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List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by anthony, May 7, 2006.

  1. cragger65

    cragger65 New Member

    Popeye,

    That first story killed me ;D and the second one is kinda sweet... kids eh, so innocently funny. My God daughter is turning 5 next month, and she is a genuine clown... confindent as all get out, too!!

    Oh yeah, and please do share any more that come to you, I'd enjoy them for sure.
  2. Marlene

    Marlene VIP Member Premium Member

    Welcome to Florida!

    Attached Files:

  3. She Cat

    She Cat VIP Member

    Marlene,

    Do they call that road "Suicide Alley?" Nice place for a stroll.. NOT!!!!!!!
  4. gdf

    gdf New Member Premium Member

    Well, at least we all now know the answer to that old joke: Why did the chicken cross the road...
  5. popeye

    popeye New Member

    My son spent the night at a friends house. This friend has an older sibling who tends to share things with my son I would rather him not know until the time comes. He came home the next day and went into the bathroom. All I heard was "Mom!" and my wife apparently heard the rest of what he said. She got up off the couch and stood by the bathroom door and asked him to repeat what he said. She burst out laughing and sent the boy to me to repeat what he said to me. Once again with complete confidence he says "Dad, I think I am having puberty." (he was 7 at the time) This brought a slight smile to my face but I asked him (because I had to understand his thinking) "what makes you think you are having puberty?" He answered me right away with full confidence. "Because my gums hurt."

    My oldest daughter was sitting on the floor in only a diaper watching tv one day and drinking apple juice out of a sippy cup. She asks me a question which I don't remember but she stood up as she was asking the question and she burped. I will never forget the look on her face her brighten the room smile as she said "Oops, I farted out of my mouth!"
  6. cragger65

    cragger65 New Member

    Freaking hilarious!!! ;D

    Kids are comedic geniuses in the best way :)
  7. cragger65

    cragger65 New Member

    Children & Child Birth

    Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

    Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

    The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

    Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place... smack his ass again!!!"
    Mayhem, amethist, She Cat and 4 others like this.
  8. popeye

    popeye New Member

    I have decided my son is probably the funniest child in all of the world. I was recently prescribed a sleeping pill so I could get some rest after my hernia surgery a few years ago. I had gone to bed and had just fallen asleep and was in between asleep and dreaming when I heard the sound of water. It sounded kind of like I was peeing the bed so I woke up with a start. Enough that I checked myself and since I wasn't wet I listened and the water sound was still happening. I cracked an eye open enough to see a shadow in the doorway about the size of my son. I flicked on my touch lamp and sure enough here is my son SLEEP WALKING and peeing in a shoe box in my doorway. I shouted at him "Jamie! What are you doing!?" He replies to me in a very sleepy voice half mumbled " I have to go potty!" I giggled just a little and said "Ok buddy but please do it in the bathroom." He mumbled back "Ok. Where is it?" "Two steps to your left buddy." I replied. Just another wonderful dad being dad of the year.
  9. Marlene

    Marlene VIP Member Premium Member

    Maybe it's my mood, but I about peed my pants laughing at this. :rofl:

    Attached Files:

    Medic72 likes this.
  10. Jimmy

    Jimmy Active Member Premium Member

    During a recent password audit, it was found that a
    blonde was using the following password:

    "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySydney"

    When asked why she had such a long password, she said
    she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters
    long and include at least one capital. :rofl: :rofl:
  11. popeye

    popeye New Member

    First of all i have a migraine right now so my words might be jumbled here.

    My oldest daughter is not afraid to be seen going potty at all. I was cooking my special bacon grilled cheese sandwiches when the child comes flying out of the dining room and goes into the bathroom. She left the door open because apparently she had to go that bad. Meanwhile my son walks up to her and tells her to hurry up because he has to go. I return to my cooking until I hear something making a thumping sound from the bathroom. Thinking she was struggling to get a glass of water again I walked to the doorway. Here she is sitting on the potty banging herself in the head real hard with her fist. Thinking this was a bit different I asked her what she was doing. Again with the delivery of a professional she responds right away "I have to beat the poop out!"

    Will wonders never cease from these kids?
    Mayhem, cragger65 and (deleted user) like this.
  12. She Cat

    She Cat VIP Member

    Dear Mr. James Thatcher,

    I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20
    years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard
    Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or
    salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the
    beach in tight, white shorts.

    But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings.
    Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it
    is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I
    feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

    Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered
    from 'the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my 'time of the month'
    is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
    violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body
    will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an
    inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

    As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no
    doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your
    customers' monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about
    the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense
    mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize
    it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend
    Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a
    George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy
    was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

    The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is
    just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to
    the reason for my letter.

    Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted
    to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always
    maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:
    'Have a Happy Period.' Are you freakin' kidding me? What I mean is, does
    any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual
    smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did
    anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it,
    James?

    FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will
    never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to load yourself
    up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't
    march down to the local WalMart armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy
    plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

    For the love of God, pull your head out, man!
    If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad,
    wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent,
    like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are
    you just picking on us?

    Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
    immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
    chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly
    miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of
    condescending bull crap. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

    Sincerely
    gdf, bonnecanyon, TLight and 7 others like this.
  13. amethist

    amethist The Mystic Duck Staff Member Premium Member

    :rofl:Brilliant, good job I did not have a drink in my hand or I would have had a drenched laptop again.

    Thankfully I no longer have this kind of problem.

    Amethist
  14. Marlene

    Marlene VIP Member Premium Member

    OMG....I laughed so hard I almost peed myself!!! 'Put the hammer down'. Now THAT'S a public service message! :thumbs-up

    And the wings, oh my lord, the wings. The first time my husband saw a pad with wings he got this really strange look on his face and asked if they were going to fly out of my panties!! :rofl:

    That was great, Wen...thanks for making me laugh.

    Lisa
  15. Nicolette

    Nicolette ♡ Princess ♡ Staff Member Premium Member

    Very funny Wendy.
  16. cragger65

    cragger65 New Member

    On the Way to the Wedding

    On their way to get married, a young couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates, waiting for St. Peter to process them into heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; could they still get married in heaven?

    When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked.. Let me go find out," and he went back inside.

    The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in heaven together forever?"

    Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in heaven?"

    St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

    "OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted.. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a Lawyer?!?"
    Tiger Kitten and (deleted user) like this.
  17. popeye

    popeye New Member

    Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.

    After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

    Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

    The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

    Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

    With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

    Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."
  18. cragger65

    cragger65 New Member

    Little Johnny Jokes

    Just when you thought you'd heard them all...


    [B][/B]
    Beautiful

    One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzy, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

    "Very good, Suzy," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

    "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

    "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.

    "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just f**ing beautiful!!'"

    =====================================================

    Definitely

    A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

    First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."

    The teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can sometimes be gray, or black."

    A second little boy says,"Trees are definitely green."

    "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are red and yellow and brown."

    Then little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?"

    The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

    "OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants!"

    =====================================================

    Let the Punishment Fit the Crime

    One day, Little Johnnywas playing in the backyard. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around his head, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in a rage. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, thought about it for a moment and said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"

    Later that afternoon, Johnny happened upon some butterflies. He was bored, and still a little miffed about the no honey rule, so soon started catching them and crushing them between his palms. His father caught him again, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"

    Later that day, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and shrieked when she saw cockroaches scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead.

    Johnny turned to his father and said, "Are you going to tell her, or should I?"

    =====================================================

    God's Handles

    Little Johnny came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back, with its legs sticking up in the air.

    When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our rooster's dead and his legs are sticking up in the air. Why are his legs sticking up in the air?"

    Thinking quickly, his father said, "Well son, those are God's handles. That way, God can reach down from the clouds and lift our poor departed rooster straight up to heaven."

    "Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when his Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

    "What do you mean?" asked his father.

    "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom, and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Sweet Jesus, I'm coming, I'm coming!!!"

    If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down, we'd have lost her for sure!"

    =====================================================

    The Moral of the Story

    In a classroom of third graders, the teacher says to the kids, "Today, class, we will be telling stories that have a moral to them." She explained what a moral to a story was, and asked for volunteers.

    Little Suzie raises her hand. "I live on a farm and we have a chicken that laid 12 eggs. We were all excited to have 12 more chickens, but only 6 of them hatched."

    Teacher: "That's a good story, Suzie. Now what is the moral?"

    Suzie: " Don't count your chickens before they are hatched."

    Teacher: "Very good Suzie, anyone else?"

    Ralphie pipes up: "Yes teacher, I was carrying some eggs I bought for my mom in my bicycle basket one day, and I crashed my bike and all the eggs got broken."

    Teacher: "That's a nice story, what is the moral?"

    Ralphie: "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

    Teacher: " Very good Ralphie, anyone else?"

    Little Johnny: "Yes teacher. My Aunt Karen was in the Gulf War, and she parachuted into enemy territory alone with only a gun, 20 bullets, a knife, and a six-pack of beer. On her way down, she drank the six pack. When she landed, she shot 20 Iraqis dead, killed ten more of them with her knife, and then strangled the last 15 with her bare hands!!"

    Looking shocked, the teacher asked, "Very interesting, Johnny... but what is the moral to your story?"

    To which Little Johnny says, "Don't f**k with Aunt Karen when she's drunk!!"
    Mayhem, Marlene, amethist and 5 others like this.
  19. ISupportHer

    ISupportHer Supporter Member Premium Member

    Album Images 1

    Attached Files:

    Nadia likes this.
  20. popeye

    popeye New Member

    A man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
    One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child... If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
    She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

    To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, And write
    'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the Child support payment to begin.

    One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
    'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'
    'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed
    And watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

    On the card was written:

    'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.
    cragger65 and (deleted user) like this.
  21. Jimmy

    Jimmy Active Member Premium Member

    Women Drivers

    This morning on the freeway, I looked over to my right and there was a Woman in a brand new Mercedes doing 110 kms per hr with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

    I looked away for a couple of seconds !

    And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

    As a man, I don't scare easily.

    But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the meat pie out of my other hand.

    In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel,
    It knocked my mobile phone away from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs.

    The coffee splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the darn phone, soaked my trousers,
    and disconnected an important call.

    Bloody women drivers!! :thumbs-up

    Jimmy
    anthony and (deleted user) like this.
  22. popeye

    popeye New Member

    A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
    He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.


    The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
    pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
    Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.


    The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
    A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a
    man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
    She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.


    "I feel terrible,"he explains,"I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

    The blonde says, " Don 't worry."
    She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
    She walks over to the limp,dead rabbit,bends down,and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

    The rabbit jumps up,waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
    Ten feet away the rabbit stops,turns around and waves again,
    he hops down the road another 10 feet,turns and waves,
    hops another ten feet,turns and waves,
    and repeats this again and again and again,until he hops out of sight.

    The man is astonished.
    He runs over to the woman and demands,
    "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

    The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
    It says..

    "Hair Spray -

    Restores life to dead hair,

    and adds permanent wave."
    Marlene and (deleted user) like this.
  23. Nicolette

    Nicolette ♡ Princess ♡ Staff Member Premium Member

    How To Make A Woman Happy

    It's not difficult to make a woman happy.

    A man only needs to be:
    1. a friend
    2. a companion
    3. a lover
    4. a brother
    5. a father
    6. a master
    7. a chef
    8. an electrician
    9. a carpenter
    10. a plumber
    11. a mechanic
    12. a decorator
    13. a stylist
    14. a sexologist
    15. a gynecologist
    16. a psychologist
    17. a pest exterminator
    18. a psychiatrist
    19. a healer
    20. a good listener
    21. an organizer
    22. a good father
    23. very clean
    24. sympathetic
    25. athletic
    26... warm
    27. attentive
    28. gallant
    29. intelligent
    30. funny
    31. creative
    32. tender
    33. strong
    34. understanding
    35. tolerant
    36. prudent
    37. ambitious
    38. capable
    39. courageous
    40. determined
    41. true
    42. dependable
    43. passionate
    44. compassionate

    WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

    45. give her compliments regularly
    46. love shopping
    47. be honest
    48. be very rich
    49 not stress her out
    50. not look at other girls

    AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

    51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
    52.. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
    53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

    IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

    54. Never to forget:
    * birthdays
    * anniversaries
    * arrangements she makes

    HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

    1. Show up naked

    2. Bring alcohol
    Marlene, amethist, anthony and 5 others like this.
  24. popeye

    popeye New Member

    Unbelievably I fit I think 46 of those. The problem is that is not entirely true. I am speaking of course of what man want. Yes nakedness and beer work very well and will probably get you far into the relationship.

    Now I am from Wisconsin and we like our women to be able to do a few things.
    1. deer hunt
    2. change oil on a car/ change a tire
    3. watch the packer games without asking a million questions and know most of the team.
    4. be able to clean fish / butcher a deer.
    5. Be warm and fuzzy when it's cuddle time in the bedroom. (meaning fuzzy pj's) helps keep us guys warm at night.
    6. And to end this I will say almost any woman that can cook will get a man. (men run on their stomachs and penis's and they are so close together if one is happy the other is content to wait it's turn.)
  25. Marlene

    Marlene VIP Member Premium Member

    I was told the way to keep a man happy is to keep his stomach full and his balls empty. LOL
    She Cat and (deleted user) like this.

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