devildoc130
Learning
So lately, I've been not caring about my job, my friends, my life. I've been breaking down almost everyday crying my eyes out with emotion about my ptsd experience.
But see, I've been getting in trouble at work just so I can feel those normal emotions everyone experiences. (sleeping in late for no reason, talking back to my superiors. I want to get in trouble so I can feel those emotions. They are different emotions then my ptsd emotions. It's so damn confusing.) That maybe I might fit in. This afternoon I am getting written up for being late, and you know what, I don't care. It's like I want to. I keep asking for them to write me up.
So I found out I have trust issues with the people I work with now. That I will not trust anything with them. I used to be stationed with a marine corps unit, which I would trust with my life. We could talk about anything and it would stay between us. It didn't matter if it was a E5 and a E3. But over here at the hospital, it's life changing. They all ask me to go out with them, to the movies, camping, to just relax, but I feel like if I go I am the elephant in the room. "There's that guy, doc, who doesn't fit in, who went to inpatient mental health, who is crazy." "Let's just be his friend cause he is here with us. Lets feel bad for him." I don't want sympathy. I want to fit in. I want the emotions everyone else feels.
When I was admitted to impatient mental health, it was because I wanted to hurt myself, but I did not contemplate suicide. There was no plan, I just thought it would be easier to spend my life with somone checking on me 24/7. I just wanted an emotional release, without dying of course. LOL They put me in group therapy sessions which were just along the lines of the movie Fight Club, they didn't make sense and I didn't care much for them. I even wanted to make a fake name. They had me color and draw, do things little children would participate in, maybe to free my mind or "open" up my soul. I honestly didn't learn anything. I just wanted out of this place, because it didn't make sense to me and I felt like I was not receiving any help from anyone. I left inpatient after 2 days 1 night and headed back to my hospital department. Where, yes, I am still the outcast.
When I was with the Marine Corps, I always was in the field, taking care of my marines. Making sure their feet were dry, they had plenty of water and their bandages were okay. Now I work everyday at a Goddamn desk, typing away like a government robot, getting papers for the brass, making coffee, runnning errands. Taking care of a white board. Making sure it, "he" has enough markers, it's clean, the patients initials are spelled correctly.. the front desk is clean.
I'm so damn confused about what I am doing here. I don't want to be in this position anymore. I don't want to take care of a white board and all it's friends. I don't want to deal with checking printer paper and ink. I want to move with my marines. I want to be me again. I have less then 5 months left here in Okinawa, and I am confused.
But see, I've been getting in trouble at work just so I can feel those normal emotions everyone experiences. (sleeping in late for no reason, talking back to my superiors. I want to get in trouble so I can feel those emotions. They are different emotions then my ptsd emotions. It's so damn confusing.) That maybe I might fit in. This afternoon I am getting written up for being late, and you know what, I don't care. It's like I want to. I keep asking for them to write me up.
So I found out I have trust issues with the people I work with now. That I will not trust anything with them. I used to be stationed with a marine corps unit, which I would trust with my life. We could talk about anything and it would stay between us. It didn't matter if it was a E5 and a E3. But over here at the hospital, it's life changing. They all ask me to go out with them, to the movies, camping, to just relax, but I feel like if I go I am the elephant in the room. "There's that guy, doc, who doesn't fit in, who went to inpatient mental health, who is crazy." "Let's just be his friend cause he is here with us. Lets feel bad for him." I don't want sympathy. I want to fit in. I want the emotions everyone else feels.
When I was admitted to impatient mental health, it was because I wanted to hurt myself, but I did not contemplate suicide. There was no plan, I just thought it would be easier to spend my life with somone checking on me 24/7. I just wanted an emotional release, without dying of course. LOL They put me in group therapy sessions which were just along the lines of the movie Fight Club, they didn't make sense and I didn't care much for them. I even wanted to make a fake name. They had me color and draw, do things little children would participate in, maybe to free my mind or "open" up my soul. I honestly didn't learn anything. I just wanted out of this place, because it didn't make sense to me and I felt like I was not receiving any help from anyone. I left inpatient after 2 days 1 night and headed back to my hospital department. Where, yes, I am still the outcast.
When I was with the Marine Corps, I always was in the field, taking care of my marines. Making sure their feet were dry, they had plenty of water and their bandages were okay. Now I work everyday at a Goddamn desk, typing away like a government robot, getting papers for the brass, making coffee, runnning errands. Taking care of a white board. Making sure it, "he" has enough markers, it's clean, the patients initials are spelled correctly.. the front desk is clean.
I'm so damn confused about what I am doing here. I don't want to be in this position anymore. I don't want to take care of a white board and all it's friends. I don't want to deal with checking printer paper and ink. I want to move with my marines. I want to be me again. I have less then 5 months left here in Okinawa, and I am confused.
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