’t physically feel any calmer :(
 
@barefoot were you able to make an appointment? If so, you don’t need to think about it anymore. You’ve done your homework and now you can relax. My hope for you is that you can find a way to rest your weary body. Anxiety is exhausting, even at a slow burn. My throat is my danger zone too. I totally get that. But my therapist says that I don’t automatically cover my throat when feeling anxious anymore. Progress not perfection!!!
 
Yes @KwanYingirl I got booked in last week - I’m scheduled to go in for the study this weekend.

Very encouraging for me to see that you have made progress with your throat. When I first started therapy around three years ago, I was hoping that my therapist would be able to “cure” my “throat phobia”. Obviously, that hasn’t happened! I think I was perhaps a bit naive about that :rolleyes: And it’s worse right now than it’s been for ages, so that has felt quite dispiriting.
I have just started a new thread about my throat thing here if you have any other insight, advice or support to share:
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/throat-anxiety.82456/
 
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