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List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by anthony, May 7, 2006.

  1. anthony

    anthony MyPTSD Admin Staff Member Premium Member

    The Husband Store!

    A store that sells husbands has just opened in NewYork City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, er, a catch .... you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband . ..

    On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

    Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

    The second floor sign reads:

    Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

    The third floor sign reads:

    Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

    "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

    She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

    Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.

    "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

    Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

    Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!
    cherryblossom, JA9W, Ninja and 27 others like this.
  2. anthony

    anthony MyPTSD Admin Staff Member Premium Member

    Armies new Risk Assessment, allows soldiers to express the real risk and Officers to understand. View attached .pdf file.

    Attached Files:

  3. anthony

    anthony MyPTSD Admin Staff Member Premium Member

    The things in life that annoy us the most! View attached image.

    Attached Files:

    A helpmate, nimkekaa, p-no and 5 others like this.
  4. anthony

    anthony MyPTSD Admin Staff Member Premium Member

    Female Drivers

    I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.

    "Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why.

    I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day. Off these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper, I pass atleast another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

    According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

    That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

    Give her the finger? I don't think so.
  5. anthony

    anthony MyPTSD Admin Staff Member Premium Member

    Did you know:
    • The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for: Blood plasma.
    • No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.
    • Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
    • You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
    • Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.
    • The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
    • The King of Hearts is the only king WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE.
    • American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.
    • Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. (Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you!)
    • Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
    • Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN!
    • The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the first "Marlboro Man."
    • Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE!
    • PEARLS MELT IN VINEGAR!
    • The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola and Budweiser, in that order.
    • It is possible to lead a cow upstairs... but, not downstairs.
    • A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
    • Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)
    • Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S. president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second? William Jefferson Clinton (Please don't tell me you're SURPRISED!?!!)
    • And the best for last..... Turtles can breathe through their butts. (I know some people like that, don't YOU?)
  6. anthony

    anthony MyPTSD Admin Staff Member Premium Member

    Dog For Sale:

    Answers to the name of Dolly. FREE to approved home, will eat anything, excellent guard dog. Loves other small-dog breeds!!.

    Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more kids, thieves, murderers, rapists or molesters left in the neighbourhood.

    Your help will be appreciated....

    Attached Files:

  7. piglet

    piglet New Member

    I noticed a small oversight in your first post on this thread Anthony. You missed the Wife Store:

    Floor 1: These wives love sex.
    Floor 2: These wives love sex and have money.

    The Wife Store has been very successful and floated on the stockmarket. The reason for their amazing success is the low rental of their business property. They only need 2 floors.
  8. madjon

    madjon New Member

    two goldfish in a tank one turns to the other and says how do you drive this thing?

    allright bad joke

    :wall:
  9. madjon

    madjon New Member

    ok a better one i promise.

    translation

    A company was producing an english-language movie.
    In one scene, an exhausted messenger was suppose to dash in, collapse and gasp out a vital message in swahili.
    The company even found someone who knew the language.
    The scene worked beautifully in the movie -- until it played in an african town where swahili was well known.
    A moment of high drama nose-dived into comedy as the panting messenger gasped out:

    I dont think im being payed enough for this part!



    some bumper stickers

    Dont play stupid with me...im better at it!
    Faster than a speeding ticket.
    Adults are just kids with money.
    Reality is a nice place to visit, but i wouldnt like to live there.
    A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
    Dont meddle in the affairs of dragons for you taste good with ketchup.
    If you can read this then you should know im carrying dynamite.
    AS1975, nimkekaa, Jen93 and 2 others like this.
  10. piglet

    piglet New Member

    I love this one. I want a t-shirt with it on! I already have one that says "I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here".
    AS1975, melody, nimkekaa and 7 others like this.
  11. YoungAndAngry

    YoungAndAngry New Member

    I've had that exact graphic tacked to visor in my car for over 2 years now, lol

    Gives me that chuckle when I want to strangle the driver next to me
    nimkekaa and p-no like this.
  12. anthony

    anthony MyPTSD Admin Staff Member Premium Member

    He he he.... Smartarse Piglet! I like it... and I really like the shirt concept with that statement on it... maybe we should start a PTSD shop here with shirts outlining relevant sarcastic statements and reality themes???
  13. anthony

    anthony MyPTSD Admin Staff Member Premium Member

    Wow... 2 years... you must have a sore hand from bitch slapping all those people? :rofl:
    nimkekaa and ericaboo like this.
  14. YoungAndAngry

    YoungAndAngry New Member

    nah... just makes me smile when I read it...

    although I do get a lot of comments from people after they see it, lol,

    Be back soon, with some jokes hopefully!
    nimkekaa likes this.
  15. Kerrie-Ann

    Kerrie-Ann New Member

    Things you wish you could say at work:

    • I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit
    • I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a #$ck!
    • How about 'never'? Is 'never' good enough for you?
    • It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word your saying.
    • You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
    • I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
    • Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
    • I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.
    • I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter.
    • I'm out of my mind but feel free to leave a message.
    • I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
    Springer80, p-no, ericaboo and 3 others like this.
  16. madjon

    madjon New Member

    out of the water.

    The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.

    everyone knows, the mother lectured him, that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool.

    oh really? said the lifeguard, from the diving board !?!?
  17. Shadow

    Shadow New Member

    There was the awesome shirt which this not-awesome guy I knew had which said "WWJD, for a klondike bar?"

    I always loved "my karma ran over your dogma."
    missmary likes this.
  18. piglet

    piglet New Member

    Something else that always makes me giggle - go to angryalien.com. It's lots of 30 second animations of major films re-enacted by bunnies. It's excellent.
    p-no, TSG, Penguin and 1 other person like this.
  19. anthony

    anthony MyPTSD Admin Staff Member Premium Member

    I like the bunnies Piglet... interesting take on things. Another is Joe Cartoon ... for the sick and twisted as we are...
  20. anthony

    anthony MyPTSD Admin Staff Member Premium Member

    He he he he he he... http://www.joecartoon.com/pages/tenpump_full_anim
  21. Shadow

    Shadow New Member

    FOAMY! www.illwillpress.com
    TheBubzilla and TSG like this.
  22. anthony

    anthony MyPTSD Admin Staff Member Premium Member

    :rofl::rofl::rofl:

    Oh god Shadow... that was piss funny... thanks for that!
  23. anthony

    anthony MyPTSD Admin Staff Member Premium Member

    An appropriate read for not just the world cup passed, but all world cup, football and sporting events.

    Attached Files:

  24. anthony

    anthony MyPTSD Admin Staff Member Premium Member

    A little bit of thought goes along way!

    There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door.

    When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course the Madam said no. He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Annie. THAT'S the girl I want." Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

    He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"
  25. anthony

    anthony MyPTSD Admin Staff Member Premium Member

    Letter: Mrs. Fenton,

    Our store is considering banning you and your family unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras.

    MEMO

    Re: Mr Bill Fenton ­ Complaints

    15 things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse/partner is shopping:

    1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
    2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5 minute intervals
    3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
    4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... and watched what happened.
    5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay-buy.
    6. September 14: Moved a 'Caution ­ WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
    7. Septembber 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
    8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
    9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
    10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
    11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
    12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna Look" using different size funnels.
    13. December 18: Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
    14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the foetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!!!"

    (And; last, but not least!)

    15. December 23: Went into the fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!

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