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Relationship Lets Talk About Sex And Intimacy

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My sex drive is up and down like a toilet seat. I wouldn't doubt it's from my thyroid disease since the thyroid does control hormones.
 
In my experience, self esteem, exhaustion, medication, trauma experiences all affect my libido. The problem is that hubby used to see this as a sign that I did not love him, and he felt quite emotionally rejected. Which upset both of us. Because this was not the case, I loved him very much, I was just miserable and emotionally disconnected.

I am a little different to some of the other posters here, in that I needed to 'feel' loved and emotionally connected to be intimate. This was no reflection on his loving actions towards me (kisses and compliments galore), but more to do with how I feel about myself, how miserable the 'trauma stories' make me and how 'emotionally numbing' it can be.

I started to recognize that he was feeling emotionally rejected, and when I was not in the right 'mood' I acknowledged this and reinforced with him that it was 'just not good timing' and that 'I loved him very much' and 'don't want him to feel rejected'.

This is probably too much information but I'll tell you anyway....

I also tried 'tasteful board games' to try to make it more fun and more intimate. I figured that if we could laugh and slowly become more intimate then that would help....unfortunately some of the board game 'cards' triggered me - have since relocated all possible triggering cards to the garbage bin :D :roflmao: :x3:

I also think that 'me' being in 'control' in the bedroom has helped a lot in the past...With time, good communication and a lot of hard work on self esteem, things can get better. But it can be important for a suffer to be in control and establish boundaries with carers - the don'ts if you will - and that these boundaries are respected.

Considering I am about to embark on the process of conceiving, sex will have to be on a timer (if that doesn't work then its IVF....not an easy process for a sufferer). Not sure how I will cope with this....but I hope that I have done enough work in therapy and on our communication, so that we can, as the doctor advice, make like rabbits when it is time.:eek::x3:

Does anyone have any tips or stories for those of us whose traumas started so early, many of them being sexually-based traumas, that we have no idea what a sex drive is, what it feels like to want emotional, physical, sexual intimacy from anyone? Even the concept of attraction is extremely fuzzy, although I think I have more grounding on that than on anything else.

Is there any hope for someone like me?

Nomad, There is always hope. Wondering if exposure therapy might help you.... If you have a partner...... that is allowing a small amount of controlled intimate actions such as touching your cheek and working your way to more intimacy from there. You have to repeat the various actions a few times until you can handle the action without anxiety. Make sure you feel safe when trying this and best to talk through with your T.

In summary, in my experience you need to love yourself to feel the love offered by another. Feeling emotional connections may be more 'internal' in nature than they are about the giving and receiving nature of things.

Try not to take it to heart too much carers, after all, it is our 'issues', not yours.

Have I shared too much????? :unsure: :x3:
 
Nicolette, with age, breast become gravity ladenned.... my shoulder blades and back bone would feel like they were on fire at least 60-70% of the time. But with all that is going on, I have had to postpone that project. I was looking forward to that surgery for ... let's say ... 90 % physical pain reasons and the rest was for I was getting tired of the looks.

Would a lift help? If it was causing back pain, I'd totally get them reduced. I have the opposite problem and i'm self concious about it and want to get it fixed the other way but yes it costs money. =) I can say i'm proporitonal since i'm skinny. But I was fine with my chest before I had kids and then that plus breast feeding well, they get smaller when you don't want them to. LOL. Well now, I have a question going the other way since you've had a problem with men going for the size of your boobs. I guess it's not really a question at all but i'm afraid I wouldn't be sexually attractive to a guy because of the size of my breasts. It goes from one extreme to another, doesn't it? Not only that but talking about sex in this thread, I don't have such a high self esteem when it comes to that to be honest. Like okay in midst of divorcing my husband, getting to that point, and I think oh geez what if someone else wouldn't want me because I was the one who was rejected sexually in the relationship. My husband had a problem and it wasn't personal and he says i'm beautiful just the way I am but it still hurt. And actually he's attracted to women he can't have so oh ha ha now that we're pretty much done it's like I am so desirable...It's the same for me too as in if i'm not with him then I feel like it doesn't matter if he rejects me because it's just sex and no emotional ties. Oh too funny. We're both messed up. But I spent years going unnoticed and ignored in my marriage and it was pretty one sided and I put up with it all because oh geez it was safe. And now I just feel like I am so used to that, you know being ignored and rejected that a part of me just thinks I am not good enough and worries that a man I cared about would just I don't know break up with me or something after we had sex. Which well, who wants a man who would do that anyway really but there's still that fear of someone not wanting me because of everything I went through with my husband.
Since I was diagnosed with PTSD and it came out, then yes it's like what Nicolette touched on to a point of I am okay being friends with my husband and having sex but anything romantic like kissing and anything like that is just not comfortable for me. Although I wonder if it's the PTSD or just him because I don't know if I want to be with him in the first place. I hope I didn't freak out all the guys on here. SIGH. I guess it was really supposed to be for the supporters so I hope you guys don't mind me commenting and yes, i've been on the receiving end of getting turned down for sex because of my spouses' problem.
 
I am a sufferer, so i hope it is alright for me to post here.

I just want to say it is nice to see that other people feel the same ways I do. My biggest problem is I just do not feel pretty or attractive anymore. I am in a relationship, but it gets very hard for us because it is very hard for me to get in to that sort of mood. She thinks it is because of her, and I have tried to explain it to her that its me not her. But it has still made things hard between us.

Froggie, I definitely know how you feel as far as big boobs. Mine have always been big, and it makes me so self-conscious because I wonder whether people are talking to me or them, ya know? I did consider getting a reduction, but then I was like "no, they are me." I have had big boobs for as long as I can remember LOL. I shouldnt have to change because someone else cant control themselves.

You go girl!!! I love it. You're an awesome example for the rest of us women. Should I think that in opposite terms with my chest? Like this is me. Clothes can be hard though when you're small and it's like everything just drowns you cuz you're skinny. It would be nice if things fit right. But then I would be changing myself and you brought up a hell of a point.
 
I will just say that forcing sex can be bad too. I have hated when, even when I am assured it's "OK" and I say ahead of time that it's OK to stop at any time, when I find out later that there were flash backs and memories, and it was somehow suppressed at the time, dissociation or whatever. I feel terrible and after this happens several times, I am less inclined to believe it IS OK. I'd rather not do anything than to retraumatise. I understand that, given an abuse history and all the powerlessness that implies, it is hard to voice "stop". But it is very hurtful to me to find out after the fact that those feelings occured. And it's not that I am not trying to watch for any sign of a problem. Just TELL me! I DO NOT want mercy sex. I will not HAVE mercy sex.

If, as a sufferer, you cannot do it, let me know. Don't just go along. You have the right to say NO. No matter HOW long we have been married. You can say NO

ISH

Oh wow, you sound like you have a handle on your wife's PTSD and are a great support for her. You are right that it is hard for us who have been traumatized sexually to say no and stop, but all you can do is the best you can which is what you are doing. And you can't blame yourself for something like that because we're the ones who need to manage ourselves and tell others how we feel.
 
What "Doh" said really sparked an interest in me. Maybe exposure therapy can help. But at the same time it is ever frightening.
 
I will just say that forcing sex can be bad too. I have hated when, even when I am assured it's "OK" and I say ahead of time that it's OK to stop at any time, when I find out later that there were flash backs and memories, and it was somehow suppressed at the time, dissociation or whatever. I feel terrible and after this happens several times, I am less inclined to believe it IS OK.

ISH

Hi I Support Her,

Just wondering if you sat down and had a conversation with your sufferer about what it was that triggered her? Was it during or after sex? When compared to times when she was not triggered (if any), what is the differing factor? Look at mood before as well as triggers during, and ask about 'negative internal self talk' after (that's where we internally tell our selves nasty things about ourselves). Could communication and boundary setting help a little?

It may be hard to hear what went wrong in the bedroom, so try to take a scientific approach and don't let yourself get upset. There are some things that you can't change, but maybe, if there is a 'specific' action that triggers her you might be able to avoid it and make her feel safer by making it a boundary or no go area?

What "Doh" said really sparked an interest in me. Maybe exposure therapy can help. But at the same time it is ever frightening.

Hi Lostregien,

Let me explain a little exposure therapy activity using my 'intimacy cards' from the board game. Please talk to T about trying this and always put your own safety first. Don't try exposure therapy with sex itself, focus on other 'intimacy' triggers....

Example Trigger: Heart beats, hearing your own defining heart beat with rape.

Intimacy Card: Says sit cross legged opposite your partner. Place your hand on your partners heart so that you can feel their heart beat. Stare into your partners' eyes for 5 minutes.

Explanation: So you start (fully clothed) and do this for as long as you can. When triggered, leave it for a few days, then come back to it and try again when you feel better. Repeat this process until you feel your heart beat slow. Try adding one minute at a time until you are comfortable reacting 5 minutes. When your heart slows, you will notice that your heart beat starts to match with your partners heartbeat. That's a lovely intimate feeling. When ready, you can move onto removing items of clothing and repeating the same action.

No sex involved, it's about exposure to non sex triggers (rather intimacy triggers), and about reconnecting and reducing triggering around acts of 'intimacy'.

Caution: Suffer must be initially well when trying this. Don't even suggest it if a suffer is in 'trauma story waterfall' mode. There may be 'triggering' with these small activities because they target the 'actual' trigger, but exposure therapy is all about leasing the anxiety reaction when this happens. Again, please try to address intimacy triggers without sex being involved - trust and safety is so important.

Hope that helps,
 
Sex and intimacy...what is that again?
*scratches her head and remembers it are complicated things from a long long time ago*

I like sex. I like sex with men I am not involved with. No strangers, but just the FWB type of thing.
I also like sex with someone I love, but it will only work in the beginning of the romantic realtionship. After a while my sex drive fades, and until now I always connected it with the fact that it means the love is gone.

I've had one long term relationship, and the only thing that was good and stable during that relationship was sex. The relationship itself was toxic, but the sex was good.

When I am in a commited warm relationship my sex drive just fades away very fast.

I havent been in a serious relationship for over 6 years now, so I dont now how it would be now, but I geuss that it will be problematic to keep the sex drive and the lust alive.

In the last couple of years my sex drive fluctuates from high ( couple of days) to low ( couple of mothns), when I feel the urge to release myself I masturbate.
I cant even imagine myself with someone anymore, I cant imagine what intimacy was like anymore, it seems so far away and unreachable.
 
I'm sad to see this thread is cold. Hopefully someone will answer regardless.

I'm in an increasingly positive relationship with a PTSD sufferer but it seems, the better things get, the more our sex life is fraught with anxiety (to perform well and not dissapoint, according to my sufferer). He can be affectionate but if I try and push things further, he clams up, shuts down, and subsequently feels like shit about himself (note: his trauma is not sexual).

Having your sexual advances make your partner feel "uncomfortable" can really make a person feel like a creep for wanting sex. Additionally, the idea of making the if/when of sex entirely up to him makes me feel like a tool (I only get "used" when my bf feels like it).

It is hard to tune these thoughts/feelings out AND hard to accept that I can't ask for the closeness that I want when I want it. AND I think it is only normal for supporters to feel rejected when we're rejected. We may be zen masters but we're only human, right? ;)

Still, I need to accept that this is a small sacrafice that I am making to be with the man I love, a strong guy who has had a crappy life and currently suffers from PTSD.

I'm just struggling in 'woe is me' territory right now, and could use some words of encouragement.
 
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