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List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by anthony, May 7, 2006.

  1. Lizio

    Lizio Broken Butterfly Premium Member

  2. popeye

    popeye New Member

    My mom sent me this in an e-mail.

    ONE FAST COP.
  3. Lizio

    Lizio Broken Butterfly Premium Member

    A Cow based Economics Lesson

    SOCIALISM

    You have 2 cows.
    You give one to your neighbour.

    COMMUNISM

    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both and gives you some milk.

    FASCISM

    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both and sells you some milk.

    NAZISM

    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both and shoots you.

    BUREAUCRATISM

    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

    TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

    You have two cows.
    You sell one and buy a bull.
    Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
    You sell them and retire on the income.

    ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM You have two cows.

    You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

    The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

    The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

    You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.

    No balance sheet provided with the release.

    The public then buys your bull.


    SURREALISM

    You have two giraffes.
    The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.


    AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

    You have two cows.
    You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
    Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

    A FRENCH CORPORATION

    You have two cows.
    You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

    A JAPANESE CORPORATION

    You have two cows.
    You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
    You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.
    AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

    You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
    You decide to have lunch.

    A SWISS CORPORATION

    You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
    You charge the owners for storing them.

    A CHINESE CORPORATION

    You have two cows.
    You have 300 people milking them.
    You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
    You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

    AN INDIAN CORPORATION

    You have two cows.You worship them.

    A BRITISH CORPORATION

    You have two cows.
    Both are mad.

    AN IRAQI CORPORATION

    Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
    You tell them that you have none.
    No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
    You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

    AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

    You have two cows.
    Business seems pretty good.
    You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

    A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

    You have two cows.
    The one on the left looks very attractive
    p-no, CraftyCath, wife of and 3 others like this.
  4. Jen93

    Jen93 VIP Member

    Hilarious- and so true too!
  5. amethist

    amethist The Mystic Duck Staff Member Premium Member

  6. Nicolette

    Nicolette ♡ Princess ♡ Staff Member Premium Member

    The Bricklayer
    1998 Urban Legend

    Accident Report
    This one needs an introduction, so you won't be lost at the beginning. This man was in an accident at work, so he filled out an insurance claim. The insurance company contacted him and asked for more information. This was his response:

    "I am writing in response to your request for additional information, for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient. I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using the pulley attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools."

    "You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel."

    "Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope..."
  7. Wordgirl

    Wordgirl New Member

    What did the snail say while riding on the back or the tortoise?
    Wheeeeeee!
    AngelaMarie likes this.
  8. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

  9. cherryblossom

    cherryblossom Who's trippin' now? Staff Member Premium Member

    A senior citizen drove his brand new Jaguar convertible out of the car salesroom.

    Taking off down the motorway, He floored it to 160kmh,
    enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

    "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M1, enjoying
    pushing the pedal to the metal even more.

    Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

    "I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 180kmh, then 220 then 240kmh.

    Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too
    old for this nonsense!"

    So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for
    the police car to catch up with him.

    Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the
    driver's side of the Jag, looked at his watch and said,

    "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm
    taking off for the weekend.

    If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that
    I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

    The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied,

    "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

    "Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman
    Barberian, Jen93, CraftyCath and 6 others like this.
  10. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

    :roflmao:...Omg Nicolette. This is so worth the read. It is too funny, :roflmao:!
  11. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

    :D

    fill_the_openings_with_incompetents.

    Thinking of this applying to professional and most specifically medical jobs, not necessarily any House.
    AngelaMarie, CraftyCath and Ayesha like this.
  12. Nicolette

    Nicolette ♡ Princess ♡ Staff Member Premium Member

    Use Your Brain
    I've seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time I've seen it with numbers, F1gur471v3ly 5p34k1ng?
    Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this you have a strong mind:

    7H15 M3554G3
    53RV35 7O PR0V3
    H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N
    D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!
    1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!
    1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG
    17 WA5 H4RD BU7
    N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3
    Y0UR M1ND 1S
    R34D1NG 17
    4U70M471C4LLY
    W17H 0U7 3V3N
    7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,
    B3 PROUD! 0NLY
    C3R741N P30PL3 C4N
    R3AD 7H15.
    PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F
    U C4N R34D 7H15.
  13. Ayesha

    Ayesha Beautiful Disaster Staff Member Premium Member

    Loved that. Fun to read!
  14. angel2write

    angel2write Mad Scribbler & I.C.P. Premium Member

    One of the above reminds me of an old joke about heaven and hell I heard when I was hitch-hiking around France.

    In Heaven, the cooks are French, the police are British, the lovers are Italian, and the whole thing is run by the Germans.


    In Hell, the cooks are British, the police are French, the lovers are German, and the whole thing is run by the Italians.
    CraftyCath, reallydown and Ayesha like this.
  15. 712xx

    712xx New Member

    Even after knowing the dangers of the #13 ... such as a few examples:

    According to Smithsonian Magazine "fear of the #13 costs American a billion dollars per year in absenteeism, train and plane cancellations, and reduced commerce on the 13th of the month."

    Fear of Friday the 13th dates back to Nordic Mythology. Many of their thirteenth Gods met with violent deaths, such as Loki, the trickster.

    Ancient Romans regarded the number 13 as a symbol of death, destruction and misfortune.

    There were 13 original American colonies.

    A witches coven consists of 13 members.

    Tarot Card number 13 is the Death Card, depicting the Grim Reaper (although it is read as transition or change and not literal death).

    Hotels rarely have a room number 13. Usually it is called 12a or 14. Same with floors of buildings and the elevators without a #13 button. Highways sometimes will skip exit 13 altogether also.

    There are 13 steps leading to the gallows.

    13 knots in a hangman's noose.

    13 feet which the guillotine blade falls.

    The driver of Princess Diana hit pillar #13 at Place de l'Alma when she was killed inParis,France.

    13 people (Christ + 12 disciples), were in attendance at the last supper. This is where the Christian belief ties in, making Friday a believed unlucky day, as the crucifixtion occurred on a Friday.

    Beware naming your children with 13 letters in their name, they may be cursed for example, Jack the Ripper, Charles Manson.

    Certain ocean liners will be held in dock until after midnight to appease passenger's fears on Friday the 13th.

    British study concluded that even though there were less cars on the road on Friday the 13th (as compared with other Fridays) more accidents were reported.

    Trisadekaphobia is the technical name for fear of Friday the 13th.

    E Pluribus Unum has 13 letters.

    The US Seal has 13 stars, bars, feathers in the eagle's tail, 13 bars in one claw, 13 olive branches in the other.

    On the USA Dollar Bill, there are 13 steps on the pyramid, 13 bars on the shield, and 13 leaves on the olive branch

    A "quatrorzieme" is a professional 14th guest hired by the French who had only 13 guests in attendance for dinner, who felt that was unlucky.

    A baker's dozen consists of 13 for a reason. So the story goes a witch nearAlbany,NYdemanded 13 items every time she came in to a particular bakery, and one day the old baker could not afford her extra biscuit. She sneered some strange words at the man, and he suffered terrible luck from then on, until he brought her another 13 rolls. After that life was once again easy for the baker and word spread around town. The custom is still sometimes practiced today.

    Apollo 13, 1970, the 13th mission launched from pad #39 (13 x 3), mission was aborted, after an explosion occurred in the fuel cell of their service module. The rocket had left launching pad at 13:13 CST and the date was April 13th.

    Even after all these examples, people with ptsd, et al, shrug it off; Friday the 13th is just another unlucky day.

    u ntitled.JPG
  16. reallydown

    reallydown VIP Member

    Hehe nice...except, I'd put Italian cooks in Heaven...although...the French learned it from the Italians so...it's all good! :)
  17. Lizio

    Lizio Broken Butterfly Premium Member

  18. Lizio

    Lizio Broken Butterfly Premium Member

    Men are Like...
    1. Men are like department stores....
    their clothes should always be half off.
    2. Men are like vacations....
    they never seem to be long enough.
    3. Men are like computers...
    hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
    4. Men are like coolers...
    load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
    5. Men are like chocolate bars....
    sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
    6. Men are like coffee....
    the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
    7. Men are like horoscopes....
    they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
    8. Men are like plungers...
    they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
    9. Men are like cement....
    after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
    10. Men are like laxatives....
    they irritate the shit out of you.
    11. Men are like parking spots....
    the good ones are taken and what's left is handicapped.
    12. Men are like a snowstorm....
    you never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.

    13. Q: Why did God create man?
    A: Because vibrators don't mow lawns.
    14. Q: Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
    A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
    15. Q: Why can't men get mad cow disease?
    A: Because they're all pigs.
    16. Q: Why don't men die in their sleep?
    A: Because they can't do more than one thing at a time.....
    Whitneys story likes this.
  19. Lucycat

    Lucycat I Love Pecan Pie :) Premium Member

    Ha ha ha. Can you imagine his mother putting 'Jack the Ripper' on his birth certificate?
    reallydown and 712xx like this.
  20. 712xx

    712xx New Member

    Maybe he had a digestion issue. :p Full of hot air.
  21. KP the nut

    KP the nut Tigger is back Staff Member Premium Member

    A friend of mine, a single mother of one, was passing by her daughter’s bedroom when she saw, to her shock, the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed.

    It was addressed, “Mom.” With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:


    Dear Mom:

    It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I’ve been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it’s not only the passion Mom, I’m pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don’t worry Mom, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.
    Your daughter, Judith

    PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I’m over at the neighbor’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that’s in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
  22. Lizio

    Lizio Broken Butterfly Premium Member

    Don't Argue with Children!:

    A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

    The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

    Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

    The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

    The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

    Without missing a beat the child said, "Then you ask him".

    .................................................................

    A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

    The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

    The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

    Without looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

    .................................................................

    A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there one commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

    One little boy (the oldest of a large family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

    ................................................................

    An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother.

    "It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three other girls helped me catch him."

    ................................................................

    One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

    She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?"

    Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

    The little girl thought about this revelation for while and then said, "Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?

    .................................................................

    A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.

    "How did you know?" his mother asked.

    "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

    .................................................................
    The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or, 'that's Michael; he's a doctor'."

    A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's dead."

    ................................................................

    A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

    "Yes," the class said.

    "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

    A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."
  23. 712xx

    712xx New Member

    Other phrases for PTSD ... Post Toasted State of Disillusionment
  24. CraftyCath

    CraftyCath Flying Free Premium Member

  25. CraftyCath

    CraftyCath Flying Free Premium Member

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