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Life Feels Like A "and What Then" Game.

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Just a bit of my flow of thoughts. Life being a what then game. But why do all of that.

For example, a brief look at a normal life and the society set goals.

"You have to finish college! And what then? Get a job! And what then? Get married! And what then? *insert some other life stuff* And what then? - well, if you are done, just wrap up life and die"

I feel like there is no sence in life, everything just being a game, a set of repetitive tasks. A story that gets repeated. I sometimes feel my life will turn into that, just chasing goals for the sake of goals themselves, without any meaning. Just like chasing power for the sake of being a person with power, no meaning. I am afraid that there will be a day when I will look back at what I did, at what I achieved, and that I will just see an empty shell, a meaningless life. Just achieving goals for the sake of being a person that does that stuff. Feeling like the life was set upon me, but by accident. Like I was supposed to have a different life. Stuff I achieved in life, it feels like I did it just to be the one to do those things. Like doing a wierd task that makes no sense in a game, just to get some achievement. But why.

It turns into a "What then?" game. Without meanings. I feel like it's all an act.

Why do I do mathematics, why am I good at it, why do I attend math competitions? I don't know, I don't know anymore... Because someone told me to. Because someone told me that I'm good at it, and that I should do it. I feel like my life is fake, like it is just a planned out setup. A piece of code without meaning. I don't know why do I do stuff I do, if in the end I'll probably just die cold and alone.

Why am I even at this, at the game of life? Thats the question that runs my mind as tears flow down my face.
 
Here's a secret I'll let you in on: you don't have to do any of that stuff. Yes, okay, with your family as it is it makes your life easier for the time being to keep doing it, granted. But what you are describing is the illusion of success, and for many it starts in infancy: practice your flash cards as a toddler so you can get into the right preschool so you can get into the right kindergarten so you can get into the right school so you can get into the right college so you can get the right job so you can get promoted so you can retire with a big savings account so you can die and... not take any of it with you. A lot of people get to their deathbeds before they figure out it was a waste of time. You're figuring it out now, which is really good news. It means you can choose to do something else with your life, something you want. And no one but you gets to decide what that is. I wish you had a home environment where you could relax more and have time to find what you like, but at least, your mind is miles ahead. As long as you are not hurting anyone else, no one should get to tell you how to live, and as long as you are able to make enough money to pay your bills, the work you end up doing can be whatever you want. It doesn't make you a failure if you don't end up doing what your parents have decided for you.

Did you like math for its own sake before your parents started pressuring you do excel at it (if you can remember such a time - it sounds like you've been pressured since you were very young). If there were no pressure, no competitions, would you still want to do math? (Personally I am in awe of mathematical geniuses. It's a language I don't speak, but as I understand it an incredibly beautiful one. Can you still feel that beauty?)

Every child is born ready to learn and explore. None is inherently bad or lazy. It sounds like your inner spark, your zest for life, has been dulled by all that has happened to you. That doesn't mean you won't find it again. I believe it is still in you.

So you're right - all these things are fake. That doesn't mean you are fake because you have been manipulated into participating in them.
 
My therapist has told me that I'm not allowed to ask myself "Why?" questions. He says, if I absolutely have to, I can ask him, but he'd rather I came up with a better way to ask the question. There are a lot of "why?" questions that don't have answers, or don't have helpful ones.

Life can be exactly what you're describing. For a lot of people it IS just what you're talking about. But it doesn't have to be. We have free will (at least I believe that) and we can make choices.

You ARE young and you have your whole life ahead of you. (Are you getting sick of hearing that, from us old people?) You can decide what you value and what you love and what you want to devote your life to. You can even change your mind in a month, or a year, or a decade. YOU get to decide what your life means. When you're young, and are depending on your parents for food and shelter, they DO get to tell you a lot of stuff. But you still get to decide what's important to you and you still get to decide what you value in life.

There will be days, no matter what, when you wonder what you're doing here and think that your life is a waste. There will be other days when the universe aligns and you know that you're doing what you were meant to do.

My T tells me too, that most of his clients, in the end, decide that life is about loving and being loved. He says you can love people, places, and things. He actually ASKS "What's your reason for getting up in the morning?" He thinks we all need one. But he also thinks we each get to pick out own.

So pick your reason. Pick what works for you now and realize it will probably change. You're smart, you're funny, you're thoughtful. You have a lot of positive energy to contribute to the world. If you ask me, you were put here to do that. But that's just me. You get to pick your own reasons.
 
Roflmao :roflmao:... That's exactly the game I play when I'm freaking out. Because it lays out clear courses of action (cold logic, huzzah!) in what is a highly emotional situation. Whether it's "I forgot my homework." Or "I have cancer". And I play it in several different ways (one, ridiculous, which is what my emotions tell me... And the others, logical. It usually starts out with "Really???" Or "But probably/more likely").

The version of the And Then What game that you just played? It only payed out one course of action. And it IS a course of action.

Try finding others. From logical to bizarre. Have some fun with it, but also know when you don't have enough data to solve for X and stop. Or research likelihoods to increase your data set. Easiest way to vary your answers is to pick a point in the middle and skew it. For example: go to college or buy a house. Pick a different variable.

- Join the circus, enlist in the military, become a firefighter, start a business, artist in colony, cook on a scientific ship going to the Antarctic (hundreds of jobs with no college needed... Although in many, college is useful).

- Live on a boat traveling the pacific rim. Backpack around the world. Live out of hotel rooms. Homestead (build a house out of local materials). Caravan.

As soon as you start messing with those variables? The logic tree changes dramatically. In both directions. Because what you need to do in order to get there changes, as well as what your life looks like afterward. There are so many thousands upon thousands of variables, that put all together? They no longer form a clear course of action. That's the richness and variety of life. Far more than one path from beginning to end. But they all begin, and they all end? What will be your middle? What will be your choices? Where will you take your life? <grin> So many possibilities.
 
There is no ultimate meaning in life. Just make the most of the time you have here. Fill your life with the things and people you enjoy. Return the favour by being the joy in others lives as well.
 
Learning what your personal values are will help you narrow down what will make your life most fulfilling for you.

For example I, like many here, had a rough childhood and the moments where someone was kind stick out for me...and it's not anything they did for me, it was that their attitude was kind. As a result one of my values is kindness.

So, I could not be a police officer as (at least from my narrow perspective) you sometimes would need to be strong or harsh with people to protect others. While I appreciate strength like this is important and a value for others, it is not a core value for me. I very much respect the police, it's just not the right fit for me personally.

My chosen job has nothing directly to do with kindness but my industry is a respectful one so it suits me.

I'm not saying I am a brilliantly kind person, but I could not be happy in a profession that required me to be "unkind" at times.

Maybe you enjoyed maths because you enjoy puzzles and solving problems. This can be a value...but maybe it's not yours, or maybe it is but your maths has moved away from puzzles to winning. Externally visible success can be a value too, but from what you posted this does not seem to be one of yours.

Hope that helps you find some direction.
 
Life itself doesn't have any special meaning. Your questions are human beings' questions. Everyone should find their special meaning. For most people serious diseases such as cancer make their life meaningful!!! For me studying Irvine D Yalom's books was helpful. Generally existential psychology could be helpful for you.
 
I feel wierd, about the way logical thinking gets cancelled out on me sometimes, when I think logically, I easily see that life is just an accident, that happened out of a chance with many many possibilities, I see all of that, completely logical, but during anxiety strikes I get to those thoughts I can't accept myself thinking easily. I am confused by myself a bit. I see some meaning in my existance, but I see it was just a thing that worked. I just happened to be the genetic code that will become me, that will be like this because of coding. I can't accept myself being a social being. I can't accept myself not being a logically thinking computer. But I got a virus, and for me the virus is being human. I feel like I'm doing something that I shouldn't if I want to have something such as good emotions. I should be a computer that does the task perfectlt, but I'm a faulty product. Argh! I hate this state, this emptyness of depression.
 
I can relate to your feelings. We are all human beings. Yes, we are different, but basically we are the same. I myself think that if in this world there are people who are happy and enjoy their life, so I can be happy too. When I feel like you I try to be gentle with myself because I AM HUMAN. Sometimes happy, sometimes sad. Sometimes meaningful, sometimes empty. Sometimes perfect, sometimes faulty. Sometimes logical, sometimes emotional. Sometimes...
Not sure how much it was helpful, but I want to say that I can really understand you.
 
Life itself doesn't have any special meaning.
Dear @Whitebird, I find this statement rather shocking. And to be honest, I would be very, very careful to whom I would say this and at which occasion... Because first, it is a philosophical ideology rather than a scientific provable one. So it should be handled as a philosophical one.

I doubt, that this is an essential, all-encompassing "truth"... If it is your personal perception, then please say, that it's your personal opinion. Because otherwise, such a strong (philosophical) statement like this, told to a 14 year old boy, or maybe someone other who struggles with suicidal ideation's, or massive depression or whatever, could develop into a deadly spin... That's why I wanted to emphasize the importance of being careful and mindful with our personal beliefs / opinions. This is my personal opinion, about it.
 
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