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...land Of Confusion

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devildoc130

Learning
So lately, I've been not caring about my job, my friends, my life. I've been breaking down almost everyday crying my eyes out with emotion about my ptsd experience.

But see, I've been getting in trouble at work just so I can feel those normal emotions everyone experiences. (sleeping in late for no reason, talking back to my superiors. I want to get in trouble so I can feel those emotions. They are different emotions then my ptsd emotions. It's so damn confusing.) That maybe I might fit in. This afternoon I am getting written up for being late, and you know what, I don't care. It's like I want to. I keep asking for them to write me up.

So I found out I have trust issues with the people I work with now. That I will not trust anything with them. I used to be stationed with a marine corps unit, which I would trust with my life. We could talk about anything and it would stay between us. It didn't matter if it was a E5 and a E3. But over here at the hospital, it's life changing. They all ask me to go out with them, to the movies, camping, to just relax, but I feel like if I go I am the elephant in the room. "There's that guy, doc, who doesn't fit in, who went to inpatient mental health, who is crazy." "Let's just be his friend cause he is here with us. Lets feel bad for him." I don't want sympathy. I want to fit in. I want the emotions everyone else feels.

When I was admitted to impatient mental health, it was because I wanted to hurt myself, but I did not contemplate suicide. There was no plan, I just thought it would be easier to spend my life with somone checking on me 24/7. I just wanted an emotional release, without dying of course. LOL They put me in group therapy sessions which were just along the lines of the movie Fight Club, they didn't make sense and I didn't care much for them. I even wanted to make a fake name. They had me color and draw, do things little children would participate in, maybe to free my mind or "open" up my soul. I honestly didn't learn anything. I just wanted out of this place, because it didn't make sense to me and I felt like I was not receiving any help from anyone. I left inpatient after 2 days 1 night and headed back to my hospital department. Where, yes, I am still the outcast.

When I was with the Marine Corps, I always was in the field, taking care of my marines. Making sure their feet were dry, they had plenty of water and their bandages were okay. Now I work everyday at a Goddamn desk, typing away like a government robot, getting papers for the brass, making coffee, runnning errands. Taking care of a white board. Making sure it, "he" has enough markers, it's clean, the patients initials are spelled correctly.. the front desk is clean.

I'm so damn confused about what I am doing here. I don't want to be in this position anymore. I don't want to take care of a white board and all it's friends. I don't want to deal with checking printer paper and ink. I want to move with my marines. I want to be me again. I have less then 5 months left here in Okinawa, and I am confused.
 
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I do admin work and like it, but you've pretty much listed all the aspects I don't like. If your heart doesn't belong there at all, and this is the kind of work you're having to do... I can imagine you must want to be you again.

I'm not sure I agree with your take on other people seeing you as an outcast and only asking you to socialise because they feel bad for you. Maybe they're willing to get to know you, rather than make assumptions. If you'd let them.

But it sounds like you've got so many feelings breaking out, this might not be a time for going to a movie after a day with the printer ink and the whiteboard. Have you got anyone you can talk to? A therapist? Anyone who understands?
 
Yes I have a therapist and a psychiatrist. I've been seeming both for a long time. I've been having suicide thoughts everyday. It's been really bad. When I sit alone and eat my lunch before going into the or. I hear then, the doctors, nurses, techs, and I feel like they would be better off without me..,,
 
They all ask me to go out with them, to the movies, camping, to just relax, but I feel like if I go I am the elephant in the room. "There's that guy, doc, who doesn't fit in, who went to inpatient mental health, who is crazy." "Let's just be his friend cause he is here with us. Lets feel bad for him." I don't want sympathy. I want to fit in. I want the emotions everyone else feels.

Where, yes, I am still the outcast.
I understand how this feels. Nobody at work understands what I'm going through and the ones that do make me feel like a freak. I don't fit in at all.

Welcome to the forum @devildoc130 This forum has been a godsend to me. Keep posting.
 
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I think fitting in is an illusion. It took me so many years of my life to realize this. I do not fit in and I never will, because I am one of a kind and unique. It took me so many years to realize this too.

I tried to force myself to fit in to find friends but it never worked for me.

I have tried so many groups.

I hope you do what Hashi said. You really need to do this for yourself you are so worth it.
 
It's been a few weeks now.. and things have settled down. I still have these reoccuring thoughts but they're not as bad as before. I've talked to my therapist about everything....so...

The hospital I work at, will be sending me (against my will... because I was sent to inpatient mental health a couple weeks ago) to a group next week, I forgot the name, but I'll let you all know how it goes. Then they are sending me to another group, intended for traumatic PTSD. I'm not too sure how I will like group therapy.. I will be posting my thoughts about this whole thing next week. (the group therapy sessions...they are 8am - 230pm for a week)
 
I'm glad things have settled down. I'm glad the recurring thoughts are at least as not as bad as before. And that you talked to your therapist about everything - respect for you doing that.

Wishing you well for the group therapy. I wouldn't know how I'd feel during group therapy either. Let us know how it goes.

Sending good thoughts your way, if OK.
 
So... I went to the group session. It was called OCPP and we all learned CBT techniques/mindfullness. It was actually a very good group. At first I was a bit nervous but after being there for awhile it was easier to open up. The group lasted a week. I am also thinking about going to a PTSD group as well. Once I recieve more information I will let you all know about it. Thank you for all the support. Cheers.
 
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