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List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd

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The Bathtub Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was, which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
 
A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing shorts and Y-fronts made entirely out of cling film.
The psychiatrist says, 'Well, i can clearly see you're nuts.'
 
A woman stood looking in the mirror. She turns to her husband and says, "Honey, my butt is big, I'm wrinkly and weigh far too much, give me a compliment."
Her husband looked at her intently a moment and said to her "You have good eyes"
 
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Silent treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
 
Words

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
 
Two Psychiatrists were having lunch and one said to the other, "You know, I made the most embarassing Freudian slip yesterday."

The other replied, "Oh really! What happened?"

The first one said, "Well I was having dinner with my Mother and I meant to say, 'Would you please pass the salt?' but instead it came out as 'You ruined my life you stupid bitch!' "
 
T-shirts my daughter has:
One by one, the penguins are stealing my sanity!

I live in my own little world. But it's ok...everyone here knows me. :-)

T-shirt I want to buy:
Don't make me break out my flying monkies!!!!!

*********************************
An article from a newspaper-
A woman almost bit off her husband's willy as he cooked pancakes for tea - while she gave him oral sex.
In the heat of passion, he lost the grip on the pan and spilt boiling oil down her naked back.
She clinched her teeth on his willy and in agony he bashed her on the head with the pan.
Both only admitted how they received their injuries after 'intense questioning' by hospital docs in Carioca, Romania.
The man needed treatment to his willy while the wife had burns, two black eyes and a broken cheek bone.

LMAO...you can't make sh*t like this up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Since people, espesially stupid ones annoy the living hell out of us to a higher extreme, thought this fitting. From a "red neck" comedian, not sure if I wanted to put it in songs or here. Hope it isn't in song thread as I have not opened it! If someone did I guess pass me my sign...

Artist/Band: Engvall Bill
Lyrics for Song: Here's Your Sign (Get The Picture)
Lyrics for Album: Here's Your Sign (Get The Picture)



I just hate stupid people.
They should have to wear signs that just say I'm stupid.
That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you?
You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops,
never mind"
"I didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved from Texas to California our house
was full
of boxes and there was a u-Haul truck in our driveway.
My friend comes over and says, "Hey, You moving?"

"Nope."

"We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week. Just to see how many
boxes it takes."

"Here's your sign."

Why can't they get the picture? Why don't they understand?
We're not dealing with the planet of apes, we're talking about the
modern man.
So you people with them itsy bitsy teensie weensie tiny minds...
Here's your sign. Here's your sign.

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled
his boat
into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass this idiot on
the dock
goes, "Hey, yall catch all them fish?"

Nope.

"Talked 'em into giving up."

"Here's your sign."

I was out in the front yard with my boy the other day and he was
playing with his little friend, and he hit his friend and I went up to
him
and I said "Hey, (smacks his boy), we don't hit." He looked up at me
like, "Here's your sign, dad."

Why can't they get the picture? Why don't they understand?
We're not dealing with the planet of apes, we're talking about the
modern man.
So you people with them itsy bitsy teensie weensie tiny minds...
Here's your sign. Here's your sign.

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel, there
was a guy
inventing a shark bite suit. There's only one way to test that.
"Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want
you to jump
into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite
you."

"Well allright....hold my sign, I don't wanna loose it"

Why can't they get the picture? Why don't they understand?
We're not dealing with the planet of apes, we're talking about the
modern man.
So you people with them itsy bitsy teensie weensie tiny minds...
Here's your sign. Here's your sign.

Last time I was home I was driving around I had a flat tire, I pulled my
truck into one
of these side-of-the-road gas statioons, the attendant walks out, looks
at my truck,
looks at me, I swear to GOD he went, "Tire go flat?"

I couldn't resist.

I said "Nope".

"No I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on
me."

"Here's your sign."

Why can't they get the picture? Why don't they understand?
We're not dealing with the planet of apes, we're talking about the
modern man.
So you people with them itsy bitsy teensie weensie tiny minds...
People with them little bitty teenie weenie tiny monds...
Here's your sign.

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago, a guy come over to the
house, drove the
car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out
of the car, reaches down
and grabs the exhaust pipe, then goes, "Damn thats hot!"

See...

If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.


 
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