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List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd

Discussion in 'Social' started by anthony, May 7, 2006.

  1. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    The Husband Store!

    A store that sells husbands has just opened in NewYork City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, er, a catch .... you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband . ..

    On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

    Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

    The second floor sign reads:

    Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

    The third floor sign reads:

    Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

    "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

    She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

    Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.

    "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

    Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

    Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!
     
    aut555, Anrish, Pilgrim and 34 others like this.
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  3. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Armies new Risk Assessment, allows soldiers to express the real risk and Officers to understand. View attached .pdf file.
     

    Attached Files:

    Anrish, Ronin, Friday and 4 others like this.
  4. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    The things in life that annoy us the most! View attached image.
     

    Attached Files:

  5. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Female Drivers

    I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.

    "Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why.

    I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day. Off these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper, I pass atleast another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

    According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

    That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

    Give her the finger? I don't think so.
     
  6. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Did you know:
    • The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for: Blood plasma.
    • No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.
    • Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
    • You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
    • Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.
    • The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
    • The King of Hearts is the only king WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE.
    • American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.
    • Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. (Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you!)
    • Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
    • Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN!
    • The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the first "Marlboro Man."
    • Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE!
    • PEARLS MELT IN VINEGAR!
    • The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola and Budweiser, in that order.
    • It is possible to lead a cow upstairs... but, not downstairs.
    • A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
    • Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)
    • Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S. president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second? William Jefferson Clinton (Please don't tell me you're SURPRISED!?!!)
    • And the best for last..... Turtles can breathe through their butts. (I know some people like that, don't YOU?)
     
  7. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Dog For Sale:

    Answers to the name of Dolly. FREE to approved home, will eat anything, excellent guard dog. Loves other small-dog breeds!!.

    Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more kids, thieves, murderers, rapists or molesters left in the neighbourhood.

    Your help will be appreciated....
     

    Attached Files:

  8. piglet

    piglet Well-Known Member

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    I noticed a small oversight in your first post on this thread Anthony. You missed the Wife Store:

    Floor 1: These wives love sex.
    Floor 2: These wives love sex and have money.

    The Wife Store has been very successful and floated on the stockmarket. The reason for their amazing success is the low rental of their business property. They only need 2 floors.
     
    Ronin, Snowwhite, discarded and 7 others like this.
  9. madjon

    madjon Active Member

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    two goldfish in a tank one turns to the other and says how do you drive this thing?

    allright bad joke

    :wall:
     
  10. madjon

    madjon Active Member

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    ok a better one i promise.

    translation

    A company was producing an english-language movie.
    In one scene, an exhausted messenger was suppose to dash in, collapse and gasp out a vital message in swahili.
    The company even found someone who knew the language.
    The scene worked beautifully in the movie -- until it played in an african town where swahili was well known.
    A moment of high drama nose-dived into comedy as the panting messenger gasped out:

    I dont think im being payed enough for this part!



    some bumper stickers

    Dont play stupid with me...im better at it!
    Faster than a speeding ticket.
    Adults are just kids with money.
    Reality is a nice place to visit, but i wouldnt like to live there.
    A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
    Dont meddle in the affairs of dragons for you taste good with ketchup.
    If you can read this then you should know im carrying dynamite.
     
    AS1975, nimkekaa, Jen93 and 2 others like this.
  11. piglet

    piglet Well-Known Member

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    I love this one. I want a t-shirt with it on! I already have one that says "I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here".
     
    AS1975, melody, nimkekaa and 7 others like this.
  12. YoungAndAngry

    YoungAndAngry Well-Known Member

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    I've had that exact graphic tacked to visor in my car for over 2 years now, lol

    Gives me that chuckle when I want to strangle the driver next to me
     
    nimkekaa and p-no like this.
  13. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    He he he.... Smartarse Piglet! I like it... and I really like the shirt concept with that statement on it... maybe we should start a PTSD shop here with shirts outlining relevant sarcastic statements and reality themes???
     
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