• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd

Status
Not open for further replies.
You ever been guilty of looking at others your own age andthinking, surely i can't look that old? Well.....you'll love this one!

My name is alice smith and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dds diploma, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago

.
Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate, after he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park high school .

'yes, yes i did. I'm a mustang! ' he gleamed with pride.

'when did you graduate?' i asked

he answered, in 1975. Why do you ask?

'you were in my class!' i exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then that ugly,

old,

bald,

wrinkled,

fat ass,

gray haired,

decrepit,

bastard asked....

'what did you teach?'
 
No probs, glad you liked it. Here are a couple more (MA only)....

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

***********************************************

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
 
A SCOTSMAN walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says... "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, Not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch,
You'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

I have nothing against the Scottish.

Jimmy
 
A New Car

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women.

They are mixing the Renault Clio and the Ford Taurus and calling it the "Clitaurus."

It comes in pink and the average male car thief won't be able to find it,

even if someone tells him where it is.

Jimmy

:wink:
 
This robust female guard at the "Women only" protected parking lot, down town, grabbed a not so robust guy trying to get his car, held him firmly and looked down into his pants sighing, OK! This time then, but don't do it again.
 
A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'

The old rancher says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field over there' as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

'Your badge! Show him your badge!'
 
Sorry Llama, but just think womens parking only. She felt sorry for him. Well thats about the SIZE of it. lmao
 
A solution to all of your drinking troubles:

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic.
 
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip

Shopping, casinos, massages, facials.

Two days before the group is to leave Mary's husband puts his foot down
And tells her she isn't going.

Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the
Bar drinking a glass of wine.

"Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into
Letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night........... Yesterday evening I was
Sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands
Over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?"

I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit.
He took my hand and lead me to our bedroom. The room was scented with
Perfume, had two dozen candles and rose petals all over............On the
Bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the
Bed, so I did. And then he said, "Now, you can do whatever you want."

So here I am.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top